The 5 Most Statistically Full of Shit National Stereotypes
Stereotypes exist for a reason: They help us form opinions about people without all the hassle of getting to know them. Why waste time talking to, say, a Frenchman, when everybody knows they are a bunch of baguette-gobbling, beret-wearing cowards? Russians? Furious, bear-fighting drunkards. Dutch? A nation of burn-out potheads. Canadians? Like Americans, but polite. There! We just saved you years of pointless interaction with foreigners.
...or did we?
#5.
The French are Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys
Where We've Seen It:
The image of the "cowardly Frenchman" has appeared in virtually every media possible, from movies to children's shows and video games, right down to the personal sentiments of Captain America (and he wouldn't lie to you; dishonesty makes Captain America vomit in rage).
Why it's All Bullshit:
Ask Rudyard Kipling, who once famously said about the French: "Their business is war, and they do their business." And boy howdy, a quick glance at France's history shows business is booming:
Since 387 BC, France has fought 168 major wars against such badasses as the Roman Empire, the British Army and the Turkish forces. Their track record isn't too shabby, either: They've won 109, lost 49 and drawn (or as close as you can "draw" a war) 10 times. Professional boxers have been crowned world champions on shittier records than that.
And while it is true that France surrendered to Germany relatively early in WWII, that was only because they hadn't picked themselves up after WWI yet. And WWI (despite being an entire "I" lower) wasn't exactly an anemic playground chickenfight--the French suffered about 5.7 million casualties (the war killed or wounded an incredible 37 million people worldwide).
So yes, the next time around they let the Germans take over officially, but they never actually stopped fighting: the French resistance was one of the most enduring symbols of Nazi opposition in Europe. The resistance was the originator of the archetypal trench coat wearing merchants of bloody death you see in countless action movies and video games today. They blew up bridges, staged daring night raids, slit German throats while generally looking fantastic (if a little ennui-stricken) while doing it.
And not a damn thing's changed since then: France is the most underestimated military force in the world, with the third highest military spending on the planet and an estimated 300 nuclear warheads at their disposal. So basically... we might want to knock off the "coward" talk now, lest we find the impeccably-styled death squads smoking their thin cigarettes on our doorstep.
#4.
Polish People are Idiots
Where We've Seen It:
Countless variations of the "dumb Polack" joke expose the Poles' inability to change a light bulb in a hilarious fashion; the ease with which you can remove one from a tree; and their many tragic screen-door related underwater transport disasters.
Why it's All Bullshit:
IQ tests aren't perfect, but if independent IQ studies repeatedly determine that a country has one of the highest average intelligence quotients in Europe, and if you average a bunch of different national IQ tests together and that country does better than your own, it might be time to scale back all the submarine screen door jokes. Yes, Poland handed America its ass in the IQ department, and if Europe was a high school, Poland would be the resident nerd (which might explain why Germany and Russia made such a habit of taking their lunch money).
But if Poland is so smart, where are all their contributions to humanity--like a better mouse trap, a cure for cancer or maybe a better mousetrap that gives mice cancer? What did they ever do for the scientific community?
Well, in 1543, Nicolaus Copernicus formulated a comprehensive theory that the Sun, not our planet, is in the center of the universe, thus starting the scientific revolution (and giving Earth a self-esteem complex). In the 19th century, they had piano virtuoso Frederic Chopin. Finally, the 20th century saw Marie Curie (a pioneer in the field of radioactivity and the first person in history honored with two Nobel Prizes) born in Poland's capitol of Warsaw.
If that's not enough, without the Poles we probably couldn't have ended WWII when we did: The three smarty-pants mathematicians who broke the Enigma code--a cipher used to code Nazi messages with an estimated 500 trillion combinations--all hailed from Poland. If it wasn't for them, WWII could've easily dragged on for years longer, thereby costing countless lives, ruining even more countries and causing everybody in your precious Call of Duty games to don bell-bottoms.
#3.
The British Have Horrible Teeth
Where We've Seen It:
The Brits get slapped with the horrible mouth-hygiene joke on any number of TV shows: from The Simpsons, to South Park; Family Guy to Austin Powers. The stereotype would have us believe that most Brits, upon being confronted by a toothbrush, respond with polite puzzlement at first, quickly lapsing into mindless panic followed by murderous rage.
Why it's All Bullshit:
We hate to ruin anybody's joke material (especially if you're desperate enough to be hanging onto that cutting edge "British teeth" material) but recent studies suggest that we should retire the bad teeth as Britain's national stereotype of choice (we can probably replace it with much funnier jokes about their oppressive Orwellian state anyway. Your life is not your own; that shit's hilarious!)
A study performed by OECD, an international economic organization, on the state of dental hygiene in developed countries has concluded that the British have the very best teeth in the entire world, with an average of just 0.6 of a tooth decaying per citizen. Not just "not the worst"--the absolute fucking best! That's like routinely mocking the feminine lisp of a guy-pal and finding out he's boned every single girl you know, including your mother (especially your mother). But sadly, because national stereotypes are apparently a zero sum, it turns out Poland has the worst teeth, with an average of almost four rotted teeth per ingenious Polack.
So why does this admittedly lame stereotype even exist? Well, because the idea of "good" teeth differs slightly between the UK and the U.S.--most Brits simply don't find slightly crooked or off-white teeth all that unappealing. They probably fancy you a bit of a poof, actually, wasting perfectly good dosh on teeth whitening 'stead of a warm pint and a hot pigeon pasty. For all you non-British: We think they just called you a pussy, but we can't be sure (we half-suspect they make up good bit of their adorable-sounding slang on the spot).
Japanese guys have beautiful dicks.
ReplyIt's Chinamen that have tiny ones. And sometimes Koreans.
NOT ALL ASIANS ARE THE SAME, GUYS.
Your racism just shown that you're a Japanese. Try harder.
what, no Australia?
ReplyYou forgot Canadian stereotypes!
ReplyWhat? You're not all polite? That's about all Canada really has in stereotypes, and I can't verify if that specific one is really full of s**t or not.
Whatre you talkin aboot there, eh?
"That's like routinely mocking the feminine lisp of a guy-pal and finding out he's boned every single girl you know, including your mother (especially your mother)." Well-played, good sir.
ReplyI really never understood the "British people have bad teeth" thing. Plenty of Americans have bad teeth.
ReplyIt is such a ridiculous stereotype and I have seen people try to insult various British celebs by saying that even though they have obviously perfect teeth. Sure, that is probably more because of how rich they are but can people honestly not find a decent insult to use?
one liter in the United States).
ReplyAlso, I checked out that Wikipedia list of alcohol-consumption per capita by county. Where did you get the mistaken idea that Russia is #23 for alcohol consumption? Russia is #4 overall for alcohol consumption (trailing Moldova, Czech Republic, and Hungary -- much smaller countries, you'll note). Russians consume an average of 16 litres of alcohol per year (compared to only
ReplyBut what about Chinese?
ReplyAnother thing on Polish favour, though minor: My Highschool Math's teahcer, which is part of the IB (International baccalaureate), has PhD in maths, and of course is polish.
Reply...I just wanted to cry in a corner. Ib. Why did you have to mention the worst thing ever on the best website ever. WHY
Second my screaming hatred of you, sir.
HOW DARE YOU BRING UP MEMORIES OF THE IB? HOW DARE YOU!?!
Across the "pond" as the British like to say, we Americans are actually pretty...weird. We like to be plastic, perfect, absolutely GORGEOUS people, while Europeans can accept even the tiniest "flaw" and just let their bodies go with the flow. It's not a big deal, but we make it to be. Crow's feet at 50?! Oh my God, not now!!
ReplyRussia is at 3 times the critical alcoholism level set b the UN, they only classified beer as an alcoholic beverage here about 6 months ago, and school kids as young as 8 drink the stuff like American kids drink mountain dew.
ReplyWhile Vodka consumption is going down (at a slow rate) the consumption of other drinks, like whiskey is increasing at a DRAMATIC rate.
I don't know if anyone has made this comment yet or not, so forgive me if this is redundant, but an interesting side note is that Polack jokes were brought here by the Poles themselves. The Polish love to tell jokes about their version of "hillbillies," and upon emigrating to the U.S., they brought their hillbilly jokes with them.
ReplyGet your facts straight on the amount of alcohol consumption in Russia. Just looking at the recorded amount does not give you the whole picture.
ReplyInterestingly, I actually know a girl who complains that her Japanese lover's wang is tiny. Maybe she's just a b***h, she is my boyfriend's ex, after all.
ReplySolution: Introduce her to your pet squid or anything else that would yell "KRAW!", and see if still thinks of it as an inconvenience.
She complains about one extreme, feed her another extreme, and then ask questions.
"they probably do want to punch those arrogant bears right in their smug faces" - boy, if I had a nickel...
Reply1) If you think the French are cowards watch any documentary about the Legionnaires.
Reply2) Disappointed not to see anything debunking German stereotypes (that they are all Nazis, etc.). Having lived in Deutschland for 7 years, I can say without reservation that the average German cares more about civil rights than most Americans.
3) Unfortunately, having lived in Europe for so long, I've had to put up with negative American stereotypes. So we're not the only ones with some messed-up world views.
1) He just said the French *weren't* cowards.
2) The only people who think Germans are all Nazis are dumbasses.
3) I think what you're trying to say there is that you're an American living in Europe and you're only just realizing there are American stereotypes. In which case, yeah. Every country has stereotypes about other countries.
Since this article was written, Russia went from number 23 to number 5 on the list of countries by alcohol consumption.
ReplyYou mean since they reclassified beer as alcohol rather than food?
We norwegians have a very lighthearted version of stereotyping, we sporadically mock our neighbors, the Swedes. Swedish jokes is commonplace in Norway, an example: "How many swedes do you need to drive a firetruck"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnswer "three, one to drive, one to scream and one to comfort the screamer"
But it's just for fun, they have norwegian jokes themselves, so it's just mutual, light-hearted mocking. Though we do have the saying "The most important isn't to win, but to beat the Swedes"
Sounds like the US/Canada relationship minus the Mounties (they're such easy targets)
Based on your joke, I honestly can't figure out just what the steryotype of the Swedes you have is.
Swedes are...?
Ophanium. Swedish jokes simply depict Swedes as idiots, nuff said.
Great list. I am tired of non thinking idiots saying the same stereotypes over and over again. I haven't heard any Polish jokes since the 80s, but in Hawaii they make Portuguese jokes that are like the Polish ones. Incidentally I am a white woman dating a man from Japan and without a bunch of TMI, I will just say I am very happy with what he has at the love below and leave it at that.
ReplyWhat about "Canadians are stupid" as a stereotype? Because we've got one of the best education systems in the world, with the most people considered "gifted" per capita.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI have never heard this stereotype, in fact in the US I hear just the opposite.
I'm Canadian. People think I'm slow, eeehhhh.
I was about to say that I think Canadians are a bunch of goth teenagers... then I saw maya_lennon's pic and laughed.
Im canadian and I have never heard this either ...
I don't think the stereotype is that Canadians are stupid, I think it's that they're so polite an trusting that they're a bit on the naive side.