Quick Fixes

Article

April 19, 2014

4 Random Plots TV Is About to Recycle the Hell Out Of

By Amanda Mannen | 89,892 Views

As we've pointed out before, it's not uncommon for different people in the entertainment industry to come up with the exact same crazy specific idea at the exact same time, possibly because they're all on the exact same cocaine/Red Bull combo.

That certainly seems to be the case with the current crop of new TV shows, some of which might make you wonder how they got greenlit once, let alone multiple times. Get ready to have your face-eyes repeatedly assaulted with premises like ...

#4. There Are Four Reality TV Shows About Magicians Coming

Hey, kids -- do you like magicians? We hope you do, because for some reason there are four freaking upcoming reality shows about these assholes. The first, which already aired its pilot on SyFy, is a Project Runway-style competition called Wizard Wars. Sadly that's "wars" in the Bride Wars sense and not the "making them actually kill each other" one. A similar show called Surprise Me, which has surprisingly already proved a hit with the usually unflappable Russia, will also be coming soon to the U.S. Both are about magicians competing in front of celebrity judges.

TV-3
Amateur magician Vladimir Putin won the first season by making gay rights disappear.

Article

April 17, 2014

4 Signs 'The Matrix' Directors' Next Film Won't Be 100% Crap

By David Christopher Bell | 172,972 Views

Apart from promising a solid two minutes of flashing neon laser ship battles and Channing Tatum flipping around like a meth angel trapeze cat, the trailer for the upcoming Wachowski apology letter Jupiter Ascending doesn't make any effort to tell us what the movie is going to be about. Strobe lights and impossible acrobatics are a staple of every Wachowski film and could guarantee anything from a game-changing science fiction opera to bald Natalie Portman or Hugh Grant in tribal makeup. So the question on everyone's mind is: WILL IT BE TERRIBLE?

#4. The Action: The Matrix, but Not The Matrix Revolutions

One of the most egregious betrayals of The Matrix Revolutions was pushing aside the wire stunts and Bullet Time camera rigs of the original film in favor of digital doubles pinwheeling through the air like George Lucas' traveling circus.

While there's no absolute guarantee that Jupiter Ascending won't ride the same CGI Hindenburg into oblivion, both Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum have mentioned the production's extensive use of wire stunts -- meaning that while we're still going to get emotionless sex puppets doing air ballet in slow motion, we can at least be assured that they will be human emotionless sex puppets and not CGI constructs.

Warner Bros.
They're even letting Channing use his real ears in this.

Article

April 15, 2014

4 B.S. Viral News Stories That Fooled Your Friends (Part 20)

By David Christopher Bell, Chris Rio | 170,209 Views

Everyone get your markers out: It's once again time to weed through your Facebook feed to furiously black out yet another week's worth of sloppy and gullible news reporting. Better use dry erase, because this bullshit avalanche show no signs of stopping, and monitors are kind of expensive.

#4. No, Yellowstone Animals Aren't Escaping from a Supervolcano

In a cruel twist of fate, it appears that the end times will come in the form of a terrible Roland Emmerich action sequence. How do we know that? Because the animals are telling us:

fox2now.com

rt.com
Apparently volcanoes spew bullshit instead of lava now.

Article

April 14, 2014

The Evil Trick Food Companies Use to Brainwash Kids

By XJ Selman | 210,897 Views

Earlier this month, a study from the Cornell University Food and Brand Lab (more specifically, the department of tricking-you-into-buying-shit-ology) revealed the dark secret behind cereal boxes: Companies purposefully have their mascots' eyes tilted downward in order to make eye contact with children walking down grocery store aisles, essentially hypnotizing them into begging Mommy for their product.

But that can't be true, right? Surely if there was some vast cereal mascot conspiracy, we would have noticed by now. We at Cracked decided to look into this important matter and found out that this plot runs way deeper than everyone thought ...

#3. It's Not Just Cereal Boxes

Once you know about the "all mascots are looking down" trick, it's impossible to unsee it. It's everywhere, hiding in plain sight. And the most glaringly obvious offender? Fucking Lucky Charms.

General Mills
"They can't keep us apart ..."