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The 5 Most Kick-Ass Apocalyptic Prophecies

By Gavin Fyhrie September 19, 2007 909,463 views
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There are a lot of apocalyptic scenarios looming out there, in various religious sects in the nooks and crannies of history. Though the scenarios are wildly different in method, you can rest assured that most will leave us all equally dead.

While we can't know which one is actually going to happen, here are the ones we're rooting for, along with the heavy metal album cover each most resembles.

#5.
Judgment Day

Source: Christian New Testament

What to watch for:
Four guys on a multicolored assortment of horses will charge across the world, spreading War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. In other words, things will look exactly like they do now, so you'll need to actually see the horses to know something is up.

What comes next:
Few denominations can agree on what happens, and when. The basic idea is that while we all play "Spot the Antichrist" amid tornadoes and earthquakes, pretty much every comet in the universe hits Earth, turning the rivers and seas to poison blood. Mankind fights a gargantuan war involving 200 million soldiers. Then, invincible scorpion locusts swarm across the land, stinging the crap out of everyone who hasn't been marked by God.

Satan walks the Earth. Then, after a period of time somewhere between seven to 1,000 years, Jesus returns with tears of love in his eyes, and gives everyone a pass to Heaven.

Ha, no, we were kidding. The Good Shepherd divides the survivors into "sheep" and "goats." Guess which group spends an eternity in everlasting fire.

Can you survive it?
The Christian apocalypse is tricky. Some sects say the believers will be sucked off Earth before any of the most terrible stuff happens, leaving the other 99 percent of humanity to suffer the millennium of unspeakable horrors. Others think the believers will be left to do battle with Satan' hordes along with the rest of the godless heathens.

Luckily, according to the Bible, all this can only come when no one is expecting it. So we're safe for now, thanks to this article.

A heavy metal album cover for reference:
Iron Maiden - The Number of the Beast

Rating:
Seven separate seals, trumpets, thunders and judgments, including war and disease and meteors and monsters ... at times the author seemed to be spinning the Wheel O' Disaster to see what kind of horror would strike the world next. It's all over the place and honestly, it just feels like piling on. We give it a 4/10.

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124 Comments

Well dammit...even if they offer me the job in Utah, I can't move now that I know Arizona is the safe haven of the Hopi apocalypse.

Maybe it's 'safe' because we'll all be too busy getting drunk on the res to notice all the world-ending stuff happening around us.

4/28/2009 10:38:25 AM
ultra_violet

Fimbulwinter (the forerunner of Ragnarök-and-roll) isn't so much three seasons of winter, as it is three years of solid winter...

Otherwise, surprisingly accurate portrayal for a comedy piece! Duuude!

4/27/2009 5:38:45 AM
smparadox

Awesome, I can't wait!

4/9/2009 12:41:41 PM
Archprophet

HA! I knew Ragnarok would win. However, the gods don't fight each other, they fight the Jotnar (Giants).

3/31/2009 12:01:36 PM
Feltrain

anybody click on that "December 21, 2012" ad??

I stopped reading as soon as John Edwards name came up, which was the first sentence. lol

3/24/2009 2:29:30 PM
4thSurvivor

Yay for Arizona. We're not all going to die. Yay

3/21/2009 9:29:38 PM
mantaray95

WHOA!....yup...I need to change my shorts.....Excuse meH....

3/19/2009 8:37:57 AM
LosMuertos

3 seasons of winter? do they mean central new york?

3/19/2009 8:31:48 AM
all1mlos1ng1sme

i'm safe
i live in arizona

3/18/2009 8:02:09 PM
vadetatimus

Tyr is a great band and their covers are epic. It's a pity they don't get a lot of notice.

3/17/2009 3:24:02 PM
Janus

album cover for #1... hmm...

I'm surprised Ragnarok by Tyr wasn't on there...

2/25/2009 10:35:39 AM
grizzedram

My sword would bite deep.

2/17/2009 6:22:00 PM
cujo131

Ragnarok I could handle. If the world has to end, I can't think of a more fullfilling way to go than swinging an axe at an ice giant (possibly with Thor fighting right alongside me). Obviously, the afterlife would no longer be existant, so that rules out seeing any instant replays of my death afterwards, but still, anybody who happened to be present (again, possibly Thor) would be all like, "Woooooaaaah," and then they'd get angry and fight even harder. Best. Apocalypse. Ever.

2/13/2009 11:27:36 PM
davehead3

Ack, I meant #4. I'm not christian, I don't wanna get eaten by Satan. :[

2/10/2009 10:31:03 AM
Nikacho

#5 actually sounds cool. Kick-ass moment, nice ending! Woot!

2/10/2009 10:28:40 AM
Nikacho

Or, you know, Týr's album Ragnarok, seeing as it's about, well, Ragnarok. More accurately, the events that led up to it. Still a lot more applicable than Dragonforce though.

2/7/2009 8:33:28 PM
RecycledViking

Another kick-ass album cover for Ragnarok is Twilight of the Thunder God by Amon Amarth

2/6/2009 12:16:58 PM
iowawarlock

Hey! It's the dragon from the 3DMark software.

2/4/2009 5:14:43 PM
j03808

3 season long winter... I live in Winnipeg. We are fucked. :(

2/4/2009 10:54:46 AM
Demoness

arizona

1/8/2009 1:41:37 AM
samanthaninja

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