Cracked Writers
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Last week's most shared bits had some eerie thematic similarities - like how the Oregon militia guys and Google both want the government's grabby tax hands out of their damn pockets.
So when the armed group in Oregon tells the media that they will stay there forever before immediately asking people to send snacks, that is historically completely in line with the behavior of a militia. Because militias are made of f@cking idiots.
"Why is it that the people who served their country during wartime are also the people organizing standoffs with the government? If I had to guess ... it would be that the government totally hasn't done shit for them, and everyone should feel really ashamed about that."
Satan's appearance as a goat-horned, trident-wielding dude with red skin is just a product of pop culture, but that only scratches the surface. Most of the Bible's references to the critter we think of as Satan are actually, probably, referring to completely different entities.
"Given that the concepts of purgatory and limbo were invented after the Bible was written, they never entered into the popular discourse until ... Dante wrote about them. Shit, at this point we're willing to suggest that Dante invented more of Christianity than Jesus did."
A few of us could still pull those off proper.
"Think of how often you hear someone lament that they were meant for a different period in time. But if they saw what our grandparents and their grandparents had to live with, they'd probably just shrug off any further thoughts of wanting to see Hendrix live at Woodstock."
"I like to imagine that as soon as the clock struck midnight on Sept. 30, 1982, David Bowie washed the lipstick from his face, took off his dress to reveal a perfectly ironed suit and tie underneath, and said, 'Gentlemen, let's business.'"
"Most people assume Bowie sold out because he wanted money, but there's another unconfirmed, yet irresistibly logical explanation: He wanted money, probably, but also to piss off a cigar-chomping bastard named Tony Defries."
In a way, this is the most terrifying dragon tattoo a person can have.
"There's an old policy about judging books by their covers, but we can't remember what it was on account of our policy towards memorizing stuff from books that don't have awesome dragons on the cover."
For the rest of us, 'Double Irish' just means filling half of our coffee cup with cheap whiskey because we're broke.
"We don't want to alarm anyone, but there are a lot of shitty people on this planet doing equally shitty things."
Almost every major civilization has had a love affair with a scaly, fake mythological creature, which is a) adorable, and b) intriguing as hell.
"There's also a single word shared by pretty much every language on the planet. It's not a big word. Some have questioned if it is even a proper word at all, but it's one you've uttered in the last week."
Before Marcion, the Christian Bible as we know it did not exist. There was no known segregation between the "Old" (Jewish) and "New" (Christian) Testaments before him.
"We feel like we know the general history of Christianity: Christ was born, he spouted some stuff about free love and messed with the man (the Ro-man), then bada-boom-bada-bing, his followers rule the world. But there are several chapters too awkward, terrifying, or just plain embarrassing for your average Sunday school teacher to handle."
Farewell and thank you, Alan Rickman! You give our stagnant, creaky bones hope yet.
"Rickman was cast as one of the leads in the stage version of the book Les Liaisons Dangereuses. The play was a hit and was soon adapted by Hollywood as Dangerous Liaisons. Boom! Success! Everyone involved in it became internationally famous! Except Rickman, because they replaced him with John Malkovich."
And now that Guillermo del Toro is adapting "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" into a film trilogy, we might as well all go ahead and sink our meager savings into adult diapers.
"Scary Stories is responsible for more psychotherapy than freshman year and clown sex combined."
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