CRACKED ROUND-UP: Not-Quite-Christmas Edition

We've reached a magical point in the holiday season. The big day isn't quite here yet, but we've all had about enough Christmas music to drive us into a candy-cane murder-frenzy. Only eggnog and bourbon can dull the pain.


You can say a lot of terrible things about Soren, and we often do, but the man is not afraid to dig deep into the Internet's seedy guts. Brockway followed up with the straight scoop on why the Tin Tin movie keeps being delayed. We'll give you a hint: it's the same reason no one visits rural Arkansas. Seanbaby reviewed four sex advice books that might actually cause you to regain your virginity, while Dan O'Brien closed us off with a heartwarming Christmas special.



SECRET MESSAGES
10 Mind-Blowing Easter Eggs Hidden In Famous Albums
If you needed more proof that Thom Yorke likes to freebase pure straight crazy.


Notable Comment: "I don't know if anyone's pointed this out yet, but that band photo in #1 isn't of Information Society. That's Spandau Ballet. I'm a tiny bit embarrassed that I know this."

And we're more than a tiny bit embarassed to know you, mw66.



BAD PLANS
5 Horrible Life Lessons Learned From Teen Movies
This would be a list of 50 if we included extreme sports movies.


Notable Comment:"Hey, some hobos are kind of sexy and well hung. Some others are only good for making stew."

What do you mean to imply by "only", YoungBrave?



GOD'S PIMP HAND
6 Real Historic Battles Decided By Divine Intervention
If anything, this article is proof that our founding fathers owned some sort of weather machine.


Notable Comment:"So... was Joan of Arc hot or not?"

Be honest, Binak_Algo, the answer to this question doesn't really matter. You'd still hit it.



PRESIDENT / HERO
5 Insane Barack Obama Comic Books You Won't Believe Are Real
We're not going to make any value judgements here, but you sure as hell don't see George W. Bush palling around with Spiderman.


Notable Comment: "Because God's had enough of our sinful ways and He's punishing us."

That's as good a justification for Japan as we've ever heard, 2wingo.



LOST AWESOME
7 Insanely Advanced Weapons History Somehow Forgot About
Maybe our ancestors sat back at some point and said, "You know what? We've got enough ways to kill people without adding liquid fucking fire to the mix."


Notable Comment: "The Hawaiians had a variant on the Aztec style sword that used sharks teeth instead of obsidian. That's way more badass than a sword made of glass(even if that glass was formed by a volcano), but then I guess not many doctors use shark teeth scalpels nowadays."

Actually, KingTyris our office nurse uses a scalpel made of shark's teeth, but she's pretty much entirely blind. Things are probably safer this way.



Sketch Contest
Ballsiest Time Machine Ever
The winner of the Cracked.com sketch contest proves you only need balls and a PowerPoint to travel through time..


YOU YOU YOU!
If Every Movie Got A Straight To DVD Sequel
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Holidays As Celebrated 500 Years From Now


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

12.16.10:

"This better taste good - I ordered it nine months ago!!"
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Before she went to bed, Cindy made sure to leave a snack for Satan Claus.
by ChaseMitchell

12.15.10:

I'll admit it China. Your checkers confuse me, but your chess pieces are downright badass.
by Abaddonalpha

Editor's pick:

Bruce Lee's mueseum of "Famous things I have enjoyed kicking".
by Maslow

12.14.10:

Your move, Christianity.
by CerealMUNCHIES

Editor's pick:

Yes, they're all neutered, and we're even thinking about getting the cats fixed too.
by williwan

12.13.10:

NEVER flush the toilet when the boat is right on the equator. NEVER!!!
by Kamikaze Phoenix

Editor's pick:

Life aboard the USS Pop Rocks was unpredictable, to say the least.
by Mothra24

12.12.10:

"We're here to adopt."
by CzechpointChrly

Editor's pick:

I think the new neighbors are from Europe.
by williwan

12.11.10:

"I still maintain that sniffing 9 out of the 10 bombs is hitting way above average"
by iantendo

Editor's pick:

"...Mrs. Kowalski, 86, lived alone with her 53 cats. The Poliisi have no suspects."
by savinator

12.10.10:

Steve shut the lid, wrote "Kitchen" on top of the box and told the movers he was finished packing.
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Some people just adamantly refuse to think outside the box.
by HMS_Ford

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