7 Obnoxious Behaviors That Should Be Punishable By Death
Like all well-adjusted individuals, I find myself wishing death upon people nearly constantly. And not people who deserve it like Genghis Khan or Jeffrey Dahmer (mostly because they're already dead) but people who just get under my skin. This raises several questions: Is wishing death justified? Is it productive? And what the hell is wrong with me? To these questions I reply, "Hey, what's with the third degree, buddy? Watch it or I'll wish death on nosy peeps like you."
But you're probably right. Wishing death is mean-spirited and juvenile. Fortunately, those are two characteristics I really rely on for generating Internet content, so here are seven people who deserve to die for seemingly minor offenses and my suggested methods of capital punishment:
#7. People Who Take Forever to Order at McDonald's
I try not to eat fast food too frequently. After all, once you're over 30 those Calvin Klein underwear modeling gigs are harder to come by, and I want to look my best. But if I'm in a McDonald's, odds are I'm in a rush. And the good people at McDonald's appreciate that. That's why they only make about ten things and even package them in numbered meals with brightly displayed pictures over the cashiers. You can be incredibly high and incoherent and still successfully stumble into Mickey D's, utter "Number 1," and get fed in less than three minutes. Feeding morons cheaply and quickly is what they do. That would even be their slogan if it didn't do so poorly in focus groups.
Getty
$5.54 and three minutes is all you need for poison, dummy!
Yet, despite the cheap and easy menu, I'm often behind someone who is hell-bent on cranking every mathematical permutation between buying dollar menu items a-la-carte and purchasing a value meal. And these people are usually bad at math. Now I get that some McDonald's customers might not have unlimited funds, and they're trying to get the most bang for their buck, but there comes a limit. I know what it's like to have so little money in your checking account that the bank won't let you withdraw it. I know what it's like to then go to McDonald's to rely on the ATM swipe, knowing you'll get fed due to the checking account's overdraft protection. But I do not know what its like to stand in front of a cashier for three minutes adding up a pie, burger and soda while comparing it to a value meal. McDonald's is one of the biggest corporations in the world. Do you really think you're gonna come up with some mathematical purchasing equation they haven't already priced to your detriment?
Getty
Not commensurate riddles.
The offender is given three minutes to solve an algebra problem before the bomb strapped to their head explodes. Also, regardless of answer, the bomb explodes.
#6. People Who Create Gaps In Lines
Ever been in a long line behind someone who feels the need to create a three to five foot buffer between themselves and the people in front of them? No one likes waiting in long lines. It's a drag. And yes, it's kind of sad how we get excited when the line advances a few inches, and then we step up a few inches. But, y'know what? That's how lines work, and it is absolutely unacceptable not to move up when the people in front of you do. I know you think you're sending a message that you're some bold individual too unique and brilliant to do exactly what every other member of the line is doing, but that's not the message we're hearing. What we're hearing is, "Look at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm so cooooooooool. Does it bother you when I don't move up? Oh, you silly line person. I pity you. I'm free from the dictates of the line!" And we hate you for it. We hate you so much. You have no idea. Actually, you might have some idea. You see the distance between you and the person in front of you? If inches were buckets of acidic hate, that's how much.
Getty
For some reason my search for "the worst person alive" did not return an appropriate search result.
Place offenders in a line up above molten lava. If the offender does not advance appropriately, the floor drops out beneath them. However, after ten minutes of avoiding death by advancing appropriately, the offender is beaten to death with rocks.
#5. People Not From Jamaica Who Sing With Jamaican Accents In Reggae Bands
Look, I like reggae as much as the next guy. (Unless the next guy is a dirty hippie who likes reggae then I don't really like reggae at all.) In any event, you might be surprised to learn that not every single dude in a reggae band is Jamaican. Did you know that? I know it might be hard to believe with all those happy Jamaican inflections that taint all the vocal phrasings, but it's true! Bob Marley and Peter Tosh? Yes, Jamaican. That dude in the college band that plays at Sigma Pi? He's from New Jersey. But he has dreads you say! True, but his name is Leonard Appplebaum and he's white.
Getty
Actually, this is hairstyle on a white guy can be sufficient grounds for death regardless of accent.
There is no law that reggae has to be sung with a Jamaican accent. Look at UB40. (Just look, don't listen because, y'know, they suck.) But yeah, singing reggae in a fake Jamaican accent is as absurd as being from California and singing like you're some punk rock Brit, and no one would be douchey enough to do that.
Getty
Oops. (Looks like I'm getting more Green Day hate mail.)
Death by pot brownies laced with arsenic. Or after getting high, leaving offenders in a room with chocolate chip cookies laced with arsenic. Or just telling the offender they can get high by smoking arsenic and letting the rest take care of itself.
Getty
I hear it's got a killer buzz, dude.
#4. People Who Steal All The Cheese By Grabbing One Carefully Selected Nacho or French Fry
Cheese fries and Nachos. Two delicious treats that thrive on the theory that if you pile up a bunch of starchy carbs and drizzle it with cheese, people will eat it. Not really a theory. More of a maxim because people will eat anything drizzled in cheese. Now as anyone who's ingested these treats knows, perfect cheese distribution is nearly impossible. Some chips and fries will get a lion share while others will be deprived of the precious dairy and that's not really anyone's fault. I suppose the chefs could build these concoctions in layers, ensuring a more egalitarian cheese-distribution, but that's a lot to ask. It's just something we accept.
But some people (some reprehensible, awful people) take advantage of this situation. They grab the chip or fry with extra cheese. Even that's forgivable. There are probably whole bunches with extra cheese so when you're sharing everyone can get a good one, right? I'm talking about something far worse. I'm talking about people who snag the nacho or fry that is strategically tied to every other fry or nacho on the top layer. With one selfish surgical strike you can convert those cheese-drizzled nachos or fries into plain old dry chips and fries, stealing all the deliciousness for yourself. An offense punishable by death.
Appropriate Death Penalty
Covering offender in cheese and feeding to tigers. Cheese optional.
Getty
Cheese totally optional.
I f*****g HATE number one. That happens to me every god damn day.
ReplyI love this article and all others in which we can agree to wishing death upon the real scum of the earth. Yeah, I'm talking to you, freeway mergers who insist on being in front of everybody! Hey, I was on the freeway first, which by default should put me in front of you. Oh, by the way, that was a yield sign! Dammit! I just got out of traffic...
ReplyAbout the McDonalds one, it only applies to America. Here, in Europe, most McDonalds don't have big menus readable in lines, only the "hottest offers" which are usually something I don't like. The only complete menu with prices is on one wall right near the cashier. And since I'm really tight on funds so much, I visit McD rarely, it gets me stressed when I'm coming closer in line because I still don't know the prices and stuff...
ReplyAfter first reading this column I have NEVER forgotten about #1. If I didnt always say thank you (or, "thanks" or somesuch) before, I did after that. Fortunately where i live is pretty mellow so people thank you -- although often with something added. "Thank you sir" from a guy easily 50 years older than me was kinda akward.
Reply7,6 and 3 all make the vein in my neck pop once a day at least
Reply# 1 all the way & 4 is a close second!
Reply#1 is the worst. It happens to me all the time.
ReplyPeople who sell electronics that don't work.
ReplyPunishment: Add their names to a list of people to who it is legal to sell broken pacemakers, recalled cars, and faulty wiring that shorts out and burns your house down.
a la carte!? at macdonalds? oh my bad; "AMERICAS only humour site since 1958" over here we shuffle awkardly and quickly mumble an order, then get out asap, theres really no finese in the process, just shame and empty calories.
ReplyCreating a gap in line doesn't bother me, so long as when the person in front of them moves, they move too. When you're waiting to get told that you don't have the appropriate forms filled out to renew your driver's license, it doesn't really matter whether there's a large gap in front of the guy in front of you or not.
ReplyHowever, people who stand too close behind you in line should be subjected to two weeks torture before death. There is simply nothing like having a smelly, bearded, 10 foot grizzly bear literally breathing down your neck waiting to buy his cigarettes and lottery tickets. I'm in a hurry too, man, but back off.
And speaking of lottery tickets... have you ever been in line behind someone who has cashed in 8 tickets (which take forever to process) wins $5, then takes the next 20 minutes trying to decide which 5 $1 tickets they want? Death, death, DEATH.
It's worse for the cashier. There's at least a half dozen of those a day. What's worse is when they show up at the same time, taking out both registers. And they're always old ladies. Goddamn always old ladies.
Here's a solution that I found to too-close line standers...turn around and stare at them...in the eye. They get uncomfortable enough that they back off, and in the unlikely event that they ask you what you're doing, just come up with some dick answer about them standing too close.
And about the scratchers...as a former cashier jockey, I agree with you that they are the vilest of creatures. They all have a "system" about what number the lottery ticket is at or when it hit last, and they LOVE to stand right next to the register so they can jump right up (and sometimes cut people in line) the second they win anything. We eventually had to post a sign that they had to go over to the lottery table to scratch.
You know what I hate? People opening doors for me. I'm perfectly capable of opening my own doors, thanks. Please do not stop, block pedestrian traffic, and stand partially in the way and make me try to squeeze by you. I might smile awkwardly, but I'm really wishing you would spontaneously combust.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieslol, I totally agree. I hate it when ppl go out of their way to hold a door for me. It totally drives me nuts. I'm perfectly capable of opening a door, thanks bud. What's worse is when traffic stops so that you can cross the street; I always feel like I have to rush across so I don't hold everyone up. It takes a whole lot less time to drive by me than it does for me to walk across the street...
People try to be nice and you bitch? You're both assholes.
This is why we can't have nice things
You seriously hate common courtesy? What's wrong with you? Are you one of those idiotic feminists?
I just love this article. Enough said. I think these methods of "punishment" are totally sane...haha
ReplyI think people who keep honking their horns in a jam like if there was no tomorrow, should be here. Do they really think that's gonna speed up the traffic?
ReplyYou have a thing about line etiquette? Visit a 3rd world country where they give 0 shits about lines. You'll be standing in long ass line, one person away from the register and some d*****t will just take their place in front of you like it's no big deal until you inform them, "No, you cannot cut me". Also where I live in England, they have a tendency to bump you or try to squeeze past you without ever saying excuse me. You're standing there, not obnoxiously mind you, perusing the spices or noodles or whatever, and all of a sudden you get a cart in your ass and some old lady hurrying past you because she just had to try to squeeze her way through and saying, "hey could you move over." was just to much work. Cart in your ass, cheers! I've been assaulted by many "trolleys". It really baffles me how that is completely common in America, but no one will even think about asking you to make way in England. Actually it was the same in Japan too, they bump you without saying anything either! Luckily, no perverts tried to grab my ass, or else there would've been an international incident.
ReplyOr the extreme of what the author is complaining about, where the person behind you moves every freaking time you do, so that person is damn near climbing up your ass. I need a little space, thank you.
Do you know who else I'd love to see on this list? Parents who think that their kids are the only people in the f*****g world who matter. Twice I have had a mother walk in on me (lock was broken both times) even though I'm screaming "I'm in here!" I once even saw a guy go into a restroom at a coffee shop, lock the door, and after a dad knocked, and then went and got the manager to unlock the door, even though you could hear the guy inside yelling. The Dad's only response was "she had to go to the bathroom." I'd love a special death for those idiots.
ReplyCheese optional. LOL. Hate those people who do the finger-shaking, find it really rude.
ReplyI have no tolerance for #1. When someone doesn't thank me for holding the door open for them I yell "YOU'RE WELCOME!" at them. This practice hasn't started a fight... at least not yet.
ReplyAlso, one time an 80 year old woman called me a dumbass for holding the door open for her. That may be where this started.
Was she Mom? She was Mom, wasn't she?
Christina also complains about #3
ReplyIt IS a legit gripe
I got offended at a quizbowl meet once in seventh grade by a variation of #2. Except the girl refused to even touch any part of our hands.
ReplySomething even worse than not saying thank you, is when there double doors, and you open one for someone, and the other person opens the OTHER door and completely ignores you.
Replylol, yeah but you know it's funny. Probably their way of saying,"No thank you...I can take care of it myself." Probably makes you feel pretty dumb standing there holding the door for no one.