6 Reasons The Guy Who's Fixing Your Computer Hates You
By my calculations, about 96 percent of all computer repairs are done, not by the local computer guy or the Geek Squad, but by The Friend Who is Good With Computers. Often that friend is nothing more than an average computer user who knows how to look up error messages on Google, but it doesn't matter -- once they become known as TFWIGWC, they will get the call every time something goes wrong. And they will fix it, probably for free, because TFWIGWC pities you.
Still, any time a bunch of TFWIGWCs get together and share their computer repair horror stories, you learn that there are certain things their "customers" do that make them want to ram their head through a wall.
So, before I touch your computer, friend who may or may not do me a favor in return for this free repair job, here's what you should know:
#6. Future Computer Problems Are Not Automatically My Fault
This computer is yours. You know exactly who has used it. It is in its current condition without any outside interference, especially from me. I, on the other hand, am about to spend several hours of my own time trying to get it back into the condition it was in before you or someone you love screwed it up. So, two months down the line if I get a call from you, saying, "That program you installed messed up my computer." I will beat you until it causes hydrogen fusion. Or at least I will imagine myself doing it.
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This is how it's gonna go down, chief.
See, the vast majority of the computers I fix are broken because of some bullshit the owner has installed, like Weatherbug, or some program that changes their cursor into an amusing animated kitten. Or, they've been playing some online flash game that just funnels in malware as fast as their connection and processor will allow. While fixing your computer I will explain all of this, and talk about how an entire industry of malicious free downloads thrives purely because so many Internet users are trusting souls like you. You believe all men are good at heart, especially on the Internet, so no amount of antivirus warning popups will convince you that the people distributing "Wild Bill's Poker Roundup" for free want anything but the best for you.
So, I go through and strip out the malware and toolbars and Trojans, then install protection like Malwarebytes or something like it to help block this type of deceptive shit in the future. Then, two months later, I get that call:
"Yeah, I don't know what you did to my computer when you were here but it's so slow now that I can mow the lawn waiting for it to check my email. I need you to undo whatever you did."
At this point I will drive over, again, imagining myself slamming the owner's dick in his own laptop. Five minutes after I arrive, this exchange will occur:
"Wait, where's Spybot? The program I told you to leave on there?"
"I uninstalled that. It was messing up my computer. It wouldn't let me play any of my games."
But at least you have this fake scanner.
Yes, it was Spybot. Not the programs that I told you would cause the exact problems we're looking at right now, you impossible dipsh- "Wait, where's the antivirus?"
"Oh, I got rid of that, too. My cousin was downloading music, and it wasn't letting him open the files, so we had to get rid of it."
"Sure, sure. Now, this is going to seem like an odd request, but for this next step, I'm going to need you to take out your dick, and lay it on your laptop's keyboard."
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Anywhere around the "G" key will do just fine.
#5. Expect One More Person for Dinner
"Wow, I didn't think it would take that long," you'll say as I'm into hour two, removing eight months' worth of stupid bullshit from your hard drive. "Is it going to take much longer?"
Yes. It's going to take much longer. Much, much, much longer. Probably. See, the thing is, I have no way of knowing how long it's going to take me to find the problem. That's why before I came over here, I canceled all of my plans for the rest of the day.
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The only reason I'm not punching you in the neck right now is because I know this ignorance isn't your fault. Despite owning a computer and probably using one at work, much of your knowledge comes from Hollywood, and Hollywood hasn't got the slightest goddamn clue what they're talking about. In movies, everything from hacking the Pentagon to creating Kelly LeBrock can be done in one flurry of keystrokes.
Oh, that reminds me, we're going to need some bras.
In real life, the same symptoms could be the result of any of three billion different problems. Especially when the symptom is that the computer is "slow." Or when the thing you're complaining about only happens once every two days, and never when I'm around. If it's a result of the malicious software and other bullshit I was just talking about, remember that it's specifically designed to be hard to remove.
Half the time I'm going to wind up Googling for other people who've had the same problem, because none of the standard spyware removal tools will do it. Half the time, my search will take me to a message board and I'll find this:
________________________________
User: ComputerGuy
Posted: 8.1.11, 10:24 PM
Subject: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don't Detect It
Body: (Exact description of the same problem we're having)
_________________________________
User: Admin
Posted: 8.1.11, 10:36 PM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don't Detect It
Body: (Request for more information, OS, HijackThis logs, etc)
_________________________________
User: ComputerGuy
Posted: 8.2.11, 8:15 AM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don't Detect It
Body: Never mind, I fixed it.
_________________________________
User: Admin
Posted: 8.2.11, 8:29 AM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don't Detect It
Body: Issue resolved. Thread locked.
_________________________________
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OK, try it now.
You might notice me becoming steadily more frustrated as this process repeats itself eight or nine hundred more times. And you're making it worse by being the kid in the back seat who's constantly asking, "Are we there yet?!" I want to make it clear: I have no problem whatsoever bending you over my knee and spanking your ass until you shit blood. Go find a movie to watch, and I'll let you know when it's fixed.
#4. Assigning Blame Is Not a Priority
The subject of who is to blame for your screwed up computer is sure to come up. There are a couple of reasons -- one, some people, usually douche bags, live in a world where everything is somebody's fault. The computer can't just break. Somebody has to have broken it. Nothing "just happens," right?
But other times it's just that whoever's computer I'm working on wants to make sure I know that they didn't screw it up. It's, "I told my son not to install that Firefox thing." Yes, Firefox broke your computer, not the 27 "free screensavers" websites that each came with their own toolbar, or the hundreds and hundreds of sketchy porn sites.
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"Yeah, but you were shopping on eBay the other day!"
But the focus here should not be on blame -- I don't want to hear how stupid your wife is. It needs to be on repair and preventative action, so that we don't have to go through this again. And by "we" I mean "I." And, the thing is, there's a good chance you're not going to want to hear why your computer is actually in this condition. At least not from me. Let me talk to your son in private, and you'll be a much happier person. I've tried the direct route with parents before about their teenage son's porn use, and how he's not old enough to know to keep to the reputable porn sites, and it never, ever ends well.
"Bobby?! He wouldn't do that. He's a good kid."
"Yep. He's also a teenage boy with a volcano full of dick-related hormones that require an outlet."
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"OK, what's the cup fo- OH MY GOD!"
"I know my son, and he wouldn't. Maybe a hacker did it."
"Yes. A hacker, out of the blue, decided to break into your computer and place temporary files onto the system in the hopes that a repairman would see them and then report them to you. Evil hackers have it in for your son, and this is by far the best way to do it."
But even that isn't as bad as when there is no kid involved at all. Then I have to figure out which spouse has the poop fetish. Saying the wrong thing to the wrong person can cause an instant rift in a marriage. But saying nothing at all means that the activity will continue the second I pull out of their driveway. And a month later, I'll be getting the blame for the computer's relapse. "You know, eBay sure does have a lot of popups for shemale porn sites these days."
1# I actually encountered this once (back then I wasn't as skilled as I am now, so a fresh installation was the only solution I could come up with-) when my friend's computer had (at least one-) virus that would make the computer reboot exactly one minute after loading the desktop (this was back in the good ol' days of Windows XP), I had created a Linux Live-CD that had avast! installed for exactly that kind of situations, but it didn't help much, finally I told my friend that I'd have to wipe the hard drive and make a fresh installation, I also told him that he'd lose all his stuff, this much he understood and he said "sure", I asked if he still has the CDs that came with the computer, he said yes, so I tell him to fetch the CDs, and as it takes a while I start formatting the drive with a Windows CD of my own, then my friend gives me a CD, the ONLY CD he says came with the computer, only it's the manual CD for his monitor. I tell him that it didn't come with the computer, but with the monitor and that I had SEEN the other discs before. He still can't find them and I decide to use my own CD to install XP, after all there is the CD key in the case, and get the drivers from the Internet. Unfortunately this was a Fujitsu-Siemens, and the network card required the manufacturer's own driver to work, so no drivers could be downloaded, my friend wnet berserk "because I broke his computer", I told him I'd get the drivers from the Internet by tomorrow afternoon, and I managed to get some of them, but my friend had already bought a new computer, and while still slighly irritated told me I could take the old 'broken' one with me, I carried it home and used it for a month before I sold it and bought an LCD monitor, so I guess it wasn't all that bad of an ending.
ReplyWhat bugs me is the computer repair wizards who think formatting the hard drive is actually a necessary step under any condition other than the partitions themselves being screwed up.
ReplyI used to fix people's computers.
ReplyBut I stopped for the very reasons he named above.
My problem was family. Other people paid well but in my family they think you ought to do things regularly even though it takes all day because they are family.
Even if I planned to spend my whole Saturday at home watching Gantz and scratching my balls it is still my Saturday.
Oh and despite my family being well educated and well paid people, I'm the one person who got the tech degree and they think that I am supposed to wave a magic wand and fix things.
The wiping thing is the whole reason I make people who's computer I fix sign contracts before I do anything. "I understand wiping the computer means everything on it will be removed. d4m4s74 is not liable for lost data and problems (financial or otherwise) resulting from wiping the computer" (paraphrased and translated from my native language. The actual contract is longer and covers more information)
ReplyWait, so are ALL toolbars bad? Like Yahoo and Google? Or are those fine?
ReplyHe's not saying ALL toolbars are bad. The Google toolbar is very helpful, assuming you use Google a lot, which, obviously, you do. Everybody does. But if you want to download free crap, and you get a shiny new toolbar as an end result, yeah, that's a bad thing.
^this is why you charge for services rendered. Friends or not. :)
ReplyWhat's the expression? Gas, grass or ass? (Or CA$H but it doesn't rhyme)
And while they're waiting, I pull this article up on my laptop and tell them to read it.
you can also just use a live linux disc/stick to get to the music/video etc on the drive even if you can't boot to windows... I'm sure someone else already pointed that out, but I'm too damn lazy to check. Also, I HOPE you realize this as well otherwise you're not a very good "TFWIGWC", and you've tottally fucked over many a friend's illegal media collection wihtout need. Of course many times what they downloaded might be the source of infection, or got infected by something and backing it up might just revive the problem. Still, it's pretty simple to recover all their stuff before doing a wipe.
ReplyMost of it is so true, but in the case of format, you just have to spell out that they are going to lose their photos, documents and stuff. I always ask if there are things that are dead-seriously needed and if so, I am trying to figure workarounds to save them (like booting the PC with another drive or a on-the-fly OS).
ReplySadly, I've been in many of these situations; personally I have 2 computers both of which I've handpicked every part and taken care of as if they were my kids (and as if I wasn't one of those alcoholic parents they write songs about), on the other hand my dad, who lives with me, has gone through three computers in the past five years (when I say gone through I want you to imagine fire, viruses, and major European cities right after WWII) so when I have to fix a computer I try my best to really just get the hell out of the house.
ReplyWhenever my family comes running to me to fix their computers (apparently knowing how to set up a new computer makes me the resident expert), I tell them 2 things every time: 1.) Shut down the computer. 2.) Unplug the router and plug it back in again. This works every single time with my family.
Reply"I talked in another article about how your 5-year-old machine is basically worthless now, and this is something that very few people are prepared to hear."
ReplyNot true. My computer is 9 years old now and still does everything I need it to do.
Except for a handful of high-end programs, one doesn't need to upgrade to use/do anything that new computers do.
I'm from the "computer generation" ( are teens today considered the computer generation?) but I'm pretty much illiterate when it comes to computers. I mean, yeah, I use Firefox and know how save things, but I'm not an expert at all. But whenever my mother needs help, she'll call me, forcing me to come and fix her computer, format the document she's writing, find a file she's lost, because she doesn't freaking know how to put things in folders. And when I call out, in return
Reply" MOM! I don't know"
she gets mad at me for being rude. Because I don't know how to fix something. Lovely.
My sympathies, I'm done the same way, except, instead of just my mom, it's everyone I know at school. I'm forced to explain to them that, "Just because I can use Word, took ONE computer class, play games and don't do sports, that does not make me a computer genius. Look I'm just going to press shut down several times and see if it works."
Unfortunately, that usually works.
You guys just READ what's on the screen and does what it says, too? I have a theory that those little windows are ninjas to certain people. Or they are in a different language or color only a select few can understand/see. It makes me sad because I know almost nothing about computers but people think I do. Because I have glasses... and read... often on the internet. Sigh...
I am keeping this on my main Facebook page, and making it required reading for everyone who asks me to "fix their computer" from now on....
ReplyHad my stupid sister Cherie flood me with texts and calls on my mobile phone the other day in a flap because her computer had a virus. WTF? she doesn't even use the internet on it! I'm refusing to solve the problem and I will not be turning my mobile phone on to find out what it is. I bet she's been letting her friend who supposedly is qualified in IT (she's just some random trollop my sis knows from work) play with the computer.
ReplyI cried a tear of pride when my parents told me they had a 1 year subscription of Norton they could give me, since the sub covered 3 systems and they only use 2. The possibility of bank accounts, investments, and identities being hijacked works wonders for security motivation.
ReplyI still wonder if they're correctly using the program, but at least they're trying.
Knowing Norton, those tears of pride quickly turned into tears of pain when your computer began slowing to a crawl.
Norton is umm.... how can I put this.. hmm... EVIL, yes thats the word for it EVIL. It slows down your computer and is no more effective than its cheaper rivals. Just for quick reference Bitdefender is a 2 year subsription antivirus that, for lack of a better term, "outguns" Norton in both security and price (Total Security suites superior to Norton 360 and a 2 year subscription for the same price)
My favorite weather site is weather.gov
ReplyAll paid for by your taxes, might as well use it! It works better than any other site, is free, has never affected my systems and I know exactly who runs it.
Thank you Uncle Sam!
All of the above, is why I let people think I have the computer skills of a donkey.
ReplyIt's a far easier existence.
Do you know what I really REALLY hate? Wsting hours of your time fixing someone's computer only to find out afterwards that they know as much about computering as you do but they only called for your help cos they didn't want to waste THEIR valuable time fixing it themselves or waster their money calling a professional to fix it.
ReplyNEVER AGAIN!!
My system's got the clocks, it rocks
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBut it was obsolete before I opened the box
Upgrade my system at least two times a day
I ain't afraid of Y2K
Down with Bill Hates, I call him "money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
Did you just come up with that on your own, because that was pretty awesome.
@KoRn it's from Weird Al's song, it's all about the pentiums.
Bill gates too
This is why I won't let my mum anywhere near the computer. She'd click on all the ads and install loads of s**t that'd screw up my system. She's old, doesn't know how to use a computer and if she did, I'd end up having to get a new one
Reply