Humanity took thousands and thousands of years to develop the concepts of morality and chastity, just so we could better ignore them whenever it suits us. Few things demonstrate this better than the multitude of creepy-ass sex toys we have brought into existence.
Being an industry that aims to cater to absolutely everyone, it comes as no surprise that the sex toy trade also has plenty of gadgets for people who are, frankly, awful. Let's take a (strictly NSFW, as usual) look at the things our friendly neighborhood sociopaths employ during their more heated moments, and why you should run away like the fucking wind if your partner ever whips out stuff like ...
5The Stay Close Blowjob Aid
Wavebreakmedia Ltd/Wavebreak Media/Getty
Sometimes, the creepiest sex gear is the kind that you won't necessarily recognize as sexual at all. Case in point:
Is that one of those things they use to feed horses?
At first glance, the above picture seems to depict ... a kettle holder, maybe? Perhaps a really ill-advised scarf, like a stupid designer necktie thing that unscrupulous entrepreneurs peddle for the never-ending trickle of runners in the Yes-I'd-Like-to-Look-Like-an-Obnoxious-Hipster Marathon. Or maybe it's just some obscure kitchen utensil from the 1950s that your grandmother gave you as a present along with a $3 gift card to McDonald's and the hippest CD she could find at Walmart (which turns out to be The B-Side Collection by Maroon 5).
In reality, that might indeed be a gift from your grandmother -- but the recipient is your mom. For that piece of leather and suede, friends, is marketed under the name of the Stay Close Blowjob Aid. How does it work? Why, the exact way that lizard part of your brain that is always the first to recognize terror is starting to suspect. Basically, someone saw that scene in The Big Lebowski where Jesus cleans his bowling ball, and thought: "Hey, wouldn't it make a great sex toy if we replaced that bowling ball with someone's face?"
Bowling is one of the most sensual sports, after all.
Yep, those are handles, and the leather/cloth part wraps around the back of your partner's head. If you can't figure out the rest, you are an alien spy and have no business reading articles about this particular spin on human sexual behavior anyway. Quickly, flee back to Proxima Centauri, B'larrf, and please convince the Elders not to zap us just because your instruments happened to capture humanity discussing head wrap prisons bought by guys who are too gentlemanly to outright grab their partners' ears -- yet.
I doubt I would willfully imprison the head of a person whose teeth are within biting distance of my unguarded pelvic area, but that's just me. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. Still, despite all the evidence piling up against this product, I must admit that I can see some use for it. Human beings rarely come pre-equipped with handles, so in a suitably friction-challenged environment (say, a shower), wrapping this thing around your partner's grabbable bits could in theory provide much-needed handholds, thus preventing undue dislocations and embarrassing E.R. trips. Maybe ... maybe that's what this thing is really all about. Maybe that stupid-ass name is just provocative marketing. So maybe I should give this thing the benefit of doubt after all. It's not as if it comes in a package that specifically instructs fuck-awful people to use it as a freaking blowjob handl-
4The King JCobra Gentleman's Ring
It's a cock ring. Let's just get that out of the way right now. I picture lots of things when I hear the word "gentleman": champagne, opening doors for old ladies, good sportsmanship. But cock rings? Look, the concept of debauchery and I exchanged phone numbers years ago. As such, I fully realize and accept that cock rings exist, and that people use them. They come in various sizes and shapes, and unless you're equipping them with stuff like razor blades or Wi-Fi, they're alright. It's just that my belief in the general goodness of humanity dies a little whenever I see shit like this:
"Hi. I'm here for the sex."
Hey, look, it's a cobra for your dick!
Balancing the thin line between insanity and super insanity, the handy combination of sex toy and sexual harassment lawsuit that is the King JCobra Gentleman's Ring is a solid gold (or silver, or platinum) cock ring shaped like an extremely realistic poisonous snake, because cuckoo whistle bait, poopie noodles! The product's website advises the user to wear it during sex, which is how Cleopatra really died, or during normal day-to-day activities, which is actually awesome, because now I can forever assume that every rich douchebag smarming their way about town is secretly wearing one of these and doing their level best not to walk funny. Then again, the website also promises this thing is very ergonomic to use, which is likely true right up until the user jumps out of his Maserati to scream obscenities at the handicapped person occupying what is clearly his parking space and feels this thing tear into his nutsack.
"Look at all the smooth surfaces that my mouth doesn't have."
I don't give a damn how "elegantly dangerous" or terminally 50 Shades of Grey you want to be. There is no excuse for strapping a $15,000 precious metal snake to your dong, unless your dick was cursed by an ancient Egyptian sorcerer and the King JCobra Gentleman's Ring is the only thing that can keep the mummy of Amon-ath-Thotep away. Even then, if you even passingly consider wearing it as a sex thing, there's no way you'll ever convince anyone you're not just trying to subconsciously scare yourself from trying to touch every penis.
Every penis, Chad.