5 Terrible Life Lessons Hollywood Loves to Teach You
Hollywood goes with what works and, let's face it, there are a few things audiences like to see again and again in their movies. The underdog wins big, the loser gets his dream girl, Batman is awesome, etc.
But there are some themes that are either so wrong, stupid or harmful that they need to be retired once and for all. Such as ...
#5.
Technology is Dangerous and Will Eventually Destroy Us
As Seen In:
2001: A Space Odyssey, War Games, Terminator, A.I., The Matrix, I, Robot
Why They Do It:
Deep down, we're all scared of change and, by extension, technology. In the '40s and '50s, the boogie man was atomic energy--in those old monster movies, it was always some kind of atomic accident that started it all. By the '80s, Hollywood needed something shiny and new for people to fear. And low and behold, there were these newfangled things called computers showing up everywhere, and most people were made nervous by the way the inanimate boxes seemed to be able to outsmart them.
Starting wars on a rudimentary home computer is both fun and EASY!
Writers played off that fear, telling audiences that as computers get faster and stranger, it is only a matter of time before one of these things pulls an Asimov and becomes self-aware. And when they do ... watch out.
So What's the Problem?
Keep in mind, none of these cautionary movies are based on real dangers. They're not talking about the difficulties in adapting the labor market to sudden improvements in automation, or the challenges of educating children who know computers better than you. Mainly because that film would be approximately as exciting as watching sloths fuck.
The original plot for The Matrix.
No, to drum up the fear, they've always had to invent a danger: "With a few keystrokes a team of hackers can blow up your house! Once computers get smart enough, they'll become sentient and start hating us! Robots will eventually cause the extinction of mankind!" And so on.
The whole idea is to play off people's ignorance on the subject. And people give them a lot to work with.
Will They Ever Stop?
It won't be long before the entire theater will be full of people who were raised with computers, and won't be all that scared of them. But that's OK--all that'll change is screenwriters will find new targets.
Soon you'll have less talk of a robot apocalypse, and more talk of a nanotechnology apocalypse, or a worldwide disaster caused by genetic engineering. As long as it's new and weird and unfamiliar, Hollywood scriptwriters will figure out a way to make it bring about the end of the world.
#4.
You Don't Have to Take Any Initiative in Your Life, Because You Have a Hidden Talent
As Seen In:
Star Wars Episode I, IV, The Matrix, Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, Wanted, 90 Percent of All Fantasy Films
Why They Do It:
Because your mom did it. No, seriously. When you were a kid, didn't your mother--along with every teacher in elementary school--sit you down and say you could be anything you wanted when you grew up? Making most of us think that by age 20 we'd be video game programmers by day and champions of the Ultimate Fighting circuit by night?
These films are the ultimate wish fulfillment. See, life isn't really all that hard! It just seems hard, because you haven't discovered the hidden talent that will make you special!
It's the embodiment of all our daydreams. Well, not the naked ones necessarily.
So What's the Problem?
Of course, the reason people like to think about being a Jedi or a Wizard is that it's not something they have to work for, it's just encoded into their DNA that they'll have the ability to do kick-ass things at the drop of a hat. A hat that you will be able to catch and then kill someone with.
But it doesn't appeal to our optimism, it appeals to our laziness.
You if you could afford better beer.
Luke became a Jedi master over a couple of training montages. Neo just had to do a direct brain download to become a kung fu machine. Harry Potter showed up at high school and found out he was fucking awesome at a sport he'd never even played before.
In reality we grew up and found out that if we wanted to be amazing at something, we had to practice so much that all the enjoyment dried up under the tedium. It's no wonder that by our 20s, so many of us wind up depressed, jobless and drunk (OK, we'd still get drunk if we could use the force, but it would involve a lot less brooding and much more car throwing).
Will They Ever Stop?
As long as there is film, or novels, or any entertainment media at all, there will be these stories. Nobody wants to walk out of a movie with the feeling that they should buckle down and spend more time at the office.
I guess I'm good at swords now.
No, we'll be seeing these movies right up until we're sitting in a shitty retirement complex, wondering why the hell Morpheus never showed up to rescue us from it all.
#3.
Corporations Exist Only to Create Evil
As Seen In:
Wall-E, Iron Man, Erin Brockovich, Robocop, John Grisham's The Rainmaker and Runaway Jury and The Firm, Wall Street, Tank Girl, Fight Club, Michael Clayton, countless others
Why They Do It:
Getting an audience to hate a corporation is like shooting really slow fat fish in a really small, well lit barrel that you're standing over with a laser scoped machine gun. Everybody's gotten screwed by a big, uncaring company at some point, either by getting put on indefinite hold by customer support, or by getting downsized, or by installing Windows Vista.
In the old days, it was always a tyrannical government who was going to take over and ruin the world--see Darth Vader and the Empire. But for the last couple of decades, in movies from Robocop to Wall-E, it's been all huge unfeeling corporations.
So What's the Problem?
We can already see the comments: How dare we suggest that some corporations might not be evil! And on the internet no less! But think about it this way. Each and every one of these films are made by a corporation every bit as huge and unfeeling as the ones being portrayed in the movies (and the Walt Disney corporation could crush all of them like a grape). There's almost something condescending about the way enormous companies are willing to cast themselves as the villains, knowing we'll give them more of our money to watch it.
Above: Current CEO of Disney
But besides that, there's the laughable over-simplification. The big corporations in movies aren't made up of hundreds or thousands of people from every walk of life trying to live the American dream. No, they're evil, sadistic spirits that gained physical form by eating poor children and tricking old people out of their retirement funds. Even the evil corporations in most "serious" films are about as complicated as the cartoon villains from Captain Planet. Why do they cut down trees? Because fuck those trees, that's why.
So it winds up being just like the technology scare-mongering. It's not making us afraid of real corporate shenanigans (shady bookkeeping, closing factories and moving jobs to offshore sweatshops) but instead showing evil old guys in shadowy offices hiring hit men to silence whistle-blowers.
Will They Ever Stop?
More Globalization means bigger business and bigger scandals, so it's almost certain that corporations will continue to realize there is huge profit to be made with movies that demonize corporations like themselves. Presumable they'll do it while lighting hundred dollar cigars with your pension money. That's just good business.
#4 is a lulz-takeaway, but a humorous point.
ReplyAs to #3, it's based on fact. A LOT of major corporations are involved in some slimy shit. Not to mention that studies have shown that people with sociopathic tendencies are more likely to get promoted, so it's unsurprising that the people running them could literally be evil.
#2 is hilariously true.
#1 is sorta truth in life since a lot of the most dominant sports teams people love to see lose.
In response to #4, in the Chronicles of Narnia the children don't possess any hidden talent. They fall into a world where they are seen by others as an answer to a prophecy. From there, they train. They don't just know how to use a bow, a sword, or how to kick ass. They train with the rest of frickin Narnia at a huge camp so they can fight.
ReplyIn response to #3, Erin Brockovich is based on a true story. There was a real freaking corporation that did that to people.
In response to #1, not everyone wins. I have never even seen any of the Rocky movies and know that he doesn't always win.
So in response to this article, maybe you should check your sources better before you use them to validate your points.
Okay corporations are evil or at least amoral. Also who wants to see a movie about the underdog losing to the more powerful opponent? Oh the movie is about the more powerful person/team winning just like they were supposed too? Additionally Rocky trained for a hell of a lot longer then a week (and lost the first fight to Apollo Creed).
ReplyWhile "Wanted" was everything I could want in an action, gun toting, stare-at-the-hot-actress movie, I could just NOT get over the fact that a wimpy office drone manages to turn his nearly fatal medical condition into a gift from God and become a world class assassin in under a week just because Morgan Freeman told him he could. I'm pretty sure that's NOT how hardened killers are introduced into the world.
ReplyRocky lost his title fight after 6 months training and years and years of boxing experience. Idiot.
ReplyCorporations are evil.
ReplyThe idea that the protagonist has to be underdog is so prevalent that even movies that are about athletes or teams that dominated their sports, the filmmakers try to make them underdog stories. For example, Secretariat in which the title horse was such a huge favorite in the final race that half the field scratched, and The Final Season, which follows the last season of the Norway, Iowa high school baseball team, which had won 20 state championships in 25 years.
ReplyIn #5 you refer to "pulling an Asimov". Asimov hated this convention as much as you do and his robot stories were create in reaction to all of the fear of technology stories that dominated early science fiction. He called in "Frankenstein syndrome". It should be noted that the first sentient robot in Asimov's stories not only doesn't destroy humanity, he helps them colonize the galaxy and manipulates events so that androids disappear from the scene altogether.
Asimov's entire point was that technology is a tool no better or worse than the people using it.
Now I know why all those f*****g idiot cunts hate on my art work...
ReplyIt's cause I spent YEARS getting to be this s****y at it, and they are full of hatred over it.
Thank you Cracked...
You've brought meaning to my Life again.
they hate on your artwork because it sucks. You even admitted it yourself. Stop bitching, cockweasel
I remember Speed 2 had Sandra Bullock's character mention how she was in a relationship with someone else previously (Original Speed) and said it didn't work out because it was based on a tense moment. Must be the only movie to actually subvert love conquers all.
Replywait wait wait WAIT! so the corporations AREN'T evil? whoops...
Reply(discardes molotov cocktail)
Totally agree with, well, all five of these. But I ESPECIALLY agree with #1. Not only because of how predictable and overdone it is, but also because in many cases it's done completely wrong.
ReplyThe Karate Kid worked, because Daniel was a character we could root for even if he weren't the underdog. He was smart and sensitive but also strong-willed and naturally tough. He didn't have an oddball personality, nor was he painted as a pathetic wimp we'd feel sorry for. He was a good guy who unfortunately happened to get caught up with all these bullies in his new town. So, naturally, we rooted for him.
But then you have, for example, movies like The Mighty Ducks and The Little Giants, where the protagonists are (to paraphrase this article) underachieving slobs with oddball personalities that we'd probably find ANNOYING if we met them in real life. And the only reason we're rooting for them is because the team they're going up against is a band of arrogant jerkasses. So, basically, we're not actually rooting for the underdogs themselves so much as we're just rooting for the other team to get its come-uppance somehow. Thus, those movies didn't work as well.
tl;dr
I was surprised to see a picture from Moulin Rouge up there, in that movie love definitely does not conquer all, the heroine dies and the hero is left alone, heart broken, and miserable. Sad, but refreshing.
Replyrocky wasnt training for a couple weeks he had been training for months and had actually been in boxing for years before hand. daniel from karate kid was training for months not just a couple weeks but a good 5 or 6 months and if you thank no one can train a few months and come out and beat someone far superior in skill and experience your wrong since many combat sports are full of people like that such as brock lesner who training in mma for litterly like 6 months before coming into the ufc or what about black belt hall of famer joe luis who recieved his black belt in 6 months and became full contact karate champion
ReplyYou're gonna need a montage...
I once watched a review by "ConfusedMatthew" for Romeo and Juliet. He said that in school he cynically called those two famous lovers' relationship a fraud because surely if they'd lived, they would've broken up at some point. His teacher told him that that didn't matter. It didn't make their love any less meaningful or real.
ReplyCracked seems to be making the argument that if something doesn't or can't last for decades, if it's not "practical" or whatever, then it's not real or shouldn't be celebrated. Not celebrated in our entertainment and perhaps even in real life. I disagree. The fleeting sparks are what makes life worth living.
Oh, it's fun and all, but major life decisions shouldn't be based around a fleeting, if strong, love. But to each their own. Some people prefer many passionate, but short love affairs, while some prefer a life long, but more mild sort of companionship.
Say what you want, but to quote GoldFashioned below me, Love can conquere the s**t out of some wallets.
ReplyIn Wall-E, the corporation isn't the bad guys, they just thought that the Earth would never recover, and told the autopilot to take over and not come back. Then I guess it went rogue (Should have been in 5) because there is no way they programmed a f*****g AUTOPILOT to be a cruel asshole.
ReplyI wouldn't be surprised if nanotechnology becomes the next common "movie tech villian" in #5.
ReplyAnd in #1, the underdogs' opposites often are portrayed having bad character traits, like being assholes or something. It makes it easier for audiences to root for the underdogs without feeling like they're being jealous douches.
In Driven with Sly the underdog doesn't win. At the end everyone becomes good friends and drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol for people whose profession is driving.
The underdog lost in Rocky. It's wasn't until Rocky II that Stallone started winning.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesno he didnt lose in rocky it ended in a draw because both rocky and appollo got knocked out be eachother
wrong! rocky loses on points.
Rocky loses a split decision to Apollo Creed in Rocky, it is not a "tie."
I definitely have to agree with this article. Im still hoping hagrid is going to show up, or better yet hermione.
ReplyOne thing you didn't mention is that sometimes the underdogs are evil.
ReplyRacist groups, far right wing groups, far left wing groups, those fringe feminists that really have it in for men. Those are all underdogs.
Hell terrorist groups are underdogs and so were school shooters who snapped under bullying.