4 Futuristic Products For Telling People You're a Rich Dick
So 1999 has come and gone, and Prince's party directives, much like Prince himself, have been rendered obsolete. The problem is: now that "I'm gonna party like it's 1999" sounds like some gibberish your demented grandpa would spout, how do we party ahead of our time? Luckily, a few forward-thinking (and possibly time-traveling) folks have already come up with revolutionary gizmos that might give us glimpse into the epic throw downs of the future.
And sure, these inventions might make you look completely ridiculous today, but such is the price of progress. One day, everyone will get shitfaced using stuff like ...
Get Any Drink Ever With an Instant Alcohol Machine
It's frankly a disgrace that, in the year 2015, people still have to compete for the attention of a harried, overworked booze jockey to get a drink more complicated than "beer" or "beer with Coke" -- and even that might be too complex for some of us. Those days are about to end. Finally answering the age-old conundrum of "how can I decrease the amount of time it takes for alcohol to enter my face," a Kickstarter was launched to fund Somabar, an automated countertop bartender named for an ancient Persian ritualistic drink (and hopefully not the LSD drug from Brave New World that slowly kills you).
You simply plop different types of booze into the canisters, tell the machine what drink you want, and voila! Enjoy your perfectly mixed Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall. Or, you know, whatever disturbingly-named concoction you requested.
Hopefully, that little hole is a speaker through which it tells you you're not sad for drinking alone.
If beer is more your speed / liver function, the ingenious fellows at PourMyBeer.com have developed the aptly named Pour My Beer system, which allows customers to serve their own damn brews right at their table, or at a trough of taps on the wall. You load up a card with Pour My Beer Funbucks, swipe it, and the tap subtracts however much you dispensed into your funnel. Be warned, however, that you can't just load the card with $50,000 and be set for, like, two weeks -- you can only charge enough credit for two beverages at a time because of a little thing called "making sure the human race doesn't go extinct by next year."
"Estimated hangover level: tree trunk through the forehead."
And finally, there's PicoBrew, a frattier version of a coffeemaker that takes all the ingredients you need and spits out 2.5 gallons of Imperial IPA, a type of beer that generally takes about a week to make, in a mere four hours. It can even connect to an online database of recipes which includes "clones" of famous beers. Yes, you can now download pirated booze. The dream is real.
One day, dear friends. One day.
You Can Eat and Drink Out of Willy Wonka Devices
Charlie Harry Francis, founder of Lick Me I'm Delicious, Inc. (no, really), is basically a real-life Willy Wonka, minus the child endangerment -- or the child anything, since most of his products seem to be aimed at adults. Francis grew up on an ice cream farm, which would turn most of us into 700-pound diabetics, but instead gave him a lifelong love of weird food-making machines. Today, he's translated that love into a bevy of Wonka-like gadgets featuring the things adults love, like alcohol and dishes that involve killing something during preparation.
The Levitron, for example, is a gizmo that uses ultrasonic sound waves to suspend droplets of cocktails in midair. The idea is for people to fish out the flying booze with their tongues whilst doing everything possible to avoid getting some in their eye.
Just remember to turn it off before you barf.
Another of Francis' inventions is the Edible Mist Machine, which makes, you know, that. It vaporizes food into a delicious cloud you can eat, which is terrific news for people too stoned to chew and senior citizens who can't find their dentures.
"What a peculiar aftertaste in this filet mignon ... wait, no, that's a fart. Never mind."
On the other side of the pond, Harvard inventor David Edwards has also created evaporating food, developing inhalable chocolate called "Le Whif." But he's not stopping there. He's actually in the process of building a restaurant in Cambridge, Massachusetts where food will presumably be delivered by scuba regulator. Among Edwards' more curious inventions is the "scent-messaging" device called oPhone -- a tube that, when paired to your iPhone through a free app, allows you send scents to your friends. Or farts to your enemies, we guess ... OK, we'll take six.
China Is Making a $3.2 Billion Batman-Inspired Casino
Though we might not build as many cars or electronics or dildos as we used to, the one thing that America does produce and export in spades is culture. And what's the absolute highest achievement in the history of the arts in the United States? Batman, of course.
Did we say "the United States"? We meant in all of human culture in general.
Or at least, that's what some very rich people in Macau, China seem to think. Not satisfied with traditional American casino themes, such as Ancient Rome, Ancient Egypt, or unspecified, they're making the Caped Crusader a main attraction for their newest den of iniquity. The $3.2 billion resort will feature a Batman virtual reality ride that will simulate a flight over Gotham City, presumably complete with frightening purse snatchers until they crap their pants and breaking down and crying on the same alley outside an opera house every night. Even the shape of the building is Batman-related -- there's a 425 ft. Ferris wheel built into the side of the massive structure itself, which is, and we quote, "inspired by having two asteroids shooting through a Gotham City building." A thing that, in 76 years of Batman comics, has never, ever happened.
"But that's how Batman got his magical meteor powers, right?"
Oh, and there will be other DC characters there, too. Like Wonder Woman, who (somewhat sexistly) is relegated to the go-kart ride. In addition to being bukkaked with DC intellectual property, the hotel will include a space-station-themed restaurant which will utilize a holographic projector to give diners the impression that they're looking through a huge window into space -- which is black, like Batman. Fine, that part has nothing to do with superheroes, but still, that's pretty cool.
Finally, they've also tossed Martin Scorsese, Robert De Niro, and Leonardo DiCaprio $70 million to make a short film promoting the casino, because why not at this point. Brad Pitt was also mentioned, but we don't see him in the trailer, so we're guessing he'll be working as a valet.
"I said yes to Analyze That and Rocky and Bullwinkle, what the fuck's your excuse?"
Royal Caribbean Has Shipboard Skydiving and Robot Bartenders
Though their captains seem to have a disturbing habit of abandoning ship at the first sign of trouble, cruise liners are generally pretty safe and relaxing. You get to enjoy the majesty of the open ocean while sitting on a ship that weighs as much as a city block, helping to limit the amount of time you spend barfing your exquisitely-prepared meals over the side.
But where most ships are happy just to let you soak up as much radiation and booze as possible, Royal Caribbean said "to hell with that" and built Quantum of the Seas, a ship so ridiculously futuristic that it makes the USS Enterprise look like La Pinta. For starters: robot bartenders. You just tell 'em what you want through a touchscreen and they make it happen.
Just make sure you don't accidentally tap the big "enslave humanity" button they put there for some reason.
Being good and drunk seems as good a time as any to get behind the wheel of a bumper car, which you can totally do in this cruise, because nothing instantly improves any situation like bumper cars. If you're still alive and conscious after that, why not go for some indoor skydiving in their vertical wind tunnel?
Looking at that logo, we're guessing the whole ship is gonna morph into a giant killer robot at some point.
And let's face it -- with so much shit to do on the cruise, there's no way you'll even get a chance to look at the sea. Which is why they also decided to install holode-- uh, we mean, virtual balconies in interior staterooms, allowing steerage to enjoy the same view as the Rose Dawsons of the ship. Speaking of which, we hope the ship comes equipped with laser cannons to shoot down icebergs, because Poseidon doesn't take it so kindly when you try to send something this awesome into his turf.
When he's not sending fart messages, Chris writes for his website and tweets.
While we're on the topic, also check out 6 Futuristic Products for the Biggest Asshole at a Party and 6 Ridiculous Drinking Myths You Probably Believe.