7 Creepy Mysteries With Really Dumb Explanations (Pt. 3)
As we've noted previously, unexplained phenomena really do exist. There are things out there that our limited human intellect will simply never be able to comprehend. Unfortunately, these aren't some of them. Once again, here are some "creepy mysteries" we found perfectly logical explanations for, and in an astronomical coincidence, it turns out they're all reeeeally stupid.
The Latest Image of the Loch Ness Monster ... Is a Boat
Have you ever wondered why those who still believe in the ridiculously drawn out urban legend that is the Loch Ness monster don't look for him in satellite images, now that that's a thing anyone with a phone can do? Well, they did try that recently, and- OH SHIT, THERE IT IS.
This Godzilla viral marketing is getting out of hand.
As you can plainly see in those images, that can only be the Loch Ness monster itself swimming underwater. After nearly a century of suspense, Andy Dixon found the fabled creature using Apple Maps and immediately contacted the Official Loch Ness Monster Club (which is not a thing we just made up). Their conclusion? Definitely old Nessie. Some haters on the Internet pointed out that the figure could be a boat, but a representative from the OLNMC replied that they "showed it to boat experts and they don't know what it is."
What those experts apparently didn't know is that, like Google, Apple blurs their satellite images to remove identifying features, resulting in boats disappearing and leaving only their vague outline. So ... yeah, Nessie still isn't real, as has been confirmed for decades.
"Yes, but is there proof that the boat isn't manned by lizard Bigfoots?"
The Mysterious Black Ring Floating in the Sky ... Is Smoke
When you see a strange dark object hovering in the sky above you with no apparent source, what's the first thing you do? Shoot a goddamn vertical video of it and upload it to YouTube like a goddamn boss, that's what.
The true mystery is the weird mental condition preventing people from turning their phone sideways.
A teenager recorded that mysterious black ring in April when it appeared in the sky over Warwick, England, leaving witnesses staring up at it with one buried thought in the back of their minds clawing to the surface: "How much longer until this thing kills us?" Witnesses speculated that the strange phenomenon was anything from an alien UFO to a (massively overweight) ghostly spirit, and weather experts further drew out their paranoia when they confirmed that it wasn't weather-related. When interviewed by HuffPo, one "UFO expert" ruled it either a pack of millions of bees or witchcraft. And somewhere, someone was rooting for "the ghosts of magical alien bees."
But what was it, really? We may never know for su- oh, we already do? It's called a vortex ring, which, despite sounding like a portal to another dimension, is just a ring of smoke that travels at a constant speed until it gets too tired to keep going and just sorta stays suspended there, which in this case resulted from a local business testing out its fireworks effects. Here's another one:
Coincidentally, it was downwind of the stage of that night's Snoop Lion show.
Mars' Moving Rock Fungus ... Is Just Roadkill
Ninety-nine percent of the time, the Mars Rover Curiosity's daily upload of pics is like the Instagram account of a teenager: extremely repetitive and filled with craters. However, last January, NASA scientists spat out their coffee simultaneously as they found a set of images that they couldn't understand: Something, somehow, had moved a rock on Mars.
And then apparently Marvin the Martian wiped his ass with it.
Media outlets were abuzz with the find, and NASA scientists found themselves stumped by the doughnut-shaped rock that had appeared out of nowhere. Could it have been an alien messing around with the rover and kicking rocks in its way? Or maybe it was the discovery of a race of sentient Martian rocks that travel the surface of the red planet by rolling around? One self-proclaimed "astrobiologist" took the find so seriously that he sued NASA for not investigating it further, certain that the "rock" was actually the first Martian mushroom-like fungus ever found.
What other explanation could there be? It's not like the rover itself could have disturbed the terrain while-
"Asshole didn't even leave a note."
Oh. Yeah, NASA determined that's exactly what happened: The rover had run over the rock and knocked it out of place. Which, in retrospect, was kinda obvious, so we're not sure why everyone didn't just start there.
Shining UFOs Flying Over Unsuspecting Deer ... Are Just a Reflection
Last February, Rainer and Edith Shattles of Jackson County, Mississippi, set up some cameras against a few trees out in the woods, for reasons we can only assume must center on certain candid deer photo fetishes. But what they found was enough to tuck in the strange boners of any pervert within a 50-mile radius -- above the deer in the middle of the night were two shining lights, like headlights, except there's no road there.
"Clearly it's a Predator in malfunctioning camouflage. No possible non-Schwarzenegger explanations exist."
The Shattles, all of their neighbors, and the local news were baffled by the images, with the most popular guess being "It's aliens," but even if it wasn't, it was definitely some sort of UFO. A government drone, perhaps, or maybe Obama himself fluttering around in the night taking pictures of wildlife?
Not according to the camera's manufacturers, who see those creepy lights all the time ... because they're just the reflection of the deer's eyes bouncing inside of the lens. Also, a second camera caught a side view of what's apparently the same deer standing there with no UFOs in sight.
"How about letting me shit in peace? Goddamn perverts."
The Captured Baby Chupacabra ... Is Just a Hairless Raccoon
A family from Ratcliffe, Texas, recently found a little someone digging through their trash, eating corn, only to realize it wasn't a dog or a hobo like they probably thought -- it was the mythical vampiric chupacabra! In cute baby form! Seriously, look at this adorable/terrifying li'l guy:
"Parma says one of the signs it's not a raccoon is its growl." -actual quote
At last, the legend of the goat-sucking monster is confirmed, and the journalistic integrity of the Weekly World News vindicated. But why was the chupacabra eating corn instead of sucking blood from other animals? Is it on a diet? Actually, it's because the animal's mandibles couldn't possibly suck anyone's blood ... because it's a raccoon without hair. While most raccoons are identified by the bandit-like mask on their head, once they lose their hair due to a disease like mange, it gets pretty difficult to tell the difference between them and an oversized rat. Or, you know, a baby chupacabra.
In fact, mange plus any animal is probably the reason for 90 percent of all monster mythos out there, as this photo of a completely normal bear going through a punk rock phase demonstrates:
"Dude, let it go."
"Shut up. Sigourney Weaver's going to pop out of there any second now. Watch."
Real-Life Fairies Photographed by Professor ... Turn Out to Be Flies
Last April, Professor John Hyatt from Lancashire, England, decided to take a stroll at dusk and took some pictures along the way. When he revealed them, he found out why there were probably Disney tunes playing at super-low volume all along his trip: He had accidentally stumbled upon a bunch of real-life fairies fluttering about.
And thus millions of trashy tattoos are rendered inaccurate.
Unmistakable with two legs, two arms, two wings, and presumably two gazongas if he could just zoom in enough, the tiny flying creatures visible in Hyatt's photos could have been nothing short of fairies. Hyatt contacted local media outlets and named his collection of photos the Rossendale Fairies, which he then put on display at the local museum. The professor claimed that he compared the fairies to pictures of flies, but they just didn't look the same. To lend credence to his theory, he also quoted Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's long-held belief that fairies were real ...
... which is fitting, considering that Doyle was famously duped by one of the dumbest hoaxes ever, and these fairies are about as real as those. It turns out that there's more than one type of fly, and an expert pointed out that these are clearly midges, with their long legs and long "arms" that reach out past their wings, and their tendency to dance around like idiots when trying to get laid.
A concept unfamiliar to us sophisticated humans.
The Bolivian Ghost Phasing Through a Stadium ... Is Just a Guy Running to His Seat
A few weeks ago, a video taken during a soccer match in Bolivia went viral for reasons other than the goals: A mysterious black figure was seen running through the stands. As in, literally through them.
Sadly, none of the announcers commemorated the event by yelling "GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST!"
The black figure seems to run at an unnaturally fast pace directly through throngs of audience members, none of them noticing the creature passing through their bodies. Online media outlets and YouTube commenters declared it a ghost, because otherwise how could it cut directly through barriers in the seats? So, did the ghost come back to the human world to enjoy one last soccer match, or was it simply on its way to a haunting appointment in Peru?
Neither, because what the viral video omits is the part right before the "ghost" starts running, when you see it walking down the stairs like your average person, even skipping to avoid someone, before beginning his quick sprint:
"Out of the way; I don't want to miss the 30 seconds where soccer is actually interesting."
But how do you explain the way he passed through people and barriers? Simple -- he didn't. If you look at pictures of La Paz stadium, you can see that there's a walkway right where the figure was found running.
But ... but the X-Files music on the video!
As for why the guy was in such a rush, now that we realize that this is turning into a normal soccer story, we find ourselves actively not caring.
The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.