A few weeks ago I wrote an article about people I'd like to murder for doing seemingly minor things. Specifically, seven kinds of people, which is the largest number I've ever had in a Cracked list. I think that speaks volumes about my mental stability and capacity for forgiveness. Even more impressive? I left six people out. I now present six more folks I'd like to murder for committing minor, but apparently completely unforgivable, offenses in everyday life.
#6. People Who Walk Slowly in Groups On Crowded Sidewalks
I didn't read all the comments in the original article (honest) but from what I scanned, this entry was probably the most popular suggestion for something I missed. It's one of the many sins people commit due to selfishness and/or the complete lack of situational awareness. You know who they are: a group of friends that decide the best way to carry on a conversation is to walk, three or four in a row, at a snail's pace on a busy public sidewalk. Maybe they think they're just like those sassy Sex and the City women, and the world is their oyster. Maybe they don't realize that those women are actresses, and those scenes are shot with extras who are paid to walk three feet behind and not punch them in the back of the head, drag their stunned bodies to the curb and stomp them until they're dead. Or maybe they do know and they just don't care. They'll walk how they want to walk because this is America. (Unless you're reading this somewhere that isn't America. In which case, do you have sidewalks there? Oh, you do? Just like real people! That's adorable -- easy, France, I'm just messin' with ya.)
OK, cool. You're off the sidewalk and into the street. Now just hold it. Hold it. No, I don't hear a truck coming ...
I can hear some of you asking, "Why don't you just cross the street if it bothers you so much?" to which I reply, "Why don't you and your three fat friends cross the street? You're the ones who suck." I know. I have a gift for rhetoric. And now the death.
Appropriate Death Penalty
This was almost too easy to concoct. The offenders are placed in an enclosed hallway and chased by the chupacabra monster. (If chupacabra is unavailable, pit bulls will do.) With only one way to go, the offenders run from chupacabra (or pit bulls) until they hit a group of three heavily-padded walkers, impossible to pass. As the chupacabra/dogs close in, and after the offenders shriek with cries for forgiveness, a wall goes up to hold back the chupacabra/pit bulls (but seriously, let's try to go for chupacabra). Then the padded walkers punch the offenders in the back of the head and curb-stomp them to death.
Actually, maybe we do need the pit bulls.
#5. People Who Put Their Money On the Counter Instead of Handing It To a Cashier
Hey, you know that thing that people do called "going to the store and buying stuff with money?" Of course you do. We all do it. Quick question though: Why do so many people do it wrong? Here's how it's supposed to work: You hand your stuff to a cashier; the cashier tells you how much it costs; you give your money to the cashier; and if you give more than the item(s) cost, you get back change. That's it.
Here's what doesn't happen: You don't take out your dollars and coins and lay them down on the counter for the cashier to pick up. Why? Well, for one, why would you do that? Are you really asking? But if you need a better reason, how about it takes more time for you and everyone else in line. Or how about, it's just rude. Maybe you don't mean it, but that gesture implies the cashier is at a lower station. An untouchable. Someone you can't make contact with even indirectly. Think I'm overreacting? Putting money on the counter and waiting for the cashier to take it was actually a practice in the segregated South. Yeah, that's right. I can't find a link to validate that statement, but I saw it in a movie once and wrote it on the Internet so it must be true and now you're Internet Hitler. How's that make you feel? But seriously, it's time-consuming and rude. Just cut it out.
If you put your money on the counter, then this is not a picture of Hitler; it's a magic tiny mirror on your computer screen.
Important Exception: Some cashiers (of every race, color and creed) suck. They don't look at you or pay attention. Or sometimes they go off talking to their buddies while you're trying to pay. The Gladstone exception allows you to put money on the counter if you've gotten it out and the cashier is ignoring you so you don't have to stand there like a jackass with cash in your hand.
Appropriate Death Penalty
Place offenders in an uncomfortably hot room containing only a counter, a register, a clear refrigerator filled with bottled waters and a bell next to a "ring for service" sign. Wait until the offender grows sufficiently uncomfortable and rings the bell. At that point, a cashier comes in and offers the offender a bottled water for $1.50. If the offender puts his money on the counter, he receives a mild electrical shock. I forgot to mention the counter was electrified -- but not enough to kill. There's no need to fatally electrocute this offender. The water is poison.
#4. People Who Say "What Are You Apologizing For, You Didn't Do Anything," When You Say You're "Sorry" About Their Bad News
I've known a few people like this. They tell you a sad story, usually about someone who's died. You listen politely because you're not an ass, and then you say one of the few appropriate things you can say. You say, "I'm sorry." And then they say, "What are you sorry for? It's not your fault."
Yeah, I know. It's not my fault. It wasn't like you conveyed that story about your uncle's death so convincingly that suddenly I thought I was the drunk driver who ran him over. I'm not apologizing. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I'm just saying I'm sorry bad stuff happened to you. It makes me feel sorrow. For you. Get it? Maybe I should have said that whole sentence out loud to avoid this misunderstanding. I feel sorrow for you. There? Are you happy? No, I won't stop screaming. You should have thought of that before you got all pedantic on my ass when I was just trying to be nice. Stop crying. I know it's been a hard day, what with the death of your uncle and all, but still, you have to stop this annoying habit of yours. Seriously.
If you keep crying, you wont hear me yelling at you.
I don't really have anything for this. Maybe it's because I'm just too nice a guy. That's probably it. But their uncle died, y'know, and I just feel kind of sorry. Well, no, not sorry like I did something wrong. I mean, sorry like, oh fuck, y'know what? Gunshot to the head. There. Who's sorry now?