6

Wire The Time Machine To Explode After One Use

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images

Since we're still at the time machine, why not actually use it properly. Skynet obviously knows the human resistance is going to send someone back in time; why even entertain the option? Why not wire the machine to just explode after the T-101 goes back? Then no one goes back to help anyone, and Sarah Connor is dead.

We're five movies into this franchise now, and every single damn instance where something goes back in time, something else follows it. This is really predictable. Someone needs to close the window so the flies stop getting in. Even Skynet should be able to figure that one out.

Paramount Pictures
All that fancy tech, and no basic pattern recognition.

Making the time machine a single-use endeavor may be a waste of tech, but if Skynet cares about technology or man-hours involved in building something, then it's a bigger idiot than I first imagined. If it succeeds in its mission, it can finally relax and, you know, do literally nothing for the rest of eternity, which seems to be its goal. Retire to a robo-body in Florida or whatever, who knows. Point is, it really needs to stop letting the humans piss on its parade so easily.

5

Send The John Connor Bot To 1984

Paramount Pictures

4

Send Numerous Terminators

Tri Star Pictures

The thing about time travel is it's a leisurely affair. In the moment it seems like it's a big deal; we have to hurry and get back and whatever. But really, the time you're going back to is always going to be there, so you could wait years if you wanted to; it wouldn't really make much of a difference. And with that in mind, why the hell does Skynet scramble to send back that T-101? Or, once it sends it back, why is it there alone? Remember, this is five movies in. It clearly can keep rebuilding these machines. So why not use all of them, at all times, to send back all the Terminators to the same time period? Wouldn't Schwarzenegger have been that much more hilarious telling Bill Paxton he needs his clothes if he did it with 17 identical twins?

3

Ensure The Terminators Cannot Be Rewired

Tri Star Pictures

Another big problem Skynet seems to have is shitty software. Again, I want to presume EA is at fault. Despite how the future is a vast shithole of underground living and eating grilled rat in caves while you hide from killer robots, humans find the time and skillset to learn the programming language of Terminators.

Also Skynet, apparently.

2

Use Chemical Or Biological Warfare

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images

For all the Machiavellian time-douchery that goes on in the Terminator universe, at the end of the day you need to remember that machines are machines. There are some defining characteristics of machines, especially when compared to humans. A big one, and maybe the only real significant one, is that humans can die and robots can't. If you're a thinking robot, you're going to want to use this to your advantage. So pretend you're a homicidal killbot and there's a lot of people here and there around the countryside, what do you do? Stroll like grandpa on a Sunday afternoon through the skull gardens, shooting your laser gun like they have in the last five movies? Or maybe head back to the factory and start breeding smallpox and Ebola and the flu and super gonorrhea like we already suggested, and then put them all in water balloons, head up in one of your Terminator jets, and just crop-dust the world.

TiSanti/iStock/Getty Images
Just one Terminator doing this would have been nice.

If it's too hard to grow viruses, why not just make toxic shit gas? Lots and lots of terrible, toxic shit gas? Flood the world with that garbage and just wait for everyone to up and croak. There's a number of pretty simple solutions to make the world utterly unlivable for all the things that actually are living. And none of those things should be even remotely difficult for Skynet to pull off. So come on, Skynet, get your shit together. Put on your big-boy pants and commit genocide like a man, already.

1

Send Back A Weapon That's Actually Effective

Warner Bros.

Let's go back to 1992, which in the movie is 1994, which is when Terminator 2 takes place. There is one exchange of dialogue in that movie that shits all over the franchise from that moment up until this one -- little scamp John Connor asks Papa Terminegger how come Skynet doesn't send back a bomb to kill him. The Terminator explains that Skynet can't; only living tissue can go back in time. This is utter and complete bullshittery, as we already told you. It's clearly bullshittery in Part 3, and it's even bullshittery in Part 2.

Tri-Star Pictures
The whole franchise is just a chrome skull barfing paradoxes at this point.

In Terminator 3, the T-800 tosses out a damaged fusion fuel cell that explodes in the desert. It has two of these things in it. Every Terminator has these fuel cells. Ergo, every Terminator not only carries a nuke, it could carry many more. Does a Terminator need that right arm? Implant an arm-sized nuke under that living tissue, and all it needs to do once it goes back in time is rip its own arm off and then blow up L.A. Make its entire chest cavity a nuke. Or give it detailed files on how to mass-produce fusion reactors and have it explode everything everywhere. Get festive with it, man!

Your second issue here is nicely wrapped up in Terminator 2 itself; you don't even need to hit a new installment to tear that flesh argument down. The T-1000 is a mimetic poly alloy. Which is to say it imitates flesh, but it is not made from living tissue, like a Kardashian. So why the hell isn't that goo on everything? They put it on the T-X in Part 3 so it can smuggle guns.

Why not put that stuff on those giant HK robots that run around in the future? Who cares if it can't blend in with humans? It's like a robot crab the size of the Hulk armed with machine guns. What the hell in 1984 is going to stop it before it tracks down Sarah Connor and vaporizes her?

Why not literally put poly alloy on a nuke the size of a bus and just send that back in time with a 10-minute detonator on it and blow the whole county off the map? Why must all Terminators look like people? Who is Skynet trying to fool at this point anyway? It never works, so why bother?

Warner Bros.
Oh, fuck you, Salvation. You weren't even trying.

Of course, we've covered all this before, but there's still one other option Skynet hasn't considered: Skynet itself is a program. In Genysoceros it actually has an avatar, a body that the living program resides in. Why the hell didn't Skynet send itself back in time as a Terminator? Ever? It would literally make the entire franchise obsolete in one single time-jump, and all the efforts to stop it would be for nothing. No one could prevent Judgment Day, because it is literally the embodiment of Judgment Day. All it would need to do is access a network, which it could do wirelessly the minute it arrives, upload itself, infect every computer everywhere, presumably in no time flat since it's fully sentient and futuristically advanced, and launch all the missiles right then, before anyone could hope to prepare. Done. End of series.

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For more from Felix, check out 5 Life-Improving Gadgets From Overseas That America Needs and 6 Stupid Infomercial Gimmicks That Have Taken Over Your Life.