5 Sad Truths You Learn Watching All The Marvel Films At Once

Ever since we first saw Nick Fury brooding in Tony Stark's Malibu mansion at the end of Iron Man, the Marvel films have presented themselves as a single "cinematic universe" of events. To bone up before Age Of Ultron, some of us here at Cracked decided to watch all ten films in a single 20+ hour half-comatose sitting. It looked something like this:

I didn't add the soundtrack; it just naturally occurs whenever there's more than one Cracked writer in the room.

All things considered, I may have lost my mind at some point during the day. Not because of the length and quality of the films, but rather because when watched sequentially as the part of a larger "universe," you begin to see a bigger picture, like one of those Bob Marley mosaic posters. But instead of America's favorite soul rebel, these films turn into a terrifying world in which every living being becomes an illogical turd-cluster of insanity.

It's very clear that Marvel never thought anyone would actually sit down and watch all these films in a row, because doing so reveals disturbing truths, such as how ...

#5. Marvel Humans Don't Give A Shit About Monumental Tragedy

Marvel Studios

Did you know that the entire Marvel universe is made up of nothing but Robert-Durst-level sociopaths? I'm not talking about the Red Skulls and Kingpins of this world -- I mean the regular people. It's true, and here's the strongest piece of evidence:

Marvel Studios
It's also evidence of your monumental nerdiness if you own this as a poster.

When Marvel Studios released this official timeline of the films leading up to The Avengers, one disturbing detail seemingly went unnoticed: It turns out that the events of Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk, and Thor all happen in the exact same week.

To recap: Loki sends an Asgardian Gort to blow up a town in New Mexico, Whiplash ruins the Grand Prix and explodes the Stark Expo, and Hulk is hunted by an army that destroys both a university campus and like half of Harlem. All in one week. Imagine if 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and Janet Jackson's nipple all hit America at the same time.

Then, after Captain America gets defrosted, Loki opens a space portal above Stark Tower (located in Lower Manhattan) and causes an estimated $160 billion dollars in gratuitous alien destruction and death. Cut to the fiery aftermath, and the gang is banishing the trickster God in the middle of Central Park like it's a Sunday chore:

Marvel Studios
"Let's meet between the stone nipples, say, noonish?"

Just a bunch of people dressed like operatic future lords blasting into the netherworld at ground zero for the largest citywide leveling since World War II ...

Marvel Studios

... and the rest of the world is having a goddamn picnic. No crowds of reporters, no protesters demanding Loki's dick on a platter. Anyone old enough to remember the weeks following 9/11 realizes how monumentally bonkers this would be. Compound that with the fact that these events seemingly confirm the validity of goddamn Norse mythology, and it's baffling why all the churches in town didn't declare a holy war or suddenly convert to Idris Elba.

And before you argue that "It's a comic book movie and people in the Marvel universe are different" -- that's exactly my point. This is not the same world as ours, but rather a dystopian hellsphere where the oppressive overlord has long callused over the human condition. What's the very first thing established about the public in Iron Man?

Marvel Studios
Other than no one being allowed to stare directly at Robert Downey Jr.

They've made a Hugh-Hefner-style rock star out of a fucking weapons manufacturer. I get that Tony Stark acts eccentric, but that's still like the CEO of L-3 Communications being treated like Jennifer Lawrence. This might explain why in Thor 2, people flock towards destruction, as if human pain was delicious watermelon-flavored candy.

Marvel Studios
"Look, a chance to feel something! Anything!"

For whatever reason, the Marvel Universe is filled with blood-hungry, emotionless masses who place no value on human life. It's almost like they've institutionalized careless cruelty. In fact, the more you watch, the more you realize it's exactly like that ...

#4. The Government Is Bafflingly Terrible

Marvel Studios

The new Daredevil series is both dick-numbingly fun and surprisingly grounded, because it immediately establishes a corrupt police environment that nurtures Zorro-type lunatics. The rest of the Marvel franchise attempts the same thing, but does it by turning every non-superhero authority into the bumble-fart drunk from spaghetti westerns. Let's start with their non-Stark defense contractors:

Marvel Studios
The Marvel universe's Larry Flynt and ... guy who owns RedTube.

Aside from being hand-wringing villains, as businessmen, both Obadiah Stane and Justin Hammer are more incompetent and spiteful than the cast of Glengarry Glen Ross. Hammer is impossibly in charge of an entire weapons manufacturing company despite not being able to correctly design a simple projectile weapon, and the big reveal in Iron Man is that Obadiah had originally paid terrorists to murder Stark for, as we've covered before, completely stupid and pointless reasons. When partially exposed, Obadiah goes on a Robotech rampage through Los Angeles instead of covering up the evidence, as if the "evil" switch got jostled in his brain.

Marvel Studios
"You'll pay for this, Superma-- wait, uh ... who am I, again?"

He goes from calculating businessman to cackling Batman villain -- which is actually a motif in the early Marvel films, like when the general in Incredible Hulk sends Tim Roth to take out Bruce Banner without mentioning that his target is a steely green gnash-ogre. See, it's not just who they hire; the entire military excels in sucking a veiny D when it comes to consistently dealing with potential threats. The first Iron Man ends with Stark and Stane going robot bananas and leaving a mechanized trail of death on a Los Angeles freeway. The government response? A polite hearing asking Stark to relinquish his flying industrial murder outfit. Now compare that to the way they handle a dude who turns into an invincible punch monster when he gets angry:

Marvel Studios
"Maybe a nice artillery massage will soothe him?"

Tits-out war. Considering that Stark's dickishly possessive of a way more weaponizable ability, wouldn't it make more sense if these two responses were switched? That the army would handle the poor gamma-irradiated scientist with polite discourse while forcing the rich guy with the destructo-suit to give up the goods? My only guess is that deep down inside, the military just likes watching civilians explode like pulp-filled water balloons. That would certainly explain firing blindly through a Harlem brownstone.

Marvel Studios
Killing like ten potential Matt Murdock one-night stands.

So it's not just regular folks but the institutions themselves who revel in epic-scale tragedy, which makes me wonder why they would need heroes in the first place. But maybe that's why the Avengers are not actually heroic at all ...

#3. The Avengers Don't Actually Help Anyone

Marvel Studios

If everyone wasn't a sociopath, people in the Marvel universe would be terrified of the Avengers. After all, by the time you reach Iron Man 3, the only solid fact the masses know is that whenever a major metropolitan area explodes in a rain of hellfire, some costumed jackass is guaranteed to be hanging out in the rubble.

Marvel Studios
"Love those guys!" -- shawarma vendors and literally no one else.

"But what about all they've done to help the general populace?" Like what, exactly? Superman used to go around the world putting out house fires with his magic breath. Spider-Man almost pathologically saves bystanders. Gritty heroes like Batman and Daredevil focus on cleaning up organized crime (and ninjas) in a concentrated area. The Avengers, on the other hand, do zero crime-fighting or any kind of humanitarian efforts to make the world around them a better place ... despite the fact that the movies go out of their way to show us that they have all the power in the world to do it. Iron Man and S.H.I.E.L.D. are shown using computers out of some Tom Cruise sci-fi future:

Marvel Studios
"I'm sending over the schematics for the--"

When, according to the new Captain America film, civilian computers haven't progressed beyond laptops:

Marvel Studios
"This isn't the moment to use the Stark Penis Viewing Machine, Natasha."

Remember that scene? It happened not long after Fury offhandedly mentioned that Stark gave S.H.I.E.L.D some pointers on how to improve their invisible floating deathships -- the same guy who swore off war devices in the first Iron Man. And sure, he's been talking about creating a renewable energy source for the world since that same film, and yet has only taken the time to power his own tower and a bajillion personal battle droids instead. You could argue that there's a lot of political red tape and time that goes into giving the world free energy ... only the films do a bang-up job at showing Tony's ability to get around both of those things when it suits his needs (or when he has a need for suits). For example, not only does he tell Congress to get fucked in Iron Man 2 ...

Marvel Studios
"You can use this."

... but he goes on to create a brand new element in the span of a single afternoon. Yeah, remember that montage in which Tony creates a particle accelerator after discovering that his crazy dead father hid an unknown element in a toy fucking model? According to the official Marvel timeline, that took place in less than a day.

Marvel Studios
That was a trick question; no one remembers Iron Man 2.

Less than a day! And he can't even bother to even give us some hologram computers?

The new Avengers sequel has a scene in which (inconsequential spoilers ahead) the gang sits around and drinks beer in Stark's high-tech tower overlooking the city they were directly responsible for destroying. How is there not a 24/7 horde of angry protesters drowning out their fun? How are children still looking up to Stark in Iron Man 3? For fuck's sake, his World Peace Expo ended with military robots firing into crowds of innocent bystanders before detonating like drums of gasoline.

Marvel Studios
"Thank god no one I want to sleep with was hurt ..."

But that's not the weirdest thing you notice when the marathon gets to Iron Man 3 ...

Recommended For Your Pleasure

David Christopher Bell

  • Rss

More by David Christopher Bell:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!