In Hard Target, Jean-Claude Van Damme Sucker-Punches A Snake
Hard Target is a 1993 action movie directed by the legendary John Woo and starring Jean-Claude Van Damme's awesome mullet. JCVD plays Chance Boudreaux, a Louisiana man who ends up being hunted for sport by a cabal of wealthy businessmen. But what they don't realize is that, despite the misplaced accent and constant forehead glaze, Boudreaux is a man of the bayou. And that means there's nothing in that swamp he can't beat into submission. Nothing!
While on the run, Boudreaux and his beau are taking a breather in the bayou when he suddenly clocks a rubber rattlesnake sneaking up on them. Being the ultimate outdoorsman, Boudreaux simply snatches the predator and knocks it out with a swift punch to the face.
Universal PicturesThe punch symbolizes cocaine and the snake symbolizes Van Damme's wang throughout the '80s.
To the utter disgust of his soon-to-be romantic partner, Boudreaux then bites off the snake's tail like he's yanking the cork out of a stubborn bottle of wine.
Universal Pictures"Goddammit, I'm going to have to kiss that mouth before the end credits."
So ... why? Just why? Obviously, to turn this stunned prey into a silent but deadly trap for the pursuing baddies. Of course, no actual snakes were harmed in the making of this movie. We wish we could say the same of Jean-Claude Van Damme's career.
In On Deadly Ground, Steven Seagal Ends A Brawl With A Game Of Hand-Slaps
Steven Seagal has only three passions: martial arts, dumb conspiracy theories, and pretending to be a Native American. And in 1994, he managed to combine all three with On Deadly Ground, an "environmental action-adventure film" in which he plays a tough-guy environmental activist(?). Michael "Did My Check Clear?" Caine played the villain, an evil oil rig bigwig.
Warner Bros."Even the shark from Jaws: The Revenge had more acting chops than you."