5 Movie Characters Who Tried To Look Tough (And Failed Hard)

Not only did Seagal star in On Deadly Ground, but he also financed and directed it -- and it shows. In between the thrilling oil rig subplot, Seagal has time to become an honorary Native Alaskan. And just like any white guy who discovers he's 1/700th native anything, Seagal promptly ditches any clothing item without frills. This culminates in an epic bar fight in which Seagal, dressed with all the sensitivity and subtlety of Tonto, defends his new Native Alaskan buddies by beating up a bunch of 70-year-old retired steelworkers while the world's worst country song plays in the background.

After breaking a bunch of geriatric bones, Seagal squares off against the burly ringleader and challenges him to a duel. What kind of duel? Sword fighting? Boxing? Arm-wrestling? No, the manliest blood sport of them all: slapsies.

But there's a twist: Every time Seagal slaps hands, he gets a free punch. And because this is Seagal's movie, he takes a lot of free shots. The one-sided slapfest ends with the big ol' racist bleeding and puking and crying all over the place, admitting he has learned his lesson and blubbering that he needs "time to change." And then the two part ways, each a stronger man for knowing the pain of a third-grader.

Not that there would be a cool way to use your grandma's fine silver to grind a tourist trap, but it doesn't even work! Diesel is almost immediately overpowered by two random dudes the moment he lands. Let that be a lesson to you, kids: Skateboard tricks do not always sway a battle in your favor. Except for a front-foot impossible; that will get you out of just about everything.

Over the millennia, folklore has assigned Satan a host of strange and despicable powers, but we sure don't remember "arsonist urethra" among them. But then again, perhaps that's the real best trick the Devil ever pulled -- convincing the world his napalm dick didn't exist.

Universal PicturesThe face of a man who now has it in his contract that he refuses to pee fire.

Byrne earned himself a Razzie nomination for Worst Supporting Actor for this, losing out to Jar Jar Binks. And losing to Jar Jar, in any capacity, must be a career low.

In the 1986 film Cobra, Sylvester Stallone plays Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, a cop who doesn't play by society's rules, mainly because those rules gave him the name Marion Cobretti. He cuts his pizza with scissors, he drinks beer during a hostage negotiation, and he wears sunglasses indoors. At night. While watching TV.

Every line Cobra utters is a badass one-liner, like "You're the disease, I'm the cure," and "This is where the law ends and I start." But what audiences may not realize is that these are the testosterone-rich words of Sylvester Stallone himself, who wasn't just the star, but also the screenwriter of Cobra.

Warner Bros.Stallone so desperately needed Cobra to be awesome that he even put it on his license plate.

But what possessed Stallone, at the height of his popularity, to overcompensate so hard that he makes Truck Nuts seem subtle? Well, before Cobra was even a glint in his steely gaze, Sly was cast as the lead in Beverly Hills Cop. But Stallone wasn't a big fan of all the silly comedy bits, so he kept trying to change the entire movie, pushing the studio to add big-budget bloody action scenes. Oh, and he also wanted the character to be renamed Axel Cobretti. (You see where we're going with this, right?)

Stallone was eventually booted off the movie and replaced by Eddie Murphy. In response, he swore to take his ideas and write his own movie. With blackjack, and hookers, and a scene where he criticizes a woman for putting too much ketchup on her fries.

E. Reid Ross has a couple books, Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You'll Never Want To Go Outside Again and Canadabis: The Canadian Weed Reader, both available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Brad LaCour is barely living up to his potential. Please follow him on Twitter.

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