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The thing about being super rich is that you eventually run out of things to buy. You can only live in so many houses, or drive so many cars, or pay to have so many enemies killed. Fortunately, before you ever get so desperate as to, say, give money to the poor, there is a whole industry devoted to inventing ridiculous things to waste it on. #7.
Car Wash - $11,500
So let's say your ass has grown raw from wiping it with all the extra cash you have laying around. You're desperate to get rid of some of it and have already bought all of the nice sports cars the world has to offer. What's left? Charity? Ha, no.
Luckily, Paul Dalton will relieve you of nearly $12,000 to give your grotesquely overpriced luxury car the wash it deserves. We know what you're thinking; this is some crazy guy who's priced his car washes into the stratosphere thinking if just five people fall for it, he can retire. Not so; the service is so popular among the "money to burn" crowd that he has a nine-month waiting list. Which means our Italian sports cars will remain mud covered most of the year (we like to go off-roading and play touch football in our Lamborghinis). But what does an $11,500 car wash get you? Once Paul gets his OCD hands on our vehicle, the magic begins. Paul spends three days working his 61-step process. Once he's washed the thing a few dozen times, Paul whips out the ultrasound depth gauge so he can buff out microscopic scratches only 1000th of a millimeter deep. Then Paul finally applies the wax by extensively "massaging" the car with his bare hands.
OK we get it; Paul gives your car an erotic massage with a happy ending. That's great but seeing how we could get 150 real erotic massages with real happy endings for the same money, we'll stick to taking the bus. #6.
Parking Spot - $300,000
Now that you've got your car washed and waxed with a compound made from the crushed eyeballs of white tiger cubs (not true, but that would make more sense) you might as well park that baby somewhere really nice. Like a third of a million dollars nice.
Buying and selling parking spaces apparently isn't all that uncommon in places like the Back Bay in Boston, where parking is short. Real Estate agents broker the deals just like they were selling houses, and in that area prices routinely reach six figures. But at least the undisclosed buyer of the $300,000 space (believed to be the most ever paid for a parking space, and we pray it is) probably got some pretty wicked amenities with this pricey Boston parking spot, right? Climate-controlled, purified and dehumidified air 24-hours a day? Mood lighting? A pretty woman to come around nightly and whisper erotic car-oriented poetry to your vehicle? A house for your family to live in?
Nope. For more than the price of most people's homes all they got was a rectangular chunk of concrete... outside and uncovered. For that kind of money we're thinking we'd rather pay for the Transformer conversion so at the end of a long day our car easily transforms into a briefcase or a puppy. Whatever. Or screw the car and just commute by jetpack or Pegasus.
With 300-grand, the possibilities are limitless. It's like rich people don't think sometimes, you know? #5.
Magazine for Rich Douchebags - $6,500
Nope, it's not Assholes with Money Monthly. It's called Nomenus Quarterly. What's in it? The secret to time travel? A vagina? Nope, just pictures and a shitload of pretension. Originally you could pick up an issue of Nomenus for a relatively thrifty $2,500. But, seeing the world is in a financial clusterfuck right now, editor Erik Madigan Heck cut the magazine's normal 50 copy circulation down to just 10 copies. That's the economics of rarity, but it's kind of cheating when you manufacture the rarity. For instance, here's a picture of Jesus painted by beloved 80s Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff:
Now this is the only Yakov Smirnoff Jesus painting in existence. To make sure, we burned all the other copies and for extra measure we burned Yakov Smirnoff, also. We'll start the bidding at four decapitated and diamond studded Sasquatch heads. See, it doesn't work. By the way, we just had to see the guy who has the balls to put out this magazine.
This guy? With the wrinkled Snuggie? Oh wait, we get it. He must wear a Snuggie to encompass his massive testicles. And he doesn't bother to iron it because he trying to be very nonchalant about his giant testicles. Got it. Still don't want your magazine, though. #4.
Cat Wedding - $45,000
We were about to point out that this was the world's most expensive cat wedding, but that seems pointless. Spending just 25 cents on a wedding ceremony between two cats officially makes you the scary woman whose door all the moms in the neighborhood forbid their kids to knock upon when trick r' treating.
We know how it goes; one day you're getting your cats married the next thing you know you're forcing said cats to mate with your dead husband's ashes. But we digress. Then again, 1) if you have enough money to blow tens of thousands on a cat wedding, you can afford to be batshit loony. And 2), this wedding took place in Thailand. The land of Bangkok, where the tourism department's slogan is "Whatever Happens in Bangkok... Makes Unicorns Cry." This 1986 wedding between felines Phet and Ploy took place in a Bangkok disco, cost over $16,000 for the ceremony itself, not to mention the $23,000 dowry, five hundred guests and $6,000 in wedding presents for the bride and groom. The bride arrived by Rolls-Royce; the groom by helicopter (remember these are cats). An iguana played maid of honor and a parrot filled in for the Best Man.
The clearly monogamy-loving cats were brought together by cosmetics magnate Vicharn Charas-archa due to a shared, rare glaucoma called the "Diamond Eye." In Thailand people believe the Diamond Eye to be lucky, because diseases that make cats go blind are lucky. Kind of like how feline AIDS is considered lucky here. |
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godhatesmidgets- Hell, I'd buy a house shaped like the Tardis too...but only if it's bigger on the inside. This is my new plan. Optical illusion that s**t, the Tardis is the entrance to the house and once inside you will discover stairs that lead down (or possibly into the side of a hill or somethingl) into the ACTUAL house, so it would APPEAR that it's just a police box that happens to be standing in front of a hill. I would be SUCH a rich dick if I could...not only would my doorway be a Tardis, my living room would be a hobbit hole, my den and computer would be pulled from the Enterprise (original dammit, I don't want beige carpet on everything), my bedroom would be a plush giant Elephant, my Bathroom would be Moaning Myrtles and my Kitchen would be Serenity's. Not to mention the R2D2 that serves me drinks...or the machine that goes *Ping* that I keep around just in case, and I'd have all my clocks permanently set to 11:21 because I'm f**king rich and don't have to turn up anywhere on time. If only I had a little less imagination (or lack thereof seeing as I'm designing my home based on OTHERS imaginations) and a LOT more money...did I mention the freakin' sharks with laser beams, because that's definitely happening. As well as my very own Jarvis (or HAL, Or Danger (Room), I'm not especially picky when it comes to the A.I. help)
Ah, screw that Treehouse it doesn't look the least bit Lord of the Rings... Let it be known that if you hear stories of a woman who's having her own Hobbit Hole custom built in about 10 years time, that means I got rich and I'll spend it the way I want to goddamit.
Haha let them do as they please, it's their money, it's not like they're gonna take it with them when they die.....although giving it to charity would've been better but hey it's their money.
500 guests at the cat wedding ... I assume most of them were also cats? And considering the lavish, stoic setting, they were all perfectly well-behaved? And the floral arrangements weren't devoured within 15 minutes?
To be fair, that cell phone number was bought at a charity auction. And if I had 10 million riyals lying around, it would totally be worth it, just so I could tell that Mitch Hedberg joke every time someone asked for my number. "Just press six for a while. When I answer, you will know you have pressed six enough."
I would totally pay 90K for that treehouse. If I was a rich dick.
No, you are the double tard who did not read that is spells DOUCHEY, just like it says in the parenthesis after the number. Well trolled in any case.
Am i the only tard that doesn't know/understand the significance of the number 468-2439???
QueenSativa - Maybe instead of bemoaning how terrible it is that people have more money than you, you should be glad you live in a country where it is possible to have so much money you can purchase a $400,000 dog house. Not that this isn't a terribly stupid thing to do, but you have no right to that money. It belongs to the person who earned it. THAT is what is wrong with the world and our country. Too many people think they are entitled to other people's money. You want money? Go earn it, and be glad you live in a country where you have the opportunity to do so.
Well, in the "Rich" lands of "you're a DICK", I've just found out a great product to tell you I've been reading cracked.com for "just enough to realize I've deciphered" all the codes you've been sending me to my e-mail. Do you want to "Sue" me already, or do you want to ask who is this one guy sending you all this "SPAM". Just joking, "I digg"
I just won $65,000 in the Lottery! Hmmm... I think I'll get my cats married ( do they do gay cat weddings?), get a copy of Nomenus Magazine (which I will use as bathroom reading / emergency toliet paper) and get my car washed (do you know if Paul also washes the cinderblocks, or would that be extra?)
And this is exactly what's wrong with the world. The rest of the country can't afford to pay rent AND buy groceries in the same month but it's totally a great use of money to make sure that dogs have retina scanning security systems. Yeah, and people wonder why I'm a misanthrope. Also that wumpus dude should looking into changing his/her number to 468-2439.
wow rich people seem to be real douche bags...
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