9 Beloved Characters Made Horrifying by Japan
#4.
The Incredible Hulk (Hulk: The Manga)
A story about a big green killing machine born from an atomic blast? That's so Japanese; it's basically Godzilla with a hairpiece. So, Japan, what's YOUR comic book take on The Hulk?
Apparently in Japan, The Hulk's power doesn't arise from rage, but uncontrollably sobbing?
Every time he goes heroing, he must have his girlfriend break up with him. Watch out evil doers, when The Hulk updates his Facebook status to "single" you best lay low.
Hear that sound? That sound of Coldplay? It spells your doom.
#3.
The Count of Monte Cristo (Gankutsuo
As anyone who didn't waste their high school years having sex or making friends can tell you, the original Count of Monte Cristo is a heart wrenching story of betrayal, revenge and redemption set in 19th century Europe. The Japanese version, on the other hand, is about a blue elf from the year 5053 who might possibly be a child molester.
OK, more than "possibly."
Because the anime is a sci-fi re-imagining of the Alexandre Dumas novel, it updates a lot of its elements like replacing horses with cars, scenes taking place on different planets and naturally the characters gentlemanly duel out their differences in huge-ass battle mechs.
Seriously, can the Japanese even so much as head to the 7-Eleven for a pack of smokes without transforming into a giant robot?
Also, because the anime is anime, the main character of Edmond Dantes is portrayed less as a broken man obsessed with revenge and more as a broken man possessed by an ancient cave demon. Apparently the concept of revenge doesn't exist in Japan, but ancient cave demons are plentiful.
Oh, and the demon might also possibly be a child molester.
#2.
World Nations (Hetalia)
Kids today know so little about history that they probably couldn't even tell you what year Abraham Lincoln defeated Napoleon during the Battle of World War I. The anime series Hetalia aims at fixing all that by presenting anthropomorphic versions of the world's countries interacting with each other in a manner meant to simulate their relationships through history. It's educational! Also, check out Poland feeling up Lithuania up there.
The problem is... we don't think the people behind Hetalia actually know anything about history. Or human decency for that matter, as evidenced by these scenes which depict the horrors of WWII like a nutty summer camp. Here's the Normandy Landing (243,000 dead):
The Soviet occupation of Latvia (290,000 dead):
The Italian Campaign (651,000 dead):
Here's the three bestest friends, Germany, Japan and Italy during WWII just clowning around (the Axis Powers were responsible for 61,000,000 deaths):
Hey, the Axis powers should totally form a boy band. Italy could be the tough one, Japan could be the one with a secret and Germany could be the funny one harboring genocidal rage.
#1.
Jesus (Manga Bible)
So... Manga Jesus? Yes, Manga Jesus! Japan is going to hell anyway for all the tentacle/Lolita porn so turning the Christian savior into a big-eyed, spiky-haired prepubescent boy probably doesn't matter at this point. Then again, it's not like the West's image of Jesus makes sense, either.
Still. Look at the beard.
Oh man, we refuse to believe that he didn't give himself that thing with a Sharpie pen. We also think it's perfectly acceptable to assume that this comic's battle between Satan and Jesus in the desert lasted for 100 issues, 70 of which they spent just looking at each other, screaming and preparing their plasma balls.
Later, he achieved Super Jesus level and presumably flew off to fight Super Hitler.
Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a freelance online journalist and Japanese-English-Polish translator. Contact him via c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com
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For more reasons to steer clear of Japan and its exports, check out 6 Japanese Subcultures That Are Insane (Even for Japan) and 20 Japanese Robots Probably Intent on Murdering You.
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The title seems to be a bit inaccurate. Since when does Hitler count as a "beloved" character (aside form certain... subcultures)?
ReplyThis is probably the hundreth comment but whateve's most of the Hetalia stuff is wrong. The pic that claimed was the normandy landing was taking place in the island of Seychelles, the pic with Russia, Belarus, and Latvia was taking place in the year 2009 and Russia was saing he wants Lithuania to get in big trouble and come crawling back for help, then Latvia will crawrl too.
Replythe jesus comic is completely accurate... all of that is in the bible.
ReplyI am wearing a blue shirt today.
I love Hellsing, that was the first badass anime I ever watched.
ReplyOh s**t, Cracked. You just pissed off the Hetalia fangirls. Be prepared for the entire population of deviantArt to f**k your s**t up.
ReplyHeh. Axis Powers forming a boy band. I can see that. *sparkly eyes*
ReplyHey! Hellsing is more badass than the original Dracula! I know, I've read it.
Well, I am a HUGE Hetalia fan, and I have to say, that the creator, Hidekazu Himaruya, did know things about History. He was just parodying History. Making it funny. Making it interesting. Just imagine what would happen if he did make the anime EXACTLY like History, do you think anyone would watch it? Do you think that anyone would read the manga? I don't think so. Which leaves the option to make it all silly and make the characters like all the most common stereotypes that are around. It's not trying to make fun of History. Hetalia is trying to parody it. Nothing more. Nothing less.
ReplySuper Aryan Hitler is going power level 5000 and you can't fucking stop him!
Reply
ReplyOkay. So I'm a fan of Hetalia. It's meant to be a /parody/. Nothing serious, or educational.
The main picture that Cracked have used to show the characters is a FANART. It's not drawn by Hidekaz Himaruya.
That's not the Normandy landing. That is the Axis trio being attacked by the Allied Forces on Seychelles.
That's not the Soviet occupation of Latvia. That's Russia terrifying Latvia in a World Meeting, whilst Belarus holds a knife to Latvia's back. (Belarus being Russia's crazy incestuous sister who wants to marry him.)
And I've not really heard of the Italian Campaign, but that scene there is Germany invading Italy's country and finding North Italy himself. It's used to start off the series, showing the contrast between North Italy and his grandfather, the Roman empire.
Er, the axis aren't just clowning around there. They've been stuck on a deserted island. Italy, as the series name suggests, is being stupid. 'Hetalia' = Hetare Itaria = Useless/Stupid Italy.
'We don't think the people behind Hetalia actually know anything about history.'
Hidekaz Himaruya, the writer, is writing a parody here. He does include plenty of facts, but the series is NOT supposed to be educational.
Bishie Hitler is disturbing o_0. Also Alucard is awesome.
ReplySuper Aryan? "What sort of nonsense is that" indeed! XD How much do you wanna bet that his ultimate move is the KamehameHEIL! XD
ReplyThey better make the Hentailia version of Hetalia.
ReplyRight now.
hellsing is awsome but the kkk as you called them are acctually with the vatican but you got the vampire nazis right. still awsome articall super aryan hitler away.
ReplyWell, yeah. Though the uniform they're wearing is actually what a good few sects of European monks wear...and they were doing it before the KKK anyway.
probably because the KKK consider themselves to be a religious organisation.
Hey, don't dis "Hellsing!" It's actually a pretty good anime show. And the Abridged version by Takahata101 on Youtube is f*****g hilarious!
Reply"But to be fair, in Japan, Lesbians are magical creatures, like leprechauns."
ReplyAs a redheaded Asian lesbian (I'm not even joking), this made me laugh until I cried.
Someone should bottle this girl. I think she's the only of her kind
I actually learnt a lot of geography from Hetalia (I was absolutely hopeless before) but I watch it for the lulz. Hetalia isn't meant to be taken seriously.... kind of the reason why I like it :)
ReplyEither that or it's the fact that I'm a teenage girl...
So...uh, how many ppl watches(ed) Hetalia?
ReplyWhy is it that every time I run across mention of Hetalia (which I have watched) I just feel ashamed (so very ashamed)?
ReplyI lost it at Super Aryan Hitler. I fell off my chair.
Replyhitler made an ocean out of JEWISH BLOOD yet they made him look like he's posing for a cover in a gay version of PlayBoy!!?shit!
Reply