PaulTMD
Attaining sperm from the near-extinct Barbershop Dolphin was difficult work, but that's why Steve made the big bucks.
LardLad
Dewey was given the great honor of adjusting the bendy straws for our giant alien overlords.
flyingmnky
You know, those guys over at Anonymous might just have a point about Scientology...
flyingmnky
Ironically, after he pulled it, Bobby found himself stuck on the Stop The World I Want To Get Off switch...
MarchoMan
While most people might use a banana, a pepper grinder or maybe a beer bottle to make lude and suggestive gesticulations, Chris had to search high and low for objects that gave a more accurate indication.
Shmichael
Taking a run at it, William jumped towards the pole. "Dammit," said WIlliam, "It missed my anus yet AGIAN!"
KermitChambers
Testing for the revised voting system in the upcoming election held very little promise.
jic
The rare wild candy cane is much larger and more aggressive than its domestic cousin.
BubbaLove
Tommy was on the cusp of proving time travel was INDEED possible. Yes, he would show them all!
Roland1232
Colossus pulled out the dipstick and was relieved to see there was still some human in the gas tank.
TillyKGB
Overcome with grief about the naughty list, Santa instructed his dim-whitted elf, Herby, to aim the "Candy Cannon" towards Los Angeles.
TurdFerguson
This would have been the greatest Jacob's Ladder experiment of all-time, if this guy had any idea what the damn thing was.
TillyKGB
Of all the successful promotional items, none caused more injury lawsuits than the "Official Where's Waldo Lightening Rod."
Fairview
One upside to parenting a severely retarded teenager is that you can take them ANYWHERE and say it's Disneyland.
thundergod989
Not one to be outdone, Jeremy set out to beat Jenna Jameson's record for pole riding.
MuscleMilk
Our specimen here, affectionately named Dummy, displays the mating dance exhibited by toll booth workers all over the world....simply beautiful
BubbaLove
A young George Lucas shooting test scenes for a little movie that would become known as "Star Wars" a few years later.
CrenTIScO
It was starting to become apparent that Survivor was running out of challenge ideas.
Roland1232
Larry was starting to suspect he might be the victim of a hoax, and that this was not in fact the best way to get mayo stains out of his pants.
namesnatcher
Quick! my uncle Jack is stuck on the pole! Will someone help my uncle Jack off?
Quellish
Filling the swimming pool with gin and vermouth was easy and now he had the swizzle stick as well. The tricky part was going to be finding an olive the size of a watermelon.
PaulTMD
As his performance wound down, Steve was disappointed to find a paltry $3.04 on the stage below.
Roger Rogerson
It wasn't until too late that David realised a thunderstorm probably wasn't the best time to try out his new radio transmitter.
TheDenv
When Archimedes first tried his experiment, he realised he lacked one key piece. "Give me a place to stand and I'll move the Earth!" he shouted. Unfortunately his assistants couldn't hear him, and the Earth remained where it was.
crispy
Not only was it a coincidence that the javelin landed in a footlight, but the innocent bystander latching on was a bit strange as well.
TillyKGB
Whispers of "senile" were heard around the workshop after Santa unveiled the new "Candy Lightening Rod."
joelegge
"sometimes mr olivander can be a dickhead" thought harry when he was handed his new wand
Tidybowlman
After hanging from that pole all day, his next trip to the bathroom somehow became depressing.
Ken Buddha
Years later, Zach would often muse bitterly to anybody willing to listen, "If I'd only used a beautiful woman for the demonstration, extreme pole dancing would have been huge!"
abaum
Little did we know that when Tom asked if we wanted to play "Where's Waldo" that it was a euphemism for his penis.
Tidybowlman
proving yet again that line dancers are THE most annoying people, Joey led Y-M-C-A with his legs just to show off
vidism7
REGRETING THE FACT THAT HE NEEDED TO WORK...STILL, BEING A HUMAN METRONOME SUCKED ASS
nuro
as it turns out, jesus's return from the heavens wasnt as spectacular as we had hoped..and it was a little gay
OlDirtyBen
"Go ahead, grab the pole!", they said. "What could happen?", they said. Fucking LOST writers.
zoidbergMD
As the Russian bombers moved in, Santa frantically sent his elves to man the anti-aircraft cannons.
lindsey_k86
As tempting as it originally looked, Jeremy sincerely regretted sticking his dick in the candy cane machine.
toscata
No matter how hard Gulliver shook, he just couldn’t get the Lilliputian of his favorite pair of glasses.
phreesh
Yes, the pen was impressive, but Jane couldn't help feeling that Jack was overcompensating for something...
kshipley
As he hung on for dear life Jack thought: "Gettin eatin by the Giant is one thing, but drowning in his milk shake would just be embarassing."
emossy
Johnny tries to escape the demon barber by pole volting to safety - with disastrous results...
OlDirtyBen
If Willy Wonka was a giant, this is what his junk would look like. It was nice of this jaunty homosexual to give us a frame of reference for scale.
TheFreeBird
Little did he know, Gary had unintentionally discovered Extreme Pole Dancing
boydman18
Finally coming down from the longest LSD trip of his life, Tom realized that this in fact was NOT the end of a level of Mario Brothers.
TonytheEE
Mark wanted to become more energy efficient and sought to harness lighting, but, being an inept kite flyer, he filled his pockets with D batteries, and signaled Charlie to raise the pole.
PaulTMD
Gary's attempts to compete with Cirque du Soleil took a turn for the worse when he failed to line up any fellow performers.
cigjonser
Once John turned 13 Michael never invited him back to Neverland. 10 years later, John still hadn't got over it.
awdragon
In the new live action "Where's Waldo?" movie, this is the part where the freak accident gives him his superpowers.
Calciphoce
After so many double doggy dares to lick it, the north poll finally got fed up.
thundergod989
Not one to be outdone, Jeremy set out to beat Jenna Jameson's previous pole riding record.
Corpsy
The winner of tomorrow's caption contest will receive a lifetime supply of these things! One should suffice.
anonym
the moment that the rest of the traffic force found out that stan also moonlighted as an acrobatic pole dancer..
Corpsy
Billy Ray only need remove his garish belt buckle to be free of the electromagnetic pull, but that buckle cost him $9.40 at the county fair dime toss, and he wasn't about to give it up without a fight.
Roland1232
Taking a page from the Indian Rope trick, local firemen double yearly budgets by doing away with the second floor.
detroitsmisterx
After years of unemployment, the Krazy Glue hanging guy finally found a new career with the Igloo Sticky Straw Company...but it just wasn't the same.
abaum
Little did we know that when Tom asked if we wanted to play "Where's Waldo" it was really an euphemism for his penis.
vasrchr
Chad was forever banned from future North Pole expeditions as Ytube photos solved the mystery of who broke the Pole.
what_the!?
"I'm telling you, the guys at Cracked will make an awesome dick joke about this!"
jamasian_man
Santa wanted to punish the naughty with the candy cane cannon, but Jacob did not agree.
Fairview
With the Decepticons closing in, Shia LaBeouf does his best to tame Optimus Prime's "morning wood."
diddy0071
In the year 2050, SUVS have become so big, that it has become insane to jack up the vehicle and change the tire.
Gamer.Elite
Nintendo's next innovation in Mario games: Actually acting out famous events from the iconic NES classic.
HomerJ
You should see the size of the lollipop we give King Kong after these vaccinations!
Geloti
Unfortunately for Dave, winning the north pole strip tease contest was not as glamorous as he thought.
tekdirek
The 7:00AM train came ahead of schedule, so Jimbo couldn't finish humping that pole in time.
FezBoy
"Borrowers for parking attendants" - The latest failed government "equal opportunities" initiative.
scarecrow8
Unfortunately, it was Alex's turn this year to check the temperature in the big-ass turkey with the big-ass thermometer...
Rand0mM0nkey
Not satisfied with mankinds progress on the space elevator thus far, Bob decided to take up the task himself.
AgentArchAngel
And now, the unveiling of the world's largest rectal thermometer, with your host: Jim Carrey.
bionicbigfoot
On the set of Cloverfield 2 stuntman Dave Dingus protrays monster proctologist Eugene Wrektim.
dumb_blondchick
WTF? hey guys, this is definitely NOT the world's biggest candy cane! hey, where are you going?! guys!
infernocanuck
Even with public demonstrations, Kevin's "All-male Poledancing Studio and Barbershop" just couldn't make it off the ground.
apologetickid
Jim came to a conclusion that day: Next time I'll just ask Jeeves "what does the top of a moving train look like?"
vicfureur
James was determied to climb his way up to Heaven to see his life parter Steve. Little does he know, the Gods don't aprove.
TragicallySane
Toyota Tacoma: $16,000 Pirelli Tires: $1,000 Flags From China: $24 Showing your love for America: Priceless!
Tidybowlman
yes, Francis ignored the Daring protocol again and went right over the double-dog dare going straight to the dreaded triple-dog-dare. Ralphie was never seen again....
jackhammer2113
It is a little known fact that Benjamin Franklin was actually struck by lightning TWICE. The first of these incidents coming while working as an intern at the local radio station. Boss: "LEFT! LEFT! MY lEFT! Holy shit this kid's stupid."
infernocanuck
And, Despite public demsontration, Kevin just couldn't drum up business for his "Mens-Only Poledancing Studio and Barbershop"
ChopDog
Jim always liked the funny feeling he got in his pants when he slid down the rope in gym class, but that was nothing compared to this!
cabletv
The excitement over the new "Wind Shield Wiper Ride" at the county fair dissipated quickly as Ted, known mostly for his weight guessing skills, attempted to demonstrate how holding on lower to the base increases the lenght of the rid.
Moose27
bill always thought it would be a great idea to climb the antenna of a skyscraper...but right now all he can think is...oh shit.
ibanezfoo
So there I was, flying through the air on my candy cane when all of a sudden............
w4c3y
Working part time at a male strip-bar payed off for Joe when the situation called for his expertise.
BogusBob
Once a gay parking lot security guard, always a gay parking lot security guard.
charl23
Sure, yanking out the North Pole seemed like a funny idea until the Earth suddenly went flying in the opposite direction like a popped balloon.
Your#1Friend
Sometimes the barrier gets stuck and manually has to come down...We draw straws to see who goes up.
Chromius
Now that he finally posesses the worlds largest probe, Ted Bryne must trap, kill and enbalm the world largest frog to spin on the probe in the world's largest biology class.
Chromius
"Now to find Frogzilla and stick the worlds largest probe up his ass. This will be the greatest biology class stunt EVER!"
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