Anybody looking forward to seeing a classically lighthearted version of Marvel's first family had their dreams swiftly clobbered with the premiere of the new trailer for Fantastic Four. According to director Josh Trank, this film is going to be "hard sci-fi" (think Blade Runner, The Twilight Zone, or Black Mirror -- science fiction that explores a controversial area of science and/or technology to a grim extreme). The director even went as far as claiming this second reboot of a Silver Age comic franchise involving a rock monster and a man who can stretch his arms out really far will be "Cronenbergian" in its grittiness -- implying that Fantastic Four will explore the consequences of Jeff Goldblum dabbling with body horror science.
20th Century Fox
They'll need a much larger jar when Reed's dick falls off.
Usually, the only disturbing thing about unlicensed merchandise is the thought that anyone could honestly buy an iPood player or a Rolax watch without realizing they're not exactly legal. However, there's a special subcategory of knockoff merch based on beloved children's franchises that replaces the expense of licensed toys with something affordable, and the family-friendly fun with something utterly nightmare-inducing. Such as ...
#5. Dollar Store Magic Wand Comes With Bonus Satanic Terror
Unless you're Bill Gates or something, you've probably cheaped out and bought a younger relative a present at the local dollar store at some point -- after all, your jackass nephew didn't get you anything for your last birthday, so why should you spend more than $1 on him? Here's one good reason: If you look closely at the crappy off-brand toy you just bought, the horrifying image below might be hiding underneath.
We'd check under your pillow, too, just in case.
House of Cards returned to Netflix today, and so did Kevin Spacey as the terrifying but enrapturing politician Francis Underwood, who might as well be a supervillain at this point. No, his superpower isn't manipulating people or being aware he's a fictional character -- it's possessing so much charisma that the audience doesn't realize he's actually terrible at being a corrupt politician.
Warning: This article contains numerous House of Cards spoilers. If you don't want the first two seasons of the show ruined, click away now.
#4. He's Terrible at Using People (and Thinks With His Penis)
A major component of the first season of House of Cards is Underwood's illicit relationship with reporter Zoe Barnes. He feeds her sensitive information to leak so she can advance her career, and in turn each story she publishes embarrasses his political opponents. Then he also starts having sex with her, because that's the rule of politics.
Or the only rule anyone cares about, at least.
If one of your 2015 New Year's resolutions was to not be such a sloppy drunk next New Year's Eve, we've got great news for you: You'll probably get just as wasted as ever, but the wide world of technology will help you hide it more efficiently! Simply add the following to your boozing arsenal and soon you'll be the MacGyver of getting totally blasted. (We almost went with "James Bond," but that was redundant.)
#5. Free Pee Finds You a Place to Pee (That Isn't the Side of a Building)
The first order of business for any significantly intoxicated person is to find a place to pee that doesn't involve uncovering your genitals in public. Places like alleys, bushes, and children's playgrounds are very convenient (and what Mother Nature intended) but also very illegal.
That's where Free Pee comes in: Despite sounding like the sketchiest Craigslist ad ever, this helpful app is designed to direct your ass (or penis, as the case may be) to actual, human bathrooms where you can lawfully micturate.
And most actually have walls around them, unlike this one.