When my mother punishes me for my tardiness, she makes me wear a Soren Bowie mask so she'll at least feel a small pang of regret.

Now, while this meme is clearly awesome, others are not. Most are not. They're the online version of yelling "I love lamp" totally unprompted and waiting for everyone to congratulate you on how funny it was when you quoted that movie line from some years ago, quite out of context. You comedy trailblazer, you.

Memes are a barometer of online human laziness and lack of creativity. Whole message boards are devoted to the creation of new and the proliferation of old ones. When a new meme pops up -- for instance, Ridiculously Photogenic Guy -- it becomes so popular that you can expect to see it everywhere. Photogenic Guy ended up in worldwide news, on Gawker, Yahoo!, Huffington Post, ABC News and elsewhere while journalists kept using the word "viral" because someone in marketing told them to, even though you can tell by their expression that they keep equating it with herpes in their head. Space-age herpes. You get it from trying to bang a floppy drive. Those reporters still have floppy drives.

What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? Why? When did the masses pool together to have a conference and follow-up referendum on how to collectively start giving any shits about this stuff? If memes are a method of identifying a culture, future civilizations will assume we were a people made up entirely of puns that would have been booed off of vaudeville stages, and wordplay as clever as swordplay with a slow-witted baby with motor control issues is dangerous.

In fairness, as part of my actual job, I am on Twitter all day long making terrible one-liners, but that's only because it's my job and I am so terribly desperate for the validation of complete strangers. But at least I realize it. As an aside, how are you liking this article? Someone as attractive and smart as you could be off partying with celebrities, but I'm glad you're here with me. Come sit by me. I have pie.

Twitter lets you sit in your underpants eating peanut butter from a jar while you converse with celebrities, entrepreneurs, writers, politicians, psychotics, fame whores and Gladstone. Always Gladstone. There's no buffer zone, no wall. The only thing you have to keep you away from the influx of crazies is your own visibility. The more popular you are, the more attention you get, but the less likely you are to notice it all. Kim Kardashian has 14.5 million followers, several of whom she hasn't had sex with or married. In all of that, she probably has never seen one of my offers to take her out for sandwiches. And I don't give a shit, I will take her right the fuck out for sandwiches. Kim Kardashian, if you see this, I will buy you lunch. Anywhere you like, up to like $30 each. But on Twitter, because so many people are offering her sandwiches or Armenian waxing kits or whatever, she's missing out.

On the flip side, the account I use most often has around 5,000 followers. So if you send me a tweet, not only do I get angry that I have to use the word "tweet" like some kind of misfit toddler out bird-watching, but I'll see it. So if I make a hilarious one-liner about Tony Danza's BO, and you respond by telling me you want to spoon me in a hammock, I'll see that, and I'll always know you thought it, and we'll never be able to hang out, not ever. Unless it's a nice hammock.

To better elucidate the value of podcasts, I made this handy formula. It's a little complex, but the math is sound and it holds up under scrutiny, at least according to the janitor, who I assume has Good Will Hunting-like powers. His name's Gus. He makes his own salami. Good guy.

Does anyone know who you are? If yes, then podcast. If no, then shut up.

Now, applying this across the field of podcastery, which is not even a word, so don't jot this part down in your notebooks, you'll see that precisely 1 in 70 podcasts have any merit. The rest are podcasts by your dentist about how he just found the greatest deal on argyle sweaters and the body in the crawl space still seems fresh.

A podcast, like all things on the Internet, refuses to be bound by any rules except those it makes itself. TV shows are usually 30 or 60 minutes in length. Radio shows have DJs who get paid money and, apparently, entertain some people. Movies are generally between 90 and 120 minutes. Gary Fuckchuckle's Smile Time Podcast can be 17 hours straight, then have no new material for a month, then a 30-minute episode followed by an hour episode later that same day, then nothing for a week, until his three fans renounce him forever. Also, having nothing to say doesn't stop most podcasts from existing. That should really be an indicator to shut the fuck up. But it isn't.

That's a scrotum and a magic spell to give you a fat ass. It will cost you $26 for the pair. And neither one of them is a joke. Someone is in the market of selling scrotums and fat-ass spells as you read this. Think maybe you'll shop on Etsy instead? First, stop reading this article immediately. Go wash your mouth out for saying that, you dirty hipster. Now come back and look at this.

Etsy

That's a forlorn, depressed pig couch. You can't buy it on Etsy because it's already been sold. But it was there. And it's been replaced with something just as ridiculous, you can rest assured. If there's something far too ludicrous to exist in a real store because it would be taking up real estate from literally anything else, someone sells it online. Do you want a plaster bust of Eleanor Roosevelt eating a sausage? It's probably online. Do you want a painting of a narwhal fighting a shark with a sword? It's online.