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March 01, 2015

5 Bootleg Toys That Are Straight Out Of The Bowels of Hell

By Mark Hill | 132,940 Views

Usually, the only disturbing thing about unlicensed merchandise is the thought that anyone could honestly buy an iPood player or a Rolax watch without realizing they're not exactly legal. However, there's a special subcategory of knockoff merch based on beloved children's franchises that replaces the expense of licensed toys with something affordable, and the family-friendly fun with something utterly nightmare-inducing. Such as ...

#5. Dollar Store Magic Wand Comes With Bonus Satanic Terror

Unless you're Bill Gates or something, you've probably cheaped out and bought a younger relative a present at the local dollar store at some point -- after all, your jackass nephew didn't get you anything for your last birthday, so why should you spend more than $1 on him? Here's one good reason: If you look closely at the crappy off-brand toy you just bought, the horrifying image below might be hiding underneath.

WHIO
We'd check under your pillow, too, just in case.

Article

February 27, 2015

4 Reasons Frank Underwood (from House of Cards) Is an Idiot

By Jim Avery | 201,582 Views

House of Cards returned to Netflix today, and so did Kevin Spacey as the terrifying but enrapturing politician Francis Underwood, who might as well be a supervillain at this point. No, his superpower isn't manipulating people or being aware he's a fictional character -- it's possessing so much charisma that the audience doesn't realize he's actually terrible at being a corrupt politician.

Warning: This article contains numerous House of Cards spoilers. If you don't want the first two seasons of the show ruined, click away now.

#4. He's Terrible at Using People (and Thinks With His Penis)

A major component of the first season of House of Cards is Underwood's illicit relationship with reporter Zoe Barnes. He feeds her sensitive information to leak so she can advance her career, and in turn each story she publishes embarrasses his political opponents. Then he also starts having sex with her, because that's the rule of politics.

Netflix
Or the only rule anyone cares about, at least.

Article

February 25, 2015

5 Products Designed to Control You When You're Drunk as Hell

By M. Asher Cantrell | 264,316 Views

If one of your 2015 New Year's resolutions was to not be such a sloppy drunk next New Year's Eve, we've got great news for you: You'll probably get just as wasted as ever, but the wide world of technology will help you hide it more efficiently! Simply add the following to your boozing arsenal and soon you'll be the MacGyver of getting totally blasted. (We almost went with "James Bond," but that was redundant.)

#5. Free Pee Finds You a Place to Pee (That Isn't the Side of a Building)

The first order of business for any significantly intoxicated person is to find a place to pee that doesn't involve uncovering your genitals in public. Places like alleys, bushes, and children's playgrounds are very convenient (and what Mother Nature intended) but also very illegal.

That's where Free Pee comes in: Despite sounding like the sketchiest Craigslist ad ever, this helpful app is designed to direct your ass (or penis, as the case may be) to actual, human bathrooms where you can lawfully micturate.

iQwerty
And most actually have walls around them, unlike this one.

Article

February 24, 2015

6 New Movies That Deserve Way More Attention

By David Christopher Bell | 325,528 Views

In our noble quest to showcase underreported weird-ass new movies, we've seen everything from a found-footage film by Orson Welles to a Finnish child saving President Samuel L. Jackson from terrorists. And once again, our endless Internet spelunking has yielded hot magic. Here are six more upcoming oddities whose plots will make Star Wars: The Force Awakens look like Star Wars: Son Who Unplugged the Fax Machine Were You Guys Roughhousing.

#6. Kung Fury: A Swedish Action Movie About Hitler, Vikings, Dinosaurs, and Time Travel

When Hitler learns the secret of martial arts, Norse gods rise up from their fimbul slumber. Such is the premise of Kung Fury, which follows a time-traveling karate cop that teams up with a female Viking and Thor to take on the Third Reich using 1990s technology, a sentence that now exists in our reality.

Laser Unicorns

Laser Unicorns

Laser Unicorns

Laser Unicorns
But sure, Hollywood, "gritty" is way better.