OK, it's done. I'm getting out of here. Thanks for your ... OH SHIT.
I think I just hit another one.
That would be its mate then. Now hang on a second and let me check my math.
I said hang on. Two minus two ... zero! Wow! You're marmot history's greatest monster!
What are they doing walking around on the road at night?
Fuck you. Oh shit! There's some headlights coming.
Park ranger, I bet. Step on it.
Do you mean ...
Figuratively, yes, marmot-ender. Now is the time for you to respectfully tear ass out of there.
Where should I go?
Find some place to hide.
There's a little pull-off up ahead.
Good, perfect. So what you do now is you relax. This is not your fault.
I mean yes, running over these last two marmots was definitely your fault. But you didn't kill the thousands of others before this. Right?
Not thousands. But I've come to this park a few times, and ...
Regularly heard the sound of an animal perishing under your car?
Oh God, that sound!
Like a juice box getting hit with an accordion, isn't it?
OK, so maybe this is more your fault than most. But still, there's no reason you can't duck responsibility for it.
How will anyone know I did this?
These things are so endangered, they probably have tracking devices on them. Park rangers monitoring them 24/7. The NSA too, I bet.
Obama's America. You've probably got 10 minutes before dudes start rappelling out of helicopters.
So what do I do?
We use that time to frame someone else. Like let's say we clean off your car and feed this poor little guy to one of his natural predators. That way if anyone asks, you can say that it was nature who ended his species.