#2. Drafted: Obama and the Alien Resistance
Sometimes it makes sense to include the president in stories about alien invasions. Like, if they're blasting a laser through the White House, that warrants at least a reaction shot. But there are other times you really gotta work to put him in there. Like when the story is set in a world where he isn't even president, just some random guy from Chicago.
Drafted is a sci-fi comic series about some aliens who come to forcibly "draft" the entire human race into their intergalactic war. It usually centers on Gabriel, the leader of the human forces, but in 2009 they put out a graphic novel that, bizarrely, starred a completely different character:
This is like randomly making Jimmy Carter the main character in The Empire Strikes Back.
Senator Barack Obama, a silent badass (he's mostly mute after a battle injury) who leads and inspires a group of human survivors. He appears as a senator because the series started when Bush was still president, and they made him a mute because ... actually, we have no idea.
"OK, Obama's speeches are always really impressive and inspiring, but I'm a terrible writer. How do I reconcile these two things?"
After Earth is viciously attacked by the aliens' enemies, Obama and others are tasked with rebuilding what's left of Chicago. But the group soon loses contact with their superiors because of bad weather conditions, and they're left stranded in a shelter for 100 days. On top of that, they have to fight off the armed scavengers who try to steal what's left of their food. Why isn't everyone in the group dead within two weeks? Basically, because that mysterious, almost magical Obama guy inspires everyone to stay alive.
But as time passes, Obama's followers start losing faith in him, and a lot of them even defect from the group to join the scavengers. After even Obama's sidekick betrays him, he wanders alone into the city, climbs the tallest building still standing and carves a locator chip out of his wrist to send a distress signal to the aliens. Because he's that awesome.
Ask yourself: Would Richard Nixon have done that?
Obama collapses because of the cold, not caring whether he dies as long as his friends are saved. Then he's rescued by the usual protagonist of the story, making a cameo in his own comic. But the most puzzling part by far is the flashback scene that shows Obama's family being literally disintegrated during the initial alien attack:
This has taken a turn.
It's one thing to show the character's motivation and another to depict the gruesome deaths of two little girls who really exist. If Obama ever reads the comic (perhaps under the impression that Spider-Man might show up), we can't imagine he'd be too happy about that part (in fact, we're positive he wouldn't be).
By the way, Drafted is published by the same company that came up with Barack the Barbarian. In an interview with the Chicago Tribune, the guy who runs the company stated that his motivation for making these comics is: "I want people to look at this and say 'What the hell is this?'"
#1. Oh-Bomb-Ah!: Obama's Superpowered Baby Mama
Superhero comics aren't immune to Obamania: For a while there, he appeared in almost as many titles as Wolverine. Like that Spider-Man comic that came out the week before the inauguration, where Spidey's shape-shifting enemy The Chameleon tries to impersonate Obama and get sworn in as president. Fortunately, Spider-Man stopped the impostor in time (... OR DID HE?!).
Isn't Obama left-handed? Also, Spider-Man looks like Red Skull.
DC couldn't be left be behind, so a few weeks later it included a scene in Final Crisis #7 implying that Obama is an alternate-reality version of Superman. It was a last-minute addition, but the writer says he "hopes to do more things with the Obama character." Also, he said Beyonce is Wonder Woman.
"... as a male stripper."
And then there's Youngblood #9 by Rob Liefeld, in which the White House is invaded by time-traveling superterrorists and Obama demonstrates he wouldn't make a very effective action hero.
"No one will think much of a big clock moving across the hallway."
But as ridiculous as those stories are, none of them compares to Obama's role in a comic called BombQueen, which is about a voluptuous supervillainess who, from what we read, appears to be under legal obligation to remove her shirt at least twice per issue.
Is she ... giving birth to him?
In a miniseries called Oh-Bomb-Ah!, the president announces that he'll be shutting down Bomb Queen's city of crime, which she doesn't take very well. Bomb Queen immediately starts thinking of ways to discredit Obama.
Searching for dirt on the prez, Bomb Queen finds a tape that shows a young Obama walking into the "Chicago University of Embryology" ...
Why would they need a whole university for that?
... and decides to steal his sperm and impregnate herself with it.
Smoking and drinking while pregnant? If you're not careful, that baby will be born a retarded plot point in a shitty comic.
Does she really give birth to Obama's kid? Will she ever be able to get her fantastic figure back? We'll never know, because only one issue of the four announced came out. The same thing happened to the Youngblood comic featuring Obama, and the president hasn't shown up in Spider-Man or Superman comics again. Rather than feeling relieved that this particular fad has finally fizzled out, we should be worried about what the comics industry's next obsession will be.
For more bizarre comic book crossovers, check out The 5 Most Insane Celebrity Comic Book Cameos. Or discover why Batman is more terrifying than we first thought, in The 20 Most Ridiculous Batman Comics Ever Released.
And stop by Linkstorm to Obama rick-rolling Biden.
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