Cracked Columnists

20 Japanese Robots Probably Intent on Murdering You

The CB2 was back in the news this week, a year or so after he first made headlines for looking like an infant crossed with a colostomy bag. Clicking through the news, I was glad to see that he hadnt made any further progress in not looking terrifying, and none of the scientists working on him appeared to have any skin missing. Everything must be completely safe, right?

Not necessarily, I replied to my own rhetorical question. Even though hack comedy writers have obsessed over Japanese nuttiness for years, one thing that doesnt get a lot of attention is their fascination with robots. Unlike western audiences, who have learned to fear robots thanks to fictional works like The Terminator and Blade Runner, the Japanese have Astro Boy and their own tormented dreams to thank for a mental image of robots that looks like helpful fleshy teddy bears. Consequently, while the rest of the world was meeting girls and experimenting with drugs, Japan has spent the past 30 years working to bring robots into the world, as if the whole nation was some sort of hideous metal vagina.

And on that note, lets get to the comedy! Here's 20 Japanese Robots (plus some accessories) that, for various reasons, I suspect to be intent on murdering you and everything you hold dear.

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dhrc_p1500613

Sure its only six inches tall right now, and leashed to a computer, but can you honestly tell me, with fists shaped like that, that this thing is meant for anything other than being sent into the past to kill me for trying to warn the world about it?

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airhopper

This is a special type of robot that can skitter about like an insect and terrify cats. Oh, it can jump too.

image

Thats right, Japan has made a fucking robot head-crab.

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auto_main

This industrial robot is capable of determining if an object placed upon its sensor is a wheel. Beep, it says cheerfully during the demonstration. The audience applauds. "I've got them right where I want them," it thinks to itself.

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ff_7

Japans got lots of robot competitions. Remember those robot wars shows that were really popular with guys like you a few years back? Well in Japan they've got the same thing, except without any stupid wedge cars, and the robots are bipedal and playing more complicated sports like soccer or competitive diving. Heres the winner of one of these competitions, with his winning robot slung over one shoulder, and his prize, which appears to be a bag of fertilizer. What use could fertilizer be for a robot? Oh, that's right, terror.

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fig1

According to the press release accompanying this photo, this fully articulated snake-bot is notable for the fact that it can move both on land and in water and wants desperately to understand the human concept of hugs.

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slimslime

Heres a different version of the snake-bot, beside what is presumably its primary fuel source.

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crawler-robot

Assuming this man is riding in this robot, and not being consumed by it, which is admittedly wishful thinking on my part, this appears to be some sort of commuting device/mobilized robotic armor. Not quite Macross, but I guess were getting there.

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hrp4_p1510755

Heres the supermodel robot that made the news recently. It's not very attractive, so I'm guessing the big appeal is it can do cocaine a lot faster than regular models?

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hrp4_p1510736

And heres the ass shot, for the 10 percent of you interested in that sort of thing, but wont cop to it. And also for the three percent of you who would fill the comments section with ass pix plz thnx comments.

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kobe_p1440362

Another humanoid robot, not nearly as advanced as model-bot, but eight times as terrifying. Perhaps worried that their creation was an affront to everything their God created, the makers decided to put a wig on it to disguise it as Bon Jovi.

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kobe_p1440548

Heres BonJovibot again, as two technicians discuss their options for getting upskirt shots of it.

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rosie

Finally a robot with some classic 50s lines. This looks like it was made by General Electric, and can assist with household chores and dispensing Valium.

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paro_p1490200

This shot demonstrates that robots can be disguised as anything. These seals? Robots. The guy? Probably not a robot. But until I see him bleed human blood, hes not getting into my home.

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photo2

A wall climbing robot, proving in the future we wont be safe on the ceiling either. Also of note, Japans version of Vanna White, whom Im guessing let the robot pick out an outfit for her.

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photo3

This thing could teabag a car. Thats actually pretty awesome.

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plat_p1480589

Two robots in this one (can you spot both? Look carefully!)

The wheelchair bot is actually pretty cool. Itd give wheelchair bound individuals a lot more personal freedom, and the ability to punch through walls or crush the larynxes of people who had wronged them in some way. Like robots, Im imagining wheelchair-bound people to hold a lot of deep-seated resentment to the world, so I can see how theyd get along well.

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robopro_img_0047

Look at that robot on the right. It looks like its being punished. Holy crap, have you ever seen a robot look so sullen before? Imagine an angst filled teenager with the physical strength of a garbage truck. Now imagine it not caving-in a daycare to get attention. I sure cant.

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room_p1420897

Despite the fact that I (A) consider myself pretty smart and (B) have been reading Japanese web sites all afternoon, I surprisingly still cant read Japanese. So I have no idea what this sign says. But if this is anything other than a robot designed for practicing French kissing, I dont want anyone to correct me.

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room_p1420916

Oh shit! Its right behind you!

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science_006

I guess this is how Japanese children are taught about sex now?

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softgripper_photo3

This is a picture of a robotic manipulator, grasping a child around the waist. The child is either indicating something hes just done in his pants, or how many more birthdays hed like to live to see.

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temsuk_003

This is Temsuk, the first robot capable of criticizing what's on TV.

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temsuk_004

Temsuk again, being given an honorary doctorate from a mid-range university.

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temsuk_008

More ceremony. The guy on the right is just furious for some reason. Its like he just lost a big promotion to Temsuk.

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tora_p1520504

Oh, holy balls. Has Japan made a two story robot in the shape of a titanium baby? The best available evidence (this picture) says that yes they have.

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aw_g_tora_torayan

The horrifying abomination runs on the power of childrens' dolls. Is it too great a leap of the imagination to suggest it will soon run on babies? When consulted, my imagination stated flatly, No.

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aw_g_tora_fire

Holy fuck.

If youre looking for a reasonable explanation, or at least solace, you wont find it on the creators website, where it explains:

This GIANT TORATAN doll is the ultimate child's weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children

Because if theres anything I can imagine thats more murderous and hate-filled than robots, its children.

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And that's that. I invite everyone to share their strategies for surviving the upcoming recession/baby-robot holocaust in the comments section. Any submissions that impress me enough will get an invite to come hang out in my robot shelter and eat cases of fruit rolls-ups with me when The Day Comes.

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