It's a tough world out there for the job hunter. And who among us hasn't stretched the truth just a little bit in the resume department? Working at Subway counts as a sales job, right?
Actually, your problem may be that you're just not thinking big enough. Sit back and take a lesson from the all-time-great resume bullshitters ...
The Resume:
Highly decorated retired Lt. Col. Jay Cafasso worked as an expert consultant for Fox News during their coverage of the invasion of Afghanistan. And who better to help Fox producers navigate the byzantine insider world of the U.S. military than a man who had served in Vietnam and was honored with the Silver Star for bravery? Cafasso's resume didn't end with the war in Vietnam, either -- in 1980, he was part of "Operation Eagle Claw," the failed secret mission to rescue U.S. hostages in Iran. So he was a member of some losing teams, but you probably can't blame him for that. The point was the man knew war and counter-terrorism first-hand.
The only thing he feared was a toothbrush.
Unfortunately, he was also a bit of a know-it-all dick and his demeanor began to wear on the nerves of some staff members. The Washington bureau chief for Fox News, Kim Hume, finally decided to let him go. Still, his employers held him in high regard -- in an email message to the staff, Hume wrote that Fox's "military and counter-terrorism consultant," Mr. Cafasso, "made crucial contributions to our coverage of the war on terror" and helped take "Fox's war coverage to the next level."
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Brit and Kim Hume play a friendly game of Dueling Strokes for the camera.
The Bullshit:
Cafasso had been let go due to his brusque personality, but what the news hounds at Fox failed to uncover was that Cafasso was a complete fraud.
His only military experience had been 44 days of boot camp in 1976, after which he had been discharged -- presumably for being a dick.
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He also claimed he was The Rock, but he totally wasn't.
It wasn't until an outside researcher who had worked with Cafasso hired investigators to look into his background and brought his findings to the network that the ruse was revealed, after which we can only assume the minds behind Fox News tried to fire Cafasso again. But, hey, at least he was just acting as a war expert for cable news, and didn't have an important job in homeland security or anything ...
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The Resume:
Dr. Laura Callahan literally held one of the most important IT positions in the country as the Department of Homeland Security's Deputy Chief Information Officer. We're talking about the person who managed databases full of information on terrorists here.
And for good reason: She had spent years holding that position with the Department of Labor and had a Ph.D. in computer science along with multiple other degrees.
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She's been playin' since beta, bitches!
And if you didn't know that, she'd be happy to tell you. She made it more than clear to everyone within earshot of her that she was the preeminent expert in her field. She led with a "My Way or the Highway" management style and even the slightest questioning of her knowledge or authority could lead to a reprimand or termination. She demanded to be addressed as "Doctor" at all times and mentioned her degree nine times in her single-page biography.
And why not? She earned that shit.
... Didn't she?
The Bullshit:
Eh, maybe not. After years of this, a low-level employee in the government did some digging and found out that Callahan's Ph.D., and actually all three of her degrees, had been purchased from an online diploma mill within the space of one year. In a cunning move that would impress the highest pedigree of master criminals, Callahan had them all back dated to make it appear she received them at the appropriate points in her career.
Let us remind you: Department of Homeland Security's Deputy Chief Information Officer. That meant Callahan was privy to highly classified material and was responsible for kind of important things like, well, homeland security. All thanks to three fake degrees that managed to fool the federal government but were no match for some random guy with Google.
Gonna have to narrow that down.
Of course this has to make you wonder if other high-level federal employees pulled the same trick. Thankfully the Government Accountability Office looked into it and only found about 500 people who did the same thing, more than half in the Department of Defense.
The Resume:
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, or MIT, is known for two things: being incredibly difficult to get into and having the nerdiest undergrads in the country. So as Dean of Admissions at MIT, Marilee Jones was the gatekeeper for a school known for rigorous admission standards, and as such, had a pretty impressive pedigree herself. She boasted of degrees from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Union College and Albany Medical College, which is more than most evil geniuses.
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Had to settle for his second choice of Sioux Falls Cosmetology School.
In 2001, Jones received MIT's Excellence Award for Leading Change, which recognized Jones' leadership as dean of admissions. She also co-authored the book Less Stress, More Success: A New Approach to Guiding Your Teen Through College Admissions and Beyond.
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We're just going to assume that the other author was Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue.
In an eerily prescient quote from the book, Jones said, "Holding integrity is sometimes very hard to do because the temptation may be to cheat or cut corners. But just remember that 'what goes around comes around,' meaning that life has a funny way of giving back what you put out." And while still holding the position of dean of admissions at MIT, Jones delivered a speech at her daughter's 2006 commencement from Middlesex School, advising the graduates to "create your own reality."
Yeah, you know where this is going.
The Bullshit:
After an anonymous tip to the university, it was revealed that Jones had made up her entire educational history -- she had no degree from any of the three schools she claimed. She had been fudging her credentials while making sure others didn't do the same ... for 28 freaking years.
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That's bullshitting since the disco era, kids.
Yes, not only did MIT fail to catch her when she was hired, but also failed to notice her complete lack of qualifications in all of the years since she started in 1979.
The Resume:
Jeffrey Papows was the President and CEO of Lotus Corp. and if you're picturing a geeky Bill Gates-looking dude in glasses, think again. Based on his backstory, if Top Gun and Jet Li somehow had sex, they would have produced Jeffery Papows.
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When asked for a picture of himself, he sent us this.
His past was as noble as it was badass. He told of his amazing rise from lonely orphaned child to daring Marine flier. He spoke of his black belt in tae kwon do and his Ph.d. from Pepperdine University. And while Papows was tough as nails, he also had a compassionate side -- he talked about how he helped support the widow of a fellow flier who died ejecting from the same disabled F-4 Phantom jet in which Papows survived.
Is that the face of a man who would lie to y- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
The Bullshit:
As you can imagine, the legend of Papows is pure bunk.
After it was revealed that Papows wasn't a Marine Corps captain and had zero flight time while in the service, Papows had lots of backpedaling to do. No, he didn't burst an eardrum when ejecting from a Phantom F-4 and no, there was no dead co-pilot and no widow. It seems he also didn't, as he had claimed, save a buddy by throwing a live grenade out of a trench.
Papows was also not a tae kwon do black belt, and he didn't have a Ph.D. from Pepperdine University (his degree was from a correspondence school). And to the great relief of at least two people, Papows was not an orphan. His parents were alive and well, living not too far away from his offices in Massachusetts.
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They declined to comment.
It's all pretty funny, the idea of this pompous blowhard running a Fortune 500 company on fumes of manufactured glory from yesteryear. Wait, did we mention that Papows used his war hero claims to secure sales to the U.S. military? They really just don't check up on anybody, do they?
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The Resume:
If you ever wondered what Ferris Bueller would be like if he grew up and went to work at a law firm, we're pretty sure Brian Valery has shown us.
Yeah, we can actually see that.
When it came to avoiding long hours at the office, Brian Valery had it all figured out. While working as legal assistant for the prestigious law firm Anderson, Kill & Olick, Valery informed his bosses that he would be attending Fordham law school at night, and therefore needed to leave work early each day. After three years, Valery told his bosses that he finally passed the bar exam and was admitted to the New York State Bar.
Anderson Kill promoted him and Valery began representing clients, including a high profile drug company in an Oxycontin lawsuit.
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Oxycontin was pissed, and someone was going to have to pay up.
The Bullshit:
Somehow, the very strict vetting process at Anderson Kill failed to uncover that Valery not only wasn't a member of the Bar, there's no record that he ever applied or sat for the bar exam in New York or even set foot in a Fordham Law School classroom, for which he was clocking out early each night to attend. It was only through a tip by an old undergraduate classmate (from a university that Valery didn't graduate from either) that Valery's ruse was exposed.
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The bar Valery actually sat for.
According to later accounts, Valery did a very good job portraying a typical first or second year lawyer, in that he pretty much sucked. After cutting through his bullshit, Anderson Kill fired him and then sued him for $284,000, claiming the amount of money he defrauded them in salary differential. Valery was also prosecuted and indicted on 32 counts of fraud, including grand larceny. Holy crap! Don't screw over a law firm, kids.
The Resume:
An interview with an eight-year-old heroin addict entitled "Jimmy's World" landed Washington Post reporter Janet Cooke the coveted Pulitzer Prize for Journalism. Just a year earlier, Cooke had applied at the Post with an impressive resume that included a Phi Beta Kappa degree from Vassar College. Executive editor Ben Bradlee was so taken with this fact that he underlined it before forwarding the resume to managing editor, Bob Woodward (yes, that Bob Woodward), who in turn hired Cooke. Hell, on top of everything else, the woman even spoke three languages -- English, French and Spanish.
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You can't fool the greatest investigative reporter who ever lived ... can you?
Immediately after Cooke's gripping tale of the eight-year-old dope addict was published, Washington, D.C., went apeshit searching for little Jimmy. Mayor Marion Barry assigned a special task force to locate the young boy -- presumably to ask him if they shared the same dealer. All schools, social services and police contacts were put on high alert. Word went out on the streets that big reward money was available for tips leading to the pint-size addict's whereabouts, presumably after the idea to leave a trail of heroin baggies into a cleverly disguised net trap was unanimously voted down.
But after a 17 day exhaustive search, Jimmy still couldn't be located. When pressed, Cooke refused to divulge any information that would help find him. She explained that she "needed to protect her sources" and was also worried about "her own safety" from vindictive drug dealers.
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Vindictive drug dealers were not available for comment.
The Bullshit:
Finally, rumors began to circulate that "Jimmy" didn't exist and that Cooke had simply made him up. Even though Cooke wouldn't reveal her source and was quite dodgy about how/where the interview came to be, Woodward and the Washington Post stood firmly behind her.
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Bob Woodward. The man who took down the Nixon administration.
In the midst of all this heat coming down on her, when it came time to fill out her Pulitzer application Cooke swung for the fences, scrutiny be damned. While Cooke's original resume cited her ability to speak French and Spanish, on her new one Portuguese and Italian were added to her growing linguistic repertoire. Her single (fake) award from the Ohio Newspaper Women's Association blossomed into six separate awards, along with another from the Ohio AP. The newly improved bio also showed that she graduated magna cum laude from Vassar in 1976 (she was only there one year) and attended the Sorbonne in 1975.
Via Wikimedia Commons
"And also, I invented the modern map."
After winning the Pulitzer, Cooke's newly enhanced biography appeared on the AP wire. Noting that the Pulitzer resume was even more fantabulous than the one they saw when hiring her, the higher-ups at the Washington Post finally decided to question her.
Even after a lengthy interrogation, Cooke stuck firmly to her story. So what finally caused her to come clean, causing her Pulitzer to be revoked and her to resign from the Washington Post?
Someone finally thought to ask her some simple questions in French and it was obvious that she had no idea what was being said. And ... no one thought to do that before? Why the hell aren't our employers this trusting?
You can read more from Diana on her Tumblr or follow her on Twitter
For more bullshit that everyone bought, check out The 5 Most Ridiculous Lies Ever Published as Non-Fiction and 7 Movies Based on a True Story (That Are Complete Bullshit).
Diana Cook