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Uner Tan Syndrome Makes You Walk On All Fours

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You're a grizzled horror-survivor type, the Ash of your own personal Evil Dead universe. Tired after a hard week of demon slaying, you retreat to the backwoods of Turkey to collect yourself and have a much-needed vacation. And then, on your very first day there, you wander the seaside and see these people rapidly advancing:

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Fish Odor Syndrome Can Fill A Building With Your Stench

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Let's be clear right at the top: This isn't just "really bad body odor" -- that's not a horror movie; that's a ride on the subway. No, we're talking about a sudden and mysterious dark, fishy stench that is so persistent that it can fill a freaking auditorium, and no deodorant or perfume can mask it. It's trimethylaminuria, aka fish odor syndrome.

The disorder arises from faulty metabolic processes that lead to an overaccumulation of trimethylamine, a substance that, well, reeks of bad fish. Normally, your body has no trouble metabolizing TMA into less smelly compounds, but a dysfunctional gene can cause the process to fail, so the chemical starts oozing from your skin with all the subtlety of gas station tikka masala. One sufferer called a plumber to investigate the weird smell in her bathroom and complained about the constant stench at her workplace, only to have it explained to her that she was the unwitting bog-monster all along.

Like the shittiest Shyamalan twist of all time.

But at least she could smell it; another victim had to leave her teaching job due to the stench and the constant snickering and teasing it inspired. She was unable to smell it herself (you know how your nose adjusts to smells over time; it's the reason all of your friends' houses have a distinct smell and you think yours doesn't), so she had no way of knowing when it was out of control ... until she saw how everyone reacted when she walked in the room.

Fish odor syndrome affects an estimated one in 40,000 people. It can be genetic or caused by liver and kidney problems. It can lie dormant until adulthood, but in case you're dying to know, doctors can now check you for certain markers. If you're one of the unlucky few, the only way to keep the overbearing odor in some semblance of control is by carefully watching your diet to avoid foods rich in TMA. But, really, that's the scariest part; we're all just one tiny glitch away from a fate like this. Our bodies are walking waste-elimination machines, with thousands of processes running day and night trying to keep it under control. But if even one of them goes awry, suddenly you're the living embodiment of a backed-up sewer line.

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Situational Syncope Can Make You Black Out At The Sight Of Seinfeld

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Characters passing out is a common storytelling trope that generally results in missing time and waking up in strange, new places. It's usually terrifying for the character and tends to mark a major turning point in the story (maybe you were the killer all along!). Apart from hearing heavy footsteps behind you right after having sex in a horror movie, it's one of the worst things that can happen in a fictional universe.

So of course there are people who have to deal with this every day. It's called situational syncope: a spontaneous loss of consciousness and recovery triggered by some of the most bizarrely specific shit imaginable.

It's similar to vasovagal syncope (fainting when your nervous system malfunctions because of a physical or emotional shock, causing your heart to temporarily pump less blood to your brain), but the fainting trigger can be virtually anything, based on various intricacies of outside forces, your blood pressure, and general physical health. If these conditions are just right (or, rather, wrong), you could risk passing out every time you cough. Or exercise. Or swallow something. Or urinate, or poop.

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"I get five-ply now so I can use it as a pillow."

Really think about those; as anyone who has ever attended college can attest, a human being can only handle waking up in a suspicious puddle on the bathroom floor two to three times a week. With situational syncope, you can potentially experience this wonderful moment several times a day, every single day.

And then there is the variation known as recurrent laughter-induced syncope, which is exactly what it sounds like. One case involved an otherwise healthy dude who was struck unconscious by extremely funny jokes. Another, older man suffers from an absurdly specific version of the ailment known as Seinfeld Syncope. His brain's randomized knock-you-the-fuck-out function is triggered by the antics of Jason Alexander as George Costanza. The man found this out when an eyeful of Seinfeld caused him to actually drop face first into his plate of food, where he probably would have suffocated if it wasn't for his wife.

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She had to. He's sponge-worthy.

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Constant Deja Vu Turns Your Life Into A Terrifying Time Loop

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In any movie where the protagonist is lost in the woods (or in a maze, or some alien-infested tunnels) there's always this moment of dread when they look down and see their own footprints from earlier and say, "We've been here before." Now imagine living with the feeling of going in circles all day, every day. No matter what you do, the moment you do it, you feel this jarring sense that you've done the exact thing you're doing and that you're living in a goddamned time loop. It's kind of like Groundhog Day, only without the gift of knowing what's coming -- only after you experience the thing do you say, "Yep, I now remember doing this exact same thing."

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If you're anything like us, your next question should be: "How did I die, and precisely how do I move on from this Purgatory I've been sentenced to?" But for one 23-year-old Brit, the half-assed Shyamalan script described above is harsh, confusing reality. He's otherwise healthy and displays no neurological difficulties but has a constant sense of deja vu. Researchers think it may somehow be due to anxiety, and it has certainly made his existence pretty damn anxious. Deja vu, as you experience it, is just a momentary glitch where your brain tells you that something you've just seen is actually being fed to you by your long-term memory. It feels weird for five seconds and then you move on. This guy can't.

Oh, and this has been going on since freaking 2007, gradually causing him to drop out of university and thoroughly wrecking his life. He has even had a "deja vu of a deja vu" experience -- he tried to get his hair cut, only to deja vu hard about the barber shop, and then Inception that shit into a double deja vu experience ("I remember doing this before, and feeling like I had done it before").

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The condition is rare, to the point of being almost unheard of ... for now. Since the man's story came out in early 2015, other people with similar symptoms have started coming forward. Until slowly all of us will realize that we're all living our lives over and over, in a repeating cycle of circular time, with no escape.

Ready for more reasons to never leave the house? Check out the boner-inducing spider in The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe). Or if you need more reasons not to trust your own body, read 5 Mind-Blowing Ways Your Senses Lie To You Every Day.

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