A Freakin' Valentine's Weekend Round-up
If the Cracked audience is made up of the kind of people we think it is, no one is reading this round-up right now. As we understand it, our audience is loaded with successful, stunningly attractive, wealthy, hip young swingers and, since it's Valentine's Day Weekend, you will all no doubt be out gallivanting and having sexual intercourse often and indiscriminately. So we're just going to cut this round-up short. There's no point in listing the best articles of the week if no one's going to be around to read them, right? See ya later, folks.
On the off chance that we've missed the mark a bit, if, for example, a substantial portion of our audience is not out boning like crazy and is, instead, sitting in front of their computers pining over the same six pictures of the Snorg T -shirt models all weekend, we suppose we'll continue with this round-up. Just in case.
Maybe if you actually read the blog more often, you wouldn't be wasting your Saturday reading an article about a blog. Are we implying that a beautiful, sex-filled relationship is a natural side effect of reading the blog? No.
We are guaran-fucking-teeing it.
Anyway, this week in blogging, Gladstone unveils this rare interview with the notoriously-hairy Amy Winehouse. Also, meet the newest member of the Cracked Blog family, Jason Roeder, and make him feel welcome. Also, check out this video about the writer's strike that Mike Swaim uncovered that is totally real and not at all made up ... Now that's an expensive hat.
DON'T BUY THESE!
14 Valentine's Day Gifts Guaranteed To Not Get You Laid
Also, when she dumps your stupid ass, what are you gonna do with all those Cocksox? You never think things through. That's why she dumped you. (Also, you bought yourself Cocksox for Valentine's Day.)
Notable Comment: Xvbones says, "I am totally buying that pig." What is "Things the producers of The View said last year when they saw Rosie O'Donnell's audition tape?"
Thanks, folks, goodnight!
If Valentine's Day Cards Were Honest
Perfect for anniversaries and break ups, too.
Notable Comment: MaxProwess says "What the fuck? I'm 100% sure this thing is a year old. You should be ashamed of yourselves for trying to pass this for a new article." You know, you're right. Your comment was well-thought out and it didn't make you sound like a baby at all and, frankly, it touched us. We are ashamed and we are deeply, deeply sorry. For your troubles, please enjoy this brand new replacement article.
The 5 Ballsiest Con Artists of All Time
Rumor has it that everyone on this list had to have specially-made pants that catered to their specific testicular-humongosis issues. (That means they had giant balls. Yes, we really want to drive this point home.)
Notable Comment: Joker10687 summed up the comments section quite nicely: "(random overly dramatic political statement here) Also, nice article."
HOLLYWOOD THINKS YOU'RE STUPID!
The Top 5 Ways Hollywood Tricks You Into Seeing Bad Movies
More like "Hollywould do just about anything to get you to see their shitty movies," right? Are we right? Can we get an amen on this? No? Not even a little one? Hallelujah, anyone?
Luke says: "I almost rented that Pirates XXX movie while shopping with my family." Same thing happened to us if by "almost" you meant "repeatedly" and if by "shopping with my family" you meant "touching ourselves." But, then, you probably didn't mean that, otherwise you would've said it.
COMMANDER IN ASS-KICKING!
The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time
With President's Day right around the corner, it's important for us to remind you to live in constant fear of a Teddy Roosevelt zombie uprising.
Notable Comment: A lot of the comments for this article complained that we didn't mention Roosevelt's tendency to hold illegal, occasionally eye-blinding boxing matches in the White House. We just want to say, we know about Roosevelt's boxing matches, we know all about them. Their omission was a safety measure; if we crammed anymore Badass into this article, every computer on the planet would explode, a zombie Roosevelt would rise from the dead and bone the girlfriends of every guy who read this article. (It's in all the history books.) Yeah. You're welcome.
A Valentine's Day Parent Teacher Conference
Those Aren't Muskets! and Cracked blogger Gladstone bring you a parent-teacher conference gone horribly awry ... Or, wait, not "awry." "Scorchingly Erotic." That's the one.
YOU YOU YOU!
Inappropriate Children's Books
Well, when we proposed this contest, we really opened the doors for submission after submission dealing with child rape or torture in exhaustive detail and we got them. And we mean by the boat-load, folks. Do we know our audience or what? Anyhow, someone on this list made real-live money. Wouldn't you like to be that guy? Check out this week's contest about regrettable bumper stickers.Let's see you put child rape on a bumper sticker, smart guys.
late Roy Scheider is, or how to pronounce his name, for that matter. Also, platypuses. Finally, we've got the week in douchebaggery. It's the only news station brave enough to call Aretha Franklin a douchebag. We're just saying what everyone's thinking.
Even though she was tempted, Sarah decided to hold out for a man made of pure
"I'm from the future, come with me if I want to live. See that guy in red over
there, he's the Terminator. No really... Hey stop laughing bitch... I'll fucking cut
Attaining sperm from the near-extinct Barbershop Dolphin was difficult work, but
that's why Steve made the big bucks.
Colossus pulled out the dipstick and was relieved to see there was still some
human in the gas tank.
"Hey is that girl a ma.."
"I can totaly see his p.."
Somewhere in bird heaven, the last blue emu looks down in bitter disapointment.
Coming soon to PS3- Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City
"Art thou talking to me? Art thou talking to me?"
Despite trying his best to be incognito, even driving a car instead of flying,
Magneto still wasn't too hard to find.
Fact 1: That little blue car is in fact driving towards them.
Fact 2: Its driven by John McClane.
Fact 3: This photo was the last one the helicopter pilot would ever take.
The menu on Omar's kabob truck confused most people, but the dead dove was
"Are you sure this is the easiest way to measure the rink?"
"Yes. Go get more bears."
And thus, the bloodiest war Sergeant Snuggles had ever fought in ended in defeat.