5 Geek Fantasies You Won't Believe You Can Buy

#2. Go to Middle-earth

The Fantasy:

Not content to be a single unbelievable fantasy setting, Middle-earth has all the variety you would expect from a fully formed magical world. It has vast plains, huge forests, craggy mountains, Hobbiton and Rivendell and a giant fire-belching volcano for the melting of finger-eating lunatics. It's a fantasy geek's dream vacation, yet there's no way it could exist anywhere on Earth outside of tons of graph paper and dice with too many sides.

Janet Galore
Such a dream can only be conjured by Mountain Dew: Code Red and whole bags of Cheetos.

The Reality:

Of course, thousands of Lord of the Rings fans who are reading this have already screamed "THAT WAS NEW ZEALAND, YOU PHILISTINES!" For some of our fans, that's literally the only reason they know about the island between Australia and the ass end of nowhere where sheep outnumber people 8 to 1. As a result, a whole cottage industry popped up out of nowhere to cater to every elf-loving fan with a substantial travel budget. Companies like this (and this) offer trips ranging anywhere from an afternoon in Hobbiton to a full 13-day tour that takes you to Gondor, Mount Doom and all the other main locations from the movies.

Joshua Eckert

Jonas Lamis
The Misty Mountains.

Emilee Rader
Sean Bean's grave (19 of 22).

These companies even have fantasy armor and weapons for guests to be photographed in. Want to take a picture in front of Bag End with Glamdring? No worries. Need a full armor set and Narsil for a photo to impress your buddies on the fencing team? They've got you covered.

They have to cut your shins out to fit the dwarf armor on. It's totally worth it.

Obviously, the scenery is missing a lot of CGI towers and continuously erupting volcanoes, but sharp-eyed fans will recognize the landscape from their favorite scenes. If nothing else, the tour guides will make goddamned sure of it.

Jessica Spengler
Here's the place where either Saruman assumed power or this guy had a picnic.

#1. Have Sex With Alien Women

The Fantasy:

As countless websites too depressing to research prove, there's no shortage of people on the Internet who experienced their sexual awakenings during Star Trek reruns and Princess Leia's bikini scenes in Return of the Jedi. As such, they can no longer achieve maximum sexual satisfaction with women who aren't doing some kind of exotic sci-fi cosplay.

Kyle Nishioka

Unfortunately, unless there's some unintentionally hilarious dating service out there that we aren't aware of, there's no way this particular part of their personalities can ever be sated in the form of actual sex. Or is there?

The Reality:

Right down the road from Area 51 is the proposed site of a sci-fi themed brothel that will let you explore extraterrestrial bathing suit zones with your beef probe. It's being set up by Dennis Hof, a man described as "the most successful brothel entrepreneur" in Nevada.

We don't know who this red, sweaty man is. He must have stumbled into the shot.

Hof explains that he envisions the establishment to be modeled after the Mos Eisley cantina in Star Wars. Guests will be able to sleep with slave girl Leia, dress up like Darth Vader and seduce a sexy Stormtrooper (because that had to have happened at least once) or just Captain Kirk the hell out of some boobacious green alien woman (Hof actually plans to include a "Kirk Room" featuring the captain's chair from the original series). And it's all completely legal (prostitution is legal in Nevada, as long as it's in controlled brothels like this).

"Why three boobs when you can have 12 boobs? Why not just a woman made of boobs?"

Hof argues that an entire generation of young men has grown up on video games and now lacks the social experience to really have sex unless they can adopt a persona and immerse themselves in a scenario that provides them with the confidence they need. This is another way of saying that preying on socially incapable sci-fi nerds, and offering them sci-fi titties, is an excellent business model. Who the hell are we to disagree?

The only difference between science fiction and pornography is a sense of shame.

You can make Joe Oliveto's geek fantasy of being a writer come true by buying his self-published post-apocalyptic story for the Kindle. Follow his blog as he continues to self-publish his work.

For more ridiculous ways to blow your money, check out The 6 Worst "Vacations" People Actually Pay For and 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick.

And stop by LinkSTORM to see which columnist has his house set up like World 1-1 of Mario.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!

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