"Old No. 69", indeed.
It's called Whiskey Dick, and it's a lube. A lube that supposedly tastes like whiskey. It's actually kind of impressive how many things the chaos deity that makes Whisky Dick manages to screw up here. There's the product name, which you'll recognize as the exact opposite of happy boner times that might require the presence of lube. There's the fact that someone wants you to mentally associate a strong liquor with the mucous membrane of your crotch area. There's the point that said someone actually thought whiskey would be an excellent taste for a lube, or that lube actually needs an artificial taste at all. Who uses lube for blowjobs? Mummies? Is this a butt-to-mouth situation, and if so, how the everlasting fuck does the artificial whiskey taste improve the situation?
Spoiler: Roughly this much.
No, guys and gals, no. There's one reason for the existence of Whiskey Dick, and one alone: To provide sub-par whiskey dicksickles for hardcore winos who can't choose between their bottle and their hookup. That's a cynical freaking product. I'm impressed.
As pertinent a presence as weed is in most every type of product ever, it's surprising how little it figures in the field of sexuality. Sure, you can probably buy a pot-leaf patterned vibrator or condoms with "420" on the wrapper from every single paraphernalia store on earth, but most serious fuckers tend to be shit out of luck for "look guys, I like to smoke the marijuana" themed genital terror. That is, unless they invest in the Cockpipe.
For once, a product that's exactly what it says on the tin.
OK. I get how that product works, I can see the schematic. It's a dong sleeve with a tiny pipe attached, so you can smoke a bone while you're smoking a bone. (Dang, I promised myself I wouldn't type that.) I even kind of get the logistics of the smoke-powered blowjob thanks to the product website's (ridiculously NSFW) demo video, even though I personally suspect that 90 percent of the people actually using this thing will wind up dick-stabbing themselves in the eye.
However, I really have a few questions about the implications of this thing, because if I ever saw a product that screamed "sure, you can have some of my stash, on one condition..." it's this one. Hell, even if you were using it in full, mutual understanding, the chances of it actually improving oral sex life are around jack shit, unless there's some cannabis strain I'm not aware of that enables you to keep up your pace and general bag of tricks as you become more and more stoned.
Also, as you may be aware, the way this type of pipe works is that you heat the bowl with a lighter before you inhale. This means that the Cockpipe encourages you to bring an open flame to the immediate vicinity of your partner's nether regions, while also trying to pay attention to pleasuring said regions. While you get more and more stoned. Somewhere, Smokey Bear is screaming something incoherent about forest fires and holding its crotch.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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