Apparently, 2014 was the year when the inevitable finally happened: companies ran out of slogans. Or they ran out of passable, "doesn't make you want to murder whoever wrote it" slogans, anyway. If Don Draper hadn't been murdered by a roller-skating disco prostitute in 1979 (final season of Mad Men spoilers!) he'd be shaking his head at ...
#5. Van Rental Company Goes for the Racist Pervert Market
If you're driving through Australia, you already expect to see a lot of terrible things. Killer spiders, killer kangaroos, killer koalas -- all par for the course. One of the few things you wouldn't expect to assault you in Australia is a series of giant, racist penis, but here we are:
Seeing as how that kid was faking his vacation to Heaven, it looks like "Hey, let's stop reporting made-up stuff as news" clearly wasn't among the media's resolutions this year. That's OK, though, because just like in 2014 we'll be here standing between you and the bullshit of the world like some kind of incredulous Batman (but, you know, real). It's time to continue our forever-part series calling out the various twaddle the media wants you to sop, starting with the fact that ...
#6. The "1 in 3 College Men Said They'd Rape" Study Was Based on a Survey of 73 People
You probably saw this highly clickable headline just above a heated, 237-comment debate between your friend from high school and a distant uncle on Facebook:
By comment 150, it devolved into a series of female pop-star eye-roll GIFs.
Corporate social media blunders are the gifts that keep on giving. When inexperienced interns, technologically inept employees, thoughtless social media managers, or people who just flat-out don't give a shit about their jobs are put in charge of the company Twitter account with thousands of followers, excruciating magic is inevitable.
#6. Government Contractor Tweets Drunken Texts
Look, sometimes you have to have a few drinks after a hard week on the job. Cracked and Cracked's walk-in beer fridge understand that more than most. But if you work for, say, Booz Allen Hamilton, a management firm that consults for America's security and defense contractors, you might want to be a little careful with how you go about it. If for no other reason than to prevent endless "Booz Allen? More like BOOZE Allen! LOL!" comments.
The next seven texts are just "CHUG!"
Now that American movie theater attendance is at its lowest since the days of Waterworld and Judge Dredd (the one with Stallone), alphabetically labyrinthine home theater products like VOD on 4K 3D UHD TVs can finally reign supreme. The only decision you have to make is which assortment of letters will provide you with the best viewing of Hard Rain that money can buy.
To help, we sent a team to this year's Consumer Electronics Show to find the newest HD innovations in gaming, television, and heinous pornography. Our efforts found that the TVs of the future are less like a technographic wall of blinding progress and more like a Sisyphean mountain of eternal madness.
#5. For Starters, There's a Huge Chance Your New TV Will Be Obsolete in a Year
Back in the days when The Cosby Show hadn't been recontextualized as the opening credits sequence from Se7en, Americans got their entertainment on unspeakably heavy cathode ray tube (or CRT) televisions that received broadcasts using something called NTSC encoding. It was basically a way to streamline how video was recorded and aired by standardizing the format. In the rest of the world this format was called PAL or SECAM -- once again affirming the United States' desire to be its own special little island when it comes to standardized units.
"The Metric system is a fad." -America