6 Things From History Everyone Pictures Incorrectly
It's a running theme here at Cracked that a lot of what we think we know about history has been filtered through many centuries of utter bullshit. Our image of the past is largely made up of Hollywood inventions, propaganda and uneducated guesses.
So you will probably be surprised to find that...
#6.
The Pyramids Were Smooth, White and Shiny
The Perception:
We get so busy being amazed by the Pyramids, with their massive, meticulously layered sandy golden bricks, that we forget that what we're seeing are the broken-down remnants. If you could see them new, you'd barely recognize them. They were much more awesome back then.
The Reality:
What we think of today as the Pyramids are really just the exposed layers of the structural base. The original pyramids lit up like the Times Square of ancient Egypt. Egyptians were all about having the maximum amount of glittery goodness, especially when it came to death.
Pharaohs liked tacky shit? We would have never guessed.
And since the Pyramids were the tombs of the pharaohs, they made sure they were the biggest, most sparkly things of all. The original outside consisted of smooth, white limestone that hid the layers of brick, giving the effect that a pyramid was one giant solid piece. Don't take our word for it; you can still see bits of that decorative layer on some of them:
That outer crunchy candy shell was then polished until it was on the verge of blinding from all the light it would reflect from the sun or moon. It was said that they could be seen from miles away, even during the night.
Of course that wasn't enough, so the capstone was then plated in gold or electrum. Had the technology existed, we're sure the pharaohs would have stuck 24-inch chrome rims on them, too.
Why We Picture it Wrong:
What we're looking at today are the equivalent of sports cars that have been long forgotten in some junkyard.
Weather and time have been beating down the pyramids for four and a half thousand years. Well, partly it was time, but mostly it was assholes. Those shiny layers of white and gold? They were stripped off and used in the construction of Medieval Cairo, and there are cracks and holes where 19th century treasure hunters tried to get in with pickaxes and in one unfortunate case, dynamite.
Oh don't worry about it looters, those were only the greatest architectural accomplishments of the Ancient World. We're sure what you needed the stuff for was way more important.
#5.
Velociraptors Had Feathers
The Perception:
Sure, the T-Rex may be the go-to killer dinosaur, but everyone who's anyone knows that Velociraptors were the real baddest asses of prehistoric times. Cracked Paleontologists theorize that if it wasn't for a giant boulder shot from outer space wiping them all out, Velociraptors would be ruling the planet today, only keeping humans around for food and sport.
"We'll give you a two minute head start."
These deadly beasts of yore looked like miniaturized Tyrannosaurs, but sleeker, quicker and more dangerous. The dinosaur Kobe to the T-Rex's Shaq, if you will. Anyone who's seen Jurassic Park has a pretty good idea of what Raptors looked like. Well... except for one minor detail.
"We hope it's not something that makes us look totally lame!"
The Reality:
They had feathers. Not just a few here and there either. But a full on, honest to goodness coat of teeth-to-tail FEATHERS.
Now, it would be awesome if this meant they could fly, but obviously if they could do that, you'd already damned well know about it. No, it turns out Velociraptors were just big fluffy looking lizards, who most likely used the feathers to show off to other raptors, or in mating rituals. Apparently Raptor ladies were impressed if you looked like the bastard offspring of a komodo dragon and Big Bird.
Velociraptors: Preening douchebags of the thunder lizard kingdom.
Why We Picture it Wrong:
We actually didn't know about this until 1998, when a bone proving the extent of quill knobs on Velociraptors was discovered, and many a childhood ruined.
Here's to hoping they do a Star Wars-style special edition for Jurassic Park, with updated, more accurate CGI dinosaurs. That should be goddamned hilarious.
#4.
Greek Statues Were Brightly Painted and Kind of Stupid Looking
The Perception:
Quick, what do you picture in your head when we say, "Ancient Greece"? If you're like most people you either picture lots of dudes standing around in togas, or white marble statues with no pupils in their eyes:
"Colorful clothes are for gangbangers and homosexuals."
Those ornate statues made of pure white marble, depicting the austere beauty and power of epic gods and heroes, have made quite an impression on history. Renaissance sculptors carved their own marble statues based on the belief that that's how the ever wise Greeks did things.
The Reality:
Ancient Greece looked more like someone crashed their LGBT pride parade into a Mardi Gras Festival.
Recent studies using the awesome powers of lasers and shit (no, seriously!) have found that once completing the iconic marble statues and buildings we know today, the Greeks covered them head to toe in bright primary colors. Greek sculptors worked together with painters to come up with psychedelic patterns and colors to make their statues and buildings pop.
So in the midst of all that theorizing and philosophizing, the Greeks were also really focused on making sure their day to day life looked like the album cover of Magical Mystery Tour. Oh, and you know the iconic Parthenon? Based on the way buildings were painted back then, it was most likely an eye-searing mash of bright yellow, red and blue.
Why We Picture it Wrong:
As years passed, like with the Pyramids, the primitive paint used on the statues chipped and wore off, so when they were rediscovered by later civilizations, they appeared in their all white form. And frankly people just liked the idea of the all white marble look.
Even so, archaeologists knew that the statues used to be painted, since there were ancient records showing people painting the damned things. However, people simply preferred to display the plain white statues, since they looked more like something made by the founders of Western civilization should look like, in the minds of many scholars. Pure, clean, capturing the shape and essence of scientific accuracy and artistic beauty--whereas the painted versions kinda looked like something you might have made during middle school art class.
Chinesus!
Reply. Hoyle simply failed to grasp how profoundly our species loves big-ass explosions. hahahaaha love it
ReplyActually, you reasoning doesn't make sense, 'Christians deflect Jesus as Jew to go to Jerusalem, home of Jews and Jesus, to stop... muslims, hide Jesus Jew.' In fact, those anti-semites in Christianity, come from hauty Italians who if you haven't noticed, hated all cultures at most times in their history- though that doesn't speak for all Italians, and more predominantly from Germany- most anti-semitic behaviour occurs in obscure places in Germany, where the Bishops sheltered the jews from these crusaders, often times having their homes destroyed and being killed as well. When these Deutch crusaders tried to cross into Hungary, knights from that country rose up to protect the Jews in their country, slaughtered every last one of those German knights and the rest of Christendom hailed it as the right penalty of God against those who would kill Jews, God's people.
ReplyWhen it comes to the misconception that Christians slaughtered Jews enmass as a popular universal movement, is from, Again- GERMAN reformers, like Martin Luther, whose later career is quite insane. And that infected England because of German exchanges with the island as it too politically isolated itself from seceding from Rome. England brought in tonnes of Germanic people, including marrying some at the royal level and they disseminated their minority views upon the Jews by controlling the Church of England. It's propaganda like the Spanish Inquisition to believe that Anti-semitism is a universal Christian habit.
Where people like to point fingers is when it comes to the point where siege warfare is concerned and everyone in the cities were slaughtered. This is not a Christian practice, it's a political practice of warfare at that time- a city resists, you put down all resisters and civilians to inform the next city that resistance is not worth their time, because then your time is up. Muslims did it too. In these situations, you can't tell who is a Jew, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Jew- you can't tell slave from free, because that's how some people smuggle themselves to freedom- you kill everyone- it has nothing to do with religion, but universal practices of war. As above, Muslims did this too!
Now, in the end, the Crusaders realised that they had been duped by Constantinople, and a long line of kings named Alexis, they were manipulated so he could save money flexing power, holding on to his empire so he could forcefully negotiate with Caliphates, and even make alliances with them when it we profitable, he had no concern for the Jews and Christians being killed he described by 'having their entrails pierced and forced to run around stakes til their viscerals were yanked from their bodies.' Among other things. He wanted commercial trade to run through his city, he wanted to control the the lands in order to be able to squeeze Muslims financially and he constantly abandoned the Westerners he asked for help when it wasn't politically and fiscally feasible- in short, he told them people were dying, he couldn't help them, please send aid, and then constantly betrayed the people who came. When they were finally on par with this, figured it out, the Crusaders sacked Constantinople.
seriously? the feathered "velociraptor" is'nt even a velocitaptor. it is a Sinornithosaurus. i have a guide to this when i was a kid because i was obsessed with dinosaurs. it is proven that they were two separate creatures. i dont like the fact that you are posting false information. my source? kk.
Reply"A Guide To Dinosaurs - Consultant Editor Michael K. Brett-Surman" :)
In the long run, though, what does it matter, considering both were feathered?
Chickens are Dinosaurs ??
Reply"Our Universe began with the mightiest explosion of all time."
Reply- Actual quote from actual Documentary[Citation needed]
uhh
Replyjesus was a jew.jews are white,yes?therefore,jesus was white.
Okay, so not "Caucasian white", but "meditarranean white", which is quite different.
Personally I prefer the Ekonpyreisis theory, basic idea, millions upon billions of universes out there (universes? Universi?) two start to float together after the matter in them has expanded enough that it's nonexistent, touch, make waves in each other, crash, cause tons of gigantic explosions creating matter, then are forced apart by the power of their explosions as the matter begins expanding outward.
ReplyMuch more badass.
I love that there's an ad for the show "Big Bang Theory" right under the number one spot.
ReplyChinesus! Haha
Replyjesus was obvously middle eastern but to say he wasnt white is absurd since middle eastern people are caucasion by defination.
Replythey simply are tan the rendering on here is a little dark. jesus was born in israel and have you seen what they look like they are not that dark they are darker then the average eurpoean but they still are lighter then the picture on here
This is why you read the small print - it says that's what an average person of the time and place would look like. Read Moar.
You're probably thinking of Ashkenazi Israelis who are decended from European immigrants. Jews from the Middle East or elsewhere along the Mediterranean (Mizrachi and Sephardic, respectively) are actually significantly darker than the picture in the article.
Years back,there was a big uproar at a church when they chose a black man to play Jesus in the Christmas play.Letting a black man play him is no more absurd than a white man doing it.What I love about it is how those people accidentally let their racism show at the worst possible time.
ReplyAt my Christian high school that realistic picture of Jesus is pretty close to what I envisioned when my teacher described what Jesus probably looked like in reality. (Not that his appearance has any relevance to doctrine).
ReplyIt kinda does when certain groups (the KKK) use the excuse of "expressing religious ideals" when they burn crosses on the lawns of everyone they hate (people who are not white, American or Christian). And while His message isn't exactly altered by His appearance, we should try to make history as accurate as possible, even if it's just something trivial.
The funny thing is that Jesus wasn't even white, American, or Christian!
I thought the universe was expanding at a rapid pace. Nova never lies.
ReplyFor the first few seconds, or minutes or whatever, the universe went from being the size if a subatomic particle to a baseball then Earth and however big it is today. As far as we're concerned, the universe is still expanding. As to how fast, you'll have to ask an expert.
I worship Chinesus
ReplyThe main reason we think Puritans dressed like that is because that's the way they dressed when having their portraits painted. It was their Sunday Best. Since those portraits are the only things we have to do on regarding their appearance (at least visually), the image has stuck. It's kinda like thinking women in 20th century America always wore poofy gowns and lacquered fancy hairstyles, based on only having their prom pictures to go on.
ReplySo the raptors had feathers...I can live with that. Were they still insanely fast and smart? Because if they were it wouldn't matter in the least if they had feathers they'd still be terrifying as all else.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHonestly, I think the feathers would make them even MORE terrifying. Kinda like clowns - the bright colors just turn them into nightmares.
Velociraptors were also turkey sized and couldnt take an Ankylosaur from the underside, Utahraptors and Deinonychus were scary however.
Actually, even those were likely feathered since the most basal were feathered creatures that could glide (if not actually fly).
Also add: Witch-hunts. While most of us picture the Medievals in the Dark Ages as burning people for having funny peckles in their skin, Witch-hunting didn't happen until the late 1400s. ANTI-WITCH-HUNTING laws from the Frankish Empire as far back as the 700s banned witch-hunting on the pain of death. It became popular again after Innocent VIII tried to use a famine in Germany to rile up a witch craze to cover up the fact he had an illegitimate son before becoming pope. Keep that in mind, most Popes have them after. And once innocent VIII died, his pal Heinrich Kramer and his work the Malleus maleficarum was anathemized by the Inquisition and actually rejected by the Catholic hierarchy. Which explains why Spain and Italy were free from Witch hunts due to an Inquisition which would call bullshit everytime you called someone a witch; While Protestant Churches were the ones lighting up bonfires for witches, usually the poor folk and neighborhood enemies while the whole tow was high on ergot disease.
ReplyBefore Innocent and his ridiculous witch-fetish, the Church actually frowned on the belief in witches. They said anyone who thought such things were real were just sadly deluded.
Considering there are Pyramids left all over the world - pretty much 1/ancient civalization...and now new ones being discovered, I believe these were more or less flight path markers...for our Ancestors - regardless of how they went down in history. Especially if they lit up off the distant sun at night. Makes perfect sense. Fun Fact: Japanese pyramids beging dated 13,000 yrs old would suggest that even Egyptian/Sumerian/Grecian etc or basically 'Adam's Race of civilazations are're-plants'. Haha. And the Big Bang theory - I just read somewhere that an astrophysicist calculated the expansion process from the point of origin: From it to where we are now, in time/space/terrasect, it took 6 days to get here but to travel back to said point would take about 2 billion light years. (On account of the velocity, densitiy of hypereneger on the 'bang' part and the slowing process of expansion and wave freqency. Again, somehow makes perfect sense! At least the bibly didn't screw-I mean, SKEW that fact up! ;)' ♥
Replydude, your nerd is showing...
Considering there are Pyramids left all over the world - pretty much 1/ancient civalization...and now new ones being discovered all over the world, I believe these were more or less flight path markers...for our Ancestors - regardless of how they went down in history. Especially if they lit up off the distant sun at night. Makes perfect sense. Fun Fact: Japanese pyramids beging dated 13,000 yrs old would suggest that even Egyptian/Sumerian/Grecian etc or basically 'Adam's Race of civilazations are possible 're-plants'. Haha.
Reply