Now, I accept that some of you reading this maybe think I'm not funny. That's cool, I respect your opinion. It's completely incorrect and we can have a goddamn comedy-off in the parking lot if you want to settle this shit like an old-time duel. But still, you're entitled to be laughably incorrect just like anyone else.
And now that we have that disclaimer out of the way, let's move on to the real point... being a perpetually teased fat kid made me funny. It's pretty simple, really. I had a limited number of choices when faced with constant put-downs and unoriginal wisecracks about my weight. I could cry, I could fight or I could tell a teacher. Unfortunately, I only cry during sex, I'm too slow to fight and snitches dig ditches, so I had to come up with a fourth option. And that, of course, was to make jokes right back.
But whatever could I say? It's not like my fellow fat kids were calling me fat, so I couldn't just make a lame fat joke in return. No, I had to get creative with it. I had to dig deep. Maybe I'd focus on the lazy eye that you thought your bullshit status as captain of the varsity swimming team somehow obscured. Perhaps I'd point out that, rumor had it, your mother turned into a huge slut after your dad (understandably) ran off with another woman. If a crowd of people was listening, maybe I'd claim that you gave a cousin of mine crabs. Whatever it took, I made sure I always had something to come back with when someone teased me about my weight. All those years of fighting fat jokes with "Well at least MY dad doesn't beat MY mom" jokes amounted to some of the best comedy writing practice a person could possibly hope for. I learned not only how to avoid always making the obvious joke, but also how to come up with jokes even when there wasn't anything obviously funny to talk about. And now, jokes pay my bills.
So, thank God I grew up fat. If I didn't, I'd probably be working at a gas station right now, just like all those fucking jocks and other assorted douchebags who took such delight in teasing me as a kid.
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. Be his friend on Twitter and Facebook.
For more from Adam, check out The 6 Most Pathetic Attempts to Get Super Bowl Tickets and The 6 Most Insane People to Ever Run for President.