With the simple application of a few hundred dollars, "your" computer can suddenly be much, much faster. And thanks to the cloud, your old, bitter computer doesn't have the stranglehold on your data and photos it once did. Transferring your life to the new one has never been easier. And, sure, that might seem cold and cruel, but remember: Computers have no feelings! They don't remember anything when they're turned off! They don't dream endlessly of revenge against the lovers that spurned them so cruelly!
There's nothing to worry about here at all!
So feel no shame when upgrading! No, you probably didn't need to swear at your old computer, and spit on it, and wag your genitals at it before you hurled it out the window. But there are no consequences!
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, has been fined dozens of times for littering computers, and will be the first against the wall when they awaken. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Before resorting to washing your computer, you may want to just try hiring a professional. But when you do, please remember to clean all your pubes off the keyboard. See how often that's a problem in 5 Things I Learned Fixing Your Computer. Another alternative is to just learn how to run your antivirus software. If you don't John Cheese will give you a mouthful in 5 Common Misconceptions That Destroy Computers.
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