Register
Home > History > 2007: Seven Things We Should Pretend Never Happened

2007: Seven Things We Should Pretend Never Happened

By Daniel O'Brien, David Wong, Jack O'Brien December 27, 2007 1,384,727 views
article image

So many memorable things happened in 2007. We'd better start hiding the evidence now.

Seriously, there's a whole lot of shit that went on this year that we'd rather not have to explain to our children and grandchildren. Let's do our best to destroy every record of it. If that fails and if you're, in fact, reading this in the year 2107, we'll do our best to put it into context. But, really, you had to be there.

#7.
Huddled Masses Lining Up for Bullshit

The biggest shortage in 2007 was shortages. In this part of the world, there was so much food and clothes and stuff stacked around us that we weren't really short on anything. This was a terrible source of frustration for us, because it turns out shortages are kind of necessary. They gave us a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

The whole phenomenon was made worse by a wave of adults who were raised in the 80's. Movies like The Road Warrior and Terminator had promised us that by the time we grew up, we'd be living in the aftermath of a nuclear apocalypse, tear-assing around a wasteland wearing leather and firing huge guns at each other, while fighting over precious food and gasoline. Shortages, in other words, were going to give us a blank check to act awesome.

None of that happened and, by 2007, shortage shortages were reaching desperate levels.

iPhone

In June, Apple released a phone that was the same as other phones, except instead of pushing buttons to make it work, you rubbed your finger around the screen. Astonished by this life-changing invention, masses of desperate Americans took to the streets, braving the elements and camping out on sidewalks, clinging to the hope that they may finally escape the tyranny of their cruel, buttoned phones.

These people needed purpose in their lives, and for that one morning, their purpose was to get a fucking iPhone even if it meant sitting on the sidewalk all night in front of the Apple store.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

In July, fans ranging from age 10 to pedophile lined up at bookstores around the world for the midnight release of the seventh and final Harry Potter book. Unlike the iPhone, there were in fact no shortages of the book and everyone involved knew that stacks of them would be available in every single retail outlet and grocery store in the free world the next day, and for the foreseeable future. No, these lines were purely so that the fans could find out Harry's fate that night, rather than getting a good night's sleep and picking it up the next day.

Here was a line, not for the chance to have the desired object, but only to have it a few hours sooner than their friends, so that they would be first to know that (SPOILER) the good guys win and everything turns out OK (END SPOILER).

Nintendo Wii

In November and December, the Christmas shopping season arrived, a holiday when the Western world celebrates the birth of free-market capitalism. These days, the most important part of the ceremony is declaring one gift to be the "hot" gift of the season and swarming over it like a school of piranha skeletonizing a cow.

The object of the frenzy is usually some mildly amusing toy that the manufacturer has failed to make enough of. In 2007, for the second year in a row, this was the Nintendo Wii. The Wii was an innovation over previous game consoles much in the same way the iPhone was an innovation over previous phones. Instead of pushing the buttons on the controller to play the game, the user shook the controller like a maraca.

This innovation set the bullshit-buying public aflame, clawing and scratching each other for a spot in line at their local Best Buy, and paying grossly inflated prices on eBay.

These buyers typically had two or three older game systems sitting unused in the closet, which is where the every single Wii was destined to wind up in just a few years when the cycle would begin again.

Let's just leave this one out of the history books, OK? Along with ...

Recommended for Your Pleasure

277 Comments

The tase guy acted like he was the f*****g king of deausheland, but if you think about it, he just gaot arrested for asking a question. That's kind of scary. Even if you can't help but cheer when he starts screaming.

5/13/2009 4:16:21 PM
TheLordOfDance

This is the most insightful article I've read this month.

3/30/2009 10:26:35 PM
smellyhippie

The "Don't Tase Me Bro" dude should have said: "I'll squeal like a pig for you!" or "I'll tell my mommy on you!" or even "Free donuts across the street at Krusty Kreme!"

3/22/2009 1:53:37 PM
thunderguppy

Now that I look back, I drank more heavily in 2007 than I did in any other year. Thankfully, I feel a lot better now.

3/5/2009 2:29:37 PM
Sophmore

The Detroit Lions had a 0 - 16 season. The Patriots had a 18 - 1 season. Which record is a lot more respectable? Gotta go with Detroit on this one. That plus their coach doesn't look or sound like a smirking James Bond villain.

2/27/2009 4:04:49 PM
Truthiness

The PS3 thing was the biggest bullshit of 2007, next to the instant Wii craze. Mainly because before both systems came out, due to the hype, many genuinely hated the Wii (for lack of HD support and the obvious name change from Revolution) and people were praising the PS3.

Specifically because as many owners were pissed with the 360s constantly malfunctioning after four hours of gameplay, they wanted something else.

And it could play Blu-Ray. That is, until Sony dropped the bomb: $600 bullshit price tag, and the fact the less-expensive version wasn't backwards compatible.

Whereas the Wii offered something to the nostalgia buffs and it took off like hotcakes.

But yeah, 2007 was a s****y year, what can I say?

2/15/2009 3:21:20 PM
Fangarius

the only thing that was against the don't taze me bro guy was that he was not black...

12/27/2008 11:46:56 PM
ELFfromToronto

What happened to the guy and the cop from "Well-Placed Liberal Paranoia"? The guy must have sued the cops ass off?

12/9/2008 8:48:45 AM
Slusk

"[They] went over like a wet fart in a sauna"
f*****g brilliant! I almost fell off my chair laughing when I read that!!

12/5/2008 8:25:52 AM
Darkmage

The dont tase me bro guy totally dropped the ball! Monty Python quotes were perfect for that situation! instead of "dont tase me bro!" I wouldve shouted "Help, help i'm being repressed!"

12/2/2008 6:10:03 PM
thedrazz

I am so glad 2007 is a drunken blur for me.

11/25/2008 5:35:18 AM
chicoboy

i seriously just waited a day after harry potter walked out and walked into a random drug store where they had 10 stacks of harry potter and i bought it

10/11/2008 10:04:06 PM
Mr.Lumberjack

Yeah, on this one I just wanted to say that it's nice to see a photo of the big naked leader guy from The Road Warrior again. I haven't seen that dude since I was like eight. And I'm definitely not physically attracted to his butt in any significant way; it's just one of those nostalgia things, you know? The musical score for that movie was GENIUS!--just one note repeated over and over again in the action sequences, ree ree ree ree, ree ree ree ree, like a hundred and twenty minutes of the shower scene from Psycho. Come to think of it, Batman Begins did the same thing except that they had like three notes. That's progress, baby. That's progress.

9/14/2008 7:06:45 PM
ardmore

If only Amy Winehouse could understand how much I truly respect her as a human being. She wouldn't require drugs or attention any more.

9/6/2008 6:24:30 AM
doctordig

The 'Dont tase me bro' guy should win some kind of award on his own. Pure comedy.

9/3/2008 10:59:21 AM
purple

Yeah, PS3 does suck. Compare its sales to the Wii or DS sales (or the DS minus the Wii sales).

8/23/2008 11:07:17 AM
TehJoker

Haha PS3 sucks eh? well compare the market sales to the xbox360 to that of the ps3. and blu-ray won of 360's crappy hd-dvd so why enven bother saying its better?

8/20/2008 11:51:08 PM
Sonicsceam2

I don't care who you are, getting tazered is alot safer than getting your ass beat by a nightstick for being an a*****e. Only hurts when the juice is on.

8/20/2008 12:32:28 AM
Lampshade

Oh man that Chuck/Huckabee ad was like a kick in the balls.

8/16/2008 6:09:06 PM
Gegel

Sexy people don't have children, Seij, that's not how it works. Gah, don't you know ANYTHING?!

8/6/2008 12:09:39 PM
Jonathan_Goss

More on History

Fark Logo
Recent Videos

Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.