Everyone get your markers out: It's once again time to weed through your Facebook feed to furiously black out yet another week's worth of sloppy and gullible news reporting. Better use dry erase, because this bullshit avalanche show no signs of stopping, and monitors are kind of expensive.
#4. No, Yellowstone Animals Aren't Escaping from a Supervolcano
In a cruel twist of fate, it appears that the end times will come in the form of a terrible Roland Emmerich action sequence. How do we know that? Because the animals are telling us:
Apparently volcanoes spew bullshit instead of lava now.
Earlier this month, a study from the Cornell University Food and Brand Lab (more specifically, the department of tricking-you-into-buying-shit-ology) revealed the dark secret behind cereal boxes: Companies purposefully have their mascots' eyes tilted downward in order to make eye contact with children walking down grocery store aisles, essentially hypnotizing them into begging Mommy for their product.
But that can't be true, right? Surely if there was some vast cereal mascot conspiracy, we would have noticed by now. We at Cracked decided to look into this important matter and found out that this plot runs way deeper than everyone thought ...
#3. It's Not Just Cereal Boxes
Once you know about the "all mascots are looking down" trick, it's impossible to unsee it. It's everywhere, hiding in plain sight. And the most glaringly obvious offender? Fucking Lucky Charms.
"They can't keep us apart ..."
Over the past few weeks, several major fast food chains have introduced new and visually disgusting additions to their morning menus, prompting what experts are calling the "breakfast wars." Why? Because apparently there is $10 billion to be made off of Americans who can't crack their own eggs in the morning.
Clearly, we had to see what the fuss was about, so we sent one lucky researcher to find out which is the least of three evils: the stalwart (McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin), the faux elite (Starbucks Bacon and Gouda Sandwich), or the crazy-eyed, shit-stained new kid (Taco Bell Sausage Waffle Taco)? Remember, whoever wins, society loses.
#1. Which Breakfast Is Ugliest?
If you've started your day by shouting about food out a car window, you're not expecting the "Mona Lisa" on a plate. I get that. But at some point, you've got to ask yourself this hard question: "How revolting is the food I'm wolfing down as I drive this vehicle to work?"
McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin
At first glance, the Egg White Delight McMuffin looks like McDonald's is making a solid effort at offering healthy breakfast food. Sure, there's bacon involved, but it's Canadian, so it's healthier. It's not until you look closer that you realize those egg whites look like someone fried up some Elmer's Glue and stuck it in a bun.
"Technically, we're still being honest about not using horse meat."
Take it apart and each new layer looks like a different stage of human decomposition.
"I am become death. Destroyer of stomach linings."
Maybe it's general laziness. Maybe it's some profound cultural tunnel vision brought on by the click-drunk Internet. In any case, it's screamingly obvious that the media have an amazing ability to completely forget the shit they reported just a few years earlier.
Don't believe us? Take a look at three recent news cycles that, when you step back for a moment and dig through the headlines, draw to mind the classic quote, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it," which we're pretty sure was coined by Jesse Ventura.
#3. The News Loves to Cannibalize America's Sweetheart
2011: "Everyone loves America's sweetheart, Anne Hathaway," says news.
2012: Anne Hathaway takes a tight-outfit, people-beating role that everyone loves.