In a tiny section of the bookstore that no sane person ever enters lies a secret underworld of musings and advice-like tidbits… books that offer hundreds, sometimes thousands of tiny wisdoms. Well, I bought a pile of these books, hoping to gain knowledge from the cute community. After reading 24,504 folksy nuggets, I learned two things: These books are not to be trusted, and there’s a gun in my mouth.
14,000 things to be happy about.
Barbara Ann Kipfer, 1990
$6.95 or 2014 Gems per Dollar
Barbara Ann Kipfer has absent-mindedly compiled a disorganized list of things and called it a book. About one percent of them are things that make people happy, like “sleepyheads” or “fish.” But the rest seems to be made up entirely of things that pass across her eye as she thumbs through catalogs, or foods she happens to be in the mood for. More or less, it’s the diary of a lonely, hungry woman who never learned what a sentence was.
It doesn’t seem like she moved any items around after churning out the whole list, so sometimes you’ll hit patches where you can watch her mind go down a long path. Hmm, things to be happy about… drug stores, getting back correct change, headlines at the checkout line, clerks not calling out for a price check on Vagisil, applying soothing cream, rereading confusing instructions, applying soothing cream, making awkward eye contact with cats, surprise guests.
I can tell that Barbara isn’t the kind of woman that reaches for the stars, but tolerable temperatures? If you’re made notably happy by tolerable temperatures, you’d probably chain together orgasms from a cookie. I think Barbara might actually be my dream girl. You could wave at her from the PlayStation and she’d be riding that high for a week.
Every author hopes to be remembered by future generations for their wisdom. Ralph Waldo Emerson probably died with an enormous erection knowing that his words would one day mark the beginning of every high school valedictorian speech. Did Barbara imagine this when she wrote “hot dog buns”? Did she picture someone, some day, using her immortal words? “People of the future, welcome. You know, a wise person once said hot dog buns. Take these words with you as the future chairs on which you sit burrow cyber-tentacles into your body. From this moment on, the flesh harvesting mines of Glaar will be your home, and your grave.”
Fuck you, lady. How about that? (Classic comeback)
Try to think about a time in your life where you were so depressed you had to turn to the fact that manhole covers exist for comfort. There’s not even a word for that kind of depression. And if there was, you would have to beat a bleating walrus to death with a violin in order to pronounce it. But I think I might be stealing that idea from how George Lucas made Chewbacca’s voice.
“Why, I do declare, Mr. Beauregard! These mint julips are a fine, fine companion to this morning’s overhearin’s of banjos and rape.”
No one likes interacting with answering machines, but I imagine the invention of caller ID hit this woman harder than anyone. “Hi you two! I keep missing you! Well, this is Barbara again; I just wanted to call and chat about happiness. Things like, oh let’s see… phones, carrying phones into kitchens, open gas ovens, broken pilot lights, heads in gas ovens, shiny cigarette lighters, long pauses, the sharp whistle of accelerant igniting, chilling silences… I’ll call back in seven minutes!”
Fine, sweater vests sort of make me happy too. I’m not a monster.
When she runs out of things in her line of sight, Barbara sometimes writes down little sayings that make her happy. You know what? Good for her! We’re very proud of you, Barbara! Oh, I’m so hopped up on the positive energy of reading “cuticle cream” and “Sylvester Stallone, actor” that I could burst!
500 Great Things About Being a Dad
Steve Delsohn, 2001
$8.95 or 56 Gems per Dollar
Steve Delsohn is a sentimental father with the wisdom of a much dumber man who happened to write down 500 intimate memories. #358: Dancing your baby to sleep to Natalie Merchant. #291: Eventually your toddler will stop biting. Some will make you laugh, some will make you cry, but both of these things only have a chance of happening if you are actually Steve Delsohn.
Everything your kid does seems cute to you, which is the natural biological defense against discarding things that wail or squirt poop. The problem is, being surrounded with such cuteness all day ruptures a parent’s cute containment system. Then all these cute little stories start spilling out whether they’re relatable to anyone else or not. You know why there’s not a national council in charge of pronouncing “chicken” correctly? Because no one fucking cares, Steve.
Ha ha, that’s not right at all, you racist kid! Keep doing it! Daddy is going to finish his book in an hour at this rate!
Look, I’m not a doctor, Steve, but you need to stop transcribing your kid’s speech impediments and get it to the orthodontist.
Did he just watch Home Alone? What the shit does that mean? Well after careful thought, I think I have it narrowed down to three possibilities:
A: He doesn’t get along with people at work. “Steve, I just came by your desk to tell you that you’re so stupid your kid probably can’t even place in a spelling be- what’s this!? A seventh place spelling bee ribbon!? I was wrong about you, Steve. You’re alright.”
B: He lives in a bad neighborhood. “Give me your wallet, fool! Holy crap, is that kid holding a clock made out of a potato!? What were we talking about? Was I… oh yeah, I think I was giving you my wallet. See ya!”
C: His children are a squad of heroes that make math fun. “Argh! How did the accused Calcumaster Juniors get past the puzzles of my sinister MathMaze so quickly!? No matter! They’ll find the caverns of bicycle safety and diabetes even more treacherous!”
Astonished by eggs, huh? I guess not all his kids are, how do I put this delicately… confusing to his yenemies.
the wish list
by Barbara Ann Kipfer, 1997
$6.95 or 863 Gems per Dollar
A follow up to 14,000 Ways to Type Brain Vomit, this is Barbara Ann Kipfer’s list of 6000 achievements to check off, many of them subjective, even more of them impossible. It jumps between “be appointed ambassador to China” (page 209) to “be strong enough to lift a car” (page 228). Those might be bad examples, since you could easily check both of those off by being Hulk Hogan and the ambassador to China in my screenplay of China Dad.
The problem with handing the reins of your life over to a book like this is, and this is only a theory, it seems like it’s just some stupid bitch typing every single thing that pops in her head and publishing it. And to get a window into Barbara’s brilliant mind, “weave my own baskets” (page 262) follows shortly on the heels of “weave a basket” (page 107). She also gives you the option to check off both “learn to box” and “take boxing lessons.” Maybe there’s a box for “have the plot of the film Memento based on you” or “suffer multiple concussions” in there somewhere.
So if even the author and her worst-person-ever Editor didn’t read this book, what kind of person would? Luckily, I got this copy from a used book store, and it’s been used. Scattered through the first half of the book, dozens and dozens of boxes have been lovingly checked off. Strange boxes. Using these as clues, I’m going to try to figure out who owned this book before me.
This is a good clue. Not very many people walk in space. However, game designer Richard Garriott went into space last year with DNA samples from a ton of people including Stephen Colbert, Steven Hawking and the American Gladiator “Beast.” He would have taken Nitro’s DNA to space, but that shit already happens every time he jerks off. Boom! So I guess maybe this doesn’t narrow our search field down as much as I’d hoped. It does serve as a warning to any commercial aircraft flying over Nitro’s hydraulic masturbation chamber, though.
It looks like unfiltered solar radiation from the reader’s space walk didn’t have any harmful effects on his or her pulsing brood of baby eggs. This is much better news for them than it is for us.
He or she squeezed a fictional bread monster? Either this book owner missed with the pencil or their time in outer space showed them things we can’t imagine.
Smart. Very smart. They know we’re onto them.
What luck that the author of the book included such a bizarre scientific achievement and then the book made it into the hands of the one person who achieved it! It’s almost… too perfect.
Wait, this is so weirdly specific that I’m starting to think the book was written backwards around these circumstances. Is this the author’s own copy, written after returning from the stars? Maybe she got so tired of people leaving during the story of her 10 minute mystery novel shopping spree that she actually invented a circumstance where it could be appreciated.
This narrows it down a bit more. It’s either long-dead Swiss physician Adolf Fick or his partner Edouard Kalt. So we’re dealing with time travel or a haunted book. I’ll adjust my screaming accordingly.
Heart-breaking to fans of irony, this one wasn’t checked. I guess the reader took one look at themselves checking off boxes in a list of things to do with their life and realized this particular one didn’t apply. They must have had some kind of epiphany, because the frequency of box-checking after this page dropped dramatically. They didn’t even check off easy ones like “sleep with the door open.” Unless… was this owned by the ghost of an ancient eye doctor astronaut held prisoner in time jail on charges trumped up by the floor cleaner industry?
Well that throws a monkey wrench into my investigation. OK, so now we’re looking for a lunatic space woman with jumper cables attached to her reproductive system, taking credit for inventing contact lenses.
Uh oh. What the fuck does she have planned?
What? Whoever this book owner is, we haven’t heard the last of them. Some day the scope of their grand plans will all be explained, but probably only to the Super Friends after they are shrunken and helpless inside tiny jars.
2,002 Ways to Cheer Yourself Up
Cyndi Haynes, 1998
$8.95 or 224 Gems per Dollar
Every day, things fail and do the exact opposite of their intended purpose. Dirty sponges, land mines filled with medicine, fat girls stripping, a Kraken that buys everyone pizza when you release it… but this book takes it to the next level. This book is like a diaper that melts into shit when you pee on it. For page after page, Cyndi Haynes rewords “Give your life over to Christ!” and “Try frozen yogurt!” 1001 different ways each. It’s 2,002 cries for help that your crushed soul can no longer can answer.
Courage to what, put my head in a rope and jump?
Picturing someone typing that really, really makes me want to cry. Fuck this, I have to stop reading this book before I press down on this razor.
2002 Ways to Say “I Love You”
Cyndi Haynes and Dale Edwards, 1995
$5.95 or 336 Gems per Dollar
Books that Cyndi Haynes writes with her husband Dale are more insane than depressing. The two of them wrote many 2002 Something or Other books together, and their love for each other… well, I’ll let #1170 set the stage: “Invite her childhood friends and their dolls to an old-fashioned tea party in her honor.” My point is, they’re so open with their saccharine wuvvy duvvy that it feels like you’re walking in on Care Bears fucking. They live in a world of surprise quilts, puns and scavenger hunts that lead to love letters. And they want you to come along.
Be sure to do this in a book the two of you are co-writing together, you total whore.
I have never dated a girl that let me call it that.
I have gone out with girls that call it that, but never a second time.
This really seems like basic human politeness rather than an act of love. It’s a little scary that Dale’s wife needs to remind herself to not say, “I bet your diseased-dick urine sample melted through the doctor’s gloves. He’s going to come out here screaming and holding up sizzling nubs that used to be his hands, melted away by your super AIDS. Shit, you make this whole waiting room smell like a herpe. I haven’t had a date this bad since my last boyfriend took me to an STD clinic to dig for cans in the trash.”
“Sure, lady, I can build your husband a think tank. An abstract concept like that’s going to cost you, though. Cannons and armor I can get my hands on, but human brains… I can’t exactly walk into a schoolboy store and start lopping off heads, you know what I mean? Tell you what, lady, I’ll blow my magic whistle five times in the elf tree tonight and if you’re still a fuckin’ nutbar tomorrow, come on in and we’ll work out a price.”
“Hey, Dale, thanks for having us over to watch fights at your place, but I’m really tired of kissing you every time I have to take a piss. You got an alternate route to the bathroom, or are we going to sit around being homos all day?”
Dale thought of this one just before the pounding surf pulled him to a cold grave. He’ll be missed, the poor, brave bastard. But with 386 ways to say “I Love You” still left to write, could his widow carry on finishing the book? Here is the very next one: “1617. Put your out of season attire in storage to create more closet space for her clothes.” She’s… she’s so strong. She’s the real Mariah Carey’s “Hero.”
Thanks for the generous act of charity, bitch. Seriously, what harpy beasts did this guy date before Cyndi that this would be notable? “Skreee!!! I don’t care if you needed to get up at 7:30! My favorite number is noon! Plus, you know how clock buttons scratch my claws! Agh, look what you made me do! All this spraying stomach acid is ruining my lipstick! Caw!”
This is probably a lot easier when you’re a woman-shaped swarm of insects surrounding an enchanted pig’s skull like Dale’s wife.
He probably took out an ad that said, “Shooting her does no good! Each part of my wife must be individually burned to destroy her! We’re too late! Evacuate this bus!”
This entry was posted on Thursday, June 4th, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 20th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
holy fuck, this is one of the best things ive ever read.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
my sister sends me emails full of this shit. I don’t know who buys these crap ridden books, but I bet they crochet and have eighteen cats. (I knit and have only one cat)
October 12th, 2009 at 1:14 am
“woman-shaped swarm of insects…”
People asked me if I was all right because my pneumothorax-inducing spasms of laughter resembled hysterical sobbing more than they did laughter.
I was a frequent reader of seanbaby back in the day, but it’s been years since I checked in. I should have done so much sooner. I can scarcely believe that in the intervening years seanbaby was not abducted by the residents of the Andromeda Galaxy to represent cynical male humanoids at the Intergalactic Council.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
One of the funniest things I’ve ever read
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:31 pm
I laughed so hard at the check off part that I thought I was going to lose consciousness from not breathing. Seanbaby, you are awesome.
September 18th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I’m going to get fired. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m “okay” because I’ve been trying to mask my laughter with coughing. I think they’re starting to get suspicious. BUT IT’S FRIDAY, so WHO CARES! I’m super peeved that I can’t read his Six Degrees of Su-Su-Sudio article… that particular one and a few of his others won’t come up on my computer.
September 11th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Way to go on actually reading all of those books without finding something tall to jump off of.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Holy fuck you have no idea how hard I had tot ry to not burst out laughing at work
One of the best articles I’ve read
#1616 had me dying
September 8th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
“My favorite number is noon!” damn near killed me…
I hate these books for the simple reason that the dipshits at Barnes & Noble always stock them in the literary theory section. Unless they think it’s experimental?
September 4th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I held my laughter in until the manhole covers. This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time.
August 30th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
definitely should not have read this in the library…fucking hilarious
August 28th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Best. Article. Ever.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Wow, I thought I used to laugh at your “Superfriends” page back in the day, I think I almost ruptured something laughing at this nonsense.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Listen to Mariah Carey’s “hero” for a little courage. Courage to what? put my neck in a rope and jump?
I had it under control until this one. I laughed out loud and was embarrassed at work.
August 15th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I read Cracked religiously, but I can honestly say that I haven’t laughed this hard at an article in years. I literally feel sick from laughing so hard. Good show, sir. Bra fucking vo.
August 11th, 2009 at 8:38 am
@Sarkazmo
…
I really want to read that book again now.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
That was awesome. I laughed especially hard at the 2002 Way to Say I Love You. I had to set my laptop aside for a minute or two while I regained control.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
*laughing hysterically* Oh… my… god… I love you. That was the funniest thing I have ever read. The Wish List was the best though.
“Well that throws a monkey wrench into my investigation. OK, so now we’re looking for a lunatic space woman with jumper cables attached to her reproductive system, taking credit for inventing contact lenses.”
I actually started crying because I was laughing so hard. Very well done!
August 5th, 2009 at 2:05 am
Damn.. perhaps I should stop writing my 101 ways to spell Bob….. ehem… anyways awsome article and very funny.
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Loved the Mirah Carey’s references.
Whole thing got a good laugh out of me
August 1st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Does “101 Uses for a Dead Cat” meet your criteria for this list?
Sarkazmo
July 31st, 2009 at 9:10 am
This should say NSFW… because I read it at work and was crying I was laughing so hard… and then everybody thought there was something wrong with me.
…worth it.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:44 am
The Mariah Carey part killed me. I can’t even think of it without laughing.
Killer job.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:24 am
Seanbaby, you continue to impress.
July 27th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I lol’d for like 20 minutes at the check list book. Seriously.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:36 am
seanbaby, you’re the shit! I love it!
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
what sort of a fucking douche sits there with a moron like that failed stripper “Cyndi”, who is your WIFE, and writes out what is essentially one giant steaming love letter. fuck, some people need to be sterilised.
July 21st, 2009 at 8:16 am
Darren…
…
July 19th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
This article is almost, ALMOST as boring as the books it discusses.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
XDXD Dude, I fucking love you! This is hilarious! And so true, lol!
July 15th, 2009 at 8:01 am
I almost wet myself from laughing so hard at this. for the hundredth time. it’s just as good every time!
July 15th, 2009 at 7:46 am
I think I am in trouble have just been caughtgiggling to this article whilst at work…well done -comic brilliance
July 14th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
I have to say you really outdo yourself!! Congratulations, I hate idiots so much and you showed me how much more idiocy there is in our world like my moral “Stupidity has no limits…” sadly that’s true
July 14th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
This is the second article I’ve read by seanbaby. I was reading parts of it out loud to my wife, and twice I had to stop, because I was laughing so uncontrollably that I couldn’t open my mouth without cracking up.
Well done.
2 comments though…
The wish list.
-Write in at the end of the last page.
“Alas I couldn’t finish these, I hope you will carry on where I have failed.” And add instructions to where the new owner can find your ‘notes’
2002 Ways to Say I Love You.
#889– my immediate response: “You total whore.”
July 13th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
LMAO.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:44 am
I literally couldn’t stop laughing all along the article…. One of the best I ever read here at cracked!
July 12th, 2009 at 3:07 am
This is fucking hilarious. You have a real knack for finding the comic nerve, keep it up!
July 10th, 2009 at 7:20 am
The other columnists occasionally make me laugh out loud, but seanbaby’s the only one that does it consistently.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
I really love most of the things I read on this site, but this is by far the funniest thing I have read here… Or EVER.
Laughing out loud the whole time.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Oh, wow . . . I could NOT stop laughing. This is hilarious. Thank you for that.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Great article!
July 9th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Agreed with Murphy haha.
This Cyndi bitch is bat-shit crazy.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:20 am
i laughed so hard i thought i was going to poop but it was just a fart, thanks
July 7th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
“Try really, really hard to get excited about your life again.”
C’mon man, her brain was destroyed by all that heroin, and shes just trying to live the clean life. Give poor, mentally challenged Cyndi a break, if you grew up in THAT neighborhood, you’d be a crack whore too.
July 5th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
The “sounds of the Deep South” bit is possibly the greatest rape joke ever written.
July 4th, 2009 at 5:45 am
toll booth lol. genius!
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
This one made me laugh in public. It’s about time!
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 am
I just laughed so hard I got a little dizzy and was concerned for my future heart health. Mostly because my favorite number is also noon.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 am
HAhahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! “Skreee!!! I don’t care if you needed to get up at 7:30! My favorite number is noon! Plus, you know how clock buttons scratch my claws! Agh, look what you made me do! All this spraying stomach acid is ruining my lipstick! Caw!”
MAn, thats the funniest thing I ever fucking read in my whole life!! I just love you!
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:54 am
ugkighkhjkghjotyuoryuolturteu323234343456tuijktys ndhfgjdghm ,nm gh poo
June 27th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
[...] (UnRelated Link): Seanbaby awesome. Seanbaby very awesome. Take notes, Jaskon, take [...]
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Great article really inspiring…
I mean, shit, if these people manage to get published AND get good reviews on Amazon then maybe there’s hope for my books.
Here’s some titles I’m playing around with.
“One thing to be happy about”
Someday all of these authors will be worm amusement parks.
“500 great things about being an Inspirational Author specific serial killer”
“The Death List”
1. Barbara Ann Kipfer
2. Steve Delson and his yaughter
3. Cyndi Haynes and her wife
“2002 Ways to Use Cyndi Haynes skin”
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Finally! A comments section that rivals youtube’s in name-calling and bruised ego-licking, with spelling mistakes to boot. Life is worth living again.
Seanbaby, Excellent article. Read it twice, and still laugh out loud funny.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Working in a Hallmark store, we have a ton of these books. and they are just as bad…although 1001 things to make you smile is just one word things, so it’s a quick read.
I did not find penises in there though…so I didn’t buy it.
June 20th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
omg this was so funny - i could not stop laughing
but the really sad part are people who bought this books and thought they were helpful
“try, really really to get excited about life again” - god someone with depression will end dead - hell even someone with it will get a gun and kill them selfs
“Thanks for the generous act of charity, bitch. Seriously, what harpy beasts did this guy date before Cyndi that this would be notable? ”
hahaha i love this article
how can people write books like this - hell i can write a better book
June 20th, 2009 at 2:54 am
I too cried laughing through the whole article, but now Im gonna go hang myself, bye.
June 19th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I would really like to borrow that gun you had at the beginning there Please.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I literally cried laughing while reading this.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Amen! Lol
June 17th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Dear god…the utter shit that gets published these days…Seanbaby, I totally agree with you on this.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:48 am
I can’t stop giggling. I’ve never been much for any of this saccharine bullshit, but these are even worse than I imagined. *shiver*
June 15th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Still crying laughing! Brilliant!
June 14th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Goddamn, that last one was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
June 14th, 2009 at 4:04 am
[...] 24,504 Reasons to Burn Books - A really funny look at really crappy self-help books. [...]
June 13th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Why does she need two life preservers?
June 13th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
1596 WAS MY FAVORITE.
June 13th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
may i ask, what’s with tyou, seanbaby? you wrote before you came to cracked. i’ve read bits and peices - it was pretty damn good.
you join cracked and write a a mediocre article and a - sorry to say - not very good article.
then you write a good one
then you write one that made me drink milk just so i could spray it out of my mouth laughing
this and the carlos mencia article have made me feel physically sick from laughing too hard
the alarming rate of improvement doesnt really tie in with the long successful career pre-cracked…
June 13th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
This was way too fucking funny.
June 13th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Good old Cracked stuffs. Here are more fun videos, “Week’s Most Hilarious Videos 6/8″ http://tv1.com/playlists/436
June 13th, 2009 at 12:37 am
cried laughing, now going to go read all of your articles you genius
June 12th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
I almost spilt my tea from laughing, and i’m not actually joking. Damn my british heritage.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
That’s glorious. I’ve wet myself laughing.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
FUCKING FUNNY!! I LOVE yoU SEANBABY!!
June 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am
hilary arse
June 12th, 2009 at 11:11 am
FROROFOFOFJMIO IONFDIOSNFIO FIRST~~`!!!!!!11!!1one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111one11111111111111111111111q
June 12th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Oh my god I laughed my fucking brains out. I almost yakked laughing. That was so great.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:47 am
“game designer Richard Garriott went into space last year with DNA samples from a ton of people including Stephen Colbert, Steven Hawking and the American Gladiator “Beast.””
Unfortunately, he ate them all on the launch pad as he thought the samples were a “delicious gay snack tray”.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
This was utmost hilarity man. I cracked a rib trying not to laugh out loud and wake up my roommate. Can you please do more of these forever?
June 11th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
“1566. Pretend not to notice his enlarging bald spot.
Be sure to do this in a book the two of you are co-writing together, you total whore.”
my god, that’s some funny shit
June 11th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Dammit, I have pneumonia. Stop making me laugh!
June 11th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Jesus fuck, that “My favourite number is noon!” nearly had me pissing myself. Very solid.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
This was so funny that I nearly gave myself an asthma attack by laughing so hard.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
This really seems like basic human politeness rather than an act of love. It’s a little scary that Dale’s wife needs to remind herself to not say, “I bet your diseased-dick urine sample melted through the doctor’s gloves. He’s going to come out here screaming and holding up sizzling nubs that used to be his hands, melted away by your super AIDS. Shit, you make this whole waiting room smell like a herpe. I haven’t had a date this bad since my last boyfriend took me to an STD clinic to dig for cans in the trash.”
i laughed out loud so hard at this that my coworkers are now looking at me like i’m crazy. hilarious
June 10th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
I haven’t laughed out loud in a long time. Honestly, very few things make me laugh out loud. This is one of those things. Genius.
June 10th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
@ Naomi
Naomi my dear, I think you missed the target by miles, at least in response to my post.
You see, I take no issue with the fact that whoever the fuck it is I posted that response to doesn’t like Seanbaby. Even if I cared about something so trivial, that’d be for Seanbaby to suss out with the guy on his own. I don’t get paid to wave the Seanbaby flag, so why would I give a shit about who does or doesn’t like his work? No, I just wonder why it is that you’ll often find folks actively engaging in something that they’ll claim to dislike, when most sane people would stop doing it and go find better uses for their time.
For example, you may eat your husband’s cum just to try it out once. If it ends up leaving a bad taste in your mouth, you’re not going to continue to let him unload millions of potential babies down your throat. You’re going to do the rational thing and tell him squirt his load on your tits or your ass, as long as it keeps that shit as far away from your mouth as possible. The point is that you’re not going to drink his sperm again if you didn’t like it the first time.
This is the same principle at work. If the guy/gal/other doesn’t like Seanbaby’s work, then the rational thing to do would be to stop reading it the moment he came to that conclusion and naff off to do whatever it is the amalgamation of retard and the ability to type does in order to bring a little sunshine to its assuredly boring life, but in spite of knowing how little Sean’s work appeals to him/her/it/whatever in advance, this fucknut comes back just to tell us that…”Nope, still aint workin’ fer me, hur-hur!”, implying that it read another of Sean’s pieces in spite of how little the thirty or fourty others that she probably read before this one made his dick/clit/tentacles quiver.
Anyway, the tone of my post was in fitting with the spirit of Sean’s work. It’s all satirical and over-the-top, and so too was the tone of my response. However, the point still stands. Why the fuck would someone continue to expose themselves to something they don’t enjoy? His opinion is his own and he’s welcome to it, but the funny thing is that he probably wouldn’t have been around to share it with us in the first place if he wasn’t such a masochistic fuck-wit. And that’s the point, my dear.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:47 am
The hilarity of this article was quite mind-boggling. Kudos to the Seanbaby.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:40 am
This might be the funniest shit I have ever read. Seanbaby is like some kind of national treasure …. or I am more screwed up than my doctors thought - probably both.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:03 am
So awesome, I peed.
June 9th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
An article full of awesometude
June 9th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
This was hilarious! I laughed so hard at the harpy part, I could totally picture and hear it. So funny!
June 9th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I haven’t laughed this hard in ages, the 2002 Ways to Say “I Love You” actually had me in tears.
Thanks for a great end to a shitty day!
June 9th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Ahhhh wow this made my week. xD And Sean and Tommy, chill out, no one’s making death threats. I think you’re overreacting- alot. The guy was just voicing his opinion. Tommy, that is disgusting. No one needed to see that image. o.O
Great work, the “manhole covers” one about the walrus had me nearly pissing my pants. xD
June 9th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
hilarious!
June 9th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I love the notion of people so outraged by seanbaby’s article that they’ll learn him good by voicing disdain. I bet a lot of them make up part of sohappy’s statistic, which makes me wonder something else. Does anyone have a copy of ‘The wish list’ handy to check if there’s a little ‘[ ] Write death threats to those who say Barbara Ann Kipfler’s inane lists aren’t up there with Tolstoy’?
Given some of the responses I can only speculate that she put that one in between some of the gems above.
Makes you think though; if Al-Qaeda had “500 ways to get 72 virgins” sitting beside the checkout in Barnes & Noble or Waterstones they could have far more diehards.
#1 Decorate a cave
#2 Take flying lessons….
June 9th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
And yet you read it anyway.
Why would you do that? Do you make it a habit to stick your dick (Or tits if you’re a woman or a particularly fat man that can’t find his penis through the many folds of disgusting fat) into a fire just to remind yourself that it still hurts as much as the last time that you did it?
If you’re not a fan of Sean’s work, why would you bother reading a several-thousand word article written by the guy unless you’re a pulsating sack of retard? Wouldn’t a sane person skip it?
June 9th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I’m not particularly a fan of Sean’s work. Little bit to random, for my taste.
June 9th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Crazy news from Amazon.com: There are more than a million copies of “14,000 Things to be Happy About” in print. It’s out in a new, updated edition. Nobody has rated it below 4 stars.
June 9th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Barbara Ann Kipfer has a website, thingstobehappyabout, with tonnes of these and even has a “happy list creator” so that we mere mortals can create lists of things off the tops of our heads.
Thanks for the laughs, seanbaby, this article made my day.
June 9th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Wow. I scrolled through the comment section and realised that a lot of people have nearly the same name as me. It’s like ‘Attack of the Clones’ or something. Oh, and I relised why Abby got verbally raped. She insinuated that the people who enjoyed this article were stupid. Good way to get attention, I suppose. Also a good way to lose friends, I hear. Perhaps the old saying ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’ applied here, hmm?
June 9th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I had one in the early part of this decade, that I bought as a joke. It was a book with little tidbits “for lovers”. One of them was, “Roleplay camping in the woods. Pretend to be a friendly bear.” I shit you not.
June 9th, 2009 at 10:27 am
“It jumps between ‘be appointed ambassador to China’ (page 209) to ‘be strong enough to lift a car’ (page 228). Those might be bad examples, since you could easily check both of those off by being Hulk Hogan and the ambassador to China in my screenplay of China Dad.”
I think I read those lines like four times and laughed harder each time.
June 9th, 2009 at 10:20 am
This was great. I contract as an electrician, and that request would not surprise me in the least. My response would be fairly similar to the one you provided also. Keep it up.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:22 am
Anyone notice that all but one of these books were written in the nineties? There must have been a big market for authors spouting bullshit in cheery list-form. It it was probably all the prozac everyone was taking.
June 9th, 2009 at 1:51 am
The 24,504 Worst Pieces of Advice Ever Published | Cracked.com…
-…
June 8th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Please do not write anything funnier than this ever again. I blame yo for laughing out loud in the middle of my French class.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
For the first time EVER I am going to be completely honest, and not sarcastic in the least. I’m not going to follow up with an insult, or some ridiculous trolling phrase.
Never write something this funny again. I am physically in pain. I made it about half way through the article before I had to stop for ten minutes because I couldn’t breathe. Completely honest. No lie. No hyperbole. For the love of god man, I have loved ones who need me! I never sired an heir! I can’t die yet!
June 8th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Funniest thing I read today lol. Keep up the good work seanbaby.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
I - I actually started crying from laughing so hard.
June 8th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Super funny article. Your think tank contractor almost made me pee my pants. I went back and read all of your articles.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
I usually don’t comment on the articles (even though i find them hilarious) and i wasn’t meaning to comment on this one either. but this flame war was funnier than the article they were commenting on. keep up the good work abby and jorden.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I just checked out this article.
But is it too late to start a Jordan blow job bandwagon?
June 8th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
2. Good to know.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Definitely excellent. This article made me hate people I didn’t even know existed up until now.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I almost passed out due to lack of oxygen from laughing so hard!
June 8th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Hey guys, how long have been single? Do U wanna find your special one easier and more effective?? Please check out__ http://WealthyMingle.net _where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
June 8th, 2009 at 11:35 am
This last section made me laugh the hardest. I like how there is a “give HER your life preserver”…but i wonder if there is a give HIM? Why not share?
Thanks for the lols.
June 8th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Genius
June 8th, 2009 at 10:41 am
This was hilarious, I couldn’t stop laughing, the entire time, I laughed so much and so hard that my roommate ran into my room thinking I was having some sort of seizure or something. This is hilarious.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:04 am
OMG, I couldn’t stop laughing!! Especially that last one!! Poor guy!!
June 8th, 2009 at 7:53 am
My god I think that was the funniest thing I’ve ever read on cracked.
June 8th, 2009 at 7:02 am
“Steve, I just came by your desk to tell you that you’re so stupid your kid probably can’t even place in a spelling be– what’s this!? A seventh place spelling bee ribbon!? I was wrong about you, Steve. You’re alright.”
Fuckin awesome.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Just to let you know how good it was and how far things get. I´m from Argentina, and my friend living in Australia forwarded the link. It Was FUCKING HILARIOUS!! I came to work and I spend the whole morning laughing…one after the other one…hahaha! It´s good to know there´s people with common sense somewhere else.
Thanks again…and congrats!
June 8th, 2009 at 3:24 am
The only thing I liked better than the harpy beasts was the hysterical comments. (That’s not to say I didn’t burst out laughing at the rest of the article, but it’s hard to beat a lesson on removing tampons.)
June 8th, 2009 at 1:24 am
var dude;
for (var i=0;i<infinity.length;i++)
{
dude +=”U rule!! “;
}
June 8th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Swarm of insects, shaped like a woman, surrounding an enchanted pig skull. Goddamn, that is some apocalyptic horseman imagery right there.
I read all of this hoping my silent, seizing laughter wouldn’t wake my GF, exposing her to my pale, naked body glowing in the monitor light and my face grimacing with glee.
Thanks, Seanbaby.
June 7th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
seanbaby has gained my respect
June 7th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
This is so amazingly hilarious, thank you.
June 7th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
“Gone Fishing: I have never dated a girl that let me call it that.”
OMG…….that seriously had me choking w/ laughter. I officially have MUCHO RESPETO for seanbaby now
June 7th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
heee…that first book, in itself, is enough to be happy about.
the fact that hot dog buns would make anyone happy…
oh, i hurt from laughing.
also. there is a book called ‘11002′ things to be miserable about.’
it actually makes a lot more sense.
June 7th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Can’t…gasp…stop..laughing.
487 Hire a builder to build him his own think tank: “Tell you what, lady, I’ll blow my magic whistle five times in the elf tree tonight and if you’re still a fuckin’ nutbar tomorrow, come on in and we’ll work out a price.”
1596 Have a toll booth in your home where you must kiss to pass through:“Hey, Dale, thanks for having us over to watch fights at your place, but I’m really tired of kissing you every time I have to take a piss. You got an alternate route to the bathroom, or are we going to sit around being homos all day?”
889 Reassure him while he’s waiting for test results to come back from the doctor: “This really seems like basic human politeness rather than an act of love. It’s a little scary that Dale’s wife needs to remind herself to not say, “I bet your diseased-dick urine sample melted through the doctor’s gloves. He’s going to come out here screaming and holding up sizzling nubs that used to be his hands, melted away by your super AIDS. Shit, you make this whole waiting room smell like a herpe. I haven’t had a date this bad since my last boyfriend took me to an STD clinic to dig for cans in the trash.
All of the above had me laughing so hard that I may have dislodged something. Your suffering at having to read that crap is however, my gain. So thanks.
June 7th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I laughed and couldn’t stop at “He’s going to come out here screaming and holding up sizzling nubs that used to be his hands”.
June 7th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
“Invite her childhood friends and their dolls to an old-fashioned tea party in her honor.” … … …
I’ve been reading all and each of cracked’s articles, columns and craptions in the last two weeks, and so far, this one has become the most creepiest sentence I’ve heard so far…
And yes, I’ve alredy read the mutilating dicks on the medical malpractices article…
June 7th, 2009 at 9:03 am
People keep asking me what kind of a writer I want to be, and with SeanBaby’s inspiration, I now know.
Oh, no…not humor. I’ll write inane “advice” books. “2009 things to be happy about in 2009…with cuddly animal pictures!!!”
I can already see bags and bags of money coming in, all from grandmas who give these as graduation gifts, and “friends” who give them to single women about to be forty.
June 7th, 2009 at 6:59 am
So good, so far! LOL
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June 6th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I love this one
June 6th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I haven’t laughed so hard since “what the f— happened to television” a few minutes ago. LOVED it.
June 6th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
I haven’t laughed so hard in months.
I’m wiping away tears from laughing so much.
Thanks man
June 6th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Holy Crap! I nearly peed myself at the “#889 Reassure him while he is waiting for the test results to come back from the doctor.”
Hilarious article through and through, and totally made my day.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I can’t even pick a quote. Seriously. From the care bears to the giant herpe, to the smart kids, to the walrus beating, this is just too freaking funny.
June 6th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I remember reading that Seanbaby was going to start writing for Cracked, and was very excited to have the chance to see more material from a man whom I consider to be one of my largest inspirations in writing.
This article is definite “classic” Seanbaby material, far moreso than anything else of his I’ve seen lately.
Excellent work. I look forward to reading more!
June 6th, 2009 at 10:50 am
“My point is, they’re so open with their saccharine wuvvy duvvy that it feels like you’re walking in on Care Bears fucking”
Simply brilliant.
I choked on my drink. Loved this article.
June 6th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Really good, Seanbaby!
June 6th, 2009 at 10:03 am
This article can remind an amnesiac how to hate.
June 6th, 2009 at 5:50 am
@Warden Wells
Not that it matters much, but Abby is actually a guy, he came out 2 days ago when this argument started. At the beginning he was pretending to be a woman and blasting our sexist period jokes, then for some reason he said he was a guy. So go easy on him/her, I think it’s a bit confused. However, everything you said still applies.
@Abby
That’s awesome your children are writing a book about you, so sweet of them. Maybe the money from the book can go towards your brain cancer and/or stringless-tampon removal, put me down for 2 copies! Oh, and here’s a website that I thought would cheer you up, really your kind of humour:
http://lolcats.com/
Toodles mate!
June 6th, 2009 at 4:16 am
I have always been an ardent fan, Seanbaby (ever since your long-ago, well-deserved shots at “Super Friends”), but with this article, you have finally convinced me that I absolutely must build a shrine to you. My daily offering will be the sad, sad tears I weep for the fact that no matter how I strive, I will never, ever write anything as funny as your masterpieces.
June 6th, 2009 at 3:43 am
HAHAHAHA
keep write seanbaby, your freaking hilarious.
June 6th, 2009 at 2:43 am
Usually, I find SB’s stuff a bit too long winded. But this, and stuff from recent weeks has convinced me that he is actually a great addition to the cracked blog team.
It’s probably because I had a low opinion after his first article.
Consider this my apology to all things funny, I shall never judge a blogger based on their first article ever again.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:52 am
I just took a dump behind the couch and this article is a pisser. Think about it!
June 6th, 2009 at 12:26 am
Hey, did Abby finally shut off her humor-devoid brain for the night and shuffle off into a corner and die?
“It’s not funny to pick on easy targets! wahh.”
+
“MY kids are super duper smart, they could read before they were born and they’re working on their first novel “10,000 ways I’m embarrassed by my mother’s existence.”
=
“I’m a liar and my kids are mute, have gigantic heads, and people roll them around the playground because they’re genetically inferior thanks to me.”
If you don’t like this type of humor, I’m sure there are plenty of forwards in your fucking inbox with funny cat pics and daycare stories that are just waiting for you to click them, you obnoxious cunt.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Absolutely dongtastic work. Sure, they’re easy targets, but not everyone can rip the shit out of them that well.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
It will be on THAT day that your appreciation for manhole covers will start to take root.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Seanbaby, one day either:
a) Mankind will stop selling utter crap, or
b) Your crap radar (which I like to call “craydar”) will wear out and break.
On that day, you will be unemployed (and possibly hungry for crayfish) and I will be very sad.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
@ Exploding_OmgIjustcalledPETAonyou
Meh, you know what I meant >_>
June 5th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
@ Tucker
I both write my own articles and hang out in the PWOT forums, I just like to have several avenues of cyper madness open at once.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Yeah because comment sections are usually completely relevant.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I love the comments section. It’s awesome how irrelevant some of these arguments are. It’s like reading-
“I don’t CARE that chocolate is stuck to the rabbit, it’s goddamn summer in China, so take that, person-who-must-be-wrong-because-they-disagree-with-me. Jr.”
Stop fighting, and create your own articles, or go to the forums, or bitch about your friends and families like normal people for goodness sake.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I love how my comments about British girls being tight is turning into a sociological discussion. But yes Rose, I don’t know about the bible belt but it’s well known that Catholic School girls are whoores. Almost every bukkake centerpiece I’ve had was a Catholic girl.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
@ Abby: My comment about not having children was a bit of a low blow, and I apologise for that.
Glad to help keep y’all entertained, though.
As far as being easy goes, American women are a rather interesting breed. The girls where I’m from (Israel) are usually either ultra-religious or are pretty upfront about being slutty. Occasionally both. But the girls in the Bible belt are a different breed entirely. They’ll do their best to act like they’re wearing a chastity belt, but once you get them alone, it’s another story. I don’t even bother with all the Southern-Belle bullshit, the whole culture is pretty full of it.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Wow guys, I can’t believe the flame war is still burning so brightly. Keep up your dedication, you’re keeping us all entertained.
@ Jordan
I’m an Aussie now but was born in the UK and lived there for a while in my late teens/early 20’s. The chicks where I am from (the North) are much like your chicks from the North - major, major sluts, the only differences being that they are about 30kgs heavier and sport the ashy pallor of someone who hasn’t seen a ray of sunlight for 98% of their life.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Laugh-Out-Louds - 5
Good work.
Reminded me of the Black Books episode where Bill Bailey swallowed the “Little Book of Calm”.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Seanbaby,
This has got to be in my top 5 favorite articles on CRACKED.COM, honestly the way these spacey authors go from minor, irrelevent things such as “Rake her Leaves” to things someone you don’t even LIKE would do “Reassure him while he is waiting for his tests back” to sacrificing your life titanic style “give her your lifejacket when the ship is sinking. I usually love lists of things (evidently why I read CRACKED) but i like elaborations on those things (Perfect example being “The Encyclopedia of Assholes” which is well worth checking out) i find myself unable to consider these people authors. To me, they are just… lesser beings. Maybe the cockroaches that Barbara Ann Kipper was so insesent on KILLING.
Thanks for making me laugh,
Obi.
P.S. Flamewars are hilarious. Keep ‘em coming people.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
And by good sense of humor, I don’t mean “Mall Cop” or “Epic Movie.” Those are just stupid, if you ask me. I mean being able to appreciate several different styles of comedy and being able to see the the inherent humor in a lot of every day life.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
If you judge American humor solely based upon whichever black/mexican/whatever comedian is Comedy Central’s new flavor of the month, of course you’re going to be disappointed. Most of them just scream and cuss until the “shock value” distracts you enough to make you think they’re funny.
And by shock value, I mean it’s about as shocking as Amy Winehouse getting arrested for possession.
Britain might have pioneered “intellectual” comedy, but America is responsible for toilet humor. A lot of bodily functions are just inherently funny, you don’t need to be a member of MENSA to realize that.
Both have their advantages, representing different sides of the comedy spectrum. And I don’t think you can have good comical entertainment without including elements of both.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
@Abby
I agree with you on that one. Some of the dumbest people laugh at the dumbest shit. Not to offend the mentally handicapped, but we’ve all seen them laugh hysterically at the idea of a doorknob, or the colour green.
That’s great your daughter could read that early, I didn’t learn until a bit later than that yet now I average a book a week, so I can only imagine where your daughter will end up. Your son though, 17 months for his ABCs? I don’t want to be offensive but if I were you and had to pick, put the money in your daughter’s college fund.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
@ Rose:
“A strong sense of humor is one of the surest indicators of intelligence. If you’re only capable of laughing at “Young Frankenstein,” please do us all a favor and never have children. ”
Actually no. It really isn’t. That’s just what stupid people tell themselves to justify paying to see Mall Cop two nights in a row. There isn’t any direct correlation between the two, despite what most people seem to think. A good sense of humour is just as much a sign of incredible intelligence as it is a sign of incredible stupidity. Obviously some intelligence is required for certain types of humour, but if you think the two are so strongly linked, how do you explain the success of films like Epic Movie? You’re on the internet. Why don’t you use it to learn something?
Oh, and for the record, I do have two kids. My daughter could read at age three, and at 17 months, my son already knows his ABCs.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
@Abby
I don’t think I have made myself look stupid at all, depending on whose eyes my comments fall upon of course. Sure, bukkake is probably regarded as stupid or not “classy” by most (although that just points to a more disturbing fact, you have never attended a black tie bukkake event), however if we were to judge how stupid I have looked on here, I think we’d have to look to the other commenters. Scanning comments that are “@Jordan” and “@Abby” it seems that the vast majority of people appreciate my juvenile yet justified comments. Whereas, if you look at the comments directed at you it seems a lot of people tend to lean towards the “Abby is a fucking douche” side. Now this isn’t to say that I agree with that, I am sure you like some decent movies other than Young Frankenstein, and you’re from England so you spell “color” and “humor” the right way, with a ‘u’ (I’m from Canada). Also your Queen is on a bill of ours I think, not the blue one with hockey on it, the green one with ducks on it I believe. So as we bicker I think it is all due to the great divide between cultures, despite our similarities. Your culture appreciates Monty Python and Mr. Bean, which is I suppose a saving grace with all the shit food and shit weather you have. Our culture (and by ‘our’ I am lumping Canada in with the U.S.) appreciates South Park and Seinfeld, because we don’t expect what we watch to be 100% engrossing intellectually, due to our pleasant weather and full-toothed women distracting us from the “tube.” Sure we don’t necessarily lean towards the high brow humour, but with our beautiful sexy women (like Anne Hathaway) and colourful cuisine we don’t need that stick up our asses and are a lot less critical of our entertainment. Sure you may see that as a deficit on our countries, but what I see is entertainment that does its job just as well as high brow humour does for you. To simplify that, we both laugh equally, only our laughter is that of luxury rather than necessity, because if our televisions were to spontaneously blow up, we can seek comfort in the outdoors and our bountiful women with their bouncing breasts and sparkling teeth. Not to mention North American chicks are easy, and I’ve heard in passing some comparison between British women and snare drums? Anyways, no hard feelings, we’re all brothers who just get different enjoyments out of life.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Oh, and this is kinda oddly similar to my latest blog entry lol
June 5th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Couple things,
@ Jordan:
I actually checked this page today out of curiosity, just to see if you would have gotten off my dick yet. Clearly, you’re still enjoying the ride. And for the record, I don’t have to pretend to be you in order to make you look stupid; you do that well enough yourself. I don’t know who actually left that comment, but how hard is it to believe that two people who use the internet happen to have the name Jordan? Oddly enough, it’s actually my middle name. And besides, whoever left that comment obviously didn’t leave it to be insulting, or they would have said something worse than a simple ‘good job’ about the article.
@Siobhan :
I did actually put something constructive in my comments. I said, at length, exactly why I didn’t like this article, or the couple of others I’ve read from this writer. Did I do that initialy? No, I made a simple comment that obviously pissed a lot of people off. I stuck around simply because I was amused at how Jordan seemed to position himself as the saviour of this place, and was getting a kick out of the back and forth barbs between us. I’m sure that Jordan is a nice enough guy, but sometimes when you get someone that obsesses over your comments to the point that it’s all he can talk about (except for the bukkake of course, still classy), it kind of fun to kick the can back and forth.
@Spiecks
Two things.
1. I don’t recall feeling the need to “defend my virtual reputation”. As far as I’m aware, I don’t even know that I have one. As I mentioned in my above comments, I has having fun with Jordan, and with watching him flounder around in an attempt argue with me. It was amusing, so I kept it going. Is that a crime, or just an annoyance?
2. As Anna mentioned, it’s proper Brit. As you might have noticed from me spelling words like ‘humour’, I’m a Brit. Not even considering that everyone who speaks English (you know, as in England, where the language comes from) might be from another country, and might spell things a little differently than you do, is simply inexcusable.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
funny as hell!
June 5th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Woah…I accidentally scrolled all the way down when the page loaded. This article is pretty damn awesome, as indicated by the flame war down below. People usually don’t get so impassioned by a mediocre piece of comedy work, so that speaks for itself. Nicely done, Seanbaby.
And yeah, I laughed my ass off at the “Gone Fishing” comment.
@Todd: Yeah, my sister has a bunch of them, mostly from acquaintances that bought them because they didn’t know what else to give her as a gift. But the only one she got that is actually funny in its own right is called “The Little Book of Stress” with gems like “Find out when your friends’ favorite TV program is on, then call them seven minutes after it starts.” Though I guess this is a different class of book because it’s obviously sarcastic.
@Abby: A strong sense of humor is one of the surest indicators of intelligence. If you’re only capable of laughing at “Young Frankenstein,” please do us all a favor and never have children.
@Jordan: Thanks for stepping up to the plate and giving Abby some tips on removing that stubborn tampon. God knows someone had to do it.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Ummm, Spiecks, offence is the British spelling.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
[...] The 24,504 Worst Pieces of Advice Ever Published | Cracked.com 129. Having smart kids confuses your enemies [...]
June 5th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
i am snickering at my desk (not eating snickers)
June 5th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Amazing! and as a few people mentioned, the 2002 Ways to Say “I Love You” were fantastic
June 5th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
This is definitely one of your best articles EVER. Congrats, couldn’t stop laughing.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Abby -
“Sure people took offence to it, which is the nature of such statements, and I probably shouldn’t have said it. But it’s not like it, or this, or pretty much anything on the internet really matters.”
Two major flaws.
1. If you truly felt that nothing on the internet was of any importance, you would not have gone to such lengths to defend your virtual reputation.
2. For someone who berates another individual for the omission of a question mark, misspelling the word “offense” is simply inexcusable.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Also, Olli, sometimes unabashedly mean humor is the best kind. Because if someone publishes three facts about their toddler’s mispronunciations, and your first thought isn’t immediately “No one fucking cares,” you’re doing something wrong. And when that reaction is acknowledged in the harshest way possible, we laugh.
Because insensitivity is hilarious, and anyone who disagrees is like, an emotional pussy or something. Broski.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
This is absolutely the best I’ve seen Seanbaby do on Cracked, and one of my top ten entries on the website. I laughed, I cried, I spilled juice on myself (that was actually what the crying was about, primarily. I just react really poorly to small amounts of dribbled liquid).
The source material was fucking ace to begin with, though.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
@Siobhan
Don’t expect Abby to respond, he told himself he was too good for this website long ago and stopped posting; or as he would say if he responded, “I have better things to do with my time than post comments on a kid joke website,” despite the fact he has already wasted almost as much time as myself doing so. Although I like to dream that he is out there somewhere, stroking his cock nub and gently whimpering about the entropy of society behind those thick framed hipster glasses. And that he is reading this message board and thinking what juvenile imbeciles we all are for our period, brain cancer, and gay jokes (albeit they are juvenile but god damn it the day period jokes are unfunny I’ll have to stop hanging out with women).
However I do have hope that one day he will realize that comedy as dated as the ironic wool sweater he wears with his stupid fucking converse shoes, was not any less infantile in its time than “modern” comedy is in ours, because where the fuck would comedy be if it didn’t keep pushing its boundaries, filling us with the feeling of laughing like a child again, and making our elders shake their heads or vomit in disapproval. So let’s welcome all of the dick jokes, fart jokes, sexist jokes (any joke that is sure to offend some) that websites like cracked.com are delivering us at a steady rate (for free mind you, so feel free to not pay the admission of one left click). And if a few people are offended or turn their nose up at the sheer immaturity of the joke, fuck them, because it made me laugh.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Good Lord, this is awesome.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:46 am
I cried. Hilarious. Bravo.
June 5th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Man, I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time (especally the couples one). I just wish you could do whole special on the “advice” Cyndi Hayes.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:59 am
my parents have books like this at their house, on the last page it said: “if you have any words of wisdom, let us know and we’ll included it in our next book!”
bad enough they’re so lazy that all they did was just search for sayings to put in their book, now they want their readers to write their next book for them!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:46 am
i am laughing so hard i am crying!!!!
soo hilarious
June 5th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on ___Tallloving C om___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:06 am
@ Abby (and the rest of the ‘u suk’ commentors…
I almost never comment on the douchebags who show up in comment sections of articles or blogs who have nothing more substantive to add than things like ‘tl;dr’ or ‘dis sux, ur not funny’… or even better, the ones who actually take the time to write out full sentences that sound intelligent but hold just as much substance as the ‘not funny noob’-type comments.
But I just can’t resist this time..
Abby.. you mention in one of your comments ‘But it’s not like it, or this, or pretty much anything on the internet really matters.’ That’s exactly the problem with the internet. No one thinks what they say matters and thus it is a cesspool of douchebags. For these guys, this is a job. And I’m sure they don’t let completely unconstructive comments like yours and the ones I mentioned above, get to them.. but the point is, I can only imagine you would take issue with people showing up at your job to run by your desk and shouting ‘You suck! Your paper-pushing is the worst paper-pushing EVAR! noob’ or something similar.
So, how about you try being supportive or actually putting something constructive in your comments.
And btw, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this.. but comedy often takes the form of observing things in the real world and lampooning it in some way. Even if you think the target is easy, it doesn’t take away the creativity with which someone jokes about it. You might not think that seanbaby’s responses were creative enough (though I, of course, disagree) but that’s really your problem. And unless you have some constructive criticism to add, why not keep it to yourself? Unless, of course, you wouldn’t mind people dropping by your place of work to let you know that you suck on a daily basis.
And seanbaby… well done. Well written.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:43 am
That is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read! I love this site.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:51 am
well done seanbaby
June 5th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Seanbaby is getting better for moments, I predict he’ll reach dongtangularness in the next one or two articles. Good job
June 5th, 2009 at 8:00 am
OMG I totally needed this laugh today. Brilliant!
~It’s a little scary that Dale’s wife needs to remind herself to not say, “I bet your diseased-dick urine sample melted through the doctor’s gloves. He’s going to come out here screaming and holding up sizzling nubs that used to be his hands, melted away by your super AIDS. Shit, you make this whole waiting room smell like a herpe.~
BEST VISUAL EVER!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Cracked hasn’t been worth coming to aside from the bloggers (brockaway blows) but this was unbelievable this reminds me of the glory days of cracked.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:41 am
This was one great post. I got one laugh after another. i loved the points abotu the book things tobe happy for. The ladyas kind of random. Imean who is really happy for awkward eye contact with cats or clerks ,clerks not calling out for a price check on Vagisil. this lady obviously didn’t have much to look forward to. lol
June 5th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Im crying with laughter
June 5th, 2009 at 7:04 am
OMG! Every article by Seanbaby is hilarious, and this one made me almost hysterical with laughter …
Write on, Sean … Write on!
“Well that throws a monkey wrench into my investigation. OK, so now we’re looking for a lunatic space woman with jumper cables attached to her reproductive system, taking credit for inventing contact lenses.”
Classic!!
June 5th, 2009 at 7:00 am
“This is probably a lot easier when you’re a woman-shaped swarm of insects surrounding an enchanted pig’s skull like Dale’s wife.”
I laughed so hard a few tears came out.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Floor surface that never needs cleaning–grass. There. I’ve done it. Hot dog buns, everybody, hot dog buns!
June 5th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Wow!
I guess I could really be a writer too. This list was really inspiring to me… Forget about an education, you can always start writing list-books about nothing.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:36 am
I really liked this. Nice job.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:31 am
This book is a riot! Iremember a friend of mine having just been released from county jail for soliciting a police prostitute said to me “How about a little drinky poo?”
I’m going to Amazon to buy this book for my home library.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:24 am
“This is probably a lot easier when you’re a woman-shaped swarm of insects surrounding an enchanted pig’s skull like Dale’s wife.” LOL!
June 5th, 2009 at 6:11 am
I think the reader of the wish list is just messing with you…
Great article though!
June 5th, 2009 at 5:59 am
“Be sure to do this in a book the two of you are co-writing together, you total whore.”
I lol’d.
Olli, get with the program here.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:38 am
The Jordan at 8:47 is an imposter, that son of a bitch.
p.s. eat a big dick Abby
June 5th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.
I laughed so hard I think I weed a little bit.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:34 am
This was utterly fucking AMAZE. Best article ive seen on cracked in ages
June 5th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Great article. Those books are so pointless. The good thing is that they’re usually located near the Sexuality section. Hello, Karma Sutra!
June 5th, 2009 at 4:46 am
Thank you. This has reminded me how much I sound like a suffering pig when I laugh.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:22 am
That was amazing
June 5th, 2009 at 4:16 am
Dude, laughed so freaking hard, I have tears in my eyes. One of your best mate, cheers
June 5th, 2009 at 4:05 am
AWESOME! this was the funniest thing ivce read for AGES. good work
June 5th, 2009 at 3:57 am
Oh my God. This has to be Seanbaby’s best work. I literally have tears in my eyes from the unending laughter. I had to pause several times to wipe my eyes so I could read the next part. Brilliant stuff.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:54 am
do u want to flirt with mature women or attractive men? –== http://CougarFlirts.Com ==– is ur dreaming place for dating with them,the perfect one is there waiting for u….
June 5th, 2009 at 2:50 am
This was fucking A.. By far seanbaby’s best so far.
keep up da good work
June 5th, 2009 at 2:49 am
Oh and Olli, get a thicker skin mate. “Mean spirited”? You must be new to the internet if telling someone “no-one cares” is too harsh
June 5th, 2009 at 2:47 am
It took me a while to actually believe that these books existed. On that point I’m speechless.
On the point of seanbaby’s writing, I’m breathless with laughter! Too much gold in there to bother trying to single out quotes, I’d just end up copy/pasting the whole article again. Fucking 10/10.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:26 am
I laughed so hard I cried. Goddamn, I love you Seanbaby, no homo.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:02 am
While a lot of that was really funny these two lines kind of stuck to my eye:
“You know why there’s not a national council in charge of pronouncing “chicken” correctly? Because no one fucking cares, Steve.”
“Be sure to do this in a book the two of you are co-writing together, you total whore.”
The reason I love cracked is precisely because the humor is not mean-spirited, and srsly, these kinds of attacks just aren’t cool. They make an otherwise entertaining article a bit disappointing
June 5th, 2009 at 1:59 am
Seanbaby did NOT have a rough start every Seanbaby article is tied for best article ever
June 5th, 2009 at 1:40 am
Seanbaby, this is a masterpiece. Sir, you are a god among men.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:36 am
Hilarious!
June 5th, 2009 at 1:05 am
I was a little skeptical about reading this, cos they haven’t been great so far, but I spent the whole time laughing through this one! Great work.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:28 am
That was amazing.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:07 am
This is awesome and truly heroic work!
To go through all that racket and then to give hard-reality comments - well that is a masterwork =)
Love the irony and sarcasm…
June 4th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
My aunt bought me the wish list and things to be happy about books as graduation presents. I’ve got to say, shitty presents, but still pretty damn entertaining. I haven’t gotten too far on my wish list at all though, not even close to being a spacewalking roach killer.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I work in a bookstore and often in the “self-help section, I have to look at these books (and the people who buy them) everyday. This article will make it much more bearable as I silently pass out from the laughter next to “5000 reasons to smile”.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Awesome to the nth degree Seanbaby. Those list books just got BURNED.
P.S. Abby can go eat a dick for all I care. What a tool
June 4th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I cant belive people buy this kind of shit
June 4th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Holy shit. amazing. although our enjoyment most certainly doesn’t make up for the pain that seanbaby had to go through by reading this goatshit
June 4th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Oh God Yes. Everyone kept telling me Seanbaby was hilarious. And I never could figure out why. I figured If I kept reading them. I would see. And this was hilarious. thank you.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Laughed my ass off, that was the funniest thing ive ever read. Except for now when asks me what the funniest thing ive ever read was, I have to say an article on cracked by a guy who calls himself seanbaby. Well done you glorious brilliant bastard
June 4th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Abby is a fat neckbeard.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
“729.Scare him to cure his hiccups.
This is probably a lot easier when you’re a woman-shaped swarm of insects surrounding an enchanted pig’s skull like Dale’s wife.”
Lord of the flies reference?
This is probably one of the best articles I have ever read ever
June 4th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Wow! five hours later and we’ll all still at it…
lovely.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Should be labelled NSFW. Had to stop reading, laughing too hard…
Seriously funniest thing I’ve ever read on Cracked… actually scratch that - funniest thing I’ve ever read
genius!
June 4th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
…And seanbaby has won me over. Kudos.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Good article! I can’t believe he spent that much time skimming through those books… I would have hurt a small animal after reading the first few pages
June 4th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I loved this Seanbaby, favourite on Cracked
I will take your super AIDS and raise you a super Cancer
June 4th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Sweet monkey Jesus, I couldn’t stop laughing. Definitely the funniest article on Cracked thus far.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Calm down guys, all this talk of gay sex is getting me hot. Well it’s either that or the hotdog buns I’m eating while applying cuticle cream….
June 4th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
@ jordan whoa man.. ill fuck this dude senseless but … not with some other guy… thats gay man
June 4th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
hey abbey…. iwill fight u. seanbaby is great and i kno u hav the right to disagree but i retain the right to kick ur ass
June 4th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
@Monster
Forget fighting Abby man, what we need to do is fuck him. That’ll show that fucking queer, a good double-dicking by the two of us.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
hey abbey? if ura dude then i will fight u. seanbaby is awesome and while u hav the rite to be too stupid to kno that i retain the right to kick ur ass
June 4th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
As I write this it says there are 357 responses. I’m sure 296 of them are between Jordan and Abby, you crazy pecker-heads.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Dating a beautiful and sexy girl on ——richcupid.com—–
Dating a handsome and rich man on——richcupids.com—-
June 4th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
I’m down if you are Abby… dibbs pitcher!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I think Jordan and Abby should just fuck and make up. Then we could all move on with our sad, pathetic lives. =]
June 4th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Can’t we all just get along? D:
Anyways, funny article. It’s surprising how many idiots can publish a book and call themselves authors. =p
June 4th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
This was freaking hilarious. Huge fan of yours when I had an EGM subscription, thought your previous Cracked articles were hit-and-miss, but this one was one of the best blogs I’ve read.
Great work.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
This was SPECFUCKINGTACULAR. I laughed so hard I came a little. So now I get the rest of the day off work.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
First Cracked article I’ve actually laughed at in a long time. Thanks, Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
@Exploding_Minx
Haha that’s alright I am not offended by being called anything. Just like Abby isn’t offended by being called a little faggot by his father every day and night incessantly; just like Abby wasn’t offended by all the kids at school pushing him and making fun of him for dressing weird and talking weird; just like how Abby put so much effort into not being offended that he eventually just took on the persona of a Class A Hipster whose only defense now was to condescend to anyone who didn’t seek solace in the comforts of existentialist literature and the music of the Shins. But seriously, no offense taken Exploding_Minx, good sharing such an interesting debate about art with you and our dear friend Abby.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
@ Neptune
http://www.digitalmediafx.com/News2001/December/121501/simpsons-university.html
June 4th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
@Seanbaby
You had a rough start here at Cracked. But by God, I think you’ve finally made your big break here. Hooray! This article, especially the second half, almost had me breaking out the Depends. Not that I have those lying around or anything. . .
@Abby
Thank you for giving me something to do to waste a half hour of my life. It was great fun seeing all the hatred you inspired here by being, I’ll assume, as big a douche here as you must be in real life. Please do us all a favor and step in front of a bus.
@Jordan
Bukkake is awesome. Plus, I hope you get to nail that Canadian chick. It seems slim, since I hear Canada is kinda big, but best of luck all the same.
@Everyone mentioning brain cancer
I have a friend who has had a tumor grow in his brain 5 times. 5 friggin’ times! But that doesn’t matter, because it’s still funny. As are dick jokes. Oh, right. . . this article was dongtacular! Or was it dongtastic? I forget. Brain cancer.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Why is it that everyone that argues on the internet has taken a collage course in the subject they’re arguing about, and has, or knows someone that has had ANY illness mentioned. Down Syndrome, ADD, Dyslexia, the Black fucking Plague.
Although taking classes on “what’s funny and what isn’t” is a new one for me.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
@ Jordan
I think I just simultaneously LOLed and jizzed my pants, you funny bastard.
Oh, and please don’t get offended by me calling you a bastard. In Australia it is known as a term of endearment.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Holy shit, Abby finally admitted he/she (have we figured that out yet) was being condescending. What a mature thing for him/her to do, truly came out on top in this one… just hopefully he/she gets over the brain cancer:-/ God speed Abby, you are truly an inspiration for us all. And remember, to remove the tampon without a string just squat like you are playing baseball, because that will loosen the vaginal muscles so that you can gently remove it. It’s not a race, so take your time and don’t hurt yourself, start with one finger if you have to.
Love, Jordan
June 4th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
“Tell you what, lady, I’ll blow my magic whistle five times in the elf tree tonight and if you’re still a fuckin’ nutbar tomorrow, come on in and we’ll work out a price.”
I’m a bartender and I swear to Christ I’m using that line on the next crazy ass bitch who asks me how much their fucking vodka cranberry is after I’ve remade it three times because there’s either, “Too much/too little cranberry…or how she doesn’t think that’s Absolut…did you use Absolut, like I asked?” Yes, bitch, I fucking used Absolut, you watched me fucking make it!
Sorry, I had a long night last night…but thank you for that line Seanbaby…I was dyin’ laughing.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
@Jordan
I’m sorry for being so condescending, it’s just that I took a few classes in literature and film in college and truly feel that I am quite an authority on dictating what is and isn’t funny. Anyways I have to get ready for my bi-weekly circle jerk at Starbucks tomorrow morning, sorry again for being a completely pompous fucking douche to all of you guys.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
sean baby sucks! seriously please get rid of him
June 4th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
@Exploding_Minx
You’re right, Space Balls, my favourite high brow comedy is on television right now (did you know it was written by Mel Brooks?). And I have to meet up with my poetry group tomorrow so we can all express our deeply profound thoughts on this low brow consumer-art culture, followed by circle jerking to Ani Defranco.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Meanwhile, wouldn’t it be great to get this kinda of passionate reaction from your work performance? The most I get in return for my lack lustre efforts around the office is a 2.5 on my 6 monthly review….
June 4th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
@ Jordan
Be careful there Jordan, you may come off as though you have no life and spend all your time lurking in the comment sections of comedy websites. Hell, you might even come off as some douche known as Abby who spends his work time being condesending to fellow Cracked readers and silently fapping to all their irate responses to his patronising stupidity.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
@Exploding_Minx
“Picking on retards who had no choice in the matter is wrong. Picking on retards who have opted to be so - ie, authors of shitty self help books - equals comedy gold”
Very, very true. I don’t know if Abby knows this but “retarded” isn’t an actual condition. Nor is it one that I could compare my empathy towards it with empathy for an innocent little self-help author who is making big bucks off of other peoples’ desperation. My 15 year old brother actually has Down Syndrome and is called retarded by many older kids in his high school whose asses have to be handed to them regularly by myself. So don’t lecture me about how easy it is to “pick on a retarded kid”. And does “…anyone with any modicum of writing talent could have done it just as well, if not better,” imply that a joke about a “retarded kid” could be done well?
June 4th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
@Abby
There you go again being condescending and acting as though your opinion is actually worth something. That’s not to say that my opinion, or anyone else’s is worth something either, but I don’t go around talking in finite terms because of my great knowledge of art. I appreciate a well made film, and have appreciated many great pieces of comedic writing both on and offline. And I would be a fucking retard to say that I haven’t seen anything that I thought was just terrible. But the difference is I don’t think that I am of authority to say that no one should enjoy the piece of shit, or even that it was done poorly/could have been done better. The reason? If I were to name off every single film that I thought was terrible, there would be many people who would disagree with me. And would those people be less than us for liking it? Or perhaps someone to be pitied because of their lack of taste for art? Let me throw in the terribly cliche term, art is in the eye of the beholder. For every film Uwe Boll has made there are thousands of cross eyed mongoloids who enjoyed the piece of shit. Every Scary Movie/Epic Movie/______ Movie that comes out from now until the day we die there will be people who like it. Despite the fact that I think those movies could be done better, and no matter how much film 101 knowledge I throw at my analysis of them I can never take away the fact that the piece of shit hit an audience, and that audience liked the piece of shit.
And one final (probably not) thing, how is his article on Carlos Mencia useless or redundant? How many topical jokes out there have only been done once by one person? Sure, Joe Rogan did a great fucking job of tearing apart Mencia, but has Joe Rogan posted an article on his blog picking apart Carlos Mencia’s twitter account? If Seanbaby went on a rant about how Carlos steals jokes that would be a blatant rip off, but he didn’t, he fucking didn’t. He went after (and introduced to many people) Mencia’s ridiculous twitters. After the first George Bush joke hit practically a decade ago, should people have stopped? No, no they shouldn’t have because it was still funny, and still is funny, and I am sure when it isn’t funny anymore those jokes will slowly die out until a few years down the line they will be funny again. Well guess what, myself and many other people laughed at Seanbaby’s Carlos Mencia article, as well as South Park’s attack on him. So I think that right there proves that the topic is still relevant. And not relevant in some grand universal way like you probably think it has to be, but relevant to the many many people who still enjoy jokes about that annoying fucking hack. So don’t think that you or I know a god damn thing about how art should or shouldn’t be, and let me introduce one piece of evidence: Fast and Furious has made close to 160 million in its 9 weeks of release.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
@ brian
Actually Brian, the fact that “avoid symptoms of menopause” and “eliminate roaches and rats forever” are on somebodies to do list makes it even more hilarious.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Sounds to me like the one with the checkmarks already in it are things this lady wanted to do, rather than things that she had already done (of course this makes your humor even less funny)
June 4th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
@ Abby
Picking on retards who had no choice in the matter is wrong. Picking on retards who have opted to be so - ie, authors of shitty self help books - equals comedy gold.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Oh god I laughed so hard I hurt myself. Probably in response to being married toooo long, combined with the shame of owning too many “self-help” books.
I thank god for you, Cracked. Hot dog buns.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
“…swarm of insects surrounding an enchanted pig’s skull”… is that actually a semi-reference to Lord of the Flies? Because you’ve claimed to be largely illiterate in the past. Then again, this was an article about books, so you’re either a fraud or a liar. Either way, it’s all hilarious. Thanks for getting back on the interwebs, Sean.
You ought to mention your website more, so these people who are finding you for the first time can discover the wealth of comedy you’ve provided us over the years.
seanbaby.com, for anyone reading this.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I’ve been a fan of yours for years and this had me literally crying I was laughing so hard.
Thank you! I’m glad you’re at Cracked now!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I haven’t laughed this hard for too long. Towards the end every line was great. I hope to see more of this quality shit down the line.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
these people were on tranqs when they wrote this shit right?
June 4th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Wow, great article Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
This was the funniest thing I’ve read in recent memory. Congratulations, Seanbaby, you’ve managed to fufill the comedy fantasy of someone who rewinds “Horton Hears A Who!” to catch the jokes my laughter drowns out.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
@ Jordan
I really have to hand it to you. To be honest, I meant the first thing I said about this article sucking, and pretty much everything else I said was largely just to get a rise out of you. And it obviously worked, and worked well, because outside of a reference to bukkake (classy, by the way), you’ve been able to talk about little else. I would have thought, this many hours after, you’d have let it go, but clearly, I’m still in the back of your mind. Which, I have to admit, is pretty damn funny.
To clarify a little something for you, I never said I had a problem with infantile humour. It, like every other kind of humour, has a place. When done well, it’s just as funny as anything else. When I referred to this article as ‘kids jokes’, I meant that this article is the equivalent of little kids on the playground mocking the fat kid, or picking on the retarded kid. It’s an easy target, and anyone with any modicum of writing talent could have done it just as well, if not better.
I mean really, what’s funny about picking on people who write shitty self help books? Look at Seanbaby’s other articles. The ones I read after reading this were the one about competitive eating (holy shit, that’s bad for you! Good job pointing that out, because I’d never have known otherwise!) and the one making fun of Carlos Mencia (great job treading the same ground that Joe Rogan started walking on two fucking years ago. Way to be original). Again, it’s just easy. Picking on people like Mencia is exactly the same thing as making fun of a retarded kid (exactly the same). What’s funny about that? This article was the equivalent of watching nutshot after nutshot from some shitty little home video show: amusing for the first second or two, and then utterly pointless.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
“it feels like you’re walking in on Care Bears fucking”
I saw this once. It was kinda hot actually, plus it was good time bear and grumpy bear (the rainbow and the rainy cloud), my two favorites. Yes, rule 34 is strictly enforced.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Guess I have a bad marriage, whenever my husband has the hiccups I just look at him and and say “You’re stuck with me forever” and they are instantly gone!
June 4th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Seanbaby, that was probably the single greatest thing I have ever read. Then again, I say that about every article you write. Your writing style is just so distinct, and that bit about the Super AIDS made my penis curl up into a ball and go back inside my body. I now have a vagina because of your actions, Seanbaby. Thank you.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
my stomach hurts so bad. is it cancer? i think it might be cancer.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
haha, well done seanbaby, one of the best ones so far IMO
June 4th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
If indeed The Wish List is written to help you obtain a happier level in life I think they should edit “have healthy children” to “have no children at all”.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
“Have healthy children” is an achievement? That’s unforgivable.
“I’m sorry, Mrs Bumberson, your new son is deaf in his right ear.”
“Noo! Now I’ll never be able to complete the checklist! I am a failure! I am worthless and deserving of little more than relentless vitriolic contempt! Wait…maybe, if I smothered little Gareth with a pillow, I might be able to tick that box. Doc, can I borrow that pillow?”
June 4th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
You asshole! Now I look like an ass cuz I couldn’t stop myself from cracking up in the middle of the office. Oh shit, the end was so funny..
June 4th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
And with this submission by Mr Seanbaby, i shall no longer skip over his blog posts. Good on ya guy.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Without Cracked.com I wouldn’t have found out about
===Mymuslimlove.c om===.
THANKS CRACKED!
June 4th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
absolutely hilarious. one of the best i’ve read on cracked in a long time.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
@Irishladdie727
Haha, yeah I suppose an Anne Hathaway bukkake is a little counter-productive but at this point I feel I’ve said all there is to say. It’s not Abby in particular that I have a problem with, it’s the general attitude of 90% of people I’ve read online/known IRL. I guess Abby just rubbed me the wrong way, especially with the Mel Brooks inspired name (nothing against Mel Brooks of course, just I imagine a certain type of person who broadcasts their love for obvious comedic legends by putting down “low brow” comedians). It seems that Abby is one of those people who have some desire to feel as though they are more mature than the general public by watching/reading something they know they won’t like just so they can prove to themselves they are different. All speculations, possibly not true, but I will leave you with this: read some of Abby’s posts, and go to this website and see if you can imagine his words coming out of their mouths, I sure can.
http://www.latfh.com/
June 4th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
@ CrX
I think the reason people are praising this so much is because Seanbaby is the newest columnist, and like u said, his other articles have been so-so, but this one is definitely the best he’s written for this site, and people were just acknowledging that.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
I didn’t care much through the first few books, but I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard on this site as the last one, from ‘think tank’ on. Had to stifle or have people looking at me funny.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@Irishladdie
I love dick jokes, honestly I do. I think Swaim and DOB and Brockway are absolutely hilarious. Even that canadian guy’s not bad, all things considered. But I just don’t find seanbaby to be funny at all. I’ve only read one of his other articles, so I clicked on this one with good intentions, but it honestly doesn’t interest me at all. I’m fine with that, really, its just that I don’t understand the nature of the comments on this page. EVERY other article I’ve read, no matter how funny, always has equal parts praise and critique, but not this one. I just find that incredibly odd, thats all.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
@ Jordan
I just thought the whole Bukkake thing was kind of disturbing, and felt the internet user’s need to scrutinize for no reason, but then I read the rest of your comments and you won me over. My post was the bastard child of two different opinions, it was sort of meaningless I guess. What I was trying to say is that while bukkake is admittedly hilarious, you’re just not going to win arguments with any “high brow intellectuals” if you bring up the good old white shower. And I’m pretty sure Abby is gone now…
June 4th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
@ CrX
This is cracked.com, we’re a family here, and a mutual appreciation of dick jokes is the blood tie that brings us together. If you didn’t find this funny, you just have a different sense of humor, and while I still highly recommend this site for the way it often combines extremely intelligent social commentary with said dick jokes, it might not be the place for you.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
@Irishladdie727
Hey, I’m not trying to start an argument with you either, but I honestly don’t know what you mean by my comment making all my previous ones null. Please explain so I can adjust my upcoming attacks on Abby accordingly.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
“# Jordan Says:
June 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@Exploding_Minx
So you’re an Anne Hathaway fan too eh? She’s fucking beautiful. It was a bit of an exaggeration to say I would forcefully bukkake her, it would be ideal to bukkake her willingly after making semi-gentle love to her. Unfortunately an opportunity like that would never arise, so I’m forced to dream a humble dream of a sneak attack bukkake.”
The fact that you actually posted this comment, ironically or not, renders all of your previous points (are they still points if the argument is “pointless”? Fuck me, I’m clever!) completely null, even though I completely agree with you, and like other random commenters, find you strangely hilarious. Just, you know, calm down with the flame warfare, Abby may have just been a massively clever troll for all we know.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I came here to laugh and I got what I came here for. A Fonz to SB.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I’m just a little confused here. I realize that people have different tastes in comedy, and that someone may like this article when I do not, but scrolling through the comments section, I only see 3 or 4 different people that don’t like it, and the other 200 seem to think its a work of pure perfection. I guess I have a really strange sense of humor or something, because I honestly didn’t even crack a smile during the entire article.
I don’t mean to flame seanbaby, obviously he’s writing for an audience that I’m not a member of, thats all well and good, I just don’t get the amazing one-sidedness of the comments.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
“I bet your diseased-dick urine sample melted through the doctor’s gloves. He’s going to come out here screaming and holding up sizzling nubs that used to be his hands, melted away by your super AIDS. Shit, you make this whole waiting room smell like a herpe. I haven’t had a date this bad since my last boyfriend took me to an STD clinic to dig for cans in the trash.”
OMG… idied at this point…my lung just popped.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Abby’s only offended because Seanbaby’s kicking Hitler in his picture.
Great work Seanzy, keep it up.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I just imagined seeing that ad on the side of a bus and think that I may have to do it. Good article. It’s funny though that when I see books like 14000 things to be happy about, it just depresses me that people like this get publishers, while talented writers actually have trouble get published.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Fucking phenomenal. Seriously. Some of your best work, SB. Congrats and for the love of super AIDS nubs, keep it up!
June 4th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Seanbaby, you’ve found you’re stride, I cracked up more times reading this article then any other article I’ve encountered on this site. The mysterious used book bit was priceless.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Wow! Out of the park, Seanbaby! I didn’t like some of your earlier stuff so much, but this one was awesome! I especially like it near the end. I was laughing so hard I was crying, I really was.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I’ve been reading Seanbaby’s stuff since at least 1999, and this ranks among the best. Once again, excellent work SB.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
The funny ending would be one book with ont piece of advice. Wich one it is I don’t know, but the joke needs to be in the title.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@Exploding_Minx
So you’re an Anne Hathaway fan too eh? She’s fucking beautiful. It was a bit of an exaggeration to say I would forcefully bukkake her, it would be ideal to bukkake her willingly after making semi-gentle love to her. Unfortunately an opportunity like that would never arise, so I’m forced to dream a humble dream of a sneak attack bukkake.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
This article cheered me up; great work!
June 4th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Amazing. I’m not sure why some people were hating on the article, because it was hysterical. There were a few parts that made me laugh out loud, and the whole dialogue about the Super AIDS melting the Doctors hands had be almost crying with laughter. Thank you Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Amazing. I’m not sure why some people were hating on the article, because it was hysterical. There were a few parts that made me laugh out loud, and the whole dialogue about the Super AIDS melting the Doctors hands had be almost crying with laughter.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
This SHIT was HILARIOUS! I haven’t laughed so hard in awhile..oh man, every snide remark was PURE GOLD!
Oh man, oh man, oh man….FREAKIN CLASSIC!
June 4th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
@Jordan
If I had a wang I think I would probably have to join you.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Let’s face the facts:
-This article is funny
-Young Frankenstien is funny
-comedy is funny, so stop being so serious
-Abby has my permission to eat a bowl of buttholes (I hear you can put ‘em on your fingers like Bugles if that sounds cool to you)
-I’m funny (in my not-so-humble opinion, and believe me the negative comments will rain on me for saying that)
-Cracked is funny (if you don’t think so you’re at the wrong site, so leave before your boss finds out you’re wasting precious time from fluffing donkeys)
June 4th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
This was completely hilarious. Thank you for the laughs, sir.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I laughed so hard at the insect swarm and the dick-disease thing.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
@Exploding_Minx
I was actually just joking about The Devil Wears Prada. I actually saw that film in theatres with my ex-girlfriend and it wasn’t that bad, mostly because of Anne Hathaway’s big beautiful boom-booms. But back to the point, most of what I said was a joke, except that it’s stupid as fuck to say that because he doesn’t find something funny, everyone else must be kissing the ass of a Cracked.com writer. I’m sorry but if I were to shower unwarranted praise on a celebrity, it would be Anne Hathaway. And by “shower unwarranted praise” I mean forcefully bukkake.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I made my whole calc class think i’m schizophrenic from all the times i randomly burst out in laughter. the bit about the melted fingers doctor had my professor calling me “bat-shit crazy”
June 4th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I have to agree with Abby on this one. This article is a piece of shit. I don’t know how any of you people actually find this to be funny. Seanbaby sucks and can’t write if his life depended on it!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Abby is on Cracked.com complaining about juvenile jokes. That’s like going on Rotten Tomatoes and saying there are too many articles about movies.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Oh man, I have received books like these as “gifts” over the years, usually the type that are accompanied by cutesy pictures of animals in love or some shit.
As for Abby, if there is one thing more annoying than the super bitter feminist types that get all worked up over period jokes and female behaviour related jibes it’s guys that get riled up by the same things.
I’m a chick by the way, who may have liked The Devil Wears Prada but also finds Seanbaby hilarious.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
This article made me realize there was more in life. So then i went and tried to experience those things. I go to court tomorrow.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Funniest article in a damn long time.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Okay I tried to go figure out what the shitstorm going on in the comments was all about, but it is just too much, and to weird, and I’m sure as hell not reading the whole thread.
So my only comment is this: I can totally understand people not liking Seanbaby’s comedy. I’m just pretty surprised that those people are on Cracked to begin with. I mean, really? You like all those other writers, but *not* him? Doesn’t make any sense to me.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
This is probably the funniest thing ever made.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Ohhhh, thats fuckin amazing. Well done Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I actually find this kinda mediocre, perhaps just not my type of writing. I have to say that the phrase “blowjob bandwagon of praise” is, when it comes to funny, far superior to anything in the actual article.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
@ Jordan
It’s nice that you actually pulled up a link for the guy.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I was laughing all the way through, hilarious!
June 4th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I never read Seanbaby at work because I want to be free to laugh hysterically. I even closed my window just now because I’m pretty sure the neighbours could hear me.
It was “a Kraken that gives you pizza” that really kicked it off, and the contractor’s monologue about the think tank sealed it.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
@BillyZRay
I honestly don’t think that Abby wanted to get a rise out of people. He fully backs up what he said. Not to mention he has accused everyone who enjoyed this article of being immature (this includes you). Also his name is derived from a Mel Brooks movie, how much more pretentious can you get?
June 4th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
@ Jordan
perfect. just what every girl looks for in the perfect guy.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
One of the funniest articles I’ve read on cracked in a long time. I am totally on board to hunt down the book’s owner with you
June 4th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
@dimsumgirl:
you know what’s even funnier? she probably doesn’t give a fuck what anyone has to say in response to her response and probably said what she said to get a reaction, and if that was the case, then i must say it worked spectacularly
oh, and nice work, seanbaby
June 4th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@Dimsumgirl
I didn’t make up those tampon removal instructions, they’re actually on the website linked in my name.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2107787_remove-tampon-string.html
Although that’s not to say I don’t know my way around a tampon;)
June 4th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
3 hours, the internets week.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I like how everyone is still taking stabs at Abby long past his last post… oh say, 3 hours ago.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Holy fuck that was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Could not stop laughing at work.
Keep up the good work Seanbaby. Your old EGM column was the shit.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Somebody take the matches away from Abby before she lights the fuse on her tampon.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Oh, now there is blooming love in canada.
This gets better and better.
You go guys.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Holy shit, Cracked hasn’t made me laugh that hard in months.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
how did the comment section suddenly take a turn towards a discussion about tampons?
@ Jordan
your instructions were disturbingly detailed.
20/f/canada.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Awesome read, I laughed out loud several times.
But the comment section is even better. One person stating “this is stoooopid” creating such an shitstorm is pretty nice.
Anyhow Abby, lets for the sake of argument say you are an blumber and a friend of one of your customers would pass by your work and would insult you because of your plumbing abilities. Would’t you punch him in the mouth?
Ok that sounds a boring, lets fan the flames a little.
Lets say you are an manwhore, and the person that just taped your last 10 dollar encounter with an crack addict, insults your dick taking abilities and everybody who likes them. Wouldn’t you let your butch boyfriend punch him in the mouth?
June 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I laughed so hard I cried! Great work, truly funny. Thanks for making my day!
June 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
@Abby
Here are some selections of good advice from the website I have informed you of for your… uh, you know, your personal issues:
Double-check that the string is not stuck to your skin or has ridden in the crevice of your buttocks. The strings have a way of sticking to things after a long day of sitting, standing, running or walking.
Squat down as if you were a catcher in a baseball for softball game. This position allows the vagina and surrounding muscles to expand more than if you were simply sitting. It also allows your hands and arms more flexibility.
There are more instructions on the website, however all of them seem to be concerning vaginal tampon removal. Hopefully these instructions apply to anal tampon removal as well. Good luck Abby! And remember, “this is not a race, so if you need to first slide the tip of one finger, or can only get one finger inside that is fine. Slow and steady is the way to succeed here.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Gold. Fucking gold.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
@Herrblod
Keep representin’ the period jokes man. Without them, how would the barrage of Tampax commercials on television be bearable?
Q: How did the Puerto Rican mother know her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son’s dick.
Whether Abby is a girl or guy, he/she definitely has a tampon that needs removing from their respective locations. Abby, please consult the website linked in my name for instructions.
@Dimsumgirl
23/male/Canada
June 4th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
“…You got an alternate route to the bathroom, or are we going to sit around being homos all day?”
woke up my flatmate with the laughter! great article
June 4th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Hahahaha, wow, I laughed out loud pretty much the entire time reading this. Awesome, Seanbaby! You get better and better with each piece I read, this is your best yet, an instant Cracked classic!
(And I really liked the Lord of the Flies reference. I’m a literature dork, and I think it’s really fun to see stuff like that mixed with comedy!)
June 4th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
But I’m not dead! I feel happy!
June 4th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
This is really good, I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna die! I love these kind of stuff. Man you rock!
June 4th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
This was absolutely hilarious! Especially near the end, I just kept cracking up. Fantastic job, Seanbaby! This was incredible.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Wow, aint it the truth. Makes sense to me dude!
R
http://www.privacy-tools.echoz.com
June 4th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
the one he wrote similar to this for the wave magazine is funnier -
http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=24596
still good stuff though
June 4th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Seriously. Epic god. A swarm of insects surrounding an enchanted pig skull? How do you come up with this stuff?
June 4th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Seanbaby, you are an epic god of comedy.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Abby… never getting married.. or at least not happily, lol
June 4th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
oh teh lulz.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Abby and all the people that replied to him have no lives. That is all.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Wicked funny, thanks seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I used to read Sean’s site all the time. It was unfortunate, then, that all his articles thus far on THIS site have been a paid to read. This, however, is GOLD. Getting better.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Easily the best article you’ve ever written for Cracked, Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I think when I meant serious, I was talking about the extent of thought that was put into the argument back and forth, which turned out not even to be about the article itself.
@ Jordan
a/s/l?
June 4th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
@Abby
You’re officially a tool. You used “Young Frankenstein” to diss seanbaby’s humor (sorry, humoUr) as juvenile.
Yeah. Thank Christ Mel Brooks stayed away from dick and fart jokes! That’s a comedy killer right there.
::eye roll::
June 4th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
AWESOME article man, I hate those goddamn books! “China Dad” LOL!
June 4th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Seanbaby, I haven’t really dug too much of your other stuff, but this is funny as hell. Good work, more stuff like this.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I had 14K things to be happy about in my hands in an effort to cheer myself up during a particularly rough time. It only cheered me up in the sense that I got a peek into the world of someone truly retarded who goes WAY above and beyond appreciating the little things. Garbage bags, and nail files are hardly cheer-me-up-worthy. This is a great article that gave me many laughs- keep up the good work.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
lol these comments rival the article itself.
its amazing how far someone would go to try and prove some weird twisted point…you’re in a hole abby, and you’re digging downwards with each of your posts
June 4th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Is Abby some sort of Transvestite? or Hermaphrodite? I am not sure what it is anymore, I think it may be confused because of the brain cancer.
@dimsumgirl
Not once was I completely serious about any arguing that was going on… it’s all just entertainment, a way to pass the time to an impending death. But unfortunatley Abby doesn’t have long to live, you know with the brain cancer, so I am gonna start the Abby Brain Cancer Society in hopes to raise awareness and donations to helping cure brain cancer. Anything would be helpful.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Well Seanbaby, that was hilarious, I read a couple of your articles and all of them are funny+, making you the funniest link (on this site).
Abby, Young Frankenstein was horse shit, if you liked that shit-splattered-on-a-reel “movie”, I would seriously suggest getting yourself examined, you are a prime candidate to be the first functional human to score lower than a pencil sharpener on an IQ test. Either that, or Mel Brooks’ penis was in your mouth as you were typing in that nickname.
Well, actually in all fairness, I haven’t seen that movie… Just wanted to shit all over something you liked (first rule for being a troll, never put yourself in a position where your victims know some of your tastes)
Regardless, you are a pretentious dick (I bet you get that a lot in real life… behind your back). Making fun of women for bleeding out of their woo-woo is an age old tradition that should be honored and respected, not ridiculed as an example of immaturity.
PS: I wasn’t killing time at work. I actually enjoy reading Cracked, and commenting occasiounally when the mood is right. I don’t need to pretend I don’t to make myself seem somehow cooler.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
@ Jordan
Bonercoaster? haha.
I’m amused that I randomly stumbled across this and started commenting.
Yes, I know what a/s/l stands for…
June 4th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@Dimsumgirl
No, seriously. Age, sex, location? Any girl that says I’m funny gets a free ticket to my bonercoaster.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I enjoyed this immensely.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
@ Jordan
Oh.. haha… wait. Is that supposed to be funny?
June 4th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I guess it’s somewhat amusing.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
@Dimsumgirl
a/s/l?
June 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@dimsumgirl:
Didn’t you know? Comedy is Serious Business.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SeriousBusiness
June 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
i laughed out loud for the whole article, totally amazing.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
“There’s not even a word for that kind of depression. And if there was, you would have to beat a bleating walrus to death with a violin in order to pronounce it.”
You’re my new favorite. The entire last section of the article had me choking with laughter.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
This was without a doubt the funniest shit I read all day. I was literally pissing myself several times throughout this article. Bravo. And Abby? Fuck off. Go read other shit then instead of bitching to us.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
@ Jordan
No, it wasn’t sarcasm, I am just amused by all the seriousness that got involved in the comments section for this article.
I guess that pretty much applies for all the people involved in this bicker, I just thought that full grown adults would have something more important to do in the middle of a weekday. That is all.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I think what Abby meant to say was…
“This article was nothing like “According to Jim” which I find to be the TRUE barometer of comedy. I was sickened to find how un-According to Jim it was! If you can’t start cranking out bland, unoriginal comic bits, (Much like a Jim Belushi vehicle I know), then go back to your filthy swamp of new and different concepts, Seanbaby, and stop attempting to amuse the vanilla masses!!!”
June 4th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
*still attempting to choke laughter so as not to diosturb miserable revising housemates*
oh lordy, this is the funniest article I’ve read in long time. Bravo
June 4th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
“What are you trying to prove by posting negatively.”
“Is that a question? See, you can tell what I just asked is because I used what we call a question mark. Usually quite helpful.”
Oh, touche Abby my mate, that fellow clearly did not know that the question he was asking was a question, otherwise he would have remembered to press ‘?’ when he was done. What a heathen, truly pitiful. Are we still meeting for a Chai-tea Latte later? I will be wearing my Champions League scarf, I know it’s summer but how else will everyone know that I have travelled to Europe?
June 4th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
So abby acted like a woman then declares he is a man. . . but he has a great understand of women according to him/her. I get it you’re trying to be funny!
Well your not actually your posts pretty much sucked and not to mention you are getting your panties in a twist from an article on cracked.com. Go to BBC if you want to be serious, and either you are a woman or just a homo. SAD.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
sean baby you mother fucker, way to make me actually awake before one…
June 4th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Also, define “kid jokes”. I honestly don’t know how that applies to this article, or to humour in general. There is no law stating that Fraser is the only funny thing on television because it is so adult. Name one fucking comedy (other than Fraser) that isn’t immature. Monty Python? Intellectuals enjoy it, as well as the pitiful peasants, yet it has a lot of “kid jokes”. Wes Anderson films? Pompous intellectuals love his movies, as do some of the dumbest people I know. Hell, even Fraser, a show heralded by Starbucks drinking elitist across the country for its “mature humour”, had a decent amount of “kid jokes” (did anyone see the episode where Niles had a bird attached to his head?).
June 4th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I made the mistake of reading this at work and tried to hard to stifle laughing out loud that my spleen ruptured. Thanks a lot.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@Abby
See, the first part of your comment was fantastic. You were actually explaining yourself, and made some great points along the way. Fine, you thought the article and his other articles sucked, I was just pointing out that you were accusing others of jumping on a “blowjob bandwagon” That’s it. You were not merely stating that you didn’t like his article, you were accusing everyone who liked it to be some sort of uber-phony. And I have to point out that I already made it known that I was being immature on purpose, so throwing that back in my face is a terrible form of argument.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Awesome! It was about time someone wrote something about these books for people who don’t like reading, but looooooooooooove “life lessons”
June 4th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL THIS WAS FUNNY STUFF
I bet your diseased-dick urine sample melted through the doctor’s gloves. He’s going to come out here screaming and holding up sizzling nubs that used to be his hands, melted away by your super AIDS. Shit, you make this whole waiting room smell like a herpe. I haven’t had a date this bad since my last boyfriend took me to an STD clinic to dig for cans in the trash
June 4th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
@Dimsumgirl
I’m not sure if that is sarcasm. I actually am an adult, and although my comments have a level of immaturity to them I am just trying to get across a point to Abby and anyone else. Everyone has different tastes. That’s all. Not many people out there will anonymously claim on a blog that an article is “the funniest one ever”. What would that accomplish? It baffles me to think that some people think that people do that.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Jordan:
Look, lets be honest with each other. I thought this article sucked. After reading it and commenting on it, I read a couple of other Seanbaby articles, both of which (to me) sucked. It amazes me that anyone actually finds what he has to say funny, because to me it’s the simplest form of humour. Decently constructed kids jokes are still kids jokes. I made the statement that I made, crass and innapropriate as it was, more along the lines of something you’d wonder aloud. Sure people took offence to it, which is the nature of such statements, and I probably shouldn’t have said it. But it’s not like it, or this, or pretty much anything on the internet really matters.
And of course I agree with the concept of people having different tastes. What kind of argument is that? Who honestly doesn’t know that? It’s kind of suprising to me that anyone would ever have to argue something as base as that.
And no, I wasn’t pretending to be a girl. You assumed I was (a fair assumption given the circumstances), and proceeded to make an ass of yourself by insulting women in general, and I helped you along. You were making it out that anytime a woman gripes about something, or expresses a contrary opinion, she’s obviously on her period. That’s stupid, immature, and shows so little understanding of women that it makes me wonder if you’ve been in a room with one since you were born.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@ Jordan
Yeah, you’re pretty funny for someone who still thinks ironic sexism is funny.
The “ridiculously lavish” bit was pleasingly DOBesque.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
@ Jordan
your comments make me laugh.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:59 am
So we’re dealing with time travel or a haunted book. I’ll adjust my screaming accordingly.
Made me laugh
June 4th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I have to disagree with you about fat chicks stripping; that’s one of the best things a big girl can do to make me hot.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Finally seanbaby, a return to form.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:52 am
@Abby
So… you were pretending to be a girl? Or at least defending my overtly immature ideas of women? Wow. And pointing out the immaturity of my statements is a good way to beat around the bush. Do you not agree with my point that different people have different tastes, and just because other people found this article funny doesn’t mean they are doing it to suck up to an oh-so-famous internet celebrity? Because, you know, benefits of sucking up to an internet blogger are ridiculously lavish.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:51 am
@ Abby
By the way, that sucks about the brain cancer, I just found out
June 4th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Next time I’m down, I’m gonna go look at a manhole cover, just to prove you wrong!
June 4th, 2009 at 11:48 am
@ Abby
You’ve got me all hot, bothered, and lusting for you. How would you like me to be elbow deep in your fanny? Then we could choke each other with jumper cables until we blissfully lose consciousness.
I just hope the fact that I found this article hilarious doesnt temper your potential fondness for me
June 4th, 2009 at 11:48 am
This was funny as hell!
Also please be on the lookout for glendoor42’s new book “The one great thing about being a Dad”
Well I’ll spoil it, it is
1. ” Holding on to the ever fleeting hope, that eventually,
the “oh so cute when they’re toddlers but now that that they’re in their teens and twenties they are not cute, they are the fucking devil incarnate ”
the little fuckers will move out of the goddamn house.”
The end.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:44 am
I have a slight urge to go out and buy all these books now, just to ensure the article was true.
Although if Wikipedia, the most trustable source on the web, is to be trusted, 14,000 Things to be Happy About sold over 1 million copies.
Although, really, hot dog buns and manhole covers are things to be happy about? I might have a couple of fetishes, but really…
June 4th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Terrific article, as usual. Keep it up!
June 4th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Thank you Sean…thank you.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Fucking awesome. Cyndi Haynes must die. I will bring my witch burning hat.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Thanks for making fun of these people. I think the biggest loser on this list has to be the dad. That guy is a pussy. His kids have to be adopted. There is no way a woman had sex with him (If a woman did have sex with him, I bet he cried in the fetal position an hour after they got done.)
June 4th, 2009 at 11:36 am
@Anneisprollyaho:
Who is Anne?
June 4th, 2009 at 11:36 am
I AM IN LOVE. Best article ever. I haven’t been this happy since my boyfriend became a zombie and wrote out his love to me in his own rotting entrails…..
June 4th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Wow, I just very very randomly came across this from digg… and sketchily ran through these comments…
I have to say though, that I found the article pretty funny. At any point if I were to come across one of these books at a random Chapters, I’m sure I’d be flipping through the pages and thinking a big wtf at the complete randomness of the quotes they have to offer.
I’m sure there are people that enjoy reading this type of stuff… personally though I think if you have something to “be happy about” or something that “makes you happy about life”… you would be out and about doing it… and not sitting around reading about it.
But I must say the funniest part of this link was reading the comments… I really do hope there weren’t any adults here that were serious about all this grade school bickering.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I actually really enoyed it. Luckily I’m on my own so didn’t feel bad about laughing out loud, which I did, several times. If Seanbaby sends out more articles like this, I may be converted into a fan.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:29 am
You know, uh, Seanbaby actually appears to be a pretty good comedy writer, so why he has to kill a good article with lame “fat girls stripping” jokes rather bemuses me. What’s… I don’t know, really, what’s even supposed to be funny about that?
Unfortunately, I am a man-hating dyke. Oh well. At least I’m thin.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:28 am
It takes a lot to make me actually laugh out loud, especially when I’m at work, but I was chortling audibly to the point where I had to close the door. This was damn funny stuff. The 2002 Ways to tell you I love you stuff had me in stitches! Nice work, Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Sean,
This shit is pure comedy. The only thing funnier than this, is Anne’s lame ass. How anyone could read this and not spit water from their nose… Beats me.
Your a genius, if I had an award, Id give it to you.
I’m actually making you number one in my book of 3036 people who deserve awards.
Keep it coming.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Oh man. I was just crying. God that was good.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:25 am
my god. i actually cried from laughing at my desk. this is pure brilliant sarcasm. i actually burst out laughing from the balding spot comment. excellent article sean.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:20 am
seanbaby, you have officially won me over, Ididn’t think you were an exeptional writer until now.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:19 am
1596. give her the life preserver when the ship is sinking.
or a wooden door if you’re jack from the titanic. perfect. jack must have read this book
June 4th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Okay, so-so until the the 2002 section. Then tears in my eyes. Awesome.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Sometimes I think I’ve become desensitized to internet comedy, as I rarely laugh anymore when reading these articles. But the part about bifocal contact lenses actually made me “lol” for the first time in the last 1500-1700 times I’ve used the abbreviation. So awesome.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Loved it, very funny.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:08 am
I would just like to re-iterate a formerly stated comment: This is the absolute funniest thing I’ve ever read in my entire life.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:05 am
@ Abby
Well I would assume that since your attack seemed to be out of some sort of repressed anger, it was my first guess, but maybe just being a die hard fan of Quote Books, or those authors would be enough to encite your unbridled keyboard rage, i suppose i could have been wrong, you are not a bull-dyke, just a idiot on a completely new level of stupidity. It’s ok, I read somewhere online that you have brain cancer, so I apologize for anything I might have said to offend you. I read about your brain cancer here:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/24504-reasons-to-burn-books/comment-page-4/#comment-91416
I think we might have to start a fund for a cure… you are bravery incarnate Abby. If only we could be like you!
June 4th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Oh, and for the record, I’m actually a dude. Abby comes from ‘Abby Normal’, a joke from a film called Young Frankenstein. Something that was, unlike this article, funny.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:02 am
@Abby
Choke on a dick you man-hating dyke.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:02 am
What was the grandfather of all these books? I think it was called “Everything I needed to know about Life I learned in Kindergarten” or something?
I like this kind of homespun wisdom, spoon fed to me in bullet points. If all wisdom was handed to me in this way, I might not have flunked out of med school.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:01 am
@Jordan :
Again, your understanding of how women work is utterly amazing. Obviously, Female=Loves Devil Wears Prada. Right. It’s like you know me or something.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:00 am
@Abby “Had I know that any negative comment was forbidden, I wouldn’t have said anything at all.”
They are. Shut the hell up.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:00 am
@Furnace Master:
aha, actually I was about to. as I mentioned, I’m just killing time at work.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I actually started crying reading the part about 2002 ways to say I love you. Because I was laughing so hard.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:59 am
@Abby
One last thing, maybe you didn’t read my comment earlier, but I’ll say it again:
“Honestly post any criticisms of the article that you want, but why question other people liking it? Are you actually so dumb that you don’t think it’s possible that, oh my god, different people have DIFFERENT tastes!!”
Just like how you find movies like The Devil Wears Prada funny and we don’t, does not mean that Meryl Streep is ab-so-lutlely hilaaaaarious.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:59 am
@Jordan:
Yes, clearly I must be on my period. Because your amazing understanding of how things like that work, and of women in general dictates that any woman who doesn’t like something must be on her period. Clearly, there’s no other explanation.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Abby you’ve been at this articles nuts for 5 hours now, give it a rest
June 4th, 2009 at 10:57 am
@ Fisto:
Actually, I’m getting a bigger kick out of this than I ever could the article we’re commenting on. I wasn’t pissed off, and haven’t been at all. To be honest, I’m just killing time at work.
I do have to ask though, why would me not liking this article make me a dyke? Because somehow unfunny guys would make me turn to chicks? I’d like a bit of explanation about that one.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:56 am
@Fisto
Very perceptive of why Abby is the way she is, much better than her stunning intuition that you are a 9 year old.
Also, Abby, maybe you should refrain from commenting on articles when you’re on your period. It’s been proven that a majority of women don’t have much of a sense of humour, as exemplified by films like Sex and the City and Bride Wars. And don’t swear, it’s not very lady-like.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Abby, Abby…you had my hopes up for a moment, but you really haven’t addressed the core concerns. Sniping at the obvious flamebait won’t advance your case.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:52 am
@ Mike:
“What are you trying to prove by posting negatively.”
Is that a question? See, you can tell what I just asked is because I used what we call a question mark. Usually quite helpful. To answer your question (if that is indeed what you were trying to do), I was just speaking my opinion. Obviously an unpopular one, but still. If everyone gets bent out of shape about it, it really doesn’t matter to me. Not all opinions expressed are valid or important.
“when you are commenting on somebody that has been writing articles on the internet since the late 90’s, there comes a point when you need to admit that “maybe” he has some humor in his bones. ”
Really? Did you read this article? Because if you did, it should have told you that anyone, even someone spewing the crap that he’s lampooning, can get a job writing.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Funking hysterical.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Seanbaby’s new book: A couple ways to write a funny article on Cracked
June 4th, 2009 at 10:50 am
@fisto
raped your animals and made you watch
classic LMAO
June 4th, 2009 at 10:49 am
@Abby
ooooooo Looks like i must have hit a nerve! So i was right you are a die hard fan of these books aren’t you? which would explain the “crazy bitch” pouring out of your mouth. I find it entertaining you are getting all worked up over this, I laugh while i sit back and repeat loudly: Dance Puppet! Dance!
We are not jumping on a blowjob bandwagon, just because you are a man-hating bull-dyke doesn’t mean you have to be rude and cut down everyone. A Simple “I did not like this article” would suffice, the fact that you have to get downright insulting is just letting everyone know about your own inferiority complexes. Because you have something wrong in your life, like say… you never been kissed, your children hate you, someone raped your animals and made you watch, whatever… is no reason to be the way you are. But I guess to each their own, if you wanna spend your time complaining about everything in the most ignorant form. To each their own
June 4th, 2009 at 10:47 am
@ Abby,
If I’m off, give it about a couple of hours and then revisit my number. The point is that when an overwhelming majority of comments involve praise, it makes your intentional “piss in wheaties” approach pointless.
What are you trying to prove by posting negatively. Do you /really/ feel this article was bad enough that it not only wasn’t funny, but could never be seen as funny by anyone that reads it?
And yes, when you are commenting on somebody that has been writing articles on the internet since the late 90’s, there comes a point when you need to admit that “maybe” he has some humor in his bones. I still remember reading Seanbaby’s website when I was 16, and now its 9 years later and he’s still going strong.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:46 am
@abby
i get it now u did not like it because he used the word bitch many times.Isn’t it?
June 4th, 2009 at 10:45 am
@ David Gee:
See, now that shit was funny.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:44 am
easily seanbaby’s best article. Didn’t like his other stuff, but the bit about the harpy nearly made me laugh so hard i gave away the fact that i wasn’t revising
June 4th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Not Seanbaby’s best, but still quite amusing.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:43 am
man stupid bitches writing shit who the fuck buys these books
the same stupid bitches?
funny as hell
June 4th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Holy crap, both my sides hurt.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Abby, think about this: if 99 people express a similar opinion, and one person expresses just the opposite opinion, there’s a 99% chance that the one person is a complete idiot.
I think I just found the 2,003rd way to cheer myself up!
June 4th, 2009 at 10:38 am
@ Mike:
260 + ? Really? You sure about that?
June 4th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I laughed so hard, I had tears coming out of my eyes.
‘He’s going to come out here screaming and holding up sizzling nubs that used to be his hands, melted away by your super AIDS.’
Hilarious. Well done, sir.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:35 am
@ Abby
“Had I not looked down at the comments to see a lot of people jumping on the blowjob bandwagon of praise, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered with commenting.”
This, after getting mad at someone for attacking you for posting a negative comment. I agree you have the right to post whatever you like, but why does Fisto and others not have the right to post praise without it being a “blowjob bandwagon”? And why is it that so many people “attack” someone by commenting about their age. Why is such a Queen of Comedy like yourself unable to come up with a better observation about the commenter other than the always-easy, always-fucking-stupid “uh hya hya yer 8 years old!!!”. Honestly post any criticisms of the article that you want, but why question other people liking it? Are you actually so dumb that you don’t think it’s possible that, oh my god, different people have DIFFERENT tastes!!!
p.s. I personally thought this was fucking top notch writing, I’ll jump on your blowjob bandwagon any day Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Yeah Abby, you kind of are a moron.
First you come to an article that is obviously funny, then you try and troll like you are secretly the Mayor of comedy hell bent on divine retribution.
Because, you know, when 260 + comments mention that they found the article is hilarious, they are all obviously sheep that must be shot immediately lest there be a “baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhd new strain of flu virus invented”.
Get a life, seriously.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:31 am
This was awesome Sean, way hilarious…seriously tears from laughing at the harpy reference. Though the funniest bit was to find out that some of these authors have been published MULTIPLE TIMES wow, really makes you stop believing in evolution
June 4th, 2009 at 10:29 am
@Baka to the Future: I’m not treating humour as an absolute. I was just taken aback that quite a few people found this article amusing. It’s called an opinion.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:28 am
yes, i agree with some of the others. noon is my new favorite number. one time someone said that laughing was like jogging for your insides (it probably came from a book like the ones in this article) but i think my insides just ran a marathon.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:27 am
@Professor B:
You’re right. There are quite a few syllables in ‘Dongtacular’.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Fantastic!
This article must have hit a nerve with Abby who is clearly among the “harpy bitches” the article describes so well.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:23 am
From Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: “There’s no such thing as a bad decision.” And this from a PhD. Uhuh, tell that to Hitler.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Fantastic article.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Aaahhhhh!!!
This article made me chain together orgasms! Great job!
BTW, my favorite number is noon, too.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Dear Abby (this feels so wrong)
You are free to comment on the article, whether your views reflect positively or negatively upon it.
What is objectionable is your treatment of humor as an absolute. Obviously no one but you has a valid perception of what is funny, and anyone who expresses a positive reaction simply *must* be in it to gratify the author’s mantle.
Peurile.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I think the reason most don’t find Seanbaby funny is because they are easily distracted by words with multiple syllables. Intelligently written with infantile humor intricately woven in. You have to read it a couple of times sometime to actually get how funny his writing is. Brilliant as always Seanbaby, brilliant.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I read somewhere it’s Tuesday.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:15 am
“My applogies. I had no idea that the comments section here was purely for people to take turns polishing Seanbaby’s knob.”
I forgive you Abby. It may not be your fault. Perhaps you have brain cancer.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:13 am
You have substantially enriched my life.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Classic. Great article Seanbaby!
…dongtacular.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:08 am
You get first crack at your daughter (if she’s HAWT!) before her Jr. High School Football Team tags her young, firm ass in the locker room and turns her into a penis-hating lesbian!!! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=17&sku=ENGL-CD00312
June 4th, 2009 at 10:05 am
This is the absolute funniest thing I’ve ever read in my entire life.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Thank you for trashing these stupid soccer moms who’ve never experienced life outside their white picket fence neighborhoods. The banality of their lives almost seems out of my screen — like a god damn chest burster, only drunk, smoking a cheap cigar, and who’s response to any question while plopped in front of the television is “ask your mother”.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Thank-you for this article. I haven’t laughed so much at an internet article in a long time.
My favorite number will be noon from now on in your honor.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Good stuff!! Hey guys, how long have been single? Do U wanna find your sexy partner more easier and effective?? Please check out ___WealthyMingle.net___ where you can meet the wealthy singles,sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Just go and hook up your soul mate now!
June 4th, 2009 at 9:58 am
@Fisto McPuppypuncher:
My applogies. I had no idea that the comments section here was purely for people to take turns polishing Seanbaby’s knob. Had I know that any negative comment was forbidden, I wouldn’t have said anything at all.
Or, maybe since this is provided for people to say what they think about the article, I’ll say whatever the fuck I feel like saying, and tell douchebags like you who can’t stand having someone not like the shit you like to go fuck themselves.
I’d love to have not read this article. Having the few minutes that it took to read through it might not be a bad thing at all. I didn’t ask for this article to suck, but it did, and I’m free to comment on it if I please. I usually love this site, and find pretty much every article I read here to be worth reading, but this just wasn’t funny at all. Had I not looked down at the comments to see a lot of people jumping on the blowjob bandwagon of praise, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered with commenting.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:55 am
If you don’t like Seanbaby.. get out and quit bitching
June 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
@Dakilleux: http://www.seanbaby.com (duh)
June 4th, 2009 at 9:53 am
The last part was the best part. Care Bears Fucking.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Holy Crap, this is Seanbaby’s first funny article. Freaking hilarious, dude.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:51 am
I was reading this at work, and DYING laughing. I almost had to stop, but instead I jumped into an empty office to finish the article. Definitely exceeding Cracked’s already high standard of comedy!
June 4th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Funny as all hell. Sean keeps getting funnier with each new article.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Been reading Seanbaby’s stuff for years. I about shit my pants when I found out he was going to be writing for Cracked.
Glad to see the pen-sword is still sharp. Awesome article. I laughed my tits off.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Seeing that Seanbaby had a new article out is what cheered me up.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:45 am
“My favorite number is noon!” roflrofl.
I was laughing my ass off through this entire thing.
I love seanbaby <3
June 4th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I really want my wife to wait for test results now…
June 4th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Just… brilliant, verging on dontactular.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Oh my God I thought I was gonna die laughing…
“Fine, sweater vests sort of make me happy too. I’m not a monster.”
That and the last 3 “2002 Ways to Say ‘I love you’” were my absolute favorite moments of this article.. thank you, Seanbaby
June 4th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Seanbaby, this is damned brilliant.
“Look, I’m not a doctor, Steve, but you need to stop transcribing your kid’s speech impediments and get it to the orthodontist.”
Thanks for the excellent read!
June 4th, 2009 at 9:36 am
“Skreee!!! I don’t care if you needed to get up at 7:30! My favorite number is noon! Plus, you know how clock buttons scratch my claws! Agh, look what you made me do! All this spraying stomach acid is ruining my lipstick! Caw!”
I’m confused. How do you know my ex-wife?
June 4th, 2009 at 9:36 am
The Deep South comment was hilarious, if inaccurate. Unfortunately the accent has degraded from Southern plantation owner to southern inbred…but hey! Our sweet tea rocks
June 4th, 2009 at 9:35 am
@ Abby , Than687, You_Suck
If you don’t like what he writes then stop reading it! We all know you are here to get attention from others because we like to defend the writers we enjoy. I am sorry if you do not have a sense of humour, or are like every 14 year old who plays halo3 and will never see a naked person in real life, or will ever yourself even write for a successful website. Please stop whining about how terrible the person is, GROW UP and just skip reading it if you don’t like his articles.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:35 am
this article is goddamn priceless. sometimes you are such an asshole it’s like injecting concentrated youtube comments straight into my eyeball, but sometimes you are the funniest motherfucker on earth, and I’m glad you’re writing for cracked these days.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Simply dongtacular, seanbaby!
“I haven’t had a date this bad since my last boyfriend took me to an STD clinic to dig for cans in the trash…”
I fucking fell off my chair reading that one.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Abby is really Cyndi Haynes or a creepy die hard fan of her work, that would be the only way she did not find this funny at all. This article was great, made me laugh quite a bit.
Kudos Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Loved this article.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Than687 must have been reading something different then the rest of us were, this article is the funniest I have read in a while. Excellent work seanbaby, you are a comedic genius.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Funny and enjoyable as a truck load of manhole covers. good article.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@M1ke
You come here for the news articles?
Do you think all those slutty girls mess up a perfectly good Playboy, too?
June 4th, 2009 at 9:17 am
first time anything on cracked makes me laugh.
you sir need your own website
June 4th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I love the marvelous comment-contributors that think they speak for Civilization and Good Taste in the Most Holy Name of High-Brow Comedy.
Welcome to Cracked.
Carry on, Seanbaby. FOR GREAT JUSTICE.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Loved this whole article! Though I must admit my fave one is “manhole covers.” hahaha (Props to Maquinal on using defenestrate!)
June 4th, 2009 at 9:01 am
wow, this had me dieing by the end.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I like the Lord of the Flies reference near the end.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I have sent away for a fictional bread monster.
I eagerly await his arrival.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I can understand why some people don’t like this article, your sense of humour can be a tad acerbic at times but your tone perfectly suited the bullshit that was pumped out in those “books”. Great article, keep it up and you may become my favourite collumnist
June 4th, 2009 at 8:54 am
absolutely hilarious article. i have no idea what kind of humor those negative nancies down below are looking for.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:53 am
a Kraken that buys everyone pizza when you release it…
you are hilarious, sir
June 4th, 2009 at 8:53 am
“If you’re made notably happy by tolerable temperatures, you’d probably chain together orgasms from a cookie.”
Had me rolling.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Some of the best lines I’ve ever read. I’d have to recopy half of the article just to name a few. Fucking great.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:51 am
I cried.
I literally laughed hard enough to forced tears out of my eyes. This was absolutely hilarious.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Fucking hilarious!!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Sweater vests rule.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Sean, I was having to bite my lip from laughing out loud in my English class, all the while catching some awkward glances from everyone around while I snickered to myself like a fucking weirdo. Thank you, that was awesome.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:41 am
While those list books may be stupid beyond compare, I highly recommend “11,002 things to be miserable about” by Lia Romero and Nick Romero
For example:
Splinters in your eyes
Splinters in your genitals
Cell phone contracts
Sweating profusely in work clothes at 9am
Discovering your cat’s corpse under an exterminator’s tent
Cleaning up vomit
And so on and so forth. Possibly the best list ever.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:40 am
“Try to think about a time in your life where you were so depressed you had to turn to the fact that manhole covers exist for comfort. There’s not even a word for that kind of depression. And if there was, you would have to beat a bleating walrus to death with a violin in order to pronounce it.”
Ok, that was amazing. I couldn’t stop laughing at my desk.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:39 am
seanbaby you suck plz just stop writing FOREVER
June 4th, 2009 at 8:39 am
lmao
June 4th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Finally a good article by Seanbaby. Keep this up, and I may not defenestrate my computer every time I see your name on the screen.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Damn that was funny! No doubt you’re well into your next bit of comedy and have no interest in editing this, but if you do, I think it says “accused” when you meant “accursed.” Spell check won’t help you with that one.
I spotted this instantly, as I myself am an evil genius and regularly bitch about accursed meddlers who foil my schemes.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Ummmm sweater vest suck..
LOL
Check this out Electronic Cigarette
June 4th, 2009 at 8:34 am
more like 24, 504 worst words ever amassed into a shitty article. I’m not sure why i even kept reading after I saw that it was seanbaby, but i did, and of course, i shouldn’t have.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:32 am
dongtacular, absolutely dongtacular
June 4th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Every time i come to cracked and there is new articles up, i get a tiny bit anxious, like i can’t wait to read some potentially hilarious stuff. So i click on them, and i’m almost always glad that i did. Guys like Swaim, DOB, Brockway, Bucholz, and even some of the guest writers never let me down. But then there’s you, seanbaby. Your name suits you. I think someone would have to be a bit of a baby to think the things that you write are even remotely funny. Please, either get some tips from the other columnists, or get out of their way so they can write some things worth reading.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:25 am
“Everything your kid does seems cute to you, which is the natural biological defense against discarding things that wail or squirt poop.”
Perfect.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Oh gawd…I lol’ed all over myself.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Wait, where’s the funny part? I kept reading, waiting for the funny part, but it never came…
June 4th, 2009 at 8:20 am
That was possibly the funniest thing ive ever read
June 4th, 2009 at 8:18 am
You know this reminds me of the MST3K episode where Joel reads ‘Life’s Little Instruction Book’ to Crow and Tom to truly horrify them.
Brilliant as usual SB, keep up the good work big guy.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:11 am
@Abby
I was thinking the exact same thing. There is almost nothing funny about this article at all, or any of his other articles. seanbaby reminds me of the one kid in highschool that was always telling jokes and jumping into conversations, but no one ever laughed at him and he never took the hint. Like, seriously, I think that you might BE that kid from my High School. I’m not sure if you hired a bunch of kids or made a whole bunch of E-mail addresses to get so many compliments on this article, but it is completely undeserving.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:07 am
that was quite possibly the best article ever written for cracked
well played sean baby, well played
June 4th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Holy crap! thank you so much for that!! I got tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Much appreciated!
June 4th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Had me in tears by the end of Wish List. Splendid work. Really dongtacular stuff.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:00 am
YES.
Nothing more must be said.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:59 am
I thought most of it was good, but the line about Care Bears fucking had me rolling!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:59 am
I never comment on this site…but I had to for this article. The super aids comment made me laugh out loud…which I almost never do while on the internet…regardless of how funny I think something is.
Good work seanbaby!!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:54 am
This is a great news!! so, for celebration, I want to recommend you lonely guys who hate lonely nights a great online club to meet your activity partner, romance and lover, either for heat or passion: http://Tallconnect.com the most popular place for hot modelss, handsome men meet and mingle! u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL
June 4th, 2009 at 7:54 am
This kick ass article has almost soothed my pains of losing EGM.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:52 am
My Granddad was ambassador to China. Not american, or of any other relevan country, but still
June 4th, 2009 at 7:52 am
In cubicles all across the world there are people failing to mask their laughter while reading this, causing their neighbors to think they are crying. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this much at anything. Excellent work.
The alarm clock bit almost killed me.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:51 am
“A book like a diaper that melts into shit when you piss on it.” <— Sounds like someone might go file for a patent….
June 4th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Oh my god, I’ve just had to stifle myself from laughing a million times as I’ve read this at the office and I’ve made some peculiar choking noises in an effort not to laugh. This is hilarious!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:49 am
THis made me lol. Good list about lists!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Damn, this was a good one. I had my doubts about seanbaby in the past, but his articles are really impressing me.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Oh good lord, I haven’t left that hard in a long time.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:38 am
That was fucking hillarious! The disease dick urine sample line made me spit my coffee all over the keyboard (which is now making my fingers sticky). Great article Seanbaby!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Yeah, how dare people pass off their silly lists as something worth reading.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:36 am
so full of win. DONGTACULAR!!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Another awesome article, thanks Mr. Baby. Kudos for managing to produce a list article consisting of 24,504 items - that must be some kind of record for Cracked, surely?
June 4th, 2009 at 7:30 am
well played, seanbaby. you are the tits.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Dude, I’ve been reading your articles since you wrote for EGM and your still awesome! Keep writing Seanbaby!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:25 am
This was the first Seanbaby article I enjoyed reading. It was clever, funny, and amusing. If only he came up with more material like this.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:23 am
I have to absolutely agree with Batgirl here… Usually can’t read your stuff, Seanbaby, but this article proves I may have been very wrong. It was absolute gold. More like this, please, it was fantastic.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:23 am
You read them all. Outstanding.
Thanks for slamming a group of lazy authors who need to try really really hard to stop writing stupid books.
If these books were blogs, the authors would be able to commune with their fans, creating a black hole of smarminess, and ending it… but no… they write books, so the circle cannot be completed and we are burdened with their pollyanna angst forever.
Excellent buildup to HARPY BEASTS… SWARM OF INSECTS!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:22 am
I can’t read this shit in class anymore, I get in trouble for laughing.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:21 am
There is definitely some awe in this…as in fucking AWESOME.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:21 am
That was some funny shit xD
June 4th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Ohhh duuuude this was awesome!!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Sweet merciful heavens, the last book you tore into was just priceless.
Really funny stuff, all of it. Best I have read in a long while.
I know I said it before, and others have said it as well, but you remind me of John Cheese at his best and that is a very tall order to fill.
So thank you for posting and glad to have you on Cracked.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Brilliant:
Reminds me of a time back in school when we were teasing the hell out of the deeply catholic religious nutbar chick in our class. She had a little booklet of ‘things to do” that we assume was designed to stop kids our age poking each other with bits of our anatomy. Amongst the more ludicrous activities was: Unroll a toilet roll and roll it back up again. - TRUE STORY - One guy read pretty much all the listed activites while we all pissed ourselves laughing and the jesus freak went bright red and cried a bit. Where was your god that day bitch? WHERE WAS HE!
And about ten years later I learned that a guy I know had picked her up and slowly turned her into a raving cock whore who fucked like a wild Amazonian.
God: Zero Bastard men of the world: One.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:04 am
DONG-FUCKING-TACULAR
June 4th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Totally fucking hilarious, although I must admit, if those were real, then parts of this did sort of write themselves.
The funniest part had to have been “Try really, really hard to feel good about your life”. Those words are lyrics I would expect from a cross between Evanescence and Mariah Carry.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Wow Abby, not bad. You just managed to insult not only the author, but every person who may have had found this article entertaining. WAY TO GO!
Why do I suspect that you are actually Cindi Haynes using a pseudonym to impotently try and protect her honor on the internet?
June 4th, 2009 at 6:55 am
My god; I can’t stop laughing!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:54 am
My favorite part:
“Steve, I just came by your desk to tell you that you’re so stupid your kid probably can’t even place in a spelling be– what’s this!? A seventh place spelling bee ribbon!? I was wrong about you, Steve. You’re alright.”
P.S. Abby is dumb
June 4th, 2009 at 6:52 am
Seanbaby, I freakin’ love you. Great work again!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Now there’s a sane reason for self-help books to exist: Seanbaby’s mockery.
Between this article and House’s musings, I now feel elated to live in a world full of shmucks, it’s like a never-ending SNL episode.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:38 am
I ahve to keep from lol’ing in my office! Seanbaby, you gotta stop being so freaking funny!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:34 am
I would make a book called “2000 Ways to Destroy my Enemies”. Number 2000 would be “With Kindness…and a flamethrower”
June 4th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I’m not going to lie, I’m not usually a Seanbaby fan. However this article was quite dongtacular. I laughed. I cried. It moved me Sean.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:29 am
outstanding
June 4th, 2009 at 6:28 am
@Abby:
You may go now. Thanks.
Call before making plans to stop by next time, in case we’re not up for PMS-brooding and generalized cattiness.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:24 am
I’m nowhere near the end of this piece, and yet I must pause to declare my allegiance to seanbaby!
Um…well, I didn’t actually work out the declaration part. But it would be loud and spittle-inducing.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:23 am
“There’s not even a word for that kind of depression. And if there was, you would have to beat a bleating walrus to death with a violin in order to pronounce it.”
June 4th, 2009 at 6:21 am
You keep making me laugh
June 4th, 2009 at 6:21 am
I love Cracked, but sir, you have made it much better just by being here. This is the first time that I have actually laughed so hard that I teared at the eyes when reading. I repeat; I have never read something that made my laugh so hard I cried. Until now. You are Jesus, Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:21 am
This is the first of your articles I’ve actually bothered to read all the way through. Almost closed the page when i saw your name, but thought I’d give you another try. Congratulations. You’ve earned another fan.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Wow. I’m going to assume that the writer of this article just created a shitload of fake names and emails to felate himself here in the comments section, because that’s the only way I could imagine anyone who wasn’t 9 thinking this article was funny. Seriously, please tell me you’re not getting paid for this.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:12 am
Dongtacular!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:07 am
u havent have a perfect dating? honey, you know == http://SugarMommyMatch.Com == here,it is the best and most effective online dating for mature women and sugar babies.u can find someone special to be ur friend and to date….
June 4th, 2009 at 6:04 am
I’ve read the 14, 000 book. It should be retitled as “14,000 Things” since that’s all it is. We used to have it at work and the cheap binding was failing. I stuck it in the bathroom and kept removing the toilet paper hoping it would go away. I finally had to throw it out. It wasn’t even good enough for poop.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:03 am
You’re becoming my favorite blogger here!…and just embarrassed me at work. It was pretty awkward trying to mask my laughing as I read this.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:03 am
This may well be the funniest Cracked article ever. Keep up the good work!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:02 am
You’re shooting fish in a barrel here Seanbaby, but you’re still a great fucking shot. Thank you.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:56 am
That might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read!
June 4th, 2009 at 5:56 am
The ways to say I love you are the best. I laughed so loud that I actually might get fired!
well played sir
June 4th, 2009 at 5:55 am
I swear to god, Seanbaby is the funniest writer on Cracked. I mean, I enjoy most Cracked blogs, but Seanbaby’s are typically the only ones that have me laughing out loud repeatedly to the point that I’m crying.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Holy Christ, I think my intern thought I was dying after I read the Think Tank quote. Well done Seanbaby, this article is your best yet.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Holy crap- I actually shot beer from my nose when I read, “Shit, you make this whole waiting room smell like a herpe.” Thanks for the laughs, SeanBaby. Keep ‘em coming!
June 4th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Incredible column! Almost all you’ve written so far here has been killer material.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Seriously awesome Seanbaby! I almost laughed out loud at “Gone fishing.”
People may complain about how long these lists are, but it’s nice to have an article that takes more than 30 seconds to read.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:39 am
1620 of “ways to say I love you ” is fucking disgusting! what kind of a woman would be up for that?
Oh wait it says FISHING, my mistake.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:30 am
The test results one had me struggling to breath from the laughter. This was awesome. Maybe we can get some Crackedheads to donate retarded books to Seanbaby to write about.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Yeah, well, we don’t want you as our ambassador either, lady.
Also, I cannot believe she gets PAID to write down random things a twelve year old could think of. It’s just THAT easy to get published!
(I can’t believe that people take this book seriously either. Save some money and just hand a pad of paper to the nearest class of elementary kids you can find.)
June 4th, 2009 at 5:22 am
i feel the need to comment, as this was the most hilarious blog i have read in a while. i literally lol-ed. keep up the good work seanbaby!
June 4th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Amazing! Thanks for writing!
June 4th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Holy fucking darn! One of the funniest articles I have read here!
June 4th, 2009 at 4:58 am
OMFG, I’m almost tempted to buy that last book just to see how bad the other entries are.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:58 am
“My favorite number is noon!”
And now, so is mine. Outstanding.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:50 am
This is your best work on Cracked yet Seanbaby.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Justin liked this, it was funny.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Brillant, just brillant. This was wonderful to read.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Great post, very funny.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:39 am
Great list. I hate stupid people. Just once I’d like to see someone write a book like this actual problems they overcame. Where simple things like, “I got up and didn’t want to kill myself today!” rank in the numbers.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Amazing
June 4th, 2009 at 3:23 am
Hilarious!! Seriously disturbing that these books exist!