No matter how crappy your year has been -- and if you're a Malaysia Airlines or Sony Pictures executive, the word is "extremely" -- at least you can still look forward to enjoying a nice, cheerful, merry Chri- wait, nope, it's ruined. Yep, it's not even the 24th yet and dumb people across the world have already managed to shit all over the upcoming Christmas. Oh, well, there's always 2015.
How exactly have they Grinched up Jesus' birthday, you ask? Like this:
#6. TGI Friday's "Mistletoe Drone" Cuts Someone's Face
TGI Friday's might not represent the high point of cuisine, but at least the food won't kill you. No, they handed that responsibility off to the mistletoe-wielding drone that chopped a section out of an innocent photographer's nose.
"TGI wasn't flying at crotch level."
Today's Christmas party games kinda suck: it's either Ugly Sweater Contests, White Elephants, or Argue About Ronald Reagan With Your Intoxicated Uncle Until He Fakes a Heart Attack. Back in the old days, however, the way people entertained themselves while waiting for Jolly Old Saint Nick was much more entertaining. Any of the following games will light a giant spark under your next holiday shindig, provided nobody tells the cops:
#5. Hot Cockles (Late 1700s-Early 1800s)
If you're bored with using Twister as a convenient excuse to touch somebody else's naughty parts, then perhaps you'd prefer a friendly game of Hot Cockles. A very friendly game. "Put your face in someone's crotch" friendly:
"Carol? Wait, no -- grandma! Definitely grandma."
Marketing products to children isn't particularly hard. Just throw a bunch of skateboards and neon backwards caps into your commercial and kids will want the shit out of whatever you're selling. But for some reason, plenty of companies out there still think that little girls want nothing to do with things like LEGOs or NERF guns unless they're covered in purple glitter and teach them how to get a boyfriend.
#5. Barbie I Can Be a Computer Engineer Book Is About Asking Men to Program Computers for You
Barbie has spent the past several years trying to overcome the stigma of portraying harmfully unrealistic standards for little girls, as most Barbie dolls (even the ones in assertive roles, like Doctor Barbie or Pantsuit Barbie) are little more than skeletal breast mannequins wearing different costumes. One Barbie storybook, 2010's I Can Be a Computer Engineer, showed particular progressive promise, however, as it ostensibly depicts Barbie working in a field that is often presented as aggressively off-limits to girls.
"We were going to include a talking toy, but she would only say, "Have you tried turning it on and off?"
Have you ever done something stupid and scrambled to make up an excuse? "I'm sorry, I was drunk," or, "I thought that was legal in this country," or, "Wait, this isn't a David Lynch movie?" Turns out, big companies do the same thing, only their excuses tend to be way worse because they can't all be drunk ... right?
#6. A Political Blog Targets the Wrong Person, Issues Lame "Correction"
Conservative political blog Breitbart.com recently published an article decrying the president's newly announced nominee for attorney general of the United States, Loretta Lynch. According to Breitbart, Lynch had a previously unmentioned controversy: she was one of the lawyers who represented the Clinton family in the wake of the Whitewater scandal.
Helder Almeida/iStock/Getty Images
A scandal so boring, we fell asleep twice trying to think of a joke for it.