As all Cracked readers know, we here are all about dishing the new juicy celebrity gossip buzz. So today on DishBuzz, I'm going to utilize Instagram, because you can learn a lot from a person's Instagram account: what they eat, what their pets look like, what their nails look like, who they've been texting, and that's it. Even celebrities are starting to share intimate moments and details with the rest of the world via their Instagram accounts. Since a lot of celebrities tend to be guarded about their personal lives and personality flaws, I thought I'd use their Instagram photos to delve into their lives and reveal some harsh truths about them because omg did you hear ...
If there's one thing I know about Ryan Seacrest, it's his name. The other thing I know is that he talks to famous people for a living and for the life of him he just can't even believe it.
"Welcome back, I'm Ryan Seacrest, and if I hadn't already pooped out all of my poop when I pooped from surprise earlier, I'd poop myself from surprise right now!"
Even when he's with people he works with on a daily basis.
"I'm flipping out because it's you again, still!"
After not even taking the time to Google "Ryan Seacrest," I can assume that he's had the "keeps his shit together while being near celebrities" gig for at least a decade. After Googling "Ryan Seacrest," I know that he's worked in radio since 2004. But what Google can't tell me is why he's so amazed to be near a microphone.
Or a television set.
But even ignoring all that, through no further Googling, I know that Ryan Seacrest has at least interacted with and/or seen a wide variety of things over his decades of life as a human being. And yet ...
"You guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys! A tree!"
Thanks to wild assumptions, I have concluded that Ryan Seacrest is from the past or the future, or he's like a reverse Benjamin Button who gets younger mentally but grows older physically so he's just now learning what trees are, or he's like a regular Benjamin Button who grows older mentally but gets younger physically and he's forgotten what trees are, or he's like an inverse opposite Benjamin Button who grows older mentally and physically, and he's just also pretty dumb.
If there's anything I hate more than John Mayer, it's not much. Maybe a John Mayer impersonator, but only because, like, why are they doing that? Who hired them, and for what, exactly? Seriously, get any other job. Oh, also war, I hate war. General evil stuff, I hate.
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General Evil Stuff
But mostly I just hate John Mayer. Don't worry, he asked for it. But apparently he's also a huge May Head, because he goes to every fucking John Mayer concert imaginable, it's nuts. He's just constantly traveling around the country, following J. May on tour. I just- You know, do something else with your life, man. Take a class, learn a skill. Hell, make music. Do anything other than watch John Mayer live in concert every fucking night.
"John! Look over here!" - John
I mean this guy goes to literally every one, it's ridiculous. No wonder all of his songs sound the same; he doesn't listen to any other music! J. May, if you're only watching your own concerts all the time, chances are you're not going to be pushing yourself creatively. Your music career will become an Ouroboros and you'll wind up with songs called "Wonderland of Your Body" or "I Can't Think of Any Other John Mayer Songs to Slightly Rearrange the Title Of."
And you think you're so cool just because you get to go backstage at a John Mayer concert, John Mayer? Well, you're not. Not if you go backstage to the same person's concert over and over. It's pathetic. And honestly, it's a little creepy. If I were John Mayer, I'd watch out for you, John Mayer.
Everything's cool, Biebs. Your camera seems fine. And even if it breaks, I'll bet you could just reach into your any pocket and find a new phone. Try it, try breaking your phone right now.
That was rough, I know, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that, JB, but look! See? You already have a new phone!
Also? You're not wearing your reading glasses, Jiebs. Why aren't you wearing your reading glasses? Are you embarrassed? 'Cause listen, don't let your crew make fun of you for needing glasses. I know teens and tweens can be cruel, but you need your glasses. You know that. Wear them. Wear your fucking reading glasses, Justin.
Oh, and lower your eyebrows, son! A lot of people follow and look up to you. If you keep this up, more people will start trying really hard to touch their eyebrows to their hairline. But that's impossible, because those things are separated by foreheads. It simply can't be done. It's alarming to think about pictures like this, pictures that almost 10 million impressionable young people are exposed to every day. Fangirl or fanboy, it is impossible to touch one's eyebrows to one's head. Again, because your forehead's in the way. Beliebers be tripping if they think they're going to touch brow to head without some kind of corrective surgery that removes the forehead. Please be more responsible, Justin Bieber, who I know reads this column. And speaking of corrective surgery ...