6 Everyday Offenses That Should Be Punishable By Death
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about people I'd like to murder for doing seemingly minor things. Specifically, seven kinds of people, which is the largest number I've ever had in a Cracked list. I think that speaks volumes about my mental stability and capacity for forgiveness. Even more impressive? I left six people out. I now present six more folks I'd like to murder for committing minor, but apparently completely unforgivable, offenses in everyday life.
#6. People Who Walk Slowly in Groups On Crowded Sidewalks
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I didn't read all the comments in the original article (honest) but from what I scanned, this entry was probably the most popular suggestion for something I missed. It's one of the many sins people commit due to selfishness and/or the complete lack of situational awareness. You know who they are: a group of friends that decide the best way to carry on a conversation is to walk, three or four in a row, at a snail's pace on a busy public sidewalk. Maybe they think they're just like those sassy Sex and the City women, and the world is their oyster. Maybe they don't realize that those women are actresses, and those scenes are shot with extras who are paid to walk three feet behind and not punch them in the back of the head, drag their stunned bodies to the curb and stomp them until they're dead. Or maybe they do know and they just don't care. They'll walk how they want to walk because this is America. (Unless you're reading this somewhere that isn't America. In which case, do you have sidewalks there? Oh, you do? Just like real people! That's adorable -- easy, France, I'm just messin' with ya.)
Geekgirlsrule.net
OK, cool. You're off the sidewalk and into the street. Now just hold it. Hold it. No, I don't hear a truck coming ...
I can hear some of you asking, "Why don't you just cross the street if it bothers you so much?" to which I reply, "Why don't you and your three fat friends cross the street? You're the ones who suck." I know. I have a gift for rhetoric. And now the death.
Appropriate Death Penalty
This was almost too easy to concoct. The offenders are placed in an enclosed hallway and chased by the chupacabra monster. (If chupacabra is unavailable, pit bulls will do.) With only one way to go, the offenders run from chupacabra (or pit bulls) until they hit a group of three heavily-padded walkers, impossible to pass. As the chupacabra/dogs close in, and after the offenders shriek with cries for forgiveness, a wall goes up to hold back the chupacabra/pit bulls (but seriously, let's try to go for chupacabra). Then the padded walkers punch the offenders in the back of the head and curb-stomp them to death.
subversiveelement.com
Actually, maybe we do need the pit bulls.
#5. People Who Put Their Money On the Counter Instead of Handing It To a Cashier
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Hey, you know that thing that people do called "going to the store and buying stuff with money?" Of course you do. We all do it. Quick question though: Why do so many people do it wrong? Here's how it's supposed to work: You hand your stuff to a cashier; the cashier tells you how much it costs; you give your money to the cashier; and if you give more than the item(s) cost, you get back change. That's it.
Here's what doesn't happen: You don't take out your dollars and coins and lay them down on the counter for the cashier to pick up. Why? Well, for one, why would you do that? Are you really asking? But if you need a better reason, how about it takes more time for you and everyone else in line. Or how about, it's just rude. Maybe you don't mean it, but that gesture implies the cashier is at a lower station. An untouchable. Someone you can't make contact with even indirectly. Think I'm overreacting? Putting money on the counter and waiting for the cashier to take it was actually a practice in the segregated South. Yeah, that's right. I can't find a link to validate that statement, but I saw it in a movie once and wrote it on the Internet so it must be true and now you're Internet Hitler. How's that make you feel? But seriously, it's time-consuming and rude. Just cut it out.
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If you put your money on the counter, then this is not a picture of Hitler; it's a magic tiny mirror on your computer screen.
Important Exception: Some cashiers (of every race, color and creed) suck. They don't look at you or pay attention. Or sometimes they go off talking to their buddies while you're trying to pay. The Gladstone exception allows you to put money on the counter if you've gotten it out and the cashier is ignoring you so you don't have to stand there like a jackass with cash in your hand.
Appropriate Death Penalty
Place offenders in an uncomfortably hot room containing only a counter, a register, a clear refrigerator filled with bottled waters and a bell next to a "ring for service" sign. Wait until the offender grows sufficiently uncomfortable and rings the bell. At that point, a cashier comes in and offers the offender a bottled water for $1.50. If the offender puts his money on the counter, he receives a mild electrical shock. I forgot to mention the counter was electrified -- but not enough to kill. There's no need to fatally electrocute this offender. The water is poison.
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Not water.
#4. People Who Say "What Are You Apologizing For, You Didn't Do Anything," When You Say You're "Sorry" About Their Bad News
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I've known a few people like this. They tell you a sad story, usually about someone who's died. You listen politely because you're not an ass, and then you say one of the few appropriate things you can say. You say, "I'm sorry." And then they say, "What are you sorry for? It's not your fault."
Yeah, I know. It's not my fault. It wasn't like you conveyed that story about your uncle's death so convincingly that suddenly I thought I was the drunk driver who ran him over. I'm not apologizing. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I'm just saying I'm sorry bad stuff happened to you. It makes me feel sorrow. For you. Get it? Maybe I should have said that whole sentence out loud to avoid this misunderstanding. I feel sorrow for you. There? Are you happy? No, I won't stop screaming. You should have thought of that before you got all pedantic on my ass when I was just trying to be nice. Stop crying. I know it's been a hard day, what with the death of your uncle and all, but still, you have to stop this annoying habit of yours. Seriously.
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If you keep crying, you wont hear me yelling at you.
I don't really have anything for this. Maybe it's because I'm just too nice a guy. That's probably it. But their uncle died, y'know, and I just feel kind of sorry. Well, no, not sorry like I did something wrong. I mean, sorry like, oh fuck, y'know what? Gunshot to the head. There. Who's sorry now?
I would like to add that putting money on the counter should be acceptable when paying with change, as it's easier and faster to count for the cashier. Although anybody paying with more than two dollars in change should be bludgeoned to death with a roll of quarters.
ReplyI can hear some of you asking, "Why don't you just cross the street if it bothers you so much?" to which I reply, "Why don't you and your three fat friends cross the street? You're the ones who suck."
ReplyI don't like to just quote things from the article, but this one, I had to. So absolutely true!
I only just started watching Dexter and I still haven't seen the second series yet...NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyOh God. My method of paying for things is offensive? I'M SO SORRY CASHIERS!!
ReplyI'll remember that next time I pay for something. Though to be fair, I don't take a lot of time doing so. I usually just put a $10 dollar note or something down, and they can sort out the change. That's not my problem.
Hey, you know what would be worse? Paying pizza delivery guys that way. Instead of handing them the money, you put it on the ground and they have to pick it up.
So, what has been your logic on paying with an inefficient method all this time? I mean, you get the money out, you extend your arm to them and they take it rather than you get the money out, you put it down, now they have to reach down. One way saves time (not much but still) and doesn't look like you think they're plague bearers.
#6 happens in Singapore, too. ALL THE TIME.
ReplyI know this generally only applies to the people you live with, but I feel that people who don't put the new roll of toilet paper on the holder belong on this list. I mean really, is it really that much effort for you to replace the roll that you finished? And yes, I know, I can just do it myself, but it's the principle of the thing. Besides the fact that they always leave it on the side of the tub or on the sink, only for it to fall in and get wet and ruined
ReplyWhat's even more annoying is when they leave 6" of paper on the roll to justify their laziness.
To be fair, it's equally irritating to be walking along, enjoying your day, when some jack-ass in a car a good thirty feet away waits for you to pass in front of them and you, then, have to break your reverence for walking on a beautiful sunny day and run for some dude that wants his pay it forward points for the day. Seriously, go ahead and go. At worst, you're making the guy take a break and stand there for a second. Let me give you a clue, if I'm walking, I'm probably not in that much of a hurry.
ReplyIs it forgivable that I used to do #5 as a bad habit and didn't actually know it was rude?
ReplyWhat's with the worst actress/driver ever's fist? Was it photoshopped just to piss people like me off?
ReplyGiven how old this article is, and how long this comment is likely to end up, it's possible that no one will read what I write. However, I feel it need be said, if only to get it off my chest . . .
ReplyI've worked as a cashier for just over a year now. It's not what I WANT to be doing, it never is for anyone, but I try to do it well and be polite to everyone. Even if it wasn't required, I would treat each customer as kindly and helpfully as possible. It's not a difficult concept -- we're all in this store for a purpose, we all need each other, none of us is a gremlin or The Thing (as far as I know), so why not treat each other like . . .well, like PEOPLE.
AND YET too often I'm confronted by customers who treat me as invisible at best, and as some sort of pond scum at worst. I'm sure, or at least I hope, that some of them don't even realize they're being assholes. It may be easy for anyone who's never experienced this type of work to write off my complaints as petty or whining -- surely, if whether or not a stranger places their money on the counter, or makes eye contact, or responds when I ask "how are you?" or says "thank you" matters that much to me, I must be taking it too seriously and it's MY PROBLEM. That's not entirely baseless (it's just that your base is tiny and makes everything wobble).
>> Here's the issue: When you repeat the same actions with strangers all day, every day, YES THE DETAILS DO MATTER. When you exchange the same words, and money in the same way, you DO notice when people are rude. YOU CAN'T NOT. And yes, it does affect you. It builds up, and when you're in a position with zero power, serving people who are usually better off than you, it matters even more. I already know you're doing better at life than me. There's no need to rub it in, especially when I'm not asking any brand of courtesy of you beyond what we all learned by around the age of 5.
------- If anyone's interested, here are my checkout guidelines --------
1) Your cashier is not a leper or a basilisk.
2) What I'm saying could be something that saves you time or money.
3) If you fold bills along both axes (i.e. into quarters, or little rectangles) before stuffing them in your pocket or poorly-sized holder, they will be not only easier for you to sort out later, but also not crumpled like an exhibit of rejected origami when you hand them over. This makes things easier for both of us.
4) Yes I DO need to count the money you gave me even though you did it already. It's MY JOB, and some of you, however nice, are simply s****y at math.
Agreed, avalonapple. I am very, very glad to see him include the cashier complaint in this article. I HATE when a person places their cash on the counter or slings it across at me. I don't have the fingernails to pick up every nickel or dime, and I shouldn't have to. I'm not diseased, I'm a freaking college student for crying out loud. If I could do ANYTHING else that would work around school, I would. And you're right, it's the repetitive action that makes the details matter. But the worst part of it was when I was working as the store manager of a pizza place and people did that crap. I was making very good money for a 19-year-old, and people usually didn't realize my position of power, and their behaviors towards me changed once my position was disclosed, even though my service or manners hadn't changed a bit.
Slow walkers drive me completely insane. They're always in their huge group, and as soon as I see an opening to pass, they expand even further. Then they slow down even more, and I'm doing this awkward walk where I'm speeding up and slowing down and stopping until they almost stop. This whole time I like to imagine that they are all going to die some horrible death. I should use your example next time.
ReplyAnd as a cashier, I always felt awkward when people just put their money on the counter. I'd stand there, waiting for them to even gesture that the money was what they are paying with. Then I'd reach for it and they'd stare me down as I picked it up and counted it. I had someone get mad at me because I didn't need to count her dollars because I had just watched her slowly count them and place them on the counter. Then she told me to hurry up.
My grandmother puts money on the counter, or even a conveyor ...if I'm with her I pick it up and hand it to the cashier. She still hasn't gotten the idea. also, when I was little, I was taught that you say "sorry" when somebody tells you something sad... so stop ruining my already forced politeness, assholes!!
ReplyObviously your reading comprehension sucks.
I've been a cashier in a few different places, mostly because my education in molecular biology was evidently completely worthless. There are a few things that really bother me, and putting the money on the counter is one of them.
ReplyBut what really bothers me is when people just stand there with the money in their hand and stare at it like they've never seen these little pieces of paper with faces on them before. I mean seriously, if you can't count it, give it to me and I'll count it out for you.
Now there are exceptions to the rule, people that can't reach me (like people in wheel chairs) or people having trouble with children, or other random things. That's normal. I understand that, and if you're trying to help by hurrying and putting the money down so you can stop your child from swallowing the pen attached to my debit machine, hey I'm happy.
But if you ignore me the whole time, even though I'm being chipper (despite the fact I hate my job), and smiling, throw the money on the belt (while it's moving so your money gets sucked into the netherworld, and I have to stop the f*****g machine, pull a bunch of s**t out, just to get that god damn dollar bill you couldn't hand to me), and continue to talk random s**t to the person on your Iphone (No she didn't! She did! No she didn't! SHE DID!... YES SHE f*****g DID, GET OFF YOUR PHONE)... I think you should at least get a swift kick to your vag, or if a guy, balls.
#6 should be #1 seriously.
ReplyI don't mind individual people, or even a couple of people walking slowly together, as long as I can walk around them.
It's the group of people who take up the whole sidewalk, and there is no way of getting around them at all. And then when you go off the walkway, or squeeze your way past them, they glare at you like you were just so rude to pass them.
It sucks especially when going to college classes. One time I was trying to hurry, and literally a walkway that's about 8 normal people across, was just blocked by this group (coming the opposite way) in one single line. I was able to squeeze my way past them, but I did want to yell at them or something.
Although #1 is really great. I was once asked to stop talking about something that was 10 years old because they "hadn't read it yet". Seriously? Because you can't get off your butt and read a book that's 10 years old I'm not allowed to talk about it in front of you?
Uh no, not going to happen. I could understand if it was a year old or something, but 5+ years, you should have read or seen it by now.
Corollary to #6… People who stop at the end of each aisle in the supermarket to figure out if they need anything in that aisle, thus causing the traffic to back up behind them. These people also have the ability to somehow make their carts wider.
6: Complaining about people being inconsiderate.
Reply5: Complaining about people being inconsiderate.
4: Complaining about people being inconsiderate.
3: Complaining about people being inconsiderate.
2: Complaining about people being inconsiderate.
1: Complaining about people who complain about HIM being inconsiderate, and how they should "grow up".
Complaining about something one didn't have to read, and didn't pay for.
Can there please be an article about all the atrocites that take place in the world of public transportation?! Taking up seats, standing on the wrong side of the escalator, eating your stinky food so everyone has to smell it, people who listen to their music loudly on their cheap headphones, etc.
ReplyIt needs to be unearthed!
I work as a cashier at a sporting venue in Australia and there are also several things that cutomers do that are annoying.
Reply1. Not having your money ready to go. This is when a person has their wallet in a bag/ purse and they rummage through it trying to find their currency. This is where I average serving 6-10 customers a minute and some douche takes a minute to rummage through their bag.
2. People expecting you to count their money. This is where they slam a handful of change on the counter and expect you to count it out, and more often or not it is mostly 10c, 20c and 50c pieces for a $10 item. The only people i allow to do this are young children and foreigners, as Aussie currency takes some getting used to.
3. Customers not acknowledging your existence. Where people don't say hello or even refuse to look at you. I'm doing you a service jackass.
4. Customers expecting their change right away. After giving you their money they shove their hand in your face right away.
5. And yes, customers putting the money on the counter in my pet-peeve. When somebody does it to me I put the change on the counter when they reach for it.
People not using the words "Excuse me" when infringing on someone's personal space, as if you didn't even exist. This should be the number one everyday offense punishable by death. It's common decency people, what happened to common decency? The kicker? This phenomenon is so pervasive that it recognizes no gender, color or age lines & therefore is impossible to eradicate. Therefore, death is the only reasonable/viable/logical option.
ReplyWhat kind of bum f**k town do you come from?
I've been a cashier. There are times when putting the money on the counter is totally accepted no, necessary.
Reply1. If you wipe your runny nose with your hand before pulling the bills from your wallet. 2. If you, in my presence, pull your roll of cash from your 'vault'. In case you don't know, the vault can be the sweaty underboobie, underwear,(front or back) or the smelly shoe.
Then the hard and fast rule for me (and I'm sure other) cashiers was to have the customer put it on the counter, then after they left I'd spray it with Lysol and let it dry before picking it up. They're no second class citizens, but there are cooties, ew!
Radio DJs that talk through the beginning of a good song should be on this list.
ReplyAnd then not play the last 20 seconds of said song.
Or when a really awesome songs starts, that they NEVER play, and then they start talking about how awesome they are, and you realize it's just a commercial, and they never play the song.
Listen a*****e, if it was good enough for a commercial, then PLAY it once in a while, will ya?