As we've noted previously, unexplained phenomena really do exist. There are things out there that our limited human intellect will simply never be able to comprehend. Unfortunately, these aren't some of them. Once again, here are some "creepy mysteries" we found perfectly logical explanations for, and in an astronomical coincidence, it turns out they're all reeeeally stupid.
#7. The Latest Image of the Loch Ness Monster ... Is a Boat
Have you ever wondered why those who still believe in the ridiculously drawn out urban legend that is the Loch Ness monster don't look for him in satellite images, now that that's a thing anyone with a phone can do? Well, they did try that recently, and- OH SHIT, THERE IT IS.
This Godzilla viral marketing is getting out of hand.
As you can plainly see in those images, that can only be the Loch Ness monster itself swimming underwater. After nearly a century of suspense, Andy Dixon found the fabled creature using Apple Maps and immediately contacted the Official Loch Ness Monster Club (which is not a thing we just made up). Their conclusion? Definitely old Nessie. Some haters on the Internet pointed out that the figure could be a boat, but a representative from the OLNMC replied that they "showed it to boat experts and they don't know what it is."
What those experts apparently didn't know is that, like Google, Apple blurs their satellite images to remove identifying features, resulting in boats disappearing and leaving only their vague outline. So ... yeah, Nessie still isn't real, as has been confirmed for decades.
DaveWood111 via sploid.gizmodo.com
"Yes, but is there proof that the boat isn't manned by lizard Bigfoots?"
#6. The Mysterious Black Ring Floating in the Sky ... Is Smoke
When you see a strange dark object hovering in the sky above you with no apparent source, what's the first thing you do? Shoot a goddamn vertical video of it and upload it to YouTube like a goddamn boss, that's what.
The true mystery is the weird mental condition preventing people from turning their phone sideways.
A teenager recorded that mysterious black ring in April when it appeared in the sky over Warwick, England, leaving witnesses staring up at it with one buried thought in the back of their minds clawing to the surface: "How much longer until this thing kills us?" Witnesses speculated that the strange phenomenon was anything from an alien UFO to a (massively overweight) ghostly spirit, and weather experts further drew out their paranoia when they confirmed that it wasn't weather-related. When interviewed by HuffPo, one "UFO expert" ruled it either a pack of millions of bees or witchcraft. And somewhere, someone was rooting for "the ghosts of magical alien bees."
But what was it, really? We may never know for su- oh, we already do? It's called a vortex ring, which, despite sounding like a portal to another dimension, is just a ring of smoke that travels at a constant speed until it gets too tired to keep going and just sorta stays suspended there, which in this case resulted from a local business testing out its fireworks effects. Here's another one:
Coincidentally, it was downwind of the stage of that night's Snoop Lion show.
#5. Mars' Moving Rock Fungus ... Is Just Roadkill
Ninety-nine percent of the time, the Mars Rover Curiosity's daily upload of pics is like the Instagram account of a teenager: extremely repetitive and filled with craters. However, last January, NASA scientists spat out their coffee simultaneously as they found a set of images that they couldn't understand: Something, somehow, had moved a rock on Mars.
NASA/JPL-Caltech/Cornell Univ./Arizona State Univ.
And then apparently Marvin the Martian wiped his ass with it.
Media outlets were abuzz with the find, and NASA scientists found themselves stumped by the doughnut-shaped rock that had appeared out of nowhere. Could it have been an alien messing around with the rover and kicking rocks in its way? Or maybe it was the discovery of a race of sentient Martian rocks that travel the surface of the red planet by rolling around? One self-proclaimed "astrobiologist" took the find so seriously that he sued NASA for not investigating it further, certain that the "rock" was actually the first Martian mushroom-like fungus ever found.
What other explanation could there be? It's not like the rover itself could have disturbed the terrain while-
"Asshole didn't even leave a note."
Oh. Yeah, NASA determined that's exactly what happened: The rover had run over the rock and knocked it out of place. Which, in retrospect, was kinda obvious, so we're not sure why everyone didn't just start there.
#4. Shining UFOs Flying Over Unsuspecting Deer ... Are Just a Reflection
Last February, Rainer and Edith Shattles of Jackson County, Mississippi, set up some cameras against a few trees out in the woods, for reasons we can only assume must center on certain candid deer photo fetishes. But what they found was enough to tuck in the strange boners of any pervert within a 50-mile radius -- above the deer in the middle of the night were two shining lights, like headlights, except there's no road there.
"Clearly it's a Predator in malfunctioning camouflage. No possible non-Schwarzenegger explanations exist."
The Shattles, all of their neighbors, and the local news were baffled by the images, with the most popular guess being "It's aliens," but even if it wasn't, it was definitely some sort of UFO. A government drone, perhaps, or maybe Obama himself fluttering around in the night taking pictures of wildlife?
Not according to the camera's manufacturers, who see those creepy lights all the time ... because they're just the reflection of the deer's eyes bouncing inside of the lens. Also, a second camera caught a side view of what's apparently the same deer standing there with no UFOs in sight.
"How about letting me shit in peace? Goddamn perverts."