It's almost August, folks. Has the summer of 2014 felt a little bit off to you? Not quite as good as summers past? Turns out it's not just your complete inability to enjoy anything or experience true happiness -- we've found statistical evidence that proves this summer is the worst one since "Margaritaville" was unleashed on the world.
So, just in case your summer plans weren't ruined already, let us help you expedite that process through the magic of cold, hard facts:
#5. The Teenage Summer Job Is a Thing of the Past
Remember the first summer your parents made you get a job? Sure, you thought flipping burgers at the burger-flipping factory sucked at the time, but in the end you probably appreciated the structure. The summer job is practically a rite of passage. Or, if you're a parent, it's a convenient way to get your teens out of the house for a few hours and have some loud adult fun.
"Finally. If had to watch that wiener we wrought screw up this level one more time ..."
The trailer for Twilight fan fiction turned inexplicable best-selling trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey debuted recently, treating us all to a glimpse of a world populated by frumpy secretaries and the Picasso-faced businessmen who have sex with them.
But because the novel, at its core, is terrible, and because Hollywood has no idea how to handle any exploration of sex that doesn't conform to a very specific road map of male domination and plot cliches, this movie isn't even going to provide the trashy fun that made the book a success in the first place.
#4. The Writing Is Terrible (Both the Script and the Source Novel)
You'd think most actors would be familiar with the amount of risque belly slapping in the book, but there's no shortage of people reading the script and bursting into fits of shocked laughter. There's a rumor that Charlie Hunnam, who was originally cast in the lead role, dropped out because he didn't like the script, and he starred in last year's Pacific Rim, which contained a character named Stacker Pentecost and a man with golden shoes.
Actress Chloe Bridges, star of the Sex and the City spinoff The Carrie Diaries, read the three pages she was given for her audition and immediately said, "I really can't do this."
"I just thought it."
Most people use social media because being able to say happy birthday to your needy aunt without having to talk to her is worth all the hassle. (Hassles may include: your photo being used to promote products without your permission, companies storing ridiculous amounts of personal information, and having psychiatric experiments performed on you without your knowledge.)
However, we all knew that the time would come when the creepiness of these sites would outweigh the benefits. That time is now. Here are some ways social media is going from "a bit creepy" to "smiling clown face pressed up against your bedroom window at 2 a.m. creepy."
#5. Social Media Apps That Replicate Your (Annoying) Friends After They Die
We all have that super annoying friend who has to Instagram every single meal they eat, as well as tweet all the random thoughts that go through their head in real time. Did you ever wonder what that friend might theoretically be eating six months after they died? No? Tough shit, because there's a new breed of programs that will allow any sufficiently self-obsessed acquaintance or relative of yours to continue clogging your feed -- and even have conversations with you -- from beyond the grave.
"Remember when you slept with my wife after I died, Mike? I saw you. I saw you, Mike."
This Week in WTF Pop Culture History: A Fucking Ninja Turtle Rap Song Hits #1 in July 1990.
We're not being sarcastic when we say that a proud and important pop culture tradition was renewed this week with the release of this track:
That is "Shell Shocked" by Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, and Ty Dolla $ign. It jumps from describing the four Ninja Turtles and the unbeatable power of brotherhood, to talk of teaming up with your friends to make shitloads of money for Lamborghinis and Rolexes (which suggests that the new film features a sequence wherein Master Splinter teaches his four young protegees how to ball like motherfuckers). And before you dismiss this video as being unimportant to your life, you need to understand something:
Rap songs about Ninja Turtles used to fucking dominate the pop charts.