A young lawyer by the name of John Harker arrives at a remote castle in the Carpathian Mountain. The castle's owner, Dracula, has recently died and Harker must enforce his final wishes: to find honorable or at least wealthy husbands for all of the dead count's daughters. As Harker begins to fill the castle with love, he finds himself falling for Dracula's most modest daughter, Mina. Unfortunately, she has eyes for notorious ladies man Darcy Van Helsing. As Harker and Darcy vie for Mina's affections, Transylvanian local R. M. Renfield is awfully polite about many things.

Beowulf, the hero of the Geats, travels to prove his strength amongst the Danes, but finds literally no opportunity to impress anybody. Through a series of very civil walks, he meets a prim and proper clergyman, Mr. Grendel. They engage in a duel of wits to win the heart of primmer and properer lady Elizabeth Darcy. Beowulf wins, and I guess this proves his strength (of character).

Victor Frankenstein, a scientist of questionable knowledge and skill, has always been fascinated by the natural wonders of the world. After his mother's unfortunate death, he becomes obsessed with galvanism and other foolhardy sciences. In a desperate attempt to imbue the inanimate with life, he digs up the corpse of his old mentor Dr. Darcy for a risky experiment. He goes to jail quickly thereafter.

After being absent for many years, Lemuel Gulliver arrives home to his family, and he describes nothing of interest. Everyone is really happy that Gulliver's home. Except his wife, of course, who is now a dude. Gulliver and the newly menhanced Mr. Fitzwilliam Gulliver quickly get divorced. Gulliver stops being happy he's home.

Dr. Henry Jekyll is a scientist and generally nice guy working in the beverage industry. He invents a delicious new drink called Mountain Darcy. Unfortunately, he never has a successful romantic relationship because of his mild anger issues. He is quite wealthy from his famous drink, though, so he gets a lot of well-mannered p***y.

After being absent for ten years, Greek hero Odysseus sets sail for home after the Trojan War. On his long journey, he and his comrades mostly play cards. At one point they stop at an island to gather more food and water, quite successfully. They celebrate their success on the ship by eating some of the food they gathered and drinking some of the water they got. They play more cards and reminisce about their time gathering food and water on that one island from earlier, particularly about watching the island fancyman Mr. Darscylla politely court his love Charybdabeth. They play more cards and Odysseus arrives home. Everyone's like "Oh" and the characters eventually die, just like everyone eventually dies.