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It's a running theme here at Cracked that a lot of what we think we know about history has been filtered through many centuries of utter bullshit. Our image of the past is largely made up of Hollywood inventions, propaganda and uneducated guesses. So you will probably be surprised to find that... #6.
The Pyramids Were Smooth, White and Shiny
The Perception: We get so busy being amazed by the Pyramids, with their massive, meticulously layered sandy golden bricks, that we forget that what we're seeing are the broken-down remnants. If you could see them new, you'd barely recognize them. They were much more awesome back then. The Reality: What we think of today as the Pyramids are really just the exposed layers of the structural base. The original pyramids lit up like the Times Square of ancient Egypt. Egyptians were all about having the maximum amount of glittery goodness, especially when it came to death.
And since the Pyramids were the tombs of the pharaohs, they made sure they were the biggest, most sparkly things of all. The original outside consisted of smooth, white limestone that hid the layers of brick, giving the effect that a pyramid was one giant solid piece. Don't take our word for it; you can still see bits of that decorative layer on some of them:
That outer crunchy candy shell was then polished until it was on the verge of blinding from all the light it would reflect from the sun or moon. It was said that they could be seen from miles away, even during the night. Of course that wasn't enough, so the capstone was then plated in gold or electrum. Had the technology existed, we're sure the pharaohs would have stuck 24-inch chrome rims on them, too.
Why We Picture it Wrong: What we're looking at today are the equivalent of sports cars that have been long forgotten in some junkyard.
Weather and time have been beating down the pyramids for four and a half thousand years. Well, partly it was time, but mostly it was assholes. Those shiny layers of white and gold? They were stripped off and used in the construction of Medieval Cairo, and there are cracks and holes where 19th century treasure hunters tried to get in with pickaxes and in one unfortunate case, dynamite. Oh don't worry about it looters, those were only the greatest architectural accomplishments of the Ancient World. We're sure what you needed the stuff for was way more important. #5.
Velociraptors Had Feathers
The Perception: Sure, the T-Rex may be the go-to killer dinosaur, but everyone who's anyone knows that Velociraptors were the real baddest asses of prehistoric times. Cracked Paleontologists theorize that if it wasn't for a giant boulder shot from outer space wiping them all out, Velociraptors would be ruling the planet today, only keeping humans around for food and sport.
These deadly beasts of yore looked like miniaturized Tyrannosaurs, but sleeker, quicker and more dangerous. The dinosaur Kobe to the T-Rex's Shaq, if you will. Anyone who's seen Jurassic Park has a pretty good idea of what Raptors looked like. Well... except for one minor detail.
The Reality: They had feathers. Not just a few here and there either. But a full on, honest to goodness coat of teeth-to-tail FEATHERS. Now, it would be awesome if this meant they could fly, but obviously if they could do that, you'd already damned well know about it. No, it turns out Velociraptors were just big fluffy looking lizards, who most likely used the feathers to show off to other raptors, or in mating rituals. Apparently Raptor ladies were impressed if you looked like the bastard offspring of a komodo dragon and Big Bird.
Why We Picture it Wrong: We actually didn't know about this until 1998, when a bone proving the extent of quill knobs on Velociraptors was discovered, and many a childhood ruined.
Here's to hoping they do a Star Wars-style special edition for Jurassic Park, with updated, more accurate CGI dinosaurs. That should be goddamned hilarious. #4.
Greek Statues Were Brightly Painted and Kind of Stupid Looking
The Perception: Quick, what do you picture in your head when we say, "Ancient Greece"? If you're like most people you either picture lots of dudes standing around in togas, or white marble statues with no pupils in their eyes:
Those ornate statues made of pure white marble, depicting the austere beauty and power of epic gods and heroes, have made quite an impression on history. Renaissance sculptors carved their own marble statues based on the belief that that's how the ever wise Greeks did things.
The Reality: Ancient Greece looked more like someone crashed their LGBT pride parade into a Mardi Gras Festival.
Recent studies using the awesome powers of lasers and shit (no, seriously!) have found that once completing the iconic marble statues and buildings we know today, the Greeks covered them head to toe in bright primary colors. Greek sculptors worked together with painters to come up with psychedelic patterns and colors to make their statues and buildings pop. So in the midst of all that theorizing and philosophizing, the Greeks were also really focused on making sure their day to day life looked like the album cover of Magical Mystery Tour. Oh, and you know the iconic Parthenon? Based on the way buildings were painted back then, it was most likely an eye-searing mash of bright yellow, red and blue.
Why We Picture it Wrong: As years passed, like with the Pyramids, the primitive paint used on the statues chipped and wore off, so when they were rediscovered by later civilizations, they appeared in their all white form. And frankly people just liked the idea of the all white marble look. Even so, archaeologists knew that the statues used to be painted, since there were ancient records showing people painting the damned things. However, people simply preferred to display the plain white statues, since they looked more like something made by the founders of Western civilization should look like, in the minds of many scholars. Pure, clean, capturing the shape and essence of scientific accuracy and artistic beauty--whereas the painted versions kinda looked like something you might have made during middle school art class.
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for jesus every culture has a different image of him, how come the white one got so much attention?
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Velociraptor - approximately 2m long (including tail) and weighing up to 15 kg. That's 33 pounds. NOT a vicious dinosaur. They're basically scavengers, and frequently fed by stealing other dinosaurs eggs.
However, closest thing to Jurassic Park Velociraptor is Deinonychus. They're almost 4 meters long and about 75 pounds. Still not a problem for an average person to take on. In addition, they aren't ridiculously fast either. The ratio between Femur and Tibia is on average 0.48 which means that it's slower then an Ostrich. This also means it won't beat a Cheetah in a foot race, and the depiction of it being a swift killer ninja dinosaur are completely retarded.
But that's why movies are awesome. I like their version better.
as an egyptian i know the pyramids should be white and shiny altough very few egyptians know this. people broke off the white stone layer dont know what the stone is called)to build there own stuff (dont ask me how)and left the upper part bec. they fail at failing, now it looks like a goddaMN penis, guess they didnt know its value until they figuered out they can get money out of it..
and the gold top is missing, and if u asked any egyptian even if phd history wat happened? u will never know WTF happened or who took the gold top.
The other theory about Velociraptors' feathers is that it helps them to turn when they hunt. Much in the same way that Ostriches would today.
Theres a way to explain the Jurassic Park Velociraptors, they used frog DNA. Which the last time I checked don't have feathers. So no childhood should be ruined by that fact.
Think he meant due to the fact that Velociraptors were the coolest dinosaur ever, until t'was discovered they had feathers.
Are there any other TVTropes readers here? I'm pretty sure I've read about every single point here in TVTropes articles... I guess the author here did go through the trouble of finding images off the web to illustrate the points, but still, he could've gone with more recently uncovered corrections to our ideas of past people instead of these examples shown here... They seem very "off the top of the head"... The first two points are a part of every Art History 101 textbook!
I'm a troper, it has everything so I doubt Cracked "stole" from it.
The thing is, you do bring up some good points. However, this history is so archaic that it's really ambiguous whether one thing or another happened. For all we know, everything in this article is actually wrong.
To quote _meatstick_, "its pretty easy to make slightly educated hypothesis using obscure references about certain aspects of the past and then claim to know the past better than people who devoted their whole life to said subject(and have a much better degree and less of a social life than these authors of this site)". So true. But hey, it was entertaining.
Thank you for touching on the Jesus thing. There is nothing more troublesome then WHITE JESUS.
Theres nothing more troublesome then races combatting amongst themselves who can stroke their ego to who´s the same colour as the messiah.
How f**king sad is that.
Every race in that competition is just as sad.
Your kind has so much to learn..
It's very funny in some cases, too. The small village my grandparents are from has a very old church, painted in early bizantine style. It recently got a makeover, and guess what! Dark haired, dark eyed, tan, kind-of-geometric Jesus is now blond, blue eyed, white as snow and resembling some kind of nazi cherub. I was outraged, but since Romania doesn't know its art, there wasn't much I could say or do. Let's just hope within a few decades some chunks of paint will fall off, revealing the original ancient painting and inspiring someone who can restore it.
About the velociraptors, you forgot the most major point. The raptors in Jurrasic Park were actually deinonycus (a larger similar type of raptor). They were called velociraptors in the book and movie simply because it's a catchier name. Real velociraptors were about the size of a chicken.
I bet they tasted like chicken too. Bet you whatever you want.
Thnx, i knew the raptor bit awasnt correct since i´ve always been into dino´s in my youth and i remember 100% sure that i read-saw s**t about feathered raptors in my youth.
the raptor bit isnt totally correct because they thought they had feathers before just in a later period and there are multiple breeds of dino´s which looked like that.
Dude, this article is great. Genius. You taught me a lot that I didn't know, or even have the slightest clue about. :)
However, you ruined my childhood with the "Big Bang" thing. You educated me, but when I was little, EVERY year, my parents would take me to DisneyWorld for ONE REASON: To ride roller coasters for the 'big kids' (well, two), and the main reason was to see the Ellen DeGeneres thingy where she's with Bill Nye The Science Guy, explaining the evolution of the Earth, and we're riding on this little moving chair that shows us dinosaurs (actually, two elements of my childhood ruined; I thought Velociraptors were cool until... feathers...).
I was fascinated with The Big Bang, and I can remember watching it like it was two months ago, even though it was about 50 months. "BILL: Hold it, Ellen! Step back, it's gonna explode soon! ELLEN: Why? BILL: It's the Big Bang! This is how the whole universe started! ELLEN: Cool! Can I see it up close? It looks firey! BILL: *pulls her back* NOOO!!!!!" Then there are a bunch of fancy white lights, and POW, we're in front of an Earth screen that quickly zooms in and shows us the Earth. And he explains how the Earth was created, but I'm still in utter fascination at the Big Bang, and then I proceed to buy a bunch of 'adult' science books that all approve of and thoroughly explain the theory.
Dude, you broke my heart, expanded my imagination, depressed it at the same time, and educated me at the same time I was brokenhearted. Thanks for both. :) ...
I guess I am not smart enough to click "submit" just once.
I am not particularly well-educated, well...yes I am. Anyhoo who didn't know about most of these I mean the pyramids and the painted satues who is your "average" reader anyway?
I am not particularly well-educated, well...yes I am. Anyhoo who didn't know about most of these I mean the pyramids and the painted satues who is your "average" reader anyway?
history fail guys. I`m sorry to say that those are not Greek statues but Thracian. the statues depict typical thracian soldiers and weaponry. for example romanian archers from the middle ages dressed similar, and how about the Thracian headgear? you know, the one that you have on the seal of the United States Senate.also called the phyrigian cap.
Agreed, GeorgeVW.
Also, the first sculpture in that section is actually Roman, and is depicting a scene from The Aeneid, a specifically Roman epic. I mean, it's true that the Romans copied the Greeks in much of their sculpture and architecture, but one should at least use a Greek statue to make a point about Greek sculpture.
The painted archer is from the Greek Temple of Aphaia, though the dude himself is a Trojan.
yes, trojans ,a thracian tribe.
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