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During my two years here at Cracked, I've fought against irresponsible romantic advice publishing on five different occasions: I, II, III, IV, V. I won every single time. I held those books down and beat them until they knew it was their fault, and it was all training for this final boss battle against sex's greatest enemy: bestselling romance author and speaker, Gregory J.P. Godek.

Godek was an illegal bioweapons project by bitter, unlaid scientists to create a G.enetic O.rganism D.esigned for E.rection K.illing. G.O.D.E.K. throws out dating advice in the same way your body might throw out three pounds of uncooked meat. He thinks the idea of buying your girlfriend a pizza is enough content for three books. On Halloween, G.O.D.E.K. doesn't give out candy -- he gives children tips on keeping their marriage spontaneous with heart balloons and back massage coupons. And speaking of children, the following four books were printed on their flattened and dried remains:

Love Coupons: A Coupon Gift of Love and Romance (2009)

Released in 2009 for $5.99, this book is a collection of 22 coupons you tear out and give to your lover. They're exactly like the chore coupons we all gave our mothers when we were seven, only less erotic.

Here, lover: probably nothing. In fact, it's an IOU for probably nothing. Godek, you'd have a better chance of getting laid if you bought her a snow shovel. And ladies, if you're excited about your date letting you pick out your own lottery tickets, you're probably too young to be dating a child molester.

If you're involved in a kiss that started with a coupon, it has as much chance of ending in sex as a cervical smear.

"I'm sorry, we don't honor those here, ma'am. Yes, I can see what the coupon says. It says your husband knows less about women than the person who made your dress. And it says the two of you haven't had sex since we've had a coloreds only bathroom. Now if you'll please get back to your couples square dancing class, we have paying customers that could use this table."

"OK, honey, your present is for you, just for one day, to shut the fuck up." This is a very dangerous coupon to redeem. Not because your woman might realize you're telling her to shut up, but because it's hard to tell the difference between the panicked flailing that says "you're on my hair" from the panicked flailing that denotes ordinary sex. And ordering food is almost impossible with body language. You have to keep dropping a love handle on the phone until Pizza Hut says, "Who the hell is th- oh, your wife must have used a language of love coupon again. We'll send your pizzas right over, Mr. Godek."

Dear wife,

I can't fucking believe you used that coupon. The only thing that sickens me more than your pedestrian concept of romance is my willingness to indulge you in it. Why do we have to taunt our sexless marriage in this horrible new way? Is it really so hard for you to just die quietly? I will never forget that you and that coupon have done this to me. To us. To our children.

If that's your girlfriend's idea of spontaneity, scientists classify her as an igneous rock, except less wet. Telling a girl to order her own flowers is like telling a boy to give himself his own blowjob. She will not be happy or impressed. This coupon has less respect for the human clitoris than North Africa.

"Look, you're the one who redeemed the coupon, and I'm the one who ate Indian food and Indian food leftovers in the same day. So quit making faces and hold my hand through this. Hrnk! I'll be damned if I let you leave and tell all those bitches at your work that we can't even get through a romantic coupon together!"

Cuddling, snuggling, coupons and romantic comedies ... Godek, your ideas for dates sound like the side effects of chemical castration. You womanly little thing, the closest she'll get to fun on this date is when your pants come off and she laughs about how she thought you were a lesbian.

Enchanted Evenings(2001)

Re-released in 2001, Enchanted Evenings is a list of date ideas that retailed for $12.95. The tips range from pedestrian ideas like going out to dinner to retarded non-ideas like lists of Godek's favorite musicals. Despite its 137 pages, it has less actual content than a tampon applicator.

Yeah, and there's also a difference between wit and letting your brain pee wherever it wants. You're so stupid that your sperm can't figure out how to die during a wet dream.

Godek loves sex on a full stomach. He and his wife release so much gas during their love making that their bedroom sounds like Mexico City traffic. They're so accustomed to it that if you sit on a whoopee cushion near them they have a simultaneous orgasm and squirt hot dog water.

Hey, Godek. The fuck: you.

Sorry to have to do this to you, unwitting stranger, but the sight of Godek crying on top of his wife is too much of a burden for only two people to carry!

Ah, the classic songs that will make her say, "You remind me of both my gay fathers."

Just when you thought the fat content in Ben and Jerry's couldn't get any higher, Godek invites his wife to the factory. Face.

That's your whole idea? No wonder your wife's idea of a climax is watching you apologize from wet underwear.

Nice cleverness, dude. I can't tell if you learned sexual innuendo from a 12-year-old or a rape crisis center. Seriously, how did you get like this? You write like an alien monster left its dick in your brain.

So your idea is to take my date to an ATM? I guess she is a prostitute. Great thinking, Godek!

Judging from the rest of your book, you're going to need an extra pillow to weep into and six pizzas. And I suppose your wife just needs a large animal corpse to hollow out and fill with her eggs.

Hire a local youngster? Hire a local youngster!? Are you even listening to yourself, Godek? So this weird kid kickstarts your romance with Nintendo, and then what? "Thank you for the lesson, young lad. Yes, that's right. There's no way out. It's OK to scream. We like it when you scream. G.O.D.E.K.!"

Yeah, I get the idea that after you clean something there's more pubic hair on it than when you started. Is this really an "Enchanted Evening"? It seems like it only ruins housework and nudity. You have the personality of a bag of snakes and now you want to take your balls out while you wash dishes? Everything that you think is romance is what ancient people used to make their women sterile.

If you suggest this idea, your lover will react as if gallons of black fluid started spraying out of your mouth. This is skull-fucking crazy and so needlessly annoying to the rest of the world. I'm starting to get the feeling that Godek's boner can only come out when everything around him is trying to kill him. Which is probably why foreplay for him is fingering Old World lab apes.

And if your date doesn't speak English, this is a great way to warn her you're going to murder her.

I'm sure she'll have a blast too, Godek. And while you're rummaging around that poor woman with a flashlight, I'll get started on her suicide note so that afterward she can just sign her name and be done with it.

And a shark's every sense tells it your wife is a manatee.

I think Indiana Jones would be wondering why his starter is so salty, and Princess Leia would be using The Force to sense ... a presence ... yes ... the annoyed waiter's nuts ... soaking in your soup.

Why would I do any of this? To know what a dead foot feels like when maggots eat it? It's bad enough that this is the same damn enchanted evening suggestion as the one right before it, but those are the four most irritating impersonations you could have picked. I mean, Captain Kirk on a date with Lucille Ball? I think that would go ... a little something like this: AUTHOR GREGORY J.P. GODEK BEATEN TO DEATH BY RESTAURANT. NO ARRESTS MADE. INVESTIGATION CLOSED.

Jesus, it's like all the evil in the world collected inside this one asshole. I'd like to meet Godek's parents so I can ask them if there were skeletons pouring blood on them when he was conceived. His dark mind ... it's what an abortion would think if it knew what was being done to it. When Godek dies, if that's even possible, it will blast a pyre of insects into the sky to devour all our gods.

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Love Coupons (2006)

This coupon book was released back in 2006 for $5.95. If I have any criticism, it's that Gregory J.P. Godek's mind and genitals are wastelands of impotence. But in addition to that, this book lacks the subtlety of his later work. Almost every coupon is a tiny variation on "Fuck the person holding this."

This seems a little optimistic for a coupon. How many Buy-One-Get-One-Free pantyhose ads did Godek have to masturbate to before he decided that the coupon was the ultimate achievement in human sexuality?

Yeah, let's get this coupon sex over with. Although while I'm inside you I want you to know that virtually every commerce law considers this prostitution.

At least three hours? Am I dating a girl with no hobbies and two backup vaginas or am I just stuck in an uncooperative hot tub drain? I guess this is Godek. A sensuous extended lovemaking session for him probably means a king size Milky Way bar and a costume contest from her favorite cabaret.

Godek loves to feed the ladies. People do math in their heads when he and his date stand near an elevator capacity sign. His relationships only end in two ways: coronary and sink hole. Godek thinks cunnilingus is a type of buttery pasta and by the time he takes you on a third date, it will be.

We're all adults here, Godek. You can say "butt stuff." Honestly, this one scares the hell out of me more than any of the others. Imagine the kind of woman who has no problem buying sex with a coupon, and then try to imagine something she would be shy about doing. If you give her carte blanche on some sex, you're an hour away from making a proctologist invent an entirely new procedure.

1001 More Ways to Be Romantic (1992)

This was the 1992 follow-up to the smash hit 1001 Ways To Be Romantic. It was $18.95, but for that money you got hundreds of lists of songs and books that Godek likes. It's such a strangely arranged vomit of text and idiocy that it's possible someone finally did figure out how to make a room full of chimpanzees type.

Too bad your mom didn't have time to baby-proof her home while your skull was still soft, you goddamn idiot. Clumsy thoughts slide out of Godek's head like his twin brother's fetus on the end of a coat hanger.

This is definitely not a "way to be romantic." In fact, this might have mathematically disproven the existence of the female orgasm.

Be sure to draw a pair of eyes to let her know you'll always look after her and a knife to let her know you made dinner.

Five minutes on a date with Godek and it probably wouldn't break her heart if he did both of those at the same time.

And why do they call it fourplay when you do it with five fingers? Also, who decided to name it "golden shower" when female pee is bright green? And don't get me started on the ad wizards who came up with the "family size" bucket. More like "hors d'oeuvres size"! They clearly haven't spent hours tenderly wadding chicken parts into their lover's throat. Mmm ... breasts ... thighs ... gives you some other ideas, doesn't it? That's right -- buy her a turkey with the note "THANKS for GIVING me a bacterial rash!"

I'm not going to sleep with your beast wife, Godek!

This is what it looks like when a guy thinks with his penis and then turns out to not have one.

So I guess now we know how he lost his penis.

I wonder what it's like to look at the world with this kind of observational wit. Is every object a wonderland of insight and wisdom? Does he see a pencil and think about all the g-spots that pencil-owners must be able to scrape? Does he see a dog food coupon and wonder why there are no dog handjob coupons?

Yeah, I guess there's always that, dipshit. Godek, unexplained fish smells are more romantic than you. If you gave your girlfriend a list of medications you can't take with your hep-B pills, it would have more romance in it than this book.

Or you could let her have a conversation in peace, you clingy fruit loop. You probably wake your wife up every half hour to ask if she still loves you, don't you? You've sucked that woman's will to live so dry that birds die when she walks under them.

And you can write romance books that just stop when you run out of ideas, you stupid dick.


Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. Check out more from him at Seanbaby.com and follow him on Twitter.
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