Quick Fixes

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March 20, 2015

4 Bizarre Gay Stereotypes of the Star Wars Universe

By Marshall Lemon | 311,480 Views

Between the films and novels and comic books and the commemorative Burger King cups and that crappy 1997 fighting game in which an unarmed Han Solo was able to fist-fight Darth Vader and win, Star Wars is maybe the biggest fictional universe ever devised. (Discounting unofficial fan fiction -- otherwise the Bible or Home Improvement would probably take the cake.)

LucasArts
He then wins the dance off to save Lando's rec center too.

Comic

March 03, 2015

5 Ways The Rules Of Reality Ruin Superhero Movies

By David Christopher Bell | 329,585 Views

Anybody looking forward to seeing a classically lighthearted version of Marvel's first family had their dreams swiftly clobbered with the premiere of the new trailer for Fantastic Four. According to director Josh Trank, this film is going to be "hard sci-fi" (think Blade Runner, The Twilight Zone, or Black Mirror -- science fiction that explores a controversial area of science and/or technology to a grim extreme). The director even went as far as claiming this second reboot of a Silver Age comic franchise involving a rock monster and a man who can stretch his arms out really far will be "Cronenbergian" in its grittiness -- implying that Fantastic Four will explore the consequences of Jeff Goldblum dabbling with body horror science.

20th Century Fox
They'll need a much larger jar when Reed's dick falls off.

Article

March 01, 2015

5 Bootleg Toys That Are Straight Out Of The Bowels of Hell

By Mark Hill | 385,018 Views

Usually, the only disturbing thing about unlicensed merchandise is the thought that anyone could honestly buy an iPood player or a Rolax watch without realizing they're not exactly legal. However, there's a special subcategory of knockoff merch based on beloved children's franchises that replaces the expense of licensed toys with something affordable, and the family-friendly fun with something utterly nightmare-inducing. Such as ...

#5. Dollar Store Magic Wand Comes With Bonus Satanic Terror

Unless you're Bill Gates or something, you've probably cheaped out and bought a younger relative a present at the local dollar store at some point -- after all, your jackass nephew didn't get you anything for your last birthday, so why should you spend more than $1 on him? Here's one good reason: If you look closely at the crappy off-brand toy you just bought, the horrifying image below might be hiding underneath.

WHIO
We'd check under your pillow, too, just in case.

Article

February 27, 2015

4 Reasons Frank Underwood (from House of Cards) Is an Idiot

By Jim Avery | 243,400 Views

House of Cards returned to Netflix today, and so did Kevin Spacey as the terrifying but enrapturing politician Francis Underwood, who might as well be a supervillain at this point. No, his superpower isn't manipulating people or being aware he's a fictional character -- it's possessing so much charisma that the audience doesn't realize he's actually terrible at being a corrupt politician.

Warning: This article contains numerous House of Cards spoilers. If you don't want the first two seasons of the show ruined, click away now.

#4. He's Terrible at Using People (and Thinks With His Penis)

A major component of the first season of House of Cards is Underwood's illicit relationship with reporter Zoe Barnes. He feeds her sensitive information to leak so she can advance her career, and in turn each story she publishes embarrasses his political opponents. Then he also starts having sex with her, because that's the rule of politics.

Netflix
Or the only rule anyone cares about, at least.