The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books

Sex is something everyone claims to be good at, but very few people actually take the time to research. For a man to be a successful lover, he has to be attentive, fit and focused. As for a woman, she must be awake-ish and attached to her vagina.

There aren't very many structured ways to learn how to make love. In school, they taught us about sex by showing us pictures of chancres and child birth until crotches were our sworn enemies. And if pornographic movies seem anything remotely close to instruction manuals to you, the girls you're dating have chancres.

Luckily, I searched through dozens of used book stores to find research done on the art of sexing. Say a silent prayer for the genitals of your future lovers, because you're about to read some highly advanced, extremely erotic tips that will take your lovemaking to the next level.

#5. How to Make Love with your Clothes On: 101 Ways to Romance your Wife, by David and Anne Frahm

This book is a cry for help. My entry into this week's description championships is as follows: Reading the introduction to this book is like reading the panicked ramblings of a man with his dick caught in a Bible while his wife is flapping directly at him on leathery wings holding a Bible laser. He and his wife include so much religion in their sex life that Moses is their safe word, and they use it anytime it goes past first base.

Besides a clear message that his wife is out to destroy him, the introduction also included my favorite thing about buying used books--the fact that they're used. When fixing their sex life, the book's previous owner saw only one line worth highlighting: "Things are boring, empty and unexciting." Ha ha ha ha, what an awesome thing to find while searching for something to jerk off to!

If you make it past the intro, the book is 101 tips ranging from the obvious to the religious. And as you may have noticed, this book is CO-written. That means that every now and then, David's wife will add some "notes" to the page. If you listen closely, you can almost hear her screaming over his shoulder as he types.

You know, there are easier ways to get on a porno mailing list, David Frahm. Problems in the bedroom can't be solved by throwing your phone number out the window along with proof that you're desperate. If that worked, my sex life in middle school would have been more than a coupon for control-top panties.

I know women are supposed to be bad with numbers, but I don't think that's going to fool her.

I'm no biblical scholar, but when I read this: "Because of the savor of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee." That means lubricating virgins, right? If you're so bored that you have to start ritually lubricating virgins as a couple, you're about one step away from hunting humans for sport.

Did this guy think we needed help figuring out what to do with chick movies? Watch them with women!? That's literally their only application. What the fuck else would we do with them? If you look right on the back of the box of Bride Wars, it says "Warning: This film is only to be used to exchange for sex with needy women." Maybe next this fucking genius could write a book called One Thing to do with a Can Opener.

Is his wife a circus clown? Every other piece of sex advice is playing with balloons. And now you want me to come up with seven activities and goodies to put in them? A minute ago, you thought I was so stupid that you had to tell me what a chick movie was for! You know damn well my seven activities and goodies are going to be: new TV, sex with her friend, XBOX 360 Elite, blowjob during Rambo, Twitterring together about how small her ex-boyfriend's penis is, empty balloon and greeting card. David Frahm, you're ruining my life!!!

You know where I could find one, asshole? Because the only thing interesting about your book is how it's trying to make sex extinct.

#4. A Pocket Guide to Loving Sex, by Jane Hertford

I think the Pocket Guide to Loving Sex was written by the author of How to Enjoy Pizza and Why Tits are Better than Watching Cats Die. It's a very, very illustrated reference guide to every aspect of sex. It's perfect for beginners, as it treats the reader as if they recently landed on Earth and are piloting the hollowed remains of a strange hu-man shell.

There's even a helpful index in the back. So if your partner ever pants, "Let's do parting of the waves!" you can thumb to the page that teaches you how to do it, complete with the warning that she's probably going to put her finger in your butt. Speaking of, you never really realize how filthy sex is until you see a drawing of a hairy married couple with fingers in each other's butts.

Undressing, tonguing, boning outside, reverse penetration... it's all there! And with all the lovingly rendered 70s haircuts, it also acts as an NC-17 handbook for Supercuts employees. You know, if a client ever wants to see how their haircut will look next to, for example, a battery-operated cockring: #3. How to Make Love, by Hugh Morris

This 32 page pamphlet was printed in 1936, and it was not ahead of its time. Most of it is about how to spot a dame that spends too much of your money, and the rest is the dangers of pre-marital hanky panky. If you bought this book on the day it was released and have been following its instructions, you'll be getting your first handjob in seven years. Anyone who uses this book's 250-year plan to getting laid is going to have to devour the heart of their partner just to steal enough life force to smile about it.

This wasn't what I was expecting from an ancient tome of love making. I figured it would say HOW TO MAKE LOVE STEP ONE: Running Start. STEP TWO: Continue step one for 50 years until scientists invent the female orgasm.

Instead, what I found was confirmation of what I'd always hoped: My grandparents never had sex ever, for any reason.

#2. The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice, Excite and Enchant Your Lover with Words, by Bonnie Gabriel

This book is 220 pages of dirty talk described with the clinical precision of a research scientist slowly rubbing your nipples between his toes. Moan for him. If they offered a course on erotic talk in college aside from screaming how drunk you are in a fraternity, this would be your text book. Starting from the basics, it shows you how to convince someone to have sex with you, cursing the whole fucking time.

In fact, the sex talk in this book is so erotic, I decided I'd better soften it by presenting it in a less-sexual context. #1. 400 Creative Ways to Say I Love You, by Alice Chapin

This is another book designed to bring the spark back into a marriage. And as a pastor's wife, author Alice Chapin has attended many marriage enrichment seminars. If that doesn't qualify you to drain a reader's balls, nothing will. She's a wild woman, and her sex tips are all over the place, like the pieced together memories of a kidnap victim.

It's bad enough all my money ends up in there, now you want my hair too? What are you, a druid?

Every day? Man, this sex stuff is really going to eat through your bar of soap, lady.

I don't get it. Is that to find old semen? Because if that's what I use to get myself in the mood, I hope the next words out of your mouth are "you're under arrest."

I'll give you this one. Sex for fresh pudding is an economy we can believe in.

This one doesn't seem safe. In fact, I think it explains how years ago, I found this audio tape inside a bear:

I hope I've shown you and all your future sexual triumphs the importance of reading.