Whether it's Frank Drebin stabbing a fish with a priceless pen or Inspector Clouseau versus a Steinway piano, no slapstick comedy is complete without the hero inadvertently devaluing some priceless relic through charming buffoonery. But if you thought such over-the-top destruction could only exist in a Mr. Bean movie, you were wrong -- sometimes life imitates art, and sometimes that art involves some clumsy dildo juggling vases.
#4. Museum Guard Sits in Napoleon's Chair, Promptly Breaks It
Being a security guard in a museum isn't as exciting as Ben Stiller would have us believe -- standing for eight hours straight in an adult-size Boy Scout uniform can get pretty tedious, especially when you have a comfy-looking chair right there. That was the situation for a French guard who recently gave in to leg cramps and decided to rest his haunches on a nearby folding chair ... which happened to be the 200-year-old fart muffler for none other than Napoleon himself. Unfortunately, the guard couldn't rest for long, because he totally broke the chair by completely snapping the leather in two.
"My my, I tried to hold your butt, but you were stronger
Oh yeah, and now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight"
Now, we're not experts on the dos and don'ts of guard etiquette, but we're pretty sure there's something in the handbook about not breaking priceless exhibits with your butt. And hey, while we're on the subject ...
#3. Woman Stains Centuries-Old Statue's Ass by Kissing It
A woman visiting an art gallery in Australia couldn't restrain herself around the firm marble buttocks of a Greek-style sculpture and decided to molest them -- but we've all been there, right? However, rather than just grabbing the stone cheeks with her hands like a decent museum patron, the woman went ahead and laid a big wet kiss on 'em. As a result, a recent report on art museum vandalism included this picture:
The woman is also among the five people who write Prometheus sex-fic.
That 19th century butt of the mythological hunter Narcissus was carved by John Gibson sometime in the 1800s, bought by the Art Gallery of NSW in Australia, and then stained by the lips of some museum guest who, when faced with the majesty of human artistic accomplishment older than the country she was in, decided to celebrate its beauty with an ass-hickey. (Authorities are presumably questioning her husband for motorboating the Venus de Milo.)
#2. Politician Assassinates 18th Century Painting With a Champagne Cork
Italy has a rich history when it comes to pretty much all of the fine arts, from painting to sculpture to the art of getting hammered in public buildings. Combine this with the fact that they let a college frat boy rule the country for the better part of a decade, and we're surprised that more of their classic paintings haven't ended up like the 200-year-old oil canvas that received a new cork-size hole during a Christmas party last year, courtesy of a red-faced councilman holding a bottle of sparkling wine.
If Berlusconi was still in office, this would now be hanging in a women's locker room for Porky's style shenanigans.
The councilman says he was just passing by when they asked him to uncork the bottle, which he proceeded to point in the worst possible direction. The painting is now awaiting repairs on the councilman's dime, but in the meantime, it's been temporarily "repaired" with a bit of tape -- an idea we can only assume was thought up on the spot during the same alcohol-fueled evening.
#1. Museum Destroys 2,000-Year-Old Statue, Gives Exactly Zero Shits
Whenever some careless jackass damages an ancient work of art, at least you can rest assured that the museum will do anything in its power to repair it -- except, you know, when the museum itself is that jackass, and their idea of fixing something is "painting it black to hide the cracks." Case in point:
If you're wondering what that's supposed to be, it's a third century pillar statue of a lion that once adorned 2,000-year-old monasteries and is now a clunky pile of shit on a museum floor in India. Turns out the museum took the cheap route when it came to hiring contractors during renovations and got exactly what they paid for: Instead of a hydraulic lift and technical supervision, they went with chain pulleys and blind guessing.
When the lion was inevitably broken, the museum decided that owning up to it just wasn't as practical as putting it back and pretending nothing had happened. Head curator Steve Urkel couldn't be reached for comment.
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