5

Secret Santa

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Do you work in an office? If so, you're about one week away from that time of year when the office activities committee starts trying to cajole you into participating in this year's Secret Santa program. If you're unfamiliar with the term, it basically means a group of people are each assigned the name of a person they must buy a gift for, and then present it to them anonymously. Sometimes, it's a series of small gifts, culminating in one final large gift, with "large" generally meaning "costing no more than $10."

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"This used copy of Lilo & Stitch has that chick in accounting's name all over it."

It's an innocent enough idea, but if you deny the fact that it also turns any office into a melting pot of paranoia, resentment, and frustration, then you probably invented the concept and aren't willing to acknowledge the hell you've unleashed upon the rest of the world.

The problem is that your workplace is filled with a wide range of personalities, a lot of them of the awful variety. Inevitably, those personalities start to shine through in the gifts people give.

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"Guess who's giving out designer Post-it notes this year."

4

The Elf On The Shelf

Amazon

"The Elf on the Shelf" became a Christmas tradition when a book of the same name said it should back in 2005. Basically, it involves placing an elf doll somewhere in your home and telling your children that he's there to watch them and report the findings directly to Santa Claus, which he does by going all the way back to the North Pole every single night. He then "returns" the next day, positioned in a new spot, where he can once again rule over your child's behavior using nothing more than his dead-eyed stare.

Before it leaves for the North Pole each night ... it watches you sleep.

This apparently goes on night after night until Christmas finally rolls around, and everyone realizes the elves must have said good things because, sure enough, there are a bunch of presents from Santa underneath the tree. First of all, this is a total perversion of what Santa's controlling power over children is supposed to be. Much like God or the Devil, Santa is to be known about and feared, but never seen. Keeping your children in check by simply suggesting that some unknown but all-knowing entity is watching them is a powerful parenting tool. Working a doll into the mix does nothing short of destroying the legend surrounding Santa's powers of surveillance. He's never needed an elf to tell him who's naughty or nice.

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"Recognize."

3

The NHL Winter Classic

Wikipedia

In a desperate last grab at garnering some much needed attention for their borderline useless league, the National Hockey League started a yearly tradition in 2008 where, on New Year's Day, they host an outdoor game, usually at a football or baseball stadium. The 2009 game between the Detroit Red Wings and Chicago Blackhawks took place at Wrigley Field, for example.

If you think I'm going to say this tradition needs to stop because it's way too cold for outdoor sports in January, you're wrong. I adore the NFL, and half their season is played under the ever-present threat of inclement weather. You can play all hockey outdoors, for all I care. You can play all hockey on fields of grass with high school chicks. It's all the same to me.

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"Never let anyone say you can't play the same boring sports the boys do."

No, my problem here is no different from when I mentioned seeing hockey in person as one of the points in my "5 Supposedly Fun Activities Nobody Actually Enjoys (Part 2)" article last year. My argument then was that, despite being a vastly superior game to soccer in terms of action and scoring and such (and by "vastly" I mean "barely"), the fact that the puck is nearly impossible to see when watching in person makes the entire hockey experience a lot less enjoyable. And, as you can see in this shot from a recent NHL Winter Classic, the problem is made infinitely worse in a stadium environment.

Wikipedia
Not a good seat in the house!

2

Christmas Albums

Christmas albums are a roller coaster of emotions. On the one hand, when the news first breaks that a musician you enjoy is releasing a new album, you're elated. Moments later, when you hear that it's actually a Christmas album, your excitement gives way to full-blown apathy. Because no matter how much you love a band or musician, nobody loves a Christmas album.

Don't get me wrong, there are a few good modern Christmas songs, like this beauty, for example:

1

Shopping on Black Friday

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Holy mother of fuck, what is wrong with people? There is no amount of savings on a 32-inch Westinghouse LCD TV that justifies sleeping in front of a Best Buy. I don't care if you're homeless and someone is going to give you that television for free so you can pawn it and put yourself up in a meth motel for a week, it's still not worth the effort.

I guess I was a little more able to understand the appeal back when "Black Friday" was an appropriate term for the event. You know, the days when it actually involved waking up (or camping out) early enough to be one of the first people through the door when the store opened. Eventually, though, the cutthroat competition among retailers to attract more shoppers led them to start opening earlier and earlier. It used to be that stores would open at six in the morning the day after Thanksgiving, and even then, people marveled at the dedication required to shake off a turkey (and booze) hangover at such an ungodly hour just to score a sweet deal on a Teddy Ruxpin or whatever the fuck. Nowadays, stores don't even wait for Thanksgiving to end. Walmart opens at goddamn 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving night this year. This is the only time of year when a store opening too early actually counts as an inconvenience.

The concept of Black Friday is made all the more ridiculous by the fact that, if you just wait a few more days, you can get most of those same deals online without seeing so much as a single stampeding horde of shopping hooligans.

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It's called Cyber Monday, and it's how grown-ups shop for stuff they don't need. Not only do you get to skip the inclement weather and long lines, you also get to shop while you should be working. It's all upside.

Nevertheless, at the exact same time this column hits the front page of Cracked, people all across the country will be Bloodsport-ing each other to get their hands on deals that will probably be available at any time for the rest of the year, because tradition says that's what they're supposed to do.

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Another tradition you might hate is spending time with your family. Break the cycle and read 4 (Bad) Reasons You Spend Holidays With Family. And learn how to shake off that Thanksgiving funk (Chris-Bucholz-style) with 9 Ways To Get Back Into Work Mode After A Holiday.

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