Celebrity couples at their absolute best are vaguely annoying. At their worst they feel like a day-to-day physical attack on my soul. Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are truly taking that to a new level. They somehow manage to combine the existential anguish of celebrity romance news with the visceral disturbance of a couple making out HARD in a Starbucks. I truly cannot emphasize enough how much I need to never hear about their weird sex again.

People might say “then stop reading about them” and let me tell you I wish I could! But this isn’t the olden days where if you were seeking out celebrity gossip you had to go sit in a 7-11 aisle and read Us Weekly. Just to be online at all, to Log In, is to agree to just be absolutely peppered with information, newsworthy or not, like the algorithm is sitting behind a mounted machine gun downfield. I can’t attempt to avoid the tainted fruit that is learning more about Machine Gun Kelly eating Megan Fox’s fingernail clippings for strength or whatever. The tree must be torn out by the roots.

buddha

Pixabay

Me the day I forget everything I ever knew about Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly.

You may also point out that I am currently right now creating an online article about Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly. I understand this. I understand that in my fight for the truth, I must descend into the darkness myself. This is all in pursuit of the greater good. This is so less people need to find out that Megan and Machine Gun are trying pegging, or doing Santeria on each other, or whatever they’re up to next week.

This post was prompted by a specific piece of news, some new dumb freak stuff they’re doing. I will practice what I preach and not tell you what it was. Trust me when I say, it truly, deeply, does not matter. Your life will be the same if not better, remaining blissfully ignorant of what Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly’s lazy sundays look like. We cannot allow their weird sex to dominate our day-to-day thoughts any longer. It’s time to take our lives back.

Top Image: Michael Vlasaty/Erik Drost

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