5 Fish Clearly Designed by a Madman

You know the problem with Sharktopus, the SyFy original movie about a half shark, half octopus monster? It just wasn't necessary. Nature provides enough science-fiction-level aquatic horrors all on her own.

Hell, some of these are actually less believable than the Sharktopus. Like the ...

#5. Sawfish

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if you glued a machine gun to a puppy's nose? Or a machete to a turkey? Let's just go all out and imagine adhering all of the weapons from a zombie video game to the heads of zoo animals, mix and match style. Hey, we'll put a chainsaw on a fish!

Via Animal.Discovery.com
Just shove your hand up the cloaca for a great Bruce Campbell effect.

Actually, that looks more like the offspring of the fish and chainsaw's drunken hookup.

That fish is a sawfish (duh) and its shnozzle is actually called a rostrum, and it can grow as long as 5 feet and have as many as 37 blades running up both sides. And each of those teeth can be up to 2 inches long.

Via ymtblog.org.uk
"The only thing I could find to kill it was another sawfish."

And, as if the weapon itself wasn't horrifying enough, the barbed club is also covered in motion- and electro-sensitive pores that are designed to help the monster detect the heartbeats of other fish hiding on the ocean floor.

These are all things you should remember should you ever find your nearly dead body at the bottom of the ocean. That and the fact that cyanide pills slip nicely into any wetsuit.

Via Animal.Discovery.com
Careful back there, dude. Its ass is made of grenades.

#4. Viperfish

Via iliketowastemytime.com

Much like the kids who had to sit alone in the cafeteria in junior high, the viperfish's teeth are so big they don't fit in the animal's face. They curve out and over, with the bottom fangs coming dangerously close to the fish's eyes. They'd actually be kind of pathetic if they weren't so petrifying.

Via Nicefishworld.com
At the very least, it's a good argument against sober intelligent design.

Science doesn't know too much about the viperfish, since it lives as far as 5,000 feet below the ocean's surface. What we do know is that it's relatively small, usually only growing up to about a foot long. So it's far away from the surface and kind of little, at least compared to a few other fish. Don't get too cozy, though, captain. The viperfish has got a few tricks to make up for its small size and misshapen underbite.

For one thing, those fangs are clear, so none of its prey can see them coming. And for another, this sneakster lures smaller fish with a fake light:

Via Bellsouthpwp.net
"Don't mind me. I am just some light, and light cannot eat you."

In the blackness of the deep ocean, little guys see the glowing floaters, think they're dinner, then BAM! FANG IMPALEMENT! The fangs don't even act as teeth -- they're spears. And this guy is fast about it, too, so fast that the first vertebra of its spine is specially designed to act at a shock absorber. It collides with so much force that evolution had to come up with a uniquely padded backbone to keep them from hurting themselves. That's how hard it stabs other fish. If you can imagine a serial killer who is so violent that his stabbing arm had to mutate a special protective cushion, he still won't be as frightening as the viperfish.

Via Roadlesstravelled.com
We're pretty sure that viperfish are the reason we developed legs and got the hell out of the ocean.

#3. Tigerfish

Via Thefeaturedcreature.com

Picture an animal that is nothing but teeth, jaws and hunger pangs. And then, in the last few hundred thousand years of its evolutionary path, it said "Whatever" and decided to grow a body. Just as an afterthought. That's pretty much what you get when you look at the goliath tigerfish, the horror movie mouth that evolved a body ... a body that is 100 percent inconsequential because LOOK AT THAT MOUTH.

Via Sportressofblogitude.com
"I feed entirely on the ankles of swimmers."

It's a whole mouth made of Crocodile Dundee's shark necklace, but if the necklace had a cloning machine and a Dahmer-like temperament. You might even say it's a shark's mouth -- except it's not. Because sharks are slick and lean. They may be deadly, but at least you know where you stand with a shark.

The goliath tigerfish of Africa, on the other hand, is practically sporting googly eyes and a cocked mesh trucker hat. Look at it -- it's like Lennie Small but with a mouth full of daggers.


It's the only fish that hunts accompanied by banjo music.

Those interlocking fangs work like scissors to rip out chunks of flesh, and the fish themselves can grow up to 150 pounds. And have been known to attack crocodiles.

Let's give that image a minute to sink in -- this is a fish that can attack crocodiles. Honestly, after watching the video linked below, we're not so sure the whole thing isn't just a puppet from Jim Henson's Fraggle Rock days. Look at it pulse its mouth open and shut like Fozzie Bear telling a joke in slow motion.

Via Pinoytutorial.com
"Wocka wocka wocka!"

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