Guy's two biggest contributions to Food Network are Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives and Guy's Grocery Games. His contributions to culture are boundless in the way the Hulk's rage is boundless. You don't really want to know where the limits are. Suffice it to say that he added "donkey sauce" to the lexicon, and every time you hear it, you should recite Roy Batty's speech about tears in rain from Blade Runner in your head.
"I've tasted flavors you people wouldn't believe. Mountain-Dew-and-Taco Bell-fire-sauce-glazed pork shoulder of Orlando. I watched sashimi nachos glitter in the dark at my Las Vegas restaurant. All those bold flavors will be lost in time, like Jack Daniels sriracha dipping sauce ... in ... rain. Time to dine."
If you've somehow missed out, Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives -- or Triple D, as only Guy Fieri calls it -- is a show in which Fieri gets fed by strangers around the country, and we watch it happen with a detached sort of moral and spiritual dread. Maybe this week he'll eat Grammy's Famous Bacon, Lobster, and Vermouth Mac 'N' Cheese from Grammy Slim's in Butte! Next week it's off to Gatorminge, Florida for a steak the size of your face and some home-brewed ginger beer. Nothing else happens. Guy Fieri just eats all this fucking food, then pauses to ask other people eating the food if they like it, and Shyamalan twist! They always do. They have filmed 5,000 episodes of this show. It's like the most disgraceful version of fantasy football ever -- fantasy dinner -- but you can't even bet on it with friends. It's so very sad.
Silver lining: If he modifies that car to run on grease, he'll be able to reuse the stuff they take out of his heart during his eventual quadruple bypass.
Guy's Grocery Games is, as you may have guessed, a much more game-show-themed debacle. Guy makes other cooks perform a series of silly-ass tasks in order to pull together ingredients from a grocery store, which they will then use to make a meal for the judges. It's a spiritually depressing melange of The Price Is Right and a soup kitchen run by a demonic clown.
Food Network's mix of sex, barf-inducing food, and goofy games hosted by goofier people shouldn't really work. Yet it does. The answer is clearly devilry.
Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: To get there you'd have to cross a bridge, sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy. If you fell off, you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael, along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi, and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here, and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!
Check out why you've never actually tried a carrot in Why You've Never Really Tasted Your 6 Favorite Foods and see the horrors of food delivery in 5 Ways Delivering Food Is Like Living in a Tarantino Movie.
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