8 Customers Everyone Hates

Let's face it: most of the people reading this have had jobs in the service industry. Waiter, barista, the shoe guy at the bowling alley. Everybody does it at one point in their lives. A low point.

After all, no matter how much you love people, dealing with customers still pretty much sucks. Here are the ones that all of us in the customer service brigade have learned to hate:

#8. The Stoner

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Tomato Eyes, Jamaican flags.

Now don't get us wrong; there's nothing wrong with the occasional trip to Stoneyville. If you can keep the fact that you're high as a kite discreet, more power to you. However, once your being stoned out of your gourd interferes with other people's jobs, you've crossed the line. Especially when it handicaps you from making the crucial decision of what you want on your nachos.


"What happens now?"

Enter the Stoner, the guy who has no shame at all for being ripped off his ass. This dude is weaving in and out of reality, absolutely baffled as to how he got into Taco Bell. Now, we understand your situation : You're the hungriest you've ever been in your life, but you're also, in your condition, borderline useless. Unless you've planned ahead (you didn't) you'll have to make a monetary transaction involving you and another human being.

But it's not like the extraordinarily complicated system of menu-order-wallet-money changes once you've decided to puff the magic dragon. This is something you've been doing on a daily basis for a good part of your life.


"I'd like eleven hundred tacos. And then eight tacos. Please."

Come on guys, either wait until after you've got your food to smoke, or get a grip for the 30 seconds it takes to order a churro.

Suitable Punishment in Hell:

Being constantly stoned out of their minds. While this may not seem like much of a punishment, they will then be made to solve riddles, with each wrong answer resulting in a swift kick to the nuts.

#7. The Soapbox (a.k.a Captain Linger)

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Having no company, reeking of desperation.

Some people have no friends, no one they can chitchat with about the stupid things that they can both relate to. To remedy this problem, some of these people go out and actually make friends. Others simply go to their local coffee shop to talk to strangers working behind a counter, people who don't know/care who you are and are literally forced to listen to you in order to earn a paycheck.


"I'd like to tell you about all my feelings."

Taking full advantage of their captive audience, the Soapbox will proceed to bore you to tears about uninteresting details from their day, their iguana's ailing health and their arsenal of closed-minded opinions and politically incorrect jokes that you have to chuckle at because your boss is standing right next to you.

They will then linger for the next twenty to thirty minutes, talking to you while you're helping other people, trying to hide your waning interest in whatever the hell they were talking about. Sorry dude, but there's a difference between making small talk and forcing someone to listen to your nonsense. Lingerers, as a rule, have not yet discovered the Internet and blogging.


This will absolutely change your life.

Suitable Punishment in Hell:

Chihuahuas grafted to each shoulder, constantly barking in their ears, with no possible escape.

#6. The Anchor

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Dust forming on shoulders.

Ah yes, the sweet victory of coming to the end of a long line. It took forever to finally get there, so what do you do now? Do you make sure that you finish whatever it is you've been standing in line for quickly and efficiently, out of consideration for those that are in your former predicament?

Fuck no! You lay anchor! That means your job is to waste your time and everyone else's, savoring the moment by asking pointless questions, making brilliant insights ("I'll tell ya, I was just standing in line") and commenting on how the place is run ("What you've got is an inefficient floor plan"). The Anchor is also the master of not taking no for an answer. They refuse to believe that the person helping them isn't just arbitrarily withholding the answer they're looking for.


"I know it's not on the menu, but can I have a functioning motorcycle?"

The logic is that if they ask a question that cannot be answered enough times, the answer will magically conjure in the clerk's mind, or that the out of stock product will magically appear.

"Do you still have the eggnog milkshakes?"
"No, that's just for the holidays. It's June."
"Really? Are you sure?"
"Quite sure."
"Because I could really go for an eggnog milkshake right now."


"It's just I'm craving eggnog, so...you know. Are you sure?"

The Anchor is most commonly found at information kiosks and anywhere you can ask a virtually endless amount of questions, multiple times. Think the old Jewish lady from Harvey Pekar's American Splendor, or any middle-aged businessman who's taken one too many leadership seminars.

Suitable Punishment in Hell:

Being reincarnated as an actual anchor.

#5. The Micromanager

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Neurotic behaviors, darting eyes.

You will encounter this customer if you work any place where your work area is visible to the public (i.e. a coffee shop, bar, deli, Subway). This sort of environment is supposed to reassure the customer of the care that is going into their product, and is not meant to be an open invitation to critique sandwich making abilities.

The Micromanager has zero faith in your sandwich-mastery and isn't the least bit shy about expressing this verbally. It doesn't matter that this is your job and that after working here for the last couple years you kind of got the hang of how to spread mustard. The Micromanger is with you every step of the way; telling you how many pickles make the best sandwich and why its way better to cut it diagonally.

If you're going to be involved with every single factor of making something, why not just make it yourself? In fact, if the managers were all that smart, they'd hire this guy as the human equivalent of a training video.


"When you cut the tomatoes, whisper to them."

Suitable Punishment in Hell:

Spending the rest of eternity in a cell with their in-laws, where their every action will be criticized.

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