|
All right, somebody needs to explain the zombie thing. It's not just movies and video games, there is something else going on. There's a Zombie Survival Wiki and a Zombie Preparedness Initiative. Then you've got the Zombie Squad's forum on zombie biology and another one on zombie combat tactics. Here's an index of 80 threads from the "All Things Zombie" forums on various zombie survival tactics. It's gone beyond good fun. It's not just a mere obsession. These people are actually preparing for a zombie apocalypse. So why is everyone so eager for a world devoid of life, but full of the undead? We think we have an idea. #5.
Guilt Free Violence (That's Politically Correct)
It's pretty obvious why zombies appeal to the baser instincts of certain individuals. Most zombiephiles are young males and if you want young males to, say, buy a ticket to your movie, it needs to have a hero that kicks somebody in the face at some point. Then hopefully the bad guy falls out of a plate glass window, crashes into a parked taxi below, which then explodes. They like violence is what we're saying.
You don't have to rewind evolution many generations to find a time when stabbing something with a spear was all in a day's work. Today, buried in the reptilian part of the brain is that drive to survive, recalling that time when surviving often meant to kill or be killed. So, we sit in our cubicles all day and release that urge via harmless movies and video games and the sight of nameless bad guys getting mowed down. But there's a larger reason that zombies are today's most popular target for therapeutic head-splosions. The role of "bad guy" isn't so easy to fill these days. It used to be there was always some ethnic group or nationality Hollywood could populate action movies with; if you grew up in the 80s, it was the Russians (Red Dawn, etc), before that, the Nazis or Japanese, before that, the "Indians."
More recently, it's Arab terrorists. But we're running out of villians. You can't fill your video game with Chinese enemies; hell, they may need to sell copies of the game there. The video game industry has had us killing Nazis for a decade, because they couldn't think of anybody else it was politically correct to slaughter in huge numbers. And that's where zombies come in.
All that morality stuff is set aside. Killing them is OK because they're already dead. They don't even scream in pain, or show any sense of self-preservation. They seem to want to die. You get all the blood and gore and none of the complications. And maybe more important than that, they're slow. And unarmed. There's no real threat. Sure, the movies always say the zombies have taken over the world, but come on. Every single male in that audience believes that, if they were in that world, they'd survive, no problem.
It's a playground of destruction with no repercussions. A violent video game turned into real life. Lots of targets, no real danger. Hell on Earth, but somehow pure fun. #4.
Free Stuff, Without All That Damned Work
"Of course there's free stuff," some of you are saying. "Free dirt, blood, zombies and broken glass. But when society collapses, nobody is going to produce anything any more! Say goodbye to electricity, plumbing, TV, new music and 90 percent of what you currently do for fun."
This is exactly what a rational person might think. Au contraire for zombie survivalists. They figure the loss of those inconveniences will be minor in what is sure to be an action-packed world full of zombie beheadings. Besides, the basics would still be there. What zombie movie ever portrays the heroes as starving? And that gets right to the heart of it. What do you devote your waking life to right now? Curing cancer? Killing terrorists? No, odds are you're devoting all your time and energy to just paying the bills. Those Cheerios don't just appear in the cupboard, we slave away at a hated job to keep our bodies fed and the lights on for the fun parts, with no grand goal beyond that.
But when society collapses under all the zombie dead weight, it's all over. But not over like a nuclear holocaust, where all the warehouses and grocery stores lay in ruins. No, all the stuff is perfectly intact. All manner of stores and malls and mansions will be ripe for the picking. In a world where only a tiny fraction of the population remains, there'd have to be enough food and clothes in the supply chain to feed you and your friends for the rest of your zombie-killing lives. For free. Which means you don't have to spend all day grinding away in front of a keyboard just to keep food in the fridge. All that is swept aside. Killing zombies is your job now. And you won't be getting any damned memos about a dress code.
Your purpose in life is perfectly clear. It couldn't be simpler. Which brings us to the next benefit... #3.
Simplicity
We mentioned that we miss the violence of the "killing animals with rocks" stage of our evolution, but there's something else we haven't quite gotten over: Life was simpler back then. As a result, we're still really built for a routine of gathering food, protecting our huts from predators and having outdoor sex with the ladies.
There's a reason all this modern multitasking has half of us swallowing anti-depressants or washing away our pain with bottle after bottle of liquor. An apocalypse of zombie proportions would be a throwback to that simpler time... but with one important difference mentioned above: You're not in constant danger of starving. There's tons of places to barricade, lots of items for creating weapons and plenty of zombies to slaughter. And that's it; those are your tasks for the day. Get sustenance, find shelter and slaughter zombies.
No homework, no term papers, no job search, no internship, no cubicle, no bills to pay. There will no longer be mail of any sort; paper or electronic. Identity theft will only happen if you die and come back as a zombie. We think of teenagers as living and breathing texts and Facebook and Twitter, but it still buries them under the kind of rapid-fire multitasking humans just aren't built for. Even building up a bunch of shows you can't get around to watching on TiVO creates a kind of stress.
You get overwhelmed by how quickly everything stacks up. Answering 75 texts a day, responding to Facebook pokes, memorizing memes so you don't get shamefully laughed out of 4chan... all that nonsense is gone the moment the undead rise. Nobody can text with their fingers bitten off. |
5 Self-Destructive Ways People Accidentally Cured Themselves
6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen
6 Natural Disasters That Were Caused by Human Stupidity
17 More Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
Yeah, Zombies would be kickass! I already have a foolproof plan. dont worry ill have the deathdealers(were soldiers) come pick you all up and you can chill on our zombie free island, even you aussie chick.( a heroes got to rescue someone rite? now all we need is the stereotypical redneck, fatguy, asian, and a black guy. already got mexicans and indians and white people. then wed be set for action movie style killing, the fatguy dies first contrary to the belief that its the black guy- hes second. haha then the asian betrays us. hehe great times on zombie island
Human rights for zombies!
This article is exactly right. Except you did not mention the Alien films. It is more than OK to slaughter all the Aliens you want. I go to see films to be entertained. Not educated, although that can happen occasionally. And in those films that I love the best part is the scene setting part at the beginning. I love that stuff. Once the film then gets into the plot and so on I still watch but sometimes a child of three can pick out the ending. Zombie films cut right to the chase. All of the routine crap we have to do is just switched right off. No need to get a job, have a mortgage, in fact conform at all. So there you are - zombie films have that lovely scene setting all the way through and an awake, aware non-hypnotized, non-slave will just love it. I can brick up the windows and build a castle and then shoot those zombies from on high. Yes. How reasonable is that?
Secretly?! Hell I wish for it everyday! No more douche bags to deal with, just zombies....and you can kill them when they get to annoying!
Fucinginsomnia is somewhat correct-in Tasmania(like the Devil)Martin Bryant in 1996 killed 35 total strangers in 1 hour with an SKS(I have 2)and an AR-15 when his $99 Chinese Dream overheated.In USA the record is 32 dead in 5 minutes at VA tech.Almost all countries outlawed handguns.So what?in zombie/plague times,non-yankees have BETTER acess to BETTER weapons as in military-issue automatic rifles(28 Weeks Later in UK the'yd laugh at Dirty Harry's f*ggoty sixgun. also Americans have had almost no acess to explosive components since all our fed buildings got blown up by-non handgun-owning pissed off foreigners.So fu-k the NRA or Andys Gun Shop here,and get your own.
Also i live in Australia, where hardly anyone owns a gun and those huge weapons stores i assume are on every block in american cities are few and far between here. So unless we have the slow and comical shaun of the dead type zombies, bashing their brains in isnt really going to save us when dealing with a giant horde of undead. Lulz, all aussies are f**ked.
I would be preparing for a zombie apocalypse because im afraid of it, not because im eager for it. Zombie movies are f**king cool but when you've watched a lot of them you do tend to devise a plan just in case. For instance, one attribute i would totally need in a husband is the ability to protect me in the event of zombie uprising. By which i mean grab a gun and do some serious damage.
The zombie apocalypse will never reach my area. Everyone here is either a redneck or a "gangsta", which means everyone has guns and likes to use them. As for video games, I don't think they improve your accuracy with real guns, giving people false confidence in their abilities. While I am extremely deadly with my handgun, rifle, and shotgun, there are a lot of rednecks and "gangstas" here, so it might not be enough to be top dog here. If only I were in a city with people who think video game skills are carried over to real life...
Until the zombie apocalypse comes, enter the Zombie haiku contest, post your entries at http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-23718-Tulsa-Zombie-Examiner~y2009m10d1-Zombie-haiku-contest. Thanks all, cracked readers rock!
RISE Lazarus!zombies in Bible?Dawn of the Dead remake mall security guard CJ has the survivor mentality.why lately is it "cool"to be suicidal,depressed,"emo" instead of "urine/uric acid is sterile to drink and can add 2 weeks to your life if trapped in a earthquake rubble without Evian"?"Cold,emotionless psychopaths"get executed to prevent the spread of MEist ideas.Anarchism is not a goal,it is the neccesary transitional stage to a dystopia of life-instinct/eros as the only God/law. i'd eat my own entire body 1 piece a day just to survive another hour.A weak society faints and calls for more laws to imagine what such a badass would do to others to survive "by ANY means necessary"Hyaenas come to mind.OR zombies!See film Defcon-4,the perfect vision of nuclear/chemical holocaust.no "zombies"just people "reduced"to animal instincts=Surviving.no therapists to diagnose and "zombify"with sedatives those who hate and fear death above any other fate-cuz there aint no coming back!
lol secretly? it was never a secret
www.MillionaireCupid.org is a community for those seeking interracial relationships, friendships, dating and more. Join now to meet your dream date in this comfortable community of cultures and ethnicities.
Where do I sign up?
i have said it before and i will damn sure say it again, the best part of a zombie apocalypse is hot zombie sex. also i realy want to see a zombie wale so i can laugh at it.
I'll take my mindless day-job over sleeping with one eye open in a bathtub cradling an assault rifle any day. Amazing how anarchists forget about the s**tty parts
Ammo sales up from 7 billion rounds a year to 9 billion in 2009.Walmart limits sale to 1 box per customer in handgun cartridges.Yet Obama passed a law ALLOWING guns in public parks,which 8 years of Bush Monarchy failed to "permit".Something's up.Ruger Mini-14 has 100-shot Beta Drum magazines,not 5-shot.Look in any gun catalog,9x19mm pistols hold not 10-rds but 20-rds.Makes sense:Swine flu IS the apocalypse.Expendables/kids get it first so armed adults are not vulnerable.Survival means gun-users vying for dominance,children are zombie bait.Harsh attitudes save lives,Wall Street's Type A conquests of 1980s now sold in .40 S&W+P caliber Hotloads.Its beautifully simple.No "zombies" that's metaphor for the catalyst/enemy/cannon fodder.I am a "dick"now but in plague-time I'll say "drop"and watch em drop over.Amen.
@littlerudi: Fuck that. What if the zombie had AIDS? It's kind of like using the toilet at the free clinic. No amount of soap on that seat will make me feel safe that I won't wind up with crabs by using it.
$30 nike jordan prada timberland supra,lacoste,gucci shoes $25 CHANEL, GUCCI, LV, COACH, FENDI, BURBERRY, D&G, JUICY, Ed Hardy handbag $30 coogi jeans,armani,Crow Holder,D&G,Evisu jeans,Diesel,Christian Audigier,Rock,True Religion,Affliction,Ed Hardy,RMC jeans etc $35 Coogi,Crow Holder,D&G,Evisu,Bape,BBC,Diesel,Christan Audigier,Rock, True Religion, Affliction, Ed Hardy, RMC hoodies $15 Michael Jackson, Armani t-shirts,Affliction,Coogi,Ed hardy,LRG,Crown older,Evisu,G-star,Polo,Christian Audigier t-shirts Top quality! Free shipping!Free returns!No any extra cost! Please visit ----------------------------------http://www.netsowntown.com
Fantastic f**king article, best I've read in a while. Good job James Davidson.
Is it bad that my first thought was population control?
7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)
The 15 Most Shameless Fake Photos Ever Passed Off as Real
6 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 3!)
The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
Fark
