The 5 Craziest Exploits of the World's Shadiest Politician
There are many ways to play the great game of politics: Kim Jong Il is bluffing without any cards or money, Mubarak was that asshole kid who refused to admit you'd tagged him, and Silvio Berlusconi is playing naked Twister in a dorm full of skanks while drunk on Carlo Rossi. He's 74-years old and the 74th-richest man in the world and he's had more sex than several species of rabbit. When he first got into politics, his empire was on the verge of bankruptcy. Now he has $9 billion. He's basically Scrooge McDuck but wears pants less often. He's spent nine years running Italy like a frat house on double-secret probation. Here, we'll prove it:
#5.
Girls, Girls, Girls
The College Movie Scenario:
Every college movie has to set up its hero first: He's irreverent but impossibly clever and has a charm all his own. The ladies can't help but love him, and Lord knows he loves the ladies. Why, one time all the girls at Cumma Lotta Laude had to panty-raid him ... because they all left their underwear in his room the night before!
"Women are magnetically drawn to my cock. It's actually caused a number of horrible injuries."
Silvio Berlusconi's Career:
Frats always have a plan for getting girls into the house, and Berlusconi does, too. It's just that his house is the House of Parliament. And damn, is he good at it: He's imported more women than the Russian mob. His entire political appointment strategy is: "Breasts. Oh, and if possible, something to carry them around." He once organized a delegation of ministers to the European Parliament consisting of a failed Miss Italy contestant, a contestant from the Italian version of Big Brother whose entire political experience consisted of being photographed on Berlusconi's knee after doing this ...
Pictured: Political Experience
... and two soap opera actresses turned half-nude Internet models. In an attempt to embody irony in sexy human form, he even appointed topless dancer Mara Carfagna as minister for equal opportunities.
Like ... 32D opportunities, yaknowmsayin?
Last year, Berlusconi went to the dentist. He came back with a new regional councilor for Lombardy. Need an explanation? The dental hygienist was an ex-showgirl.
Pictured: Political Experience, Part 2
She, in turn, is now under investigation for procuring prostitutes for him -- meaning he not only exchanges politics for women but then uses those women in a vast and presumably sweaty pyramid scheme to get more women. We couldn't cover even a tenth of the women he's appointed without being blocked by Web filters as a bizarre Italian political-fetish porn site. He's been implicated in more sex scandals than the entire Republican Party, and he very publicly does not give a fuck about how he publicly he gives fucks.
#4.
The Legal Troubles
The College Movie Scenario:
Most college movies start with the innocent frat in dire legal straits. The evil dean sent a building inspector around who said the frat house isn't up to code. Now, if Dongwalski can't raise enough money to make the necessary fixes in a week, Shenanigan House will be finished!
The walls are mostly held together by crusted vomit and pot resin.
Silvio Berlusconi's Career:
Not surprisingly, some of Berlusconi's legal troubles go hand-in-handjob with the girls: He once responded to accusations that he'd paid for sex with an underage Moroccan prostitute named Ruby Heartthrob by publicly stating: "At least I'm not gay." He then turned an already cataclysmic one-night stand into an international incident by falsely telling police that his alleged hooker was the niece of then-President Mubarak and should be released immediately. Jesus Christ, it's like he was trying to combine all the worst possible things into one single, mighty, Voltronian mega-scandal.
His media and finance group, Fininvest, was under more governmental scrutiny than SPECTRE at the time he decided to run for office. So what's a Berlusconi to do? Well, if you can't beat them, or bribe them (he'd already tried that, and it was now a major part of the problem), join them! He up and founded his own political party two months before the general election and went from "target of criminal investigations" right to prime minister. Far be it from us to imply the influence of organized crime (no, not in Italy!), but you don't ordinarily get to just switch sides of the law like that, at least not without calling "no take-backsies" first.
That is the smile of a man who just successfully raped the justice system.
Oh wait, yes you do: Berlusconi has literally reversed how the courts work, by appearing as the defendant in a case, and then later deciding whether the law should be allowed to prosecute him or not (Pro Tip: The traditional answer is "no.") Italian criminal law has a loophole in which the statute of limitations -- how long you're allowed between the time a crime is committed and conviction of the criminal -- is still ticking down during the trial. Funnily enough, Berlusconi isn't spending much time trying to close this particular loophole (in fact, his government shortened the length of time). Most of his cases have ended with either "Guilty, but we're out of time for today" or "He probably was guilty but has just changed the law this court was meant to enforce." Berlusconi's lawyers have only one job: Keep talking until he makes the law go away, or until it gets bored and stops, which has happened more than half a dozen times now.
In 2000 he was acquitted, on appeal (the first trial sentenced him to 16 months), of a 5 million-euro fraud through Medusa Cinema. Not because his company didn't do it, but because the judge gave him the "benefit of the doubt" on the grounds that Berlusconi simply wouldn't bother to steal that little.
"I'd like to think an Italian politician can steal a little more than 5 million measly euros."
He's been re-elected twice despite having more criminal charges brought against him than the entirety of Gotham City: He once boasted that "789 prosecutors and magistrates took an interest in the politician Berlusconi from 1994 to 2006 with the aim of subverting the votes of the Italian people ... a cavalry including 577 visits by police, 2,500 court hearings and 174 million euros in lawyers' bills paid by me." It takes some serious balls to publicly brag about how your mere existence is a constant drain on the legal and financial systems of your country.
They're finally beginning to press charges against him, again, having overturned his law that made prosecuting him illegal. It's still unlikely that he'll be convicted of anything, because the Italian media love the holy shit out of their wacky playboy PM. He could be found in his mansion surrounded by a squad of extremely naked strippers, and they'd still insist there was no impropriety on Berlusconi's part. We know this because it actually happened.
Note how careful Putin is to stay outside of Berlusconi's chlamydia "splash zone."
#3.
The Shameful Past
The College Movie Scenario:
The typical college flick usually hits a crisis when it's revealed that the hero has a deep, dark secret that his friends must confront and overcome, despite the selfish bastard almost destroying everything he's built by not telling them. Why, it turns out Dongwalski is the dean's nephew, and the evil bastard has called Dongwalski's parents. They're pulling him out of school, and the underground Booty Jam is tomorrow! It's too late to find another DJ who can spin like Dongwalski! What's the gang gonna do?!
Charity sex marathon?
Silvio Berlusconi's Career:
Looking for a deep dark secret in Berlusconi's past might sound like looking for a racist at a Toby Keith concert, but there is one particular secret that makes every other scandal pale in comparison: Berlusconi was found guilty of perjury four years before running for government. And not just lying in any ol' official inquiry, mind you (although that should already be political poison enough), but lying about his role in an illegal, anti-constitutional conspiracy dedicated to replacing the elected government with an autocratic regime.
That's right: His life was the plot to both National Treasure movies before he was even elected.
Correction: His life was the plot to a considerably more palatable version of the National Treasure movies.
the "horn" sign actually has an older tradition, going back to the court of Sicily. There was a law, instituited by Barbarossa to gain favour from his nobles, where they could basically rape with impunity as long as they had 30 gold coin, called the "defense" that they could throw around them as they did the deed, saying a ritual phrase and making the sign. If some of the family of the victim harmed them afterwards, they were to be hanged. So it's a sign of violence over the women of the family of the "victim", and cause of impotent rage for the "horned" one. Thought i doubt Berlusconi is aware of that, since nowadays is more of a humorous sign to say ones woman is not faithful by choice...
Replyit's not that he is a Frat Boy, he is more like that teacher who used to be a Frat Boy and keeps acting as if he still was one. Embarassing and completely inappropriate. But he is the natural consequence of the lacking of direction in Italy since long before the fall of the First Repubblic; When the great turmoil of 68 and the cleansing of the greatest campaign against the Mafia ever guided the crumbling of the corrupted first Repubblic, There was no moderate party, and the Left still had the spectre of the Red Brigades and of Communist Terrorism behind it, and the Right with the spectre of Fascism. So the gaping void was rapidly filled by a "new, Self-made man" who promised to create a new moderate party, breaking free from the old. Many fell for it, mainly because he was a mediatic presence having bought 3 television channels, others voted for him for simple selfishness, some probably for some kind of shadow pact.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThe problem is that he didnt get there alone of course, Craxi, at the time prime minister before he was forced to go into Exile because of his ties with the Mafia (it will be a repeated pattern with friends of Berlusconi), helped him along the way passing laws to protect him from various processes. When he got into politics, he was already heavily shielded from the laws, and it only got worse after. Now he is rapidly falling into extremism, usually raving against Islamic people, Comunists, Judges, Omosexuals, and any categories that can instill fear in the main populace...
Basically he is just the tip of the iceberg of a sistem that spits on meritocracy and favours clientelism and "friendhip" with the right persons.Many are fighting the system, but it's very difficult to be competitive when they keep changing the rules under your feet. He uses illusions most skillfully, but they are still illusions, and destined to crumble into dust.
He still has the majority because Italy is sadly a nation of old people; the young have mostly sailed for new shores, and the remaining ones are products of an Istruction largely penalized by cuts and malgovernment (my mother is a teacher, and she has to bring the toilet paper from home, just to give an idea). There is a reason why we have one of the best State Sanitary System of the world, it's necessary with so many old people (also it's one of the easiest for the Mafia to lucrate on).
Going back to Berlusconi, he is an opportunistic jerk who would sell the soul of his mother to escape judgement, but his time is going to come sooner or later; the problem is the system, which is not going to stop working just because the figurehead is gone.
there is dissent, and comics find ways to mock him openly even on his television (mainly because he has to give the idea that some basic par condicio is mantained) but uses all the rest of the televisions and newspaper in his pockets to make a smear campaign against their opinion. He is good at decentrating the conflict, moving it from the matter of the discussion on him, and invariably shields himself with the "will of the people" who voted him (allegedly). It's 20 years that every legal way to bring him down is being persued, but iìm sure he wont let himself be judged...
i would very much prefer it to end democratically, without violence, but short of an assassination attempt i dont see any way to end it right now...
Right now he is going on Faith vote, because instead of making referendum, requiring the people to vote,he makes laws (40 in the last years) that needs to be voted only by the parliament (and he owns more or less half of it and can pay for one vote those he needs to). He not only has soubrettes in the parliament, but also his Lawyers, Accountant and personal friends.
Still there is ferment in the streets, it's years that Students protest his reform of the Schools (highly in favour of the Private institutes), Workers for the rampant disoccupation and members of every social class and age protests against the xenofobic and narrow minded take on the immigration and external politics.
so that is that XD thanks for having read my rant, it helps to share the burden XD
Sweet rant *thumbs up
Sweet rant *thumbs up*
Is that the new "tl;dr"/"cool story, bro"? It's difficult to keep up with what the 'tards are saying these days.
Cool story bro
i know, i'm kind of chatty XD sorry, or thanks, if you werent being sarcastic...
Now that he is going to be sidelined by the crisis, i expect he will take it hard and try to act as if he still has some kind of importance, but the system has already surely found a new figurehead; Still the size of Conflict of Intrest he brought to light in Italy is just a shining example of the errors of our economic system as a whole, since now we will have a man basically sent by the BCE as a Prime minister... i dont say that such a move mightn't give breath to our economy, but it wont certainly limitate the extrapower of Banks in europe, since the BCE just became the political guide of a country... it certainly will help in uniting the whole European Union under a centralized economic system like the creation of Euro seemed to point to,but at the same time will rob people of their ability to choose... I think that it's a trend that's going to be seen more and more here, with banks having more decisional power than government...
'We Like Sex Not Bunga Bunga' is possibly the best political slogan in the megaverse.
ReplyI am Italian and I voted against him, but as someone wrote, his power comes also from the inability of the opposition to do something better.
ReplyThey just spend their days talking about him and doing nothing to really change things.
As regards his friendship with some mad tyrant, it's disgusting, but tyrants always have lots of friends in very high places who tend to vanish when the tyrants fall.
Saddam Hussein was seen as someone who could control Iran so he was given weapons.
After a while he displeased his former friends and the war began.
I am not proud of my government right now, but I am proud to be Italian.
Don't judge other countries from how your TV-shows or movies picture them.
I'll judge other countries from how the Internet pictures them then.
#1. Your facts on Hussein are suspect...and he has nothing to do with the article.
#2. Berlusconi was a Player's Player.
Do I see areola in the 2nd pic???
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI believe so.
Could be a large ringworm...
Ringworm, yech. Count bestiality among Berlusconi's sexual portfolio.
You're probably not black but the short or ebonics phrase for "Do you know what I am saying?" would be "Nome Zane?"
ReplyKnaamean?
The article reminds me why I should be happy of not being italian. The comments remind me of why I should be happy of not being american.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAnd the fact that you've just personally insulted 90% of the people who read this site (Americans), and another large group who surely read this article since it directly involved them (Italians), should remind you of why you should be happy this is the internet.
TJCoolguy to the rescue! Because, of course, Americans (I mean, Real Murricans) swing fists at ideas that make them unhappy (or that they don't comprehend) instead of using a little brain & some of that famous New York sarcasm.
Wait - do Real Murricans consider smart Jewish New York queers to be American? GO GO 90%er!
Hey, I never said he would get his ass kicked per se... it's just nice to have the consequence-free internet as an outlet to say unnecessarily hurtful things about large groups without batting an eye. And I'll have you know that I am a strong supporter of smart Jewish New York queers. Man, I really need to change my avatar. Apparently, "cowboy hat" equals "flag-waving redneck" to a lot of people.
Right, because Mexico doesn't have any problems at all.
Don't forget that he is good friends with Muammar Khaddafi, and has even been known to have "bunga bunga parties" (in order words, orgies) with Muammar. Of course, Khaddaffi has always been bats**t insane but it is only recently that Berlusconi has been looking pretty stupid for this. He's also best buds with Vladimir Putin and the evil dictator who rules Belarus.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOh, and his controlling the media doesn't hurt. Unlike Bloomberg, who (admirably) has stayed completely hands-off with Bloomberg TV since becoming mayor of NYC, Berlusconi is not at all afraid to unabashedly slant media coverage of himself in his favor, and harass Italian Jon Stewarts who dare to criticize him.
Italy's justice system is incredibly flawed. Read up on the Amanda Knox case if you want to see a story of an American citizen absolutely railroaded by a corrupt justice system.
In short, Berlusconi is a lot like Manuel Noriega circa 1988 and Italy is basically a banana republic in European clothing. All that's missing is malaria.
Railroaded eh? Flawed eh? And you learn that from ... Oprah?
Look at the evidences, f**ktard.
It's an olive republic.
Fair enough SOME of the Knox evidence was sus**cious and she did allege that there was torture, but was it not that Knox changed her story a few times and the evidence that was there to convice her of Meredith's murder was strong enough. if anything, point to the campaign againt the Roma for a messed system!
I'm PROUD of being italian: we're the ones who started the Rinascimento and boosted the world in many different eras, but I feel so sad about my country and people right now...
Reply"We" sounds like you had something to do with it.
@sprayette: yeah, and the sad reality is that probably someone in neothon's family voted for Berlusconi
Berlusconi da man. At least he's not ruining the economy like Nobama. How many years can he keep blaming his predecessor? I almost want to vote for this loser in 2012 so that a full 8 years later, he'd still be blaming Bush.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesdo you know anything about whats happening in italy? Berlusconi has totally destroyed the italian economy. Though since you are clearly and uneducated dunce that doesn't understand the complexity of the issues that caused our current economic fragility. Leave politics to the big kids, you're just going to get hurt.
Yeah man, it's totally Obama's fault for not being magic and just making a global recession disappear by shaking his head, like Kazaam.
You may as well have just typed out "I do not know a goddamn thing about economics or what the presidency entails."
Ya'll just been dun trolled. Quit feeding.
If you read any of the articles linked, you will note that the Italian economic stability is not due to Berlusconi, but to his Economic Minister, who actually takes his job seriously. Also, the economy is being ruined? Yeah, it's really terrible, what with unemployment down to 8.9% (the lowest rate in the past three years) and 192,000 new jobs created just in the past month. Car sales and home sales are up, industrial production is up...terrible times, man. But that leads me to a much more important question:
How can you see the screen with your head shoved so far up your ass?
"Nobama"....god....that's pretty lazy for even a troll.
Yeah guga. With Jersey Shore and the mafia and guidos with grease - this, this is what drives you over the edge into being ashamed to be Italian.
ReplyREAL Italians don't act like guidos on MTV
I am so f**king ashamed of being Italian.
ReplyWhereas I have never been prouder of not being Italian.
Kind makes Charlie Sheen look like a p***y in comparacent eh?
ReplyComparacent...is that like the Italian 50 cent?
Reading about what a sex maniac he is can be entertaining, but if he was running my country I'd be f**king horrified. I feel bad for the people of Italy.
ReplyEven makes me appreciate the wankstain that is David Cameron.
I would still rather have Berlusconi than Cameron, PARTY IN THE UK!!!
I am officially changing my name to Dongwalski.
Reply"The fjuck did you just say?" killed me, as well as the part before it, the page before that and what came afterwards.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI came afterwards.
I came before that :)
I'm cameing.
DONKEY PUNCH
As an Italian, I say: please, NATO, invade us.
ReplyThe a*****e has less than 35% of people support, there are doubts he stole the last election (there are proof of manipulation by mafia of votes of italians living abroad) and is trampling our constitution.
Does the voluntary right to die apply to conserved crazy people like britney spears?
ReplyHoly s**t, he's Zaphod Beeblebrox.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieslike
Like
Where he hid them?
I was enraged, angered, outraged, despondent, fuming, aghast, disbelieving, ashamed, stunned, horrified.
ReplyThen I saw the last picture with the beautiful island girl, and I was :3~