We've talked about sex toys a few times over the years. Maybe a few too many times. So it's no surprise that we would be the first to realize that the entire sex toy industry is now completely run by aliens. This isn't exaggeration -- some of the toys we've recently seen have so little understanding of sexuality or basic anatomy that a secret alien invasion is somehow the most rational explanation for them. To prepare you for the coming war, we present ten of the most obviously alien-designed sex toys on the market today.
Note: There are some pictures here which are hilariously NSFW. We've blurred the blurable, but that still might not be enough to ensure you maintain your current level of employment, so tread carefully.
10The Worm-Filled Dick Tube
Our first example comes from the realm of male masturbation aids. Now, you may think that the limits to what men can safely put their dicks inside were discovered long ago. Thankfully, we can assure you that those limits are flagrantly ignored, if they were understood at all, by the Noodle King (NSFW):
Get used to that full-body shiver. More are coming.
Setting aside the mind-bending horror, there is admittedly a lot to like here. It looks about the right size, for one. It's basically the right color. And what guy wouldn't want to stick his penis inside something that sort of looked like a second, larger penis?
Oh that's right, a lot of them.
But let's get back to that mind-bending horror -- notably, the nightmare world of tiny Johnson-strangling tentacles hiding inside this King of the Long Fellows like the garden of poor unfortunate souls in Ursula's undersea lair. There's no earthly explanation for why anyone would make this thing. This is clearly the work of extraterrestrials with some pretty brazen assumptions about human anatomy and sexual needs.
"Is this what 'Mom's spaghetti' means?" -- aliens right now, probably
9Pieces Of Anatomically-Challenged Humans
Sex toys are generally intended to replicate very particular bits of the human anatomy. You know the ones. But what if you wanted a toy which replicated a bit more? Not too much more, mind you. Something you can still fit in a suitcase. Something more like a bizarre, masturbatory half-person. Well, you're in luck. Let us introduce you to the Master Series Knees Up Nikki (NSFW).
Master Series (NSFW)
Nice to meet you. No, don't get up.
Now, if you're a choosier sort of maniac, have no fear, because they absolutely offer a version where Nikki's knees are bent into an impossible position:
Master Series (NSFW)
Now, if Nikki were the only malformed masturbation toy out there, we could consider it a one-off -- the result of nothing more than the work of one lonely soul with poor depth perception and a singular vision of a perfect woman. But Nikki isn't alone. You must have known that. Meet SexFlesh Kyle (NSFW).
Blue Stone Traders (NSFW)
That blurred-out cannon isn't his leg.
It seems that whoever is creating these things isn't totally familiar with human anatomy, but is chillingly acquainted with the depths of Stygian insanity. For instance, behold the mute horror of the Jump Me Jerri Masturbator (NSFW).
Those splayed-out boobs, the lopsided ass, and that full-on Exorcist head twist are clearly the work of an extraterrestrial serial killer.