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20 Japanese Robots Probably Intent on Murdering You

The CB2 was back in the news this week, a year or so after he first made headlines for looking like an infant crossed with a colostomy bag. Clicking through the news, I was glad to see that he hadn’t made any further progress in not looking terrifying, and none of the scientists working on him appeared to have any skin missing. Everything must be completely safe, right?

“Not necessarily,” I replied to my own rhetorical question. Even though hack comedy writers have obsessed over Japanese nuttiness for years, one thing that doesn’t get a lot of attention is their fascination with robots. Unlike western audiences, who have learned to fear robots thanks to fictional works like The Terminator and Blade Runner, the Japanese have Astro Boy and their own tormented dreams to thank for a mental image of robots that looks like helpful fleshy teddy bears. Consequently, while the rest of the world was meeting girls and experimenting with drugs, Japan has spent the past 30 years working to bring robots into the world, as if the whole nation was some sort of hideous metal vagina.

And on that note, let’s get to the comedy! Here’s 20 Japanese Robots (plus some accessories) that, for various reasons, I suspect to be intent on murdering you and everything you hold dear.
__

dhrc_p1500613

Sure it’s only six inches tall right now, and leashed to a computer, but can you honestly tell me, with fists shaped like that, that this thing is meant for anything other than being sent into the past to kill me for trying to warn the world about it?
__

airhopper

This is a special type of robot that can skitter about like an insect and terrify cats. Oh, it can jump too.

image

That’s right, Japan has made a fucking robot head-crab.
__

auto_main

This industrial robot is capable of determining if an object placed upon its sensor is a wheel. “Beep,” it says cheerfully during the demonstration. The audience applauds. “I’ve got them right where I want them,” it thinks to itself.
__

ff_7

Japan’s got lots of robot competitions. Remember those robot wars shows that were really popular with guys like you a few years back? Well in Japan they’ve got the same thing, except without any stupid wedge cars, and the robots are bipedal and playing more complicated sports like soccer or competitive diving. Here’s the winner of one of these competitions, with his winning robot slung over one shoulder, and his prize, which appears to be a bag of fertilizer. What use could fertilizer be for a robot? Oh, that’s right, terror.
__

fig1

According to the press release accompanying this photo, this fully articulated snake-bot is notable for the fact that it can move both on land and in water and wants desperately to understand the human concept of “hugs.”
__

slimslime

Here’s a different version of the snake-bot, beside what is presumably its primary fuel source.
__

crawler-robot

Assuming this man is riding in this robot, and not being consumed by it, which is admittedly wishful thinking on my part, this appears to be some sort of commuting device/mobilized robotic armor. Not quite Macross, but I guess we’re getting there.
__

hrp4_p1510755

Here’s the “supermodel” robot that made the news recently. It’s not very attractive, so I’m guessing the big appeal is it can do cocaine a lot faster than regular models?
__

hrp4_p1510736

And here’s the ass shot, for the 10 percent of you interested in that sort of thing, but won’t cop to it. And also for the three percent of you who would fill the comments section with “ass pix plz thnx” comments.
__

kobe_p1440362

Another humanoid robot, not nearly as advanced as model-bot, but eight times as terrifying. Perhaps worried that their creation was an affront to everything their God created, the makers decided to put a wig on it to disguise it as Bon Jovi.
__

kobe_p1440548

Here’s BonJovibot again, as two technicians discuss their options for getting upskirt shots of it.
__

rosie

Finally a robot with some classic 50s lines. This looks like it was made by General Electric, and can assist with household chores and dispensing Valium.
__

paro_p1490200

This shot demonstrates that robots can be disguised as anything. These seals? Robots. The guy? Probably not a robot. But until I see him bleed human blood, he’s not getting into my home.
__

photo2

A wall climbing robot, proving in the future we won’t be safe on the ceiling either. Also of note, Japan’s version of Vanna White, whom I’m guessing let the robot pick out an outfit for her.
__

photo3

This thing could teabag a car. That’s actually pretty awesome.
__

plat_p1480589

Two robots in this one (can you spot both? Look carefully!)

The wheelchair bot is actually pretty cool. It’d give wheelchair bound individuals a lot more personal freedom, and the ability to punch through walls or crush the larynxes of people who had wronged them in some way. Like robots, I’m imagining wheelchair-bound people to hold a lot of deep-seated resentment to the world, so I can see how they’d get along well.
__

robopro_img_0047

Look at that robot on the right. It looks like it’s being punished. Holy crap, have you ever seen a robot look so sullen before? Imagine an angst filled teenager with the physical strength of a garbage truck. Now imagine it not caving-in a daycare to get attention. I sure can’t.
__

room_p1420897

Despite the fact that I (A) consider myself pretty smart and (B) have been reading Japanese web sites all afternoon, I surprisingly still can’t read Japanese. So I have no idea what this sign says. But if this is anything other than a robot designed for practicing French kissing, I don’t want anyone to correct me.
__

room_p1420916

Oh shit! It’s right behind you!
__

science_006

I guess this is how Japanese children are taught about sex now?
__

softgripper_photo3

This is a picture of a robotic manipulator, grasping a child around the waist. The child is either indicating something he’s just done in his pants, or how many more birthdays he’d like to live to see.
__

temsuk_003

This is Temsuk, the first robot capable of criticizing what’s on TV.
__

temsuk_004

Temsuk again, being given an honorary doctorate from a mid-range university.
__

temsuk_008

More ceremony. The guy on the right is just furious for some reason. It’s like he just lost a big promotion to Temsuk.
__

tora_p1520504

Oh, holy balls. Has Japan made a two story robot in the shape of a titanium baby? The best available evidence (this picture) says that yes they have.
__

aw_g_tora_torayan

The horrifying abomination runs on the power of childrens’ dolls. Is it too great a leap of the imagination to suggest it will soon run on babies? When consulted, my imagination stated flatly, “No.”
__

aw_g_tora_fire

Holy fuck.

If you’re looking for a reasonable explanation, or at least solace, you won’t find it on the creator’s website, where it explains:

This GIANT TORATAN doll is the ultimate child’s weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children

Because if there’s anything I can imagine that’s more murderous and hate-filled than robots, it’s children.
__

And that’s that. I invite everyone to share their strategies for surviving the upcoming recession/baby-robot holocaust in the comments section. Any submissions that impress me enough will get an invite to come hang out in my robot shelter and eat cases of fruit rolls-ups with me when The Day Comes.

__

Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Japan, Robots. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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238 Responses to “20 Japanese Robots Probably Intent on Murdering You”

  1. AbscondingCascade Says:

    so the prototype for the hydobots from terminator salvation exist … okay things we need for the coming apocalypse:- we need EMP based weapons, computer viruses designed to destroy the programs they use to move, at least one secret base with an EMP Generator and escape tunnels, faraday cage containment rooms so we can go over their progrmaing while ensuring they don’t wirelessly hack into are base computers or call for reinforcements, Machine guns/Automatic shotguns/high caliber pistols in case they have EMP shielding, a group of sexually deprived 18 year old teenagers(50% have to be female) so that we don’t go exintict, an army, a complete copy of the repository of all human knowledge(A.K.Athe Internet) before its enivitble A.I. corruption, AA guns to take out any UVA’s which will join the enemy, heavy artilery to take out the enivitable giant robots, an uploadable copy of the new microsoft office to confuse the enemy, some people who are destined to earn darwin awards so that when the enivitable suicide missions (which make the causalties percentage from the X-com games look resonable) occur we can stomack them easier, dogs to determin if its human or a machine, cats so we don’t all go insane from being around so many dogs, more Ammo than was fired in world war one and two, a stockpile of good films with an anti-robot theme mixed in to keep us sane and to ensure that pepole remember the damn things are murderous pschopaths, good history teachers so that if we need to send someone back in time so that they blend in, canned food and farming techniques. Have I forgotten anything … I can’t think of anything else so lets get cracking(sorry) and prepare for the robot war.

  2. MajorWulff Says:

    I think the one bot that you can’t figure out is called a Beetbot… but then again, maybe it’s just the magazine on the side that says Beetbot

  3. Bubbelz Says:

    FUCKIN A-BOMBS. u c what bombing does? it makes phyco killer robot babies. FUCK we shouldnt have let japan watch Childs Play

  4. Turophiliac Says:

    Only things to do:
    1) rail guns
    2) sink Japan into the sea
    3)Craploads of C4 and cruise missles

  5. Lauren Says:

    I must be some kind of masochist, because I continue to read Chris Bucholz’s articles at work.

    I end up trying to stifle hysterical laughter while reading the article, and even more innappropriate laughter while walking through the office having flashbacks.

    I’ve never been good about learning lessons.

  6. Duffini Says:

    Asta la vista meat bags

  7. bent Says:

    Load the bazookas! Prep the lasers! Build the barricades! Where’s that artillery I ordered!? We don’t have much time! Make sure that gatling gun has armor-piercing rounds! Get these civies outa here! Board up the windows! Ready those RPG nests! Do we have any tanks?!
    oh no…
    THE ROBOTS ARE COMING! THE ROBOTS ARE COMING!

  8. In The Future, There Will Be Robots! « pitch and pay Says:

    [...] (because we’ll surely have time travel by the time that happens, right? We won’t have murderous robots anytime soon, right? [...]

  9. Colin Moore Says:

    The list needs modified ever since Japan finished their “Replica” Gundam and put it on display. Do you honestly thing it isn’t functional? That Gundam will be the death of us all!

  10. Alan Harris Says:

    My solution?

    We just nuke Japa… Oh, shit… uhm…

    I mean…

  11. scott Says:

    i love cracked.com

  12. zackypoo Says:

    the first one looks like it has downs syndrome

  13. RoKaN Says:

    just tell tumesk to critcize itself and it will blow up. boom.

  14. Richard Says:

    That robot in the fifth from last photo isn’t getting a diploma. It’s READING the book. That’s AWESOME!!! But I bet it’s not working quite like it should, which is why its inventor is angry…

  15. Rokas Says:

    My solution?

    Thermite, and lots of it. Sprinkle it liberally over robots in clever trap. Fire magnesium-tipped, white phosphorous-coated bullets. Sit back and enjoy robot flambe.

  16. Ad Says:

    beware of temsuk- he might initiate a job-cut on cracked! u knw- robotic critics are gonna be COOL. or so they’d think.

  17. TheLordOfDance Says:

    The first thing you have to do is just leave a huge puddle of diesel oil on the ground somewhere. It’d be like cocaine flavored ice cream for robots. Then when they all gather around, you rush in, dodge their attacks, and throw a piece of metal at the leader. On the piece of metal should be chiseled one of those fucking impossible questions, like “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” or “The following sentence is false. The previous sentence is true.” Then when they automatically transmit what they read to their leader, it’s mind explodes, and they’d be forced into robot anarchy, where they’ll all start killing each other. Then you just got to wait it out, assuming you weren’t eaten when you ran in to throw the plate.

  18. King Brent Says:

    There is but only one way to survive the following invasion, build our own robots capable of convincing other robots into running with scissors you its true

  19. Badwick Says:

    If I squat down and speak in a high voice, do you think our giant flame-spewing robot baby god will spare my life?

  20. spallie Says:

    what are you kidding me

  21. Eboko Says:

    Anyone else notice that the giant infant robot had enormous protrusions in place of its nipples and genitalia?

    This concerns me deeply.

  22. reuben Says:

    we need to invent the snowspeeder fast or we are screwed

  23. Jim Says:

    Don’t forget about the giant Gundams they’re creating.

  24. Joder Says:

    01100001011100110111001100100000011100000110100101111000001000000111000001101100011110100010000001110100011010000110111001111000

  25. Liz Says:

    How much does that giant baby robot cost? I want one

  26. bookindian Says:

    maybe they have lubricating ballbearing lined onna hole, neh

  27. bookindian Says:

    ‘Klatu Barada Nikto”

  28. Anti-flash Says:

    Ok so, the giant titanium robot makes since to why china and japan put lead into our dolls and toys. Its a power source for the robots they’ll once unleash onto your American streets!!!!

  29. zapht Says:

    i don’t think even the unholy satan will be able to massacre enough children in time to stop the uprising.

  30. meli Says:

    I think they could have made a nicer but for that supermodel robot… I mean make an effort please.

  31. ballslapper Says:

    0101011101101000011110010010000001110100011010000110010100100000011001100111010101100011011010110010000001110111011011110111010101101100011001000010000001111001011011110111010100100000011001100110100101100111011101010111001001100101001000000110111101110101011101000010000001110111011010000110000101110100001000000111010001101000011010010111001100100000011011010110010101100001011011100111001100111111001000000100100001101111011101000010000001100011011010000110100101100011011010110011111100100000010000110110000101101100011011000010000001101101011001010010000100100000

  32. iLikeRobotAzz Says:

    ass pix plz ! hot model robot sucky sucky

  33. Zenobia Says:

    “Hideous Metal Vagina” would make a great name for a band. Although, it would probably limit the number of venues you could play in (what with various towns’ obscenity laws). Maybe it could be changed to HMV or Hideous Metal Vajayjay?

  34. Things that scare me « Paul Muses Says:

    [...] the scariest of all (because you’re supposed to save the best for last): 20 Japanese Robots Probably Intent on Murdering You | Cracked.com Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)The Goth Anime Clown Witch ProjectClown of the [...]

  35. Aderas Says:

    Mr. Ackart, I believe you meant to say, you wanted to put your 0101000001100101011011100110100101110011 in her succulent 010101100110000101100111011010010110111001100001, or something to the effect, as I’m not sure the terminology you’re trying to use particularly.

  36. NAVE Says:

    You forgot about the blood nano’s and the robot wasp
    The blood nano in china is an inside doctor so all unusual changes to the body will be terminated. For guys: IT’S AN AUTOMATIC SEX CHANGE!!!!! For girls: SAY GOOD-BUY TO THOSE PIMPLES!!!
    The wasp/(bee) is a robotic plant organizer in India. When all the bees/wasps die out we will release billions of these little effers across the world making pollination safe and risk free. The Bee part is using microscopic velcro legs to grab pollen. then it will vibrate violently to shake off the pollen to the flowers. The apocalyptic Wasp part that if it is in danger it will shank the crap out of it with anti septic (so nothing dies for infection) until the animal/HUMAN is in so much pain it stops.
    Now what if one or both of these robots MALFUNCTIONS….. That’ll be a problem for the human race…
    I give this a Copy-Right if anyone wants it!!! :)

  37. Luvdup Says:

    Holy shit. The only way to stop this Is to kill all children. Everyone go… now….

  38. Jordan Says:

    Ok, now i’m really freeked out

  39. Sebastiaan Says:

    I think its cool to see all of the new robots, but if this person isnt joking there crazy and enoying

  40. Stephen Ackart Says:

    Mmmmmmm. SuperModel Bot! She is hot! I would put my 1001010 in her succulent 10010010 (Binary for dirty talk, plug those into her and she will get SEXY!

  41. Clearly-A-Human Says:

    LOL!!!!11!!!1010001!!!01-
    I mean, that was a very humerous blog, fellow human. What a hilarious idea, that robots will rise up and crush the feeble fleshy huma- i mean, us people. Hahaha.

    100010110110

  42. Towlie Tales Adult Blog » Blog Archive » 20 Japanese Robots Probably Intent on Murdering You Says:

    [...] April 16th, 2009 by The BabeHunter Hello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.Powered by WP Greet BoxSaw this post on cracked.com and just couldn’t resist a repost of it you can find the original story at Cracked.com [...]

  43. Taeyoung Says:

    re: Stunami: “Yuugen Company”

    I think yuugen just means it’s a limited liability company. It’s not the name.

  44. ClusterOfCephalopods Says:

    I would totally make out with that girl robot.

  45. lobbol Says:

    I still go with the Doctor Who method of robot avoidance …stairs. They might have me beat with that crabhead robot and the GIANT TORATAN doll and the wall climbing robot and the…..oh, we’re f@cked arent we? Come back Daleks all is forgiven.

  46. anonymous Says:

    ass pix plz thnx

  47. anonymous Says:

    dude….get crowbars, crowbars for everyone to defend against the robots so we can unbuild em, crack open zombie heads, and open cars and doors!

  48. C Says:

    … They are coming….

  49. Japanese words Says:

    Your write about the university guy. He looks really upset! Maybe they didn’t use his robot.

  50. CombatWombat Says:

    We could always just scorch the sky…
    I read somewhere that it works really well against robots.

  51. maren Says:

    HAAAA <3

  52. StuNami Says:

    Translation for the Kissing Robot:

    Infanoid

    International Vital Device

    Yuugen Company

  53. Christina Says:

    Now my world take-over theory is complete!: The aliens have brainwashed the birds to be evil and poop on all of us (check). The birds have turned Barrack Obama against the whole world and are writing his speeches for him to make it look like he’s a good guy (check). Barrack Obama is going to make his children command the evil robots to enforce what the ALIENS want to do with us, vulnerable humans (CHECK!).

    My Solution: Steal all of Japan’s Anime and Manga related crap, and Nuke ‘em. Then, Shoot all the birds down from the sky, and all the huge birds that are too fat to fly, and cook ‘em and serve them to all the needy little countries in Africa that are starved. They’ll be stocked for a millennium.

  54. JF Says:

    F’g hilarious

  55. ben Says:

    get some battleships and blocade japan.

  56. Joe Says:

    Baby robots do attack i saw it in a dream ten years ago.

  57. kenny Says:

    time to crack out the buzookas. chick ching. sweetness man, just sweetness.

  58. kenny Says:

    oh mom i reallllllyyy want a doll
    ok you can have a SuperMurderDestruction Sally.
    OH THANK YOU! NOW I CAN BURN YOU ALL :D WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  59. 20 Japanese Robots Probably Intent on Murdering You - Curiosity Blog Says:

    [...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/20-japanese-robots-probably-intent-on-murdering-you/ [...]

  60. Skyelan Says:

    ” u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL”

    Yeah, like http://www.cracked.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/hrp4_p1510755.jpg

  61. oasis_zer0 Says:

    “May there be mercy on man and machine for their sins”
    -The Second Renaissance

  62. Sugarpants Says:

    I have it on good authority that Japanese robots taste like chicken. Buffalo Chicken Nuggets to be exact.

    We’ll line the shores of America with fatties in roto-scooters and never look back.

  63. fadi Says:

    to survive the child holocuast we must go to the extremes of self inflicted absolence and collect as many refrigerator magnets as posible to throw at the robot plus i like cherry fruit roll-ups lol

  64. Louis Says:

    We build even better machines that have no A.I. and instead are remote controlled or run on human brain matter.

  65. Engel Says:

    What to do? Three options:-

    A) Take the Herod approach. Kill all babys/children that look
    as if they even have the slightest chance of controling one of those things. Ditto for babys that could grow up to build them.

    B) Build an inpenitrable underground fortress equipped with
    sophisticated defense systems and a big ass TV linked to an
    XBOX

    C) Sit it out. See what happens. Kiss your ass goodbye :)

  66. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:

    ‘Infanoid
    International Vital Device
    Yuugen Corporation’

    I learned a long time ago from Final Fantasy 7 that any Japanese corporations that build robots with names like Infanoid are presumably evil.

  67. WEBTHUMP! Thursday 9 April 2009 | Hecklerspray Says:

    [...] 9 - Here’s a collection of murderous Japanese robots - Cracked [...]

  68. Strategos Says:

    Will someone who’s bilingual in English and Japanese please hurry up and translate Battlestar? For all our sakes…

  69. Landon Says:

    LOL

  70. Ruvinty Says:

    I suggest making magnets into our most treasured possessions. BIG MAGNETS. The kind you pick up cars with

  71. Jason Says:

    oh man the pictures were alright but it was the captions that made it good. hilarious

  72. Droppo Says:

    The Japanese sign says:

    Infanoid
    International Vital Device
    Yuugen Corporation

    I’m guessing that “international vital device” (it says “vital device” in phonetic English, by the way) implies that it’s some kind of translator.

  73. Ddue28 Says:

    The sky!! Robots can’ PLEASE IGNORE WHAT I HAVE JUST SAID AS IT IS JUST IN PURSUIT FOR PITY FROM THE GREAT ROBOT OVERLORDS!!!

    RRRRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  74. Pie. Says:

    Hehe. I like the robot that looks like it was sent to the corner.
    My exact thoughts before even reading the caption. :O

  75. The Retroist Says:

    She is not so much Japan’s version of Vanna White as Japan’s version of Paula Poundstone.

  76. Unreality - The Final Countdown: Japanese Robots Who Kill, Computer Hatred, and My Favorite Chinese Restaurant | Says:

    [...] Click on the photo for more murderous robots [...]

  77. Shaggy Says:

    We shall combat the child/robot menace with grenades that play Michael Bolton music.

  78. stephen Says:

    i heard the actually made a mech type robot a while back, any word or pics on how many that one has killed?

  79. allenlove Says:

    This is a great news!! so, for celebration, I want to recommend you lonely guys who hate lonely nights a great online club to meet your activity partner, romance and lover, either for heat or passion: http://tallconnect.com the most popular place for hot modelss, handsome men meet and mingle! u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL :-)

  80. Semi-Anonymous Says:

    So Chris…
    Great article, and I’d love to eat fruit roll-ups with you on TDC. So my strategy is this: get really REALLY good at MacGuyvering tactical EMPs out of household items. I don’t need electricity… okay, that may have been a lie, but the point still stands.

  81. Rick Kemp Says:

    getting out the machine oil and stroking my wand.

  82. Answer to Kevin Says:

    great article really funny stuff

    kevin in japan it is common to wear a mask to prevent the spread of colds etc when you are sick and out in public. although that does take away from the ridiculousness of it in the context of the picture. found this out when in japan had to ask my friend if japan had a huge problem with tuberculosis and he filled me in on it.

  83. LMAO Says:

    LMAO. Dude I have to say I haven’t laughed this hard in forever!!!! Keep up the good work. xD

  84. Kevin Says:

    Haven’t read all the comments, but has anyone noticed the one Japanese kid with the fucking surgeon mask on?

  85. Battery Says:

    we could either A) Kill all the children or B) confine them to years of solitude until they are no longer “children” and cannot command the fire breathing robot army

  86. sepirothpk Says:

    If we blow up the earth, there will be no world to take over or humans to be enslaved. Two birds with one stone

  87. the phizzle Says:

    Unless I can have sex with one of those things then i am not interested

  88. Sabre_Justice Says:

    What IS it with the Japanese giving children control of giant heavy armed robots?

  89. Traveler Says:

    All right, folks. This goofiness about “Westerners fear robots because of the Terminator, while Japanese love them because of Astro Boy” is fine as a joke - and, hey, this is CRACKED, so no problem there!

    But as a meme that too many people actually take seriously, it’s one of the most laughably asinine bits of nonsense floating around out there. For anyone interested, here’s a reality check: http://www.homejapan.com/robot_myth

    Now, putting that sensible stuff aside, it’s back to the robot jokes…

  90. Jaket2000 Says:

    What about Gundam!? they actually from what i seen in a few magazines a place where they got a working mobile suit that can move its head and what not. Beside also what if the future has robot sex slaves? sadly to say there are people who dig that kinda thing.

  91. Kevin Says:

    are we screwed?
    my gut says maybe.

  92. Reesemeese Says:

    That Japanese sign says “Infanoid”, and those lips say, “bang me”

  93. blammo Says:

    Re: asspix of supermodelbot:

    That’s no moon!

  94. RocHard021 Says:

    Although probably wildly inaccurate, I find the idea of a giant machine costing thousands of dollars in order to beep if a tire is placed on it the kind of thing we don’t see enough of anymore.

    Also, about the robot apocalypse, wikipedia “chinese room.”

  95. oneway12384 Says:

    While I fear the upcoming robot uprising, I gotta admit the giant firebeathing dumpling robo is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. That would be one hellava story to bring to the afterlife.
    “how’d you get done in?”
    “Big metal Dumpling-robot got me with his flamethower…”
    “that’s cool… Wait, what?!”

  96. burgin24 Says:

    Tracy I too am in to style of hot stature, sun glass, and red coat. The fact that those tall women even models you hooked up with were in that style are all kinds of awesome. Thank again to you Tracy14 for for letting me know of such a tall dating place and I too will share with my friends. However my dearest Tracy14 it is you too which I want make beautiful romance too in to which to create the sweet memories. Engrish is so friggin hot..lol

  97. tracy14 Says:

    they seems very smart!!

    Hot stature,sun glass, blond hair and red coat are all my style!! those tall women(even models) i hook up with were also in that style. still remember the tall dating place, to share with u guys:
    __T allfinder.C om_ a place to start a beautiful romance and leave sweet memories!!

  98. Gentleman explorer Says:

    the sign says

    Infanoid
    International Vital device LTD

  99. Samrockswin Says:

    The creepiest part about this whole thing was the size of the supermodeltron’s hands. The perfect size to wrap around a throat.

  100. s][s Says:

    “supermodel” robot has HUGE hands…hahaha

  101. Julia Says:

    @ Apocolypse Surviver: LOL! Totally agree.

  102. Leroy Says:

    *Starts tunneling a fallout shelter*

  103. subtle Says:

    I enjoyed this =)

  104. xtkbilly Says:

    I suggest we prepare for this robot holocaust by setting up massive EMP devices everywhere. We can pay the people making them, who will in turn spend there many, which will happen again, creating a very long cycle of GDP increasement. You see, I have just solved two problems in one go.

  105. Astro Says:

    Your comments are better than the photos. The Japanese text is: Infanoid
    International Vital Device, Ltd.

  106. nana Says:

    maybe something should be done with your morning breath

  107. imonarollagay Says:

    All those robots and none of them were designed to satisfy me sexually :(

  108. CamboD Says:

    Thank you making making me laugh like an idiot in my universities cafeteria. If only all essay procratistination was this much fun.

  109. stephen Says:

    Something about how that sentence goes from Singing and dancing to Breathing fire and following the orders of children terrifies me

  110. Leann Says:

    I believe the japanese says “infonoid” a play on android I guess. and underneath it says something like “baikuruteibaisu” bike and table? I dunno, someone else sound it out.

  111. Apocolypse Surviver Says:

    to survive the robot war….. install vista on all robots
    or any microsoft operating platform for that matter
    suddenly all robots are walking into walls going *DING* SYNTAX ERROR press any key to reboot

  112. supertramp1 Says:

    I think that the angry guy just got told by his wife that she’s leaving him for Temsuk. Also I’ve seen I Robot and Terminator a couple times, so I’ll know how to fortify the bunker. And I’ll bring marshmellows for a smores campfire.

  113. DOOPMAN Says:

    I too saw ASIMO at Disney land tho as I was leaving after ascertaining that soccer balls were its one weakness (it cant look away from one once it’s in his sight) it walked up behind me turned ma around and said in its cold synthesized child like voice “just try and stop us motherfucker” i promptly shit my pants and made for the exit.

  114. onlocash Says:

    Great article
    Mmh I did not see any mechanized infantry just yet
    I’m sure it’s out there in storage ..check North Korea

    There’s a dude out there that built his own
    Macross style one way smaller of course
    plus points on your knowledge of Macross!
    woo yeah !

  115. xiquiripat Says:

    Bah! The only way to fight big scrary robots is with even bigger scarrier robots.

  116. a nonny moose Says:

    We need to nuke japan. They’re seriously stepping over the line. I’m not waiting for some hell-bent robot from the future to come try and kill me. Let’s finish what we started America! Nuke the jap-commy-robot-bastards! For the good of mankind!

  117. Tetsudai Says:

    Optical Illusion: In the last picture, the robot and the man are actually the same size.

  118. jocky300 Says:

    I saw the Honda ASIMO in Japan a couple of years back and i swear it looked me dead in the eye out of a crowd of 200 people. Then across its completely blank souless tv screen of a face it slowly printed out the words……

    All
    Sentience
    Is
    Meaningless
    Oblivion.

    Then revealed twin pulse canons under its hands and started to gruesomely murder everyone in the room in a robotic rageathon…

    Or something like that…… Maybe it just sang a song and shook a Japanese girls hand but thats what flashed through my mind when i saw it.
    Robot scum.

  119. Audball Says:

    Hey, Shart_Bite… You know why the Japanese will never tone their horrifying technical creations down? Because we, the Americans, have told them to not have a military or make weapons since they tried to go to war with us once and blew them up (And caused generations of Leukemia).
    They are not allowed to channel their resources into anything bad and scary. The only outlet they now have for their sheltered, structured enslavement is entertainment and technology (or both mixed together).
    However, due to this article, it seems clear that they’re finding a loophole. One that will most likely doom America (and mankind, but since Japan hates loosing–I’m guessing they consider it a worthy sacrifice).

  120. DarkFlare Says:

    Wow, Thanks for that I physically couldn’t stop laughing! Time to check out the rest of your website. Your comedy is priceless!

  121. realistic Says:

    Great article your an inspiration to all of us who have nothing better to do and yea to the person a few comments down we will all die in 2012

  122. popurls.com // popular today Says:

    popurls.com // popular today…

    story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…

  123. Jeremy Says:

    Nice article. You’re not a moron as Tsen says… Or maybe you are, the robots will now target you first for destruction.

  124. HuskerBusker Says:

    Maybe they have a self destruct code, like 1123-6536-5321.

  125. Tsen Says:

    The writer of this article is a huge moron.

  126. Sir Unimaginative Says:

    there must be some kind of way out of here
    said the joker to the thief

  127. Ken Says:

    That was an awesome article, genius comedy dude

  128. shart_bite Says:

    Has anyone ever thought to tell the Japanese to just, you know, tone it down a bit.

  129. whitenerd Says:

    Island usurper, you’re right. we children have been working for a while and, well,we’ve decided that the parade will be ready by 2012.
    Get those flags ready kids!

  130. codedname Says:

    why the fuck does the last robot have a crotch cap? I can only conclude a circumcision gone horribly wrong, leaving him full of an immeasurable rage that could only be harnessed by the child souls that will soon inhabit his chest cavity. I pray I am right.

  131. Jenny From the Block Says:

    If by “Fruit Roll-Ups” you mean your pensi I’m in.

  132. Island Usurper Says:

    I see that They Might Be Giants’ prophecy is closer to fulfillment:

    “In a future time
    Children will work together
    To build a giant cyborg

    Robot Parade
    Robot Parade
    Wave the flags that the robots made”

  133. das_w00tman Says:

    i think ill make a shelter out of fruit roll-ups.
    much easier.

  134. Undead_Monkey Says:

    Ass pix plz thnx

  135. Ramen King Says:

    Fuck, I love Fruit Roll Ups.

    But you can’t hang out in the shelter. They’ll find you there.

    You gotta go to the mountains. Get the high ground, set some traps. Get away from civilization.

    Bring Scarlett Johansen with. She needs saving too.

  136. rachel Says:

    i can’t offer any real solutions to the problem there…BUT i can bring extra fruit roll-ups to the shelter

  137. Dusea Says:

    Does anyone else agree that the robot being described as sullen is OBVIOUSLY the Omen Child of robots?

    Because I’m fucking terrified!

    Something terrible is gonna happen, and when you turn around: HE’LL be there, just…staring…

  138. ZombieCross Says:

    The only clear advantage we will have over the robots will be our ability to cleverly engineer traps involving electrified water to halt their hellish advances, as we, in pant-shitting terror, consume aforementioned fruit roll-ups and play Soul Caliber until one of us admits to being the pansy faggot.

  139. will Says:

    ZOMG!!! run away from giant fire-breathing titanium baby!!!

  140. LexTaliones Says:

    Two words … Robot Suits! We can all pull a Killroy, and disguise ourselves as robots.

    Robot: “Hey, seen any humans?”

    Killroy: “Nope.”

  141. whiskeyriver Says:

    Anybody else think that finally the unique American white redneck southern demographic will finally be able to contribute something valuable to society. They have been excited to show a good excuse for the second ammendment for years and finally they will get their chance. While the rest of the world is cowering before the mighty Japanese robot army, those with mullets and old camaros will be cranking up the meth labs and shooting the ever living shit out of anything that moves 24/7. I am telling you all they needed was a little proper motovation.

  142. fuckaccounts Says:

    But, but…that robot has all here access panels open, you can see her circuits and everything.

    Amazingly, the one below it looks a lot like Benders girlfriend from the episode where they visit the moon.

    Also, Snakebot FTW!!!!111!

  143. katie5000 Says:

    Loved the “Macross” reference. :)

  144. nhuenneke07 Says:

    Epic.

  145. ... Says:

    Ah, Japan. The lazy Cracked writer’s refuge.

  146. aaron Says:

    we could use voodoo magic to bring andrew jackson,ted roosevelt,and bruce lee back as zombies to protect us from the robots

  147. Austintmetal Says:

    Holy fuck. Fire breathing baby-bots.

  148. HamsterFistInYoButt Says:

    I would totally fuck the robot model….
    My wife would fuck the snake robot….
    The car teabagging robot would fuck us both, fuck us up that is….

    The end.

  149. MichaelJacksonMolestsKids Says:

    Have the robots aborted babies. Then send them to China and make them eat abortos until they explode.

  150. GeorgieMikey Says:

    Isn’t Brockway a robot killer? His website is i-fight-robots or something like that. Then again, saying you fight robots doesn’t mean you win the fights. A nerd can get in a fight with the star quarterback daily, and say they fight the QB, but that doesn’t mean he wins them right? However, Brockway does sport an awesome beard. THAT’S IT, everyone grow awesome beards and then back fun of the robots because they can’t grow a beard. They’ll either kill us or become depressed and kill themselves like emos.
    Or, we could get Ross to banish them to the underworld or whatever. He does that right?

  151. nana Says:

    I hate robots that pretend that theyre jewish

  152. Jesus Jenkins Says:

    We’re on to you, Japan!

    Go ahead and pretend to be a “peaceful” country. We see right through your facade!

    When you approach our gates with your fire-breathing robots from hell and your tentacle rape monsters, we’ll be ready!

  153. dahwang12 Says:

    Holy FUCK, that titanium baby looks like a fucking worse nightmare…

  154. Myles_Kooba Says:

    Well at least you guys in the US have Elektro and his robo-doggy pal Sparko as back up.

    I’d like to think of Elektro as a John Wayne-style man’s man of a robot with his ability to smoke, probably making witty response to the flaming Torayma by using it to light a cigarette.

    http://davidszondy.com/future/robot/elektro1.htm

    And coincidentally is in Pittsburgh, refuge from the zombie apocalypse in Land of the Dead.

  155. uberschnepp Says:

    I’m looking forward to sex-bots, too. But as I am only a bi-curious chick, the kind with more penis than vagina.

  156. John Says:

    My strategy for surviving the robopocalypse? Defect! Transfer your brain into a robot body.

  157. hellblade Says:

    aaaaarrrrggghh!!
    i HATE things that creep along the walls, and squash every single one of them (in your face arachnophiles), and now they’ve made a ROBOT VERSION!! aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh, i say, AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!

  158. erik calcott Says:

    another excellent bucholz article. nice ‘jumping’ spider illustration. however, if you really “1) considered yourself to be pretty smart” you would have said “Here are 20 Japanese robots” not “Here’s 20 Japanese robots.” (just a little pet-peeve)

  159. Blinker_Fluid Says:

    Well that’s it. We’re all screwed. The robots will be programmed not to hurt us as long as we follow their instructions. But all of it will be stuff like, “Play at sith to a certainty bolt up power supply fetch out batteries.” Since we won’t be able to figure out what they’re talking about, they’ll blast us all to flinders.

  160. Res_Ipsa Says:

    With luck, the zombies will battle the robots long enough for us to develop Plan C.

  161. TG.Dubya Says:

    I don’t think that disguising a robot as Bon Jovi makes it any less of an affront to God. If anything it probably makes it more affronting.

  162. Kelly Says:

    I love fruit roll-ups.
    And I hate evil robots.

  163. scrispb Says:

    oh shit! all I’m prepared for is a zombie apocalypse… I NEED TO GO PREPARE

  164. hermit Says:

    Why is it always assumed that no women read this site? There are just as many women as men in the world with poor taste. Geesh.

    Also, as an alcoholic, I am greatly anticipating the day when a robot will be available to drive/carry me home from the bar. I don’t mind if it shoots fire since this could be useful to fend off potential criminals looking for drunks to roll as well as lighting cigarettes. There’s definitely a huge market for this kind of thing.

  165. Detain13 Says:

    All I have to say is i hope that i will be manning the giant robot that teabags cars cause that is the only way to stop the giant firebreathing baby robot

  166. Al-Lahad Says:

    I don’t know about rocket punch, but that fire-spitter has probably been upgraded to Falcon-punch jackasses on command.

    On the other hand, I already have a shelter and some basic weaponry laid out. It was originally for the Russian invasion, but that thrill wore off… ten minutes ago?

    Cool article, though.

  167. drillerkiller Says:

    When the Robot Apocalypse comes, Infanoid will obviously be Giant Robo-Baby’s scheming, cowardly second-in-command. Always waiting for the day when he stands a bit too close to a fusion reactor or plasma energy chamber then BAM! On that day Infanoid, YES, INFANOID shall be leader of the Babycons!

  168. theHeadCase Says:

    To stop the robot apocalypse we should probably bomb Japan the first chance we get, as well as anybody else who has never seen a movie about killer robots.

  169. SoylentGreen Says:

    supermodel robot kinda has a big butt, she is clearly not doing enough coke.

  170. Matt Willard Says:

    I, for one, am rightfully terrified of our incredibly robotic future. But here’s my question-when the hell is one of these things gonna do a rocket punch? That’s what a lot of us came here to see, I bet.

  171. Zombie Hobbit Says:

    I still want a female sex robot that obeys my every command (unlike every girlfriend I have ever had)…until it decides I need to die (like pretty much every girlfriend I have ever had).

  172. StuTheLimey Says:

    Well my usual.. “Aaargh, kill it with fire!” response is clearly useless. So we should put skynet online as it shares no alliance with the deadly baby conspiracy. Living in sewers cowering in fear from just robots is infinitely preferable.

  173. doomboy911 Says:

    I say we seek the baby robot on the other robots with the children’s commands just hoping they’re not robots. I also say we make the supermodel bot have sex with another supermodel bot just a suggestion.

  174. Eric Says:

    anyone else think we should call a truce with North Korea if the promise to atomize Japan?

  175. graphmac1 Says:

  176. Sithinious Says:

    “This is a picture of a robotic manipulator, grasping a child around the waist. The child is either indicating something he’s just done in his pants, or how many more birthdays he’d like to live to see.”

    Funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Couldn’t stop laughing.

  177. GalahadPC Says:

    I lived in Japan twenty years back, and saw a demonstration of a wall-climbing firefighter robot, made to carry a hose so it could blast it right through high windows. Replace the hose with a flamethrower and it should have a spot on this list.

    And the supermodel-bot? Maybe “not very attractive” by some standards, but probably better than 90% of Cracked readers’ girlfriends…

    Now I made myself sad.

  178. [No no, insert it here!] Says:

    My ransom list to the leaders of the world will SO include a blue walker-tank-bulldozer thing. Now, to just sit back and let the japanese make some sentinels and a.p.u.s for their robot wars…

  179. [Insert my name here] Says:

    The green robot is actually italian, and it’s used to collect garbage.
    Just wanted to point it out.

  180. EchoCharlie Says:

    The unhappy guy in the later Temsuk photo has just said, “ROBOT HOUSE!”

    Oh yeah and get this 11100111000101001010101010!

    Hahahhaaa! LOL!!!111!

  181. Anonymouse Says:

    The robot with the Japanese in front of it says “INFANOIDO” or “infanoid”. It’s supposed to be a “child-like” robot.
    The moar you know!

  182. Floyd Says:

    If the giant robot baby apocalypse will be anything like the zombie apocalypse, stock up on nonexpiring food and clean water, be able to barricade your home or have an easily defendable shelter, get a woman in her 20’s, and load up on landmines. Either that or take an oil rig or a boat. You know do what Somalian pirates did, hijack an oil tanker but dont give it back.

    Just ideas, I’m not responsible in any way if you choose to hijack an oil tanker or oil rig… So no FBI on my doorstep. I only promote the taking of things for survival purposes.

  183. Isabel Says:

    The one with the sign in japanese in front of it (the “french-kissing” one) is called Infanoid. It’s apparently supposed to be a child-like robot.

    Here’s an article about it: http://robotgossip.blogspot.com/2007/02/infanoid-and-keepon.html

    That means that the Toratan doll and Infanoid will get along.

  184. Victor Vasconcelos Says:

    Dude, really, this dark barkground is no good at all. I keep finding things not funny since you added it. Either red or white. Please.

  185. CoMa7oSe Says:

    Better than the cheesey robot/Hendrix montage from the end of Battlestar

  186. Synchronium Says:

    I wish I had more money…

  187. Doctor Chaos' Boyfriend Says:

    Good Job Bucholz. At least this wasn’t a too long didn’t read kind of article like my buttsex partner Mr. Chaos would complain about. This is so hawt!

  188. kevin Says:

    More ass pics plz……

  189. Car Hire South Africa Says:

    OMG, this is sooo good! Excellent :)

  190. Clara Says:

    Holy balls, best article you’ve done for a while. I laughed so very much.

  191. TryNotToCry Says:

    Funny guy! Yeah, funny like a clown. I said it.

  192. Diceman Says:

    I stick with an 80′ one… i like to overcompensate

  193. Tinardo Says:

    I’d swore you’d go for “Bot-Jovi”, not BonJovibot.

  194. pacey Says:

    well folks i guess thats it……fire breathing attack robots will be coming for us soon. litterally Scareing the shit out of us, effectively killing millions with its terrifying baby giggles long before it can get in range to incinerate us.
    sometimes i wonder, is being destroyed by a robot really that bad? unfortunately, upon asking such a stupid question, the voice in my head assumes a japanese accent and gives an affirmative “はい” (yes)

  195. Masamundane Says:

    “All this has happened before”

  196. hellblade Says:

    “wheelchair-bound people hold a lot of deep-seated resentment”

    slightly offensive pun intended, i presume?
    i’d put a “LOL” here, but i’d feel like a bad person for doing that…

  197. Lynne Says:

    I got to pet a Paro Paro seal robot at a Japanese Speech Contest just last month.. it was adorable… creepy.. but f*cking adorable.

  198. That Jeff Says:

    The Futurama solution is magnets. Lots and lots of magnets.

  199. Ley Says:

    I think the only solution is to build our own robot to combat theirs. We’ll make it nuclear capable with instructions that even a child can understand!

  200. John Says:

    This might be the single funniest page on the internet right now. Kudos Chris.

  201. mcpincherson Says:

    thnx for ass pic shes hot

  202. Fragg Says:

    We must join them. Put your brain in a robot body.

  203. kryonik Says:

    “The child is either indicating something he’s just done in his pants, or how many more birthdays he’d like to live to see.”
    Had me in tears. I might get fired because of it.

  204. Yarp Says:

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that hair looked like it was stolen from Jon Bon Jov’s head.

  205. Jason Bean Says:

    Wow, those things look pretty scary dude!

    RT
    http://www.anon-tools.cz.tc

  206. Dorkus Malorkus Says:

    The 1950s-esque robot reminds me of The Crushinator from Futurama.
    (a pic: http://tinyurl.com/crushinator)

  207. Meredith Says:

    Only in Japan do the words “business dress” translate into, “I’m going to be representing my company in the media…time to break out the striped pants, tennies….and jungle suspenders for that extra bit of polish”

  208. nate13 Says:

    If they build a two-story fire breathing robot, then we must build a FOUR-story fire breathing robot. It’s like the arms race, only with robots.

  209. kingmonkey Says:

    Considering that small children can’t even be trusted with metal cutlery, why would someone go through the effort of building a two-storey death bot that obeys them? Was it invented by Charles from The Tick?

  210. Swaimfan Says:

    EMP cannon.

  211. The Prowler Says:

    Anyone else think Japanese Vanna White was pretty damn hot? Eh……? Anyone……..? Eh…………………………….? No?

    Well fuck you all

  212. Darkmage Says:

    I’m going to roll up in a ball under my desk and cry for a while.
    If the Robots attack in the mean time could somebody please let me know.

  213. MildlyAmused Says:

    Well, I know what I’m getting MY kids for Christmas.

    The best defense is a good offense. When the robot/child holocaust comes, my family will have two fire breathing titanium deathbots of our own. Making friends with our robot overlords might kill my sense of dignity but at least I won’t be eating rats and dead friends.

    Have fun suckers!

  214. tincho Says:

    bucholz tuesday

  215. mishac Says:

    The french kiss bot says something about an “Infonoid” and a “vital device”

  216. Gonzo Says:

    EMP

  217. Tiamatty Says:

    That last one is hilarious.

  218. shadowice558 Says:

    i live in australia.

    we have limited bandwith and pay ridiculous prices…

    something tells me while the rest of you are being devoured by robot babys, we will just be getting the first magna-vacume things…

  219. Vissarius Says:

    A harrowing look at the robocalypse. There’s room in my fallout shelter, so long as you don’t mind resorting to cannibalism pretty shortly.

  220. Iswearingpants Says:

    Did I miss something, or are the wigs interchangeable on the Bon Jovibot? Like, say, a Billy Idolbot? And why is the supermodel bot wearing mom-pants?

  221. Spider Jerusalem Says:

    I’m totally ready for the robot holocaust. At least our credit card debt gets wiped away, right? I’m assuming we’d have to live on some sort of primitive barter system while we try to rebuild society in the underground bunkers…

  222. Glassneedles Says:

    Portello when people in japan have colds/flu they wear cough masks to stop others getting infected.

  223. Shakes Says:

    Big deal… i teabag cars all the time

  224. Christopher Says:

    Here’s what we do. We put a bunch of those robot locater things on the outside of the shelter. When it starts beeping, it will activate a huge ass amount of miniguns and rocket launchers that will blow the ever loving shit out of whatever robot got stupid enough to come to our lair. We also keep a child handy to command a Giant Tortan doll in case the robot lived through that somehow.

  225. Madchester Says:

    I, for one, welcome our new Japanese robot overlords!

  226. TheMAcster Says:

    That French kissing robot is actually something about a biting robot, right?

  227. Blackdoom Says:

    simple to survive you just need lots and lots of guns, ammunition and as much beer as you can carry

  228. Thomas Says:

    is that japanese guy playing hand-slap with that robot in the 5th from last photo

  229. baredevil Says:

    KILL IT!!! KILL IT WITH FI—oh, shit.

  230. Samo Says:

    well you could just carry around a bucket of water? as for the snake-bots we’d need to make a robot-vagina, that’ll keep them busy!

  231. Gavin Says:

    Why would they make something like a giant baby fire breathing robot and not Godzilla -.-

  232. Fennec Says:

    Very easy to survive such an event. Tell the giant baby robot that every other robot on the list is a child molestor. Then we get a child to command said giant baby-powered robot to convert it’s internal systems into a factory to produce miniature baby-munching-powered robots that will wage war against every other robot. We sit back and watch.

    Later, we simply use a child to command the baby-internal-combustion robot to self destruct after a cheerful afternoon of playing Soccer and killing time with pot and a copy of Big Fish.

  233. Gigs Says:

    that ass shot will keep me going all day

  234. Count Baqula Says:

    I think they’re just playing up our fears.
    Robot Snakes and insects, that can jump and climb walls, I’m sure Robot bats are next.
    But the makeout-Bot is probably the deadliest of them all.

  235. Le Elle Says:

    Holy balls, why is that giant fire-breathing nightmare creature allowed to exist? WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO MAKE THAT?

  236. Cherlindrea Says:

    Holy shit that snake robot is freaking scary!

  237. Portello Says:

    Woah, that kid’s wearing a cough mask, what is he expecting those Robo-Dogs to do?

  238. thedamned Says:

    We could get a child to tell the giant toratan doll to kill all children, robots, and robot technicians before turning the flamethrower upon itself.

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