6 Insane Plot Points Marvel Movies Refuse To Delve Into

Considering the amount of unwanted destruction they routinely dole out, it was only a matter of time before The Avengers had the kind of introspective shit-fight we've been promised with Captain America: Civil War. But while I'm excited to see these charming monster people work out their differences, this is actually but one rung on the askew ladder delivering these characters on an ascent into total lunacy.

See, The Avengers are fun to watch ... specifically because we've been spared all the logistical and psychological fallout that absolutely must be plaguing this universe. Like a deleted scenes featurette from the underworld, consider that the following calamitous events had to happen for our favorite heroes to exist ...

#6. Everyone Has Seen Bruce Banner's Dick. A LOT

Marvel Studios

Cards on the table -- we all know The Hulk probably has a giant, weird-looking dick. Marvel knows this and knows we know this, which is why we've all agreed to give him big, stretchy pants, lest we see that ungodly hose slapping about like a beluga mangling an otter. It would be enough to trigger an existential crisis in every male moviegoer.

Marvel Studios
"Dear lord, the veins are bigger than mine."

So, yeah, despite it being a figurative and literal stretch, they gave the man pants. But, as a result, the transformation from slacks to stitch-busting short-shorts leaves human-Bruce inevitably naked when the dust clears.

Marvel Studios
"Grower, huh?"

None of this is new information, but it's rather easy to forget when the majority of Hulk battles abruptly cut away after victory is declared. Even when they are fighting in, say, a snowy forest ...

Marvel Studios
If it wasn't for shrinkage, she wouldn't even be able to get that near.

Or the middle of New York ...

Marvel Studios
Not that angry shirtless dudes yelling in the street are anything new there.

Or on the streets of an African city ...

Marvel Studios
"EVACUATE THE CITY. HE'S STILL SPORTING A GREENIS."

No matter where they are, Banner's sweaty dick is the celebratory fireworks after the parade of violence. Every battle will end with a shivering naked man waiting for somebody to grab a robe from the quinjet -- and that's assuming they have spare clothes at the ready. Keep in mind that for most of these occasions, Hulking-out was not originally on the menu ... meaning that no one would have thought to bring an extra set of trousers. In other words, the Hulkbuster fight probably ended with Tony Stark awkwardly carrying a balls-out Banner to the nearest JCPenney while onlookers snapped heroic dick pics for the fast-growing /r/HulkPecker subreddit.

But at least his problem is physical ...

#5. Tony Stark Is Quietly Going Insane From PTSD (And No One Cares)

Marvel Studios

Unlike having a big green dong or being frozen in time-travel ice, Tony Stark's burden is that he's a rich maniac suffering PTSD from almost dying in space (at the end of The Avengers). At least that was the case in Iron Man 3, the only film that's substantially addressed the problem by showing Stark's multiple panic attacks and obsessive robot hoarding.

Marvel Studios
Donald Trump's late-life crisis could be going way worse, is what we're saying.

The film eventually ends with Tony blowing up his collection as an act of recovery, only to freak out again and accidentally build a killbot in Avengers: Age Of Ultron. That's because Tony's PTSD isn't something he can cure by exploding a therapeutic hobby, even though everyone around him acts like that's the case. In fact -- Stark's friends not only give less than a jet-powered fuck about his condition, they actually seem angry at him for suffering from it.

Marvel Studios
"Come on, man, contemplating the endless death-void of space isn't a good look ..."

James "War Machine" Rhodes, a military man who must know the dangers of PTSD, hand-waves Tony's panic attack like it's an embarrassing mishap. Later, when it's revealed that Tony's been pathologically "tinkering" with countless Iron Man suits, Pepper treats it like an annoying hobby ... even when the annoying hobby accosts her during the night.

Marvel Studios
"Whoops, that was meant for me. Masturbot, stand down!"

Despite Tony having a nightmare so severe it wakes up his remote-controlled death armor, Pepper angrily tells Tony to "tinker" with her sleeping on the couch like he just dealt a Dutch oven. At no point does she seem concerned that the man sleeping next to her has access to devastating technology and is gradually slipping into Sheen-level madness.

Then this happens:

Marvel Studios
Tony's house isn't by the sea; the missiles hit his liquor cabinet.

If there were a cure for space-related PTSD, I'm guessing it wouldn't be the crushing weight of your home as you plunge into the bottom of the sea. In fact, between the darkness and lack of oxygen, this seems like a pretty close re-creation of the horrible asphyxiation threat haunting Tony's mind. And yet, instead of featuring a solid hour of him catatonically screaming into his own brain, the film carries on like its hero didn't just get bushwhacked by crippling fear. There's even a fun post-credits scene where it's revealed that Stark's been venting his story to Bruce Banner ...

Marvel Studios

... who's been sleeping the whole time. Jesus, guys. Does literally no one in The Avengers care that one of their teammates is slowly coming apart? No wonder Tony's so angry in Civil War.

Then again, (almost) everyone has a right to be angry, considering that ...

#4. Thor Is Going To Outlive All His Friends By Eons

Marvel Studios

Here's a thought: According to the Marvel timeline, Thor has been alive roughly since the year 965, making him around 1,035 years old. Up to Civil War, the timeline to The Avengers has lasted about five years -- meaning that this world-changing event has taken up approximately 1/200th of his current lifetime, which for a human living to be 80 is the equivalent of five months. So, going by that obvious math, the 60 years that Thor is going to be potentially boning Jane Foster is his equivalent of five years, or less than the entire Brennifer saga. Only, I'm guessing they won't be boning for the last decade or two, considering that Jane will be half-dust while Thor is exactly the same.


"Welp, I should probably, uh ... get going ..."

Assuming Thor lives as long as his father (around 5,000 years), the undying love between him and Jane would fill the span of your first year in elementary school. Saving the fucking planet would be as consequential as a rope swing exercise at summer camp. I mean ... have you even seen him take any kind of serious damage while fighting alongside his buddies? What could turn Hawkeye into a red mist is like getting hit by a Frisbee at recess for Thor.

Marvel Studios
But, yeah, just go right ahead and stand behind the frail meatsacks, Goldilocks.

Seriously, is Thor even in any danger during these films? Had Ultron successfully rock-punched the planet into oblivion, the post-credits scene would have been Thor bifrosting back to his realm at the last second, giving a Larry David shrug, and grabbing some Asgardian shawarma.

Thousands of years is a long-ass time, but at least it won't be boring. Thor's practical immortality also means he'll have a privileged view when human society crumbles faster than your last Civilization III game. Why? Well, for one thing ...

Recommended For Your Pleasure

David Christopher Bell

  • Rss

More by David Christopher Bell:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

460 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!