5 Things That Are Totally Unrelated to Hot, Hot Lesbian Sex

Cracked attracts new readers every month. And part of that success has been based on delivering astutely observed lists of factoids, often on subjects that hold some interest to people other than sexually retarded 14-year-old boys. And that's really too bad for me because I have so much in common with sexually retarded 14-year-old boys. Indeed, every week for the last three years, I've submitted a column called 5 Acts of Hot Lesbian Sex, and every week I'm told that Cracked has no interest in running it.

They say things like "not a good fit," "try a more mature topic" and "Christ, Gladstone, what kind of a twisted pervert are you?" and I try to ignore these criticisms. But much like a pillowcase filled with poorly aborted fetuses, they keep kicking around my head.

So I decided to prove once and for all that I'm a mature grownup, perfectly capable of delivering an informative list on a mature topic. Specifically, things in my kitchen. Nothing prurient or sensational about that, right? And just to make sure there's no confusion, I've added a section explaining how there's nothing sexually retarded about this at all. Now, I present:

Here it is. Isn't she a beaut?! The Breville Juicer. It's really amazing. I mean, all you have to do is fill it up with 40 bucks of fresh produce and it spits out no fewer than three teaspoons of the most delicious all-natural juice you've ever tasted. And unlike some juicers that are loud and noisy with oppressive "racheta-racheta-racheta" sounds, this one has a nice powerful, but subtle purr. Put your hand against its side. That gentle vibration means its working. And it comes in three speeds!

Has Noting To Do With: Clitoral Massagers

And best of all, this juicer has nothing to do with the lesbian sex practice of using electric devices to stimulate a partner's clitoris until orgasm is achieved. I mean, some of the devices for that are known as the vibe and the wand -- not juicers. And, oh, quick note. Of course, I'm aware that this it is not strictly a gay sexual practice, or even a practice requiring a partner. I'm just saying, for whatever reason, when I think of clitoral massagers, I just happen to picture lesbians engaging in this form of sexual gratification. I mean, if I were to write about it. Which I'm not. We're talking about juicers here, and I don't see what that could have to do with clitoral massagers. Unless, what, are you implying lesbians lose a lot of electrolytes after orgasm and really crave some all natural refreshment? Come on. Let's stay serious here.

"Good luck making orange juice with this."

Here they are. My old trusty pair of dishwashing rubber gloves. Man, these bad boys have really gotten the job done. Snap them on, finger by finger, feel the rubber encase your digits, and go to work. They let me get into all sorts of dirty places without messing up my hands. I remember one time I had to reach deep into my garbage disposal, working my hand in and out until I loosened it up so it worked properly. Just a repeated probing until I got its engine running. A kitchen necessity!

Has Nothing To Do With: Anal Fisting

Again, not strictly a lesbian sex practice by any means, but several websites (that I won't be linking to) inform me that anal fisting is all the rage among some lesbians. Especially ones who've been bad little girls and need to be punished. But I have no idea why we're talking about that when the issue at hand is kitchen gloves. Although, I guess I know how hard it can be to achieve orgasm when you've got a sink full of dirty dishes. I mean, who can relax, right? And I'm thinking if your sphincter has to loosen up enough to accept your lover's fist, being relaxed is important. So I'm picturing a scenario where some fun lesbian couple says things like, "Let's clean these dishes, so we can enjoy some rectal-based sex with a clear head!" A clean kitchen and sodomy. I guess, there's some connection on this one, but purely accidental.

Yeah, sorta like that.

These bad boys were a wedding present and boy do they make slicing up chicken a delight. Opening and closing these shears on some fresh meat. You use them just like scissors, and with just the right placement and pressure, you can produce something really special: perfectly trimmed chicken cutlets. And y'know what? I've even used them on fish fillets! Yep, scissoring up a nice piece of salmon, getting right to the good stuff. I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

Has Nothing To Do With: Scissoring

OK, this one is specifically a gay female practice, but what it has to do with poultry shears and perfectly prepared cutlets, I have no idea. As some of you might know from the South Park episode where Mr. Garrison starts life as a gay woman, "scissoring" is popular in some gay circles. Despite the name, this practice has nothing to do with cutting during sex which was both my first thought and also the only way I can achieve orgasm. Instead, this practice involves two women opening and interlocking their legs to facilitate rubbing each others' genitals against each other. I would think this practice has some appeal because it increases the chances of the couple achieving simultaneous orgasm which is always nice. Sorta like when you manage to get your perfectly trimmed chicken cutlets and steamed rice to come out at exactly the same time.

Because it's not porn if it's a crudely drawn cartoon.