5 Bootleg Toys That Are Straight Out Of The Bowels of Hell
Usually, the only disturbing thing about unlicensed merchandise is the thought that anyone could honestly buy an iPood player or a Rolax watch without realizing they're not exactly legal. However, there's a special subcategory of knockoff merch based on beloved children's franchises that replaces the expense of licensed toys with something affordable, and the family-friendly fun with something utterly nightmare-inducing. Such as ...
Dollar Store Magic Wand Comes With Bonus Satanic Terror
Unless you're Bill Gates or something, you've probably cheaped out and bought a younger relative a present at the local dollar store at some point -- after all, your jackass nephew didn't get you anything for your last birthday, so why should you spend more than $1 on him? Here's one good reason: If you look closely at the crappy off-brand toy you just bought, the horrifying image below might be hiding underneath.
We'd check under your pillow, too, just in case.
That's the adorable face one mom found after removing the shiny foil from an otherwise innocent-looking toy wand she bought at a dollar store in Dayton, Ohio. Apparently, China decided to slap Satan's anti-smoking, pro-suicide PSA on literally the last place someone would think to look. One enthusiast of schlock launched an investigation and discovered that the wand's packaging is decorated with a character from Cardcaptor Sakura, an anime series that, as far as we know, doesn't feature an episode where a demon girl slices her own wrists open (that was Digimon). It also includes Engrish phrases like this one:
I WILL DESTRUCT ALL THAT BEAUTIFUL IS.
Most of the wands contain images of anime characters or zombies; the wrist-cutting girl is rare, presumably to further convince you of your own insanity. No one knows who made it or what the logic was -- what we can tell you is that, although it promises to "Send Out Wonderful Music," what it actually does is laugh the cackling howl of the damned. Sorry, little Timmy, you're getting some candy or nothing next year. Probably nothing.
Five Nights at Freddy's + Disney = Pure Madness
Five Nights at Freddy's, a series of predictable jump scares loosely disguised as a video game, has spawned almost as many knockoffs as it has annoying YouTube videos. However, it's hard to imagine one creepier than Five Nights at Treasure Island, which, despite its name, involves no pirates (except, technically, the people who made it). No, this version actually stars Disney characters, taking the wholesome concept of giant anthropomorphic animals with dead eyes who want to hug your kids and turning it into something creepy. Somehow.
"Would you like to join the Mouseketeers? Would you like to make the sacrifice of flesh?"
For those unfamiliar with Freddy's: The premise is that you're an inexplicably immobile security guard keeping an eye on numerous animatronics who have a tendency to wander around in the middle of the night and viciously murder anyone they encounter. Treasure Island changes the setting from a family restaurant to an amusement park and replaces the generic animatronics with familiar faces from your childhood, such as negative Minnie here:
Has ... has she always had teeth? We honestly can't remember.
And if any of them reach you, you're treated to a scene like this:
Welcome to the Happiest Blood Orgy on Earth.
Even without any aesthetic changes, Disney's beloved characters look legitimately disturbing when cast through the grimy lens of a security camera in the dead of night, so we feel for any kid who stumbles across this game and discovers exactly what it is the Country Bears get up to when they're not Jamboreeing. Then again, the game is still a work in progress, so it's possible we'll bear witness to something even more terrifying: Disney's legal team.
There's a Chinese LEGO Knockoff With a Terrorist Kit
One of the few downsides of LEGO, besides the fact that it raised a generation of people who are paranoid about walking through a house without shoes, is that all your policemen, knights, and other heroic figures don't really have anyone to do battle with besides some lame skeletons and the same pirates your dad almost choked on when he was 5. Chinese LEGO knockoff GUDI addressed this oversight by releasing a worthy foe: a goddamn blocky terrorist.
Cobra's been hit bad by a budget crunch.
We're not sure what makes that vehicle an "Air Car," exactly, but we're also not going to be the ones to ask, considering this is the closest a LEGO figure has ever come to looking legitimately intimidating. And is that a LEGO suicide vest strapped to him, or does he just need a lot of pouches for terrorist stuff?
He used to wear a fanny pack, but the other terrorists made fun of him for it.
The back of the box even includes some fun facts about the real version of the weapon, such as the amount of rounds it can fire and its maximum range, so this thing is fun and informative. Honestly, the set looks rad, but that's the problem -- kids will want it because it's awesome, and next thing you know they're trying to run away from home to join ISIS. OK, we take back what we said before: We get why you stick to shitty skeletons now, LEGO.
My Little Pony Blow-Up Dolls
Bronies, or adult fans of My Little Pony, get a lot of undeserved flak. Frankly, it's really no one's business but your own what little girls' television shows you watch in your spare time. That being said, if you feel the need to buy a "Sexy Inflatable Girl Pony," please stay the hell away from us and anywhere children congregate.
That's a tail, just to be clear.
Lecherous Rainbow Dash stands 5-foot-9, has one heck of a set of birthing hips (flanks?), a facial expression that makes her look like she's embarrassed for being caught with her hand in the cookie jar, and clearly isn't afraid to show off what her unholy Chinese corporate mama gave her. She was also designed by someone who has never, ever seen a horse. All this can be yours for a mere $599, or you can get a bulk order of Rainbow Dashes for as little as $99 apiece, in case you've ever wanted to stage an all-inflatable pony re-creation of Eyes Wide Shut.
This is the second-weirdest prom photo we've ever seen.
Reaction from fans has been mixed, with some expressing their disgust and others just panting heavily and muttering something incomprehensible about apples and sugar cubes. Purists pointed out that Rainbow Dash is missing her wings, and it's just hard to get excited about fucking a giant inflatable pony when the manufacturer clearly doesn't care about attention to detail. The biggest question on one fan's mind was "How do you MOUNT this?" ... which, while an admittedly valid query, to us ranks far behind, "Why?" And, "So, how do we go forward now that we have definitive proof that life is meaningless?" And, "No, seriously, why?"
Knockoff Frozen Toys Are Trying to Murder Your Kids
Demand for Frozen merchandise is still high, and demand for Frozen merchandise that will make children happy without dipping into their college fund is even higher. Fortunately, knockoff toymakers all over the world are more than happy to help out Disney with that little problem -- everyone wins! Except the kids, that is, because the people making these toys forgot one crucial step in the production process: making sure they don't try to kill anyone who plays with them.
For instance, in England some counterfeit Frozen snap bracelets turned out to be just thinly disguised metal measuring tapes that can cut the shit out of kids. "Her daughter just wanted to 'Let It Go,' but what she let go was blood," we're assuming at least one local news report said while covering this. In other news, snap bracelets are still a thing.
Rumors that Frozen is back in Pog form remain unconfirmed.
And then we have these counterfeit dolls from China, which actually look surprisingly well made for the Chinese toy industry's usual standards ...
"Frozen is the one where the wolf eats the little girl's grandma, right?"
... except for the part where the materials in them can "cause damage to the reproductive system, an increased risk of cancer, and asthma." "Do you want to make a child? Because we can't!" at least one Frozen fan will blurt out to her boyfriend in the future, before breaking down in tears and wishing that her parents had just taken her to see Free Birds like she wanted.
You can read more from Mark at his website.
For more playthings from the abyss, check out 5 Ridiculously Sexist Ways Toy Companies Are Targeting Kids and The 10 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Toys Exported by China.