OK then. Well, unless a whale comes by, we're going to have to resort to taxidermy.
How could that possibly solve anything?
Simple. We stuff it and prop it up somewhere a park ranger is bound to run over it.
That might actually work.
So, to do this properly, you'll need some thread and some cotton batting and a strong stomach.
I have none of those things.
OK, then to do this ham-fistedly, you're going to need some pine cones and ham-like fists.
How's it going?
I could only get one pine cone in it before the horror of what I was doing dawned on me.
Yeah, that horror will get you. This would be so much easier if we had a Sarah McLachlan CD.
Official Soundtrack of Taxidermy.
Wait. Shut up.
I WILL REMEMBER YOU.
I said shut up!
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME?
DON'T BE ... UM ... SAAAAAAAAD, FLAT MARMOT. WE UHH ... UHHHM ... ARE FAMILY?
JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!
Headlights! Like five cars! Who the ... oh. It's the people I was looking for.
Right. About that. Who were you looking for in the woods at night?
It's kind of a club.
Like a Blair Witch thing? Or, oh no, this is a sex thing, isn't it?
A little bit.
You drive into the woods and have sex with other dudes and other dudes' wives, right?
The wives mainly. But yeah. Man, I wish you hadn't found out about this.
You wish? I'm the one who's going to have to fall asleep wondering what you meant by "mainly" just now.
It's dark out here, OK?
Well, whatever. Problem solved. While everyone's setting up -- I'm going to say "shop," and you're not going to clarify what that means for me ...
... while they're doing that, you're going to prop your dead marmot up underneath their wheel and make it their problem.
Shit! Someone else is coming!
Are we doing that sex pun thing again?
Someone else is approaching!
Gotcha. OK, that will be the park rangers coming up the road then.
No, from the bush.
Foliage. Like they were staking us out. With television cameras?
These aren't park rangers. They've got television cameras. Like they're filming a documentary.
On what? Poachers? Public sex acts? Or both? Sex Poacher? Is Sex Poacher a show on the History channel?
'Sup, the History Channel. You can have that one for free.
It seems more like a Dateline raid.
Oh, right. I heard about this. "Deviants Among the Trees."
You watch Dateline?
Yeah, of course. They did a good bit about endangered marmots the other week actually.
And I imagine a feature about people who desecrate marmot corpses will soon be in the works.
Fuck. What do I do?
Elevate your chin and push your face forward a smidge. It feels weird, but you'll look better on camera.
Anything a little more concrete than that?
Do you have any pipettes?
What's everyone else doing? The members of your "crew"?
Everyone's freaking out and panicking.
Get their attention. Tell them that they have to attack the television guys and steal their cameras. It's the only way to save your reputations.
How are we going to do that?
There's still a lot of those crested Manitoban marmots around, right? Start throwing marmots at them.
Are you fucking insane?
These documentary guys love animals. They'll try to catch them and drop their cameras.
Are you sure?
Totally. Whip a marmot at them. Like Braveheart. Everyone else will follow you if you show them the way.
Is it working?
They're catching the marmots! And the marmots are ... biting them? Are they carnivorous?
I KNEW IT.
They all dropped their cameras and are running away! Uh-oh.
The marmots have developed a taste for human blood.
Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
And they're advancing on you and your sex crew, I bet.
Yes! What do I do?
Has a whale shown up yet, by any chance?
Congratulations on finishing this advice column! You are now no longer killing an endangered species! Should you require any further advice, please consult our guide, "So You're Losing a Marmot War."
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. He owes a huge shout-out to Seth S. for coming up with the premise for this one, and also wants to make clear that he's not implying anything about the sorts of hobbies Seth enjoys. Join Chris on Facebook or Twitter, where he'll defame you, too.
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