COMMANDER IN ASS-KICKING!
The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time
With President's Day right around the corner, it's important for us to remind you to live in constant fear of a Teddy Roosevelt zombie uprising.
Notable Comment: A lot of the comments for this article complained that we didn't mention Roosevelt's tendency to hold illegal, occasionally eye-blinding boxing matches in the White House. We just want to say, we know about Roosevelt's boxing matches, we know all about them. Their omission was a safety measure; if we crammed anymore Badass into this article, every computer on the planet would explode, a zombie Roosevelt would rise from the dead and bone the girlfriends of every guy who read this article. (It's in all the history books.) Yeah. You're welcome.
A Valentine's Day Parent Teacher Conference
Those Aren't Muskets! and Cracked blogger Gladstone bring you a parent-teacher conference gone horribly awry ... Or, wait, not "awry." "Scorchingly Erotic." That's the one.
YOU YOU YOU!
Inappropriate Children's Books
Well, when we proposed this contest, we really opened the doors for submission after submission dealing with child rape or torture in exhaustive detail and we got them. And we mean by the boat-load, folks. Do we know our audience or what? Anyhow, someone on this list made real-live money. Wouldn't you like to be that guy? Check out this week's contest about regrettable bumper stickers.Let's see you put child rape on a bumper sticker, smart guys.
late Roy Scheider is, or how to pronounce his name, for that matter. Also, platypuses. Finally, we've got the week in douchebaggery. It's the only news station brave enough to call Aretha Franklin a douchebag. We're just saying what everyone's thinking.
Even though she was tempted, Sarah decided to hold out for a man made of pure
"I'm from the future, come with me if I want to live. See that guy in red over
there, he's the Terminator. No really... Hey stop laughing bitch... I'll fucking cut
Attaining sperm from the near-extinct Barbershop Dolphin was difficult work, but
that's why Steve made the big bucks.
Colossus pulled out the dipstick and was relieved to see there was still some
human in the gas tank.
"Hey is that girl a ma.."
"I can totaly see his p.."
Somewhere in bird heaven, the last blue emu looks down in bitter disapointment.
Coming soon to PS3- Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City
"Art thou talking to me? Art thou talking to me?"
Despite trying his best to be incognito, even driving a car instead of flying,
Magneto still wasn't too hard to find.
Fact 1: That little blue car is in fact driving towards them.
Fact 2: Its driven by John McClane.
Fact 3: This photo was the last one the helicopter pilot would ever take.
The menu on Omar's kabob truck confused most people, but the dead dove was
"Are you sure this is the easiest way to measure the rink?"
"Yes. Go get more bears."
And thus, the bloodiest war Sergeant Snuggles had ever fought in ended in defeat.
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